*whistles* Nothing to see here
It's Friday, right? This would be a good time to post a fic you had to write against all your better judgement... for a pairing so terrifying it isn't on AO3 at all...
Author Brutti ma buoni
Title Mortal Peril
Rating PG13
Pairing Giles/Harmony
Word Count 1100
A/N: for a prompt I left at Drunken Giles, but which nobody else has adopted. Giles/Harmony - the morning after had never been more terrifying. I couldn't get this out of my brain. Please let it leave now…
Setting: Immediately post-Chosen, as Giles and the Slayers regroup in LA after the collapse of Sunnydale. I know this is a setting I use in the Rulesverse, but this is *not* Rulesverse canon, okay? Or if it is, Giles will deny it.
"Wakey-wakey, Rupie."
Oh God.
Even those few words were enough. Giles refused to open his eyes. Refused. Absolutely. As long as he kept them closed, he didn't have to know he was in bed with a… soulless, untamed vampire, come to think of it.
His eyes popped open. He leapt out of the bed. Slunk, rather. He was a little past leaping, and didn't specially want to be naked in front of her anyway. Not any more. But, he hoped, he had moved fast enough to take her by surprise, if she was about to devour him.
Not that that looked likely just at this moment.
"Morning Rupie!"
"Good morning. Harmony."
*
He had dreamed that it was a dream. Nightmare, possibly.
In no dimension of the multiverse; in no world with or without shrimp; in no conceivable plane of existence should he have ended up in bed with Harmony Kendall. (Whether she was a vampire or not, frankly. Either was beyond disturbing.)
But it was true. He had been in a bar.
(He should stop going to bars.)
He had been drinking.
(He should stop drinking.)
He had wanted to talk to someone.
(That had been a mistake.)
He had been pleased to see someone he recognised. He had suggested that they drink together.
(How foolish could a Watcher be?)
*
Had Giles really thought Harmony would be interested in the intricacies of setting up the new Slayer Council? Just because he was tired of coping and being expected to cope without complaining? He'd actually been relieved when she had said, "So, enough about your stuff. Can I tell you about my new job?" He had nodded and smiled and undoubtedly continued to drink as she talked about her evil employers, her unexpected promotion, and the tedious no-human-blood policy the new boss had just brought in. (Quite reassuring, now he recalled it. Whatever else went wrong today, being eaten was probably not on the agenda.)
How had they progressed from there to… here? Giles's memories of the later evening were murky, to say the least. But he started to piece together the narrative.
*
He remembered the way her chin had wobbled, eyes tearing, when he told her about Spike's sacrifice. She was exactly the sort of girl who would cry for an ex-boyfriend who treated her that badly. Silly, but sweet with it.
He remembered patting her hand, actually. And signalling for more drinks to toast Spike's memory. (Bourbon, of course). He remembered Harmony leaning against him for comfort, as she sniffled quietly, and talked about how lonely it was being a vampire who wasn't all that good at being evil, in a town of humans who didn't know she was dead. He remembered signalling for more drinks, to cheer her up. (Something with a cherry in. It made her smile.) He remembered Harmony talking about Spike again, calling him Blondie Bear. And unfortunately he also remembered telling her his first name, and rather a lot about Rupert Bear. He remembered signalling for more drinks (Martinis? Possibly.), in a doomed effort to distract her from calling him "Rupie Bear".
He remembered putting his hand across her mouth, very lightly, when she called him that again. Her cold lips barely brushing his hand, then parting, so that she could lick him. "You taste good, Rupert Bear. But I'm not allowed to eat you all up any more."
She really was very pretty. When she kissed him, he didn't try awfully hard to get her to stop.
He remembered ordering a bottle of champagne. Just because. Then asking the waitress to leave it corked, and towing Harmony out into the street- kissing her up against a wall- hailing a cab- being invited in to drink his champagne- barely opening the bottle before she pounced- gorgeous breasts- her so very cold flesh, should have been off-putting, exciting in the hot city night- that pouty, giggly mouth poised over his- his hands clasping the backs of her thighs as she-
And then nothing.
(Damn.)
*
He'd been standing, remembering, for far too long. Harmony, bless her airhead, had got bored and gone to shower.
He could have walked out. Should have, probably. But he had some sense of remorse at least. So Giles dressed himself distastefully in last night's clothes, and waited for her to return.
"Hi Rupie." She sounded chirpy on the surface, but he could see she was braced for rejection. Which was what he should be doing now.
"Good morning, my dear," he said instead, achieving Patronising Older Man status, instead of Woman-Using Bastard. So far, anyway.
"So…" they said, simultaneously. Coughed, and looked away.
"So I guess a vampire girlfriend wouldn't be good for your career, huh?" said Harmony, to Giles's horror. Though, after the first wave of shock passed, he saw it gave him a graceful exit route.
Regretfully, "No, I'm afraid I think the new Council would frown on unsouled vampire liaisons." He tried not to think about Buffy as he said it. Though he was sure she would do something rather more drastic than frown if he brought Harmony home. Not that he wanted to.
"Aww. I was hoping you could fix that redemption thing for me," said the vampire, reminding him exactly why vampires in general and Harmony in particular were not likely to be good for him. "Or maybe get me back my soul." Her look was a little wobbly, but he rather thought she meant it. At least today.
"I'm not sure we could do that today." Which was true - they didn’t have enough magical ingredients to make a decent pasta sauce at present. "But if you really want it - if you think about it hard, we could do it in the future."
Giles was aware that skipping out on a chance to reclaim a creature of the night (especially when his motive was fear of acquiring the world's most inappropriate girlfriend) was about as low as a Watcher could sink. But he pressed on, horribly benevolent, "Keep up with the no-human-blood thing, and see how that redemption goes. I'm sure you can get in touch with Angel if you decide you want your soul back."
If Harmony's look had spoken, it would have said 'duh'."Of course I can get in touch with him. He's my new boss."
*
Which meant that the conversation suddenly took a sharp left turn, and Giles managed to get out of the apartment without any other references to 'girlfriends'.
He hyperventilated against the building for a while thereafter. You are the lowest form of life, Rupert Giles. You have treated that poor girl appallingly. Worse than Spike did. Well, no, probably not worse as such, but taking an unsouled creature as your moral yardstick wins you no bonus points.
All very highminded, of course, but he was bloody glad to have got clean away. Now all he needed to do was erase all reminders of Rupert Bear from the world, and he could go on with his life. A bad man, but at least not Harmony Kendall's boyfriend.
***
Author Brutti ma buoni
Title Mortal Peril
Rating PG13
Pairing Giles/Harmony
Word Count 1100
A/N: for a prompt I left at Drunken Giles, but which nobody else has adopted. Giles/Harmony - the morning after had never been more terrifying. I couldn't get this out of my brain. Please let it leave now…
Setting: Immediately post-Chosen, as Giles and the Slayers regroup in LA after the collapse of Sunnydale. I know this is a setting I use in the Rulesverse, but this is *not* Rulesverse canon, okay? Or if it is, Giles will deny it.
"Wakey-wakey, Rupie."
Oh God.
Even those few words were enough. Giles refused to open his eyes. Refused. Absolutely. As long as he kept them closed, he didn't have to know he was in bed with a… soulless, untamed vampire, come to think of it.
His eyes popped open. He leapt out of the bed. Slunk, rather. He was a little past leaping, and didn't specially want to be naked in front of her anyway. Not any more. But, he hoped, he had moved fast enough to take her by surprise, if she was about to devour him.
Not that that looked likely just at this moment.
"Morning Rupie!"
"Good morning. Harmony."
*
He had dreamed that it was a dream. Nightmare, possibly.
In no dimension of the multiverse; in no world with or without shrimp; in no conceivable plane of existence should he have ended up in bed with Harmony Kendall. (Whether she was a vampire or not, frankly. Either was beyond disturbing.)
But it was true. He had been in a bar.
(He should stop going to bars.)
He had been drinking.
(He should stop drinking.)
He had wanted to talk to someone.
(That had been a mistake.)
He had been pleased to see someone he recognised. He had suggested that they drink together.
(How foolish could a Watcher be?)
*
Had Giles really thought Harmony would be interested in the intricacies of setting up the new Slayer Council? Just because he was tired of coping and being expected to cope without complaining? He'd actually been relieved when she had said, "So, enough about your stuff. Can I tell you about my new job?" He had nodded and smiled and undoubtedly continued to drink as she talked about her evil employers, her unexpected promotion, and the tedious no-human-blood policy the new boss had just brought in. (Quite reassuring, now he recalled it. Whatever else went wrong today, being eaten was probably not on the agenda.)
How had they progressed from there to… here? Giles's memories of the later evening were murky, to say the least. But he started to piece together the narrative.
*
He remembered the way her chin had wobbled, eyes tearing, when he told her about Spike's sacrifice. She was exactly the sort of girl who would cry for an ex-boyfriend who treated her that badly. Silly, but sweet with it.
He remembered patting her hand, actually. And signalling for more drinks to toast Spike's memory. (Bourbon, of course). He remembered Harmony leaning against him for comfort, as she sniffled quietly, and talked about how lonely it was being a vampire who wasn't all that good at being evil, in a town of humans who didn't know she was dead. He remembered signalling for more drinks, to cheer her up. (Something with a cherry in. It made her smile.) He remembered Harmony talking about Spike again, calling him Blondie Bear. And unfortunately he also remembered telling her his first name, and rather a lot about Rupert Bear. He remembered signalling for more drinks (Martinis? Possibly.), in a doomed effort to distract her from calling him "Rupie Bear".
He remembered putting his hand across her mouth, very lightly, when she called him that again. Her cold lips barely brushing his hand, then parting, so that she could lick him. "You taste good, Rupert Bear. But I'm not allowed to eat you all up any more."
She really was very pretty. When she kissed him, he didn't try awfully hard to get her to stop.
He remembered ordering a bottle of champagne. Just because. Then asking the waitress to leave it corked, and towing Harmony out into the street- kissing her up against a wall- hailing a cab- being invited in to drink his champagne- barely opening the bottle before she pounced- gorgeous breasts- her so very cold flesh, should have been off-putting, exciting in the hot city night- that pouty, giggly mouth poised over his- his hands clasping the backs of her thighs as she-
And then nothing.
(Damn.)
*
He'd been standing, remembering, for far too long. Harmony, bless her airhead, had got bored and gone to shower.
He could have walked out. Should have, probably. But he had some sense of remorse at least. So Giles dressed himself distastefully in last night's clothes, and waited for her to return.
"Hi Rupie." She sounded chirpy on the surface, but he could see she was braced for rejection. Which was what he should be doing now.
"Good morning, my dear," he said instead, achieving Patronising Older Man status, instead of Woman-Using Bastard. So far, anyway.
"So…" they said, simultaneously. Coughed, and looked away.
"So I guess a vampire girlfriend wouldn't be good for your career, huh?" said Harmony, to Giles's horror. Though, after the first wave of shock passed, he saw it gave him a graceful exit route.
Regretfully, "No, I'm afraid I think the new Council would frown on unsouled vampire liaisons." He tried not to think about Buffy as he said it. Though he was sure she would do something rather more drastic than frown if he brought Harmony home. Not that he wanted to.
"Aww. I was hoping you could fix that redemption thing for me," said the vampire, reminding him exactly why vampires in general and Harmony in particular were not likely to be good for him. "Or maybe get me back my soul." Her look was a little wobbly, but he rather thought she meant it. At least today.
"I'm not sure we could do that today." Which was true - they didn’t have enough magical ingredients to make a decent pasta sauce at present. "But if you really want it - if you think about it hard, we could do it in the future."
Giles was aware that skipping out on a chance to reclaim a creature of the night (especially when his motive was fear of acquiring the world's most inappropriate girlfriend) was about as low as a Watcher could sink. But he pressed on, horribly benevolent, "Keep up with the no-human-blood thing, and see how that redemption goes. I'm sure you can get in touch with Angel if you decide you want your soul back."
If Harmony's look had spoken, it would have said 'duh'."Of course I can get in touch with him. He's my new boss."
*
Which meant that the conversation suddenly took a sharp left turn, and Giles managed to get out of the apartment without any other references to 'girlfriends'.
He hyperventilated against the building for a while thereafter. You are the lowest form of life, Rupert Giles. You have treated that poor girl appallingly. Worse than Spike did. Well, no, probably not worse as such, but taking an unsouled creature as your moral yardstick wins you no bonus points.
All very highminded, of course, but he was bloody glad to have got clean away. Now all he needed to do was erase all reminders of Rupert Bear from the world, and he could go on with his life. A bad man, but at least not Harmony Kendall's boyfriend.
***