Special Edition: Logan's Story
[Disclaimer: The sexual innuendo in this book was too obvious and I could've easily turned it into a stale running gag… but I lack the willpower. If anyone wants to write Logan’s Story: Uncut and Juicy, feel free to contact Peter Lerangis for the rights.]
Chapter One
Logan Bruno feels compelled to remind the readers -on the second page, no less-that he is, in fact, a guy. Perhaps you were not aware of this fact despite his traditionally male name, the masculine robin’s egg blue cover, or the book’s testosterone-fueled tagline: Nobody’s going to call Logan a girl and get away with it!
Yes, the fact that Logan is a card-carrying male is, as he says, “crucial to the story” since most of the book revolves around him ardently defending his manhood. He pleads this case by insisting that he is not a “stereotypical jock.” After all, would a stereotypical jock be of “average height” and “average build”? Would a stereotypical jock be an associate member of a baby-sitting conglomerate? Would a stereotypical jock date a girl who wears penny loafers? (If she puts out, yes. But jocks draw the line at beaded sneakers. That shit is wrong.)
Logan hides his feminine tendencies from his football teammates by wrestling, joking around, and showering with them. However, the façade quickly disappears when Mary Anne arrives, as her smile “spreads through [him] like some incredible love potion.” This line is followed by a lengthy paragraph that poetically compares M.A.’s smile to getting lost in the woods and finding his way back to his family. The metaphor, though sickeningly sweet, is lethal enough to send Stacey into a diabetic coma for weeks.
Mary Anne walks him home, and she praises him for being magnanimous enough to plan their next date around her schedule (which is based entirely around Tigger’s estrous cycle). Logan comes home to an ol’ fashioned Kentucky barbecue, but it is soon ruined by an ominous call from Kristy. She demands his presence at Claudia’s, and Logan obediently abandons his six-pack of Keystones and bowl of steaming chitlins to attend the emergency BSC meeting. Way to be the alpha-male, Bruno.
Chapter Two
Apparently Mr. Bruno thinks his son is only in the BSC because he is “hot” for Mary Anne. Logan refutes this by claiming to sincerely enjoy kids and like the other members. He also asserts that “girls are nicer to look at.” Rock-solid evidence, right there.
Alas, the radical shift in narrative gender does not make the chapter two descriptions any more interesting. He says Claudia has a “hip, sexy way of dressing,” which I’m sure makes BSC meetings a “fun, sexy time” for him. Marry me.
Chapter Three
More club descriptions. Logan tries to give things a masculine edge by fantasizing about meat and comparing their club responsibilities to a baseball team. Logan enters Claudia’s room, bracing himself for stray g-strings and steamy bra strap references, but instead, he finds Mary Anne crying. It must be Tuesday.
Chapter Four
‘Tis a solemn day for the BSC. Logan struggles to find the root of their misery. Did Claudia fail math again? Is Stacey moving? Another freak-orthodontia accident, condemning Mal to a life of celibacy? No. Jeff Schafer’s appendix ruptured.
As a result, Dawn and her mother fled to California to be at his side, leaving the BSC bereft of their crucial alternate officer. They beg Logan to be a full-time member for the next few weeks, but he remains reluctant. To Logan, fully committing to the BSC is nothing short of public castration. He weighs his options, and the sight of the girls’ anxious expressions and heaving bosoms eventually forces him into saying yes. And with this newfound status, Logan indulges in a fantasy of a bedroom floor littered with tossed-aside training bras, push-down socks, and Mal’s dental dam…
Chapter Five
Being in the BSC means making sacrifices. Not only does Logan have to miss a football practice, but he must also help set up a booth at the upcoming health fair. The booth is purely for promotion, which seems like a waste. Between diabetes, ruptured appendixes, and Claud’s impending morbid obesity, the BSC is a hotbed for medical causes.
The next day, while babysitting the Hobarts, Logan runs into Clarence King, Pete Black, and some guy named “Irv.” They stumble upon Logan as he is wearing a coonskin cap and fighting off an imaginary wildcat and proceed to mock him with a babyish accent. They shamelessly flaunt the fact that they had all just taken a shower together, and Logan takes their teasing in dignified silence.
I’ve always enjoyed moments when the babysitters are mocked for babysitting. It gives you a glimpse of Stoneybrook’s other youth: dumb jocks, shoplifting drunks, and future cokeheads conveniently named Cokie. I’m telling you, this world is complex.
Chapter Six
Logan’s descent into madness continues as he gives up another practice to watch the Hobarts again. The club tries to think of a theme for their health fair booth, and Logan proves his genius by suggesting -by God!-a babysitting booth. Mal seems suspiciously eager to demonstrate the Heimlich maneuver. (“Live alone?” asks Jeri Blank.)
They call up Dawn, who tells them Jeff isn’t getting any better. This leaves Mary Anne in tears of course, but Logan is choked up too for another reason. With Dawn gone, he has to masquerade as a BSC member for longer than he expected, and he is not looking forward to being publicly humiliated at the ultra-chic health fair. Logan starts to panic as he imagines his teammates showing up just to “show off their great pulse rates,” while he is exiled to the BSC booth: a lonely figure in a muumuu, breastfeeding two babies at once.
Chapter Seven
Mary Anne decides it would be good idea to take Jenny Prezzioso to Logan’s track practice. Why? Well, she has been living with Sharon Schafer, so it was probably due to a contact high for all we know.
This arrangement predictably ends badly. Jenny gets in the way, Mary Anne comes off looking like a “feeb,” (Remember that gem from Camp Mohawk? It sounds more like a creepy venereal disease than an insult. I got a bad case of the feebs last night…) and Logan is further ridiculed. Consequently, he continues to regret his alliance with BSC, which I’m sure happens to all the members at some point. (Of course all these attempts at treachery are brief since no one knows what lurks beneath a short-sheeted bed.)
Chapter Eight
Nothing groundbreaking happens here. Logan gets caught babysitting again and is further emasculated by his peers. Why don’t you take this time to examine the intricacies of Logan’s psyche?
“But where to start?”
“The brain, the brain, the center of the chain…”
Chapter Nine
The strain of his teammate’s teasing is taking a toll on Logan. His coach notices that he’s out of shape, he no longer invites Mary Anne in for some innocent groping, and his parents are concerned about his distant (not the dibbly kind) behavior.
In an after-school special, this bout of depression would typically be followed by some halfhearted wrist-cutting or moody guitar playing, but this is Logan Bruno. He forces himself through his homework, plays with his siblings, then firmly decides that he needs quit the BSC. Ye be warned, he is crossing into dangerous territory. The last fool who sowed the seeds of rebellion ended up getting kicked out of a U4Me concert with a bottle of Wild Turkey.
Chapter Ten
A Mallory and Jessi babysitting digression, a.k.a an instant tranquilizer. At least they acknowledge that the health fair is a bit of a bore-fest. That’s as far as I got though. The chapter ends with Jessi vowing to eat “alfalfa ice cream,” so I can only assume the Schafers made an appearance and someone got the munchies.
Chapter Eleven
The health fair is in full swing, and the BSC is manning the “Safe Sitting Booth.” I apologize for the banality of that last sentence. Here’s Luca. Wake up:
Eventually Logan’s teammates show up, but the brawl that ensues is less Outsiders and more West Side Story. With a bit of Steel Magnolias-esque squabbling. Logan and some guy named Clarence King face off in a battle of wits, trading insults that would make your grandmother blush. Things escalate just as Johnny Hobart needs to use bathroom, and Logan is forced to escort him to potty while his sexually-repressed teammates howl in laughter. This would have been a more poignant scene if it hadn’t already happened, oh I don’t know, ten times already. Cue the thoughtful Full House music.
Chapter Twelve
Peter Lerangis knows when it’s time to start kicking in the high drama, having written the pedo-classic, Stacey’s Big Crush. The Hobart boys feel the need to assert their manliness as well and insist that they do not Logan’s help in the bathroom. He obliges, but this soon leads to Johnny disappearing. Pandemonium ensues, and Logan is about to call the police when Mary Anne puts an end to the search.
That is how the chapter ends, but any veteran BSC reader knows that no book -not even a Super Special-has ended with the untimely death or unforeseen kidnapping of a client. Broken limbs and bad haircuts, yes. But a suspicious disappearance in a mens bathroom? That’s straying into Sweet Valley territory.
Chapter Thirteen
They find Johnny, with help from Logan’s rival, Clarence King. Logan is mortified by this and decides to officially resign from the BSC. Kristy pleads with him to change his mind, but the Bruno has spoken.
(Speaking of Lerangis, he finally managed to get a “Hmmmph” in here, this time from King. Does anyone actually clear their throat like that, or does Stoneybrook just have a ridiculous phlegm problem?)
Chapter Fourteen
Logan’s post-BSC life is not as easy as he expected. His teammates continue to rehash tired jokes involving potties and bra straps, while the BSC gives him the cold shoulder for abandoning his post. Track tryouts eventually roll around, and it’s another pissing contest between him and King. By now, you are probably wondering what horrible event took place during King’s childhood to make him such an ass. Did he catch his dad wearing his mother’s panties? Does he secretly bedazzle his jockstrap? Either way, his macho shtick is getting old.
To Logan’s surprise, the entire BSC and a few clients show up to cheer him on. Unlike the last time, this impresses his teammates, and they ask him for introductions to all the “cute girls.” (Yes, Mallory is there too.) This seems to make up for all the shit he had to put up with and suddenly his life regains equilibrium. What did you expect? This is the second-to-the-last chapter.
Chapter Fifteen
Logan tags along with Mary Anne to a BSC meeting and finds himself getting nostalgic. With his masculinity reaffirmed, he asks to join again, and he is allowed back into the world of gossip and paisley stirrup pants. He agrees to set up Claud with some jock named "Lew Greenberg," a name that just promises to bestow her with a nasty case of the feebs. Later, Logan baby-sits for the Hobarts again, and when his teammates stop by, he effortlessly establishes his role as the dominant male.
After all, it’s easy being alpha-male when you have a harem of babysitters at your disposal.