;; 008 (pay no attention to my nonsense)
i needed a break from writing the sequel to neverendingromance. zach/chris are being so awkward and just won't reconcile :\
so i wrote this,
and i feel like i need a disclaimer or something;
all the pairings i read/write, i feel like there is a certain plausibility to them. but this? this is the one i am 100% is the least plausible of them all.
and seriously, my characterization of them is so off, you might as well consider this an AU.
it's for my favorite bitch, because it's her birthday today and i promised i would write her something.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK! skelet0nme
i'm so sorry if this sucks, but it has anton ♥
it's rated C for crack and may or may not include some sexual content and some (read: a lot) drug use, but nothing too out there.
some things here were stolenfrom//inspiredby rules of attraction, textsfromlastnight (my favorite writing source, seriously), mr. cooper, as if, skins, and anton's mix from nylon magazine.
anyways, i give you this.
Boom, boom, booming back at you. (Or the epic adventures of how Anton Yelchin helps Karl Urban out)
4,295 words of pure crack
NC-17
prologue
The night filming is done is actually where it starts, and it ends.
It starts with a hmm. Not a word, or even a syllable, but just a hmm. A sound coming from Christopher Pine followed by a question by one Bruce Greenwood. "What?"
"Nothing." Chris says, twirling his green beer bottle around.
"You should be down there dancing, not here getting shit faced with me and Bob."
Chris grunts and does a half-smile, the one he does when he is trying hard not to look like he is thinking hard. "I just don't get it, Anton is like, 15."
Bruce looks over to the dance floor; Karl is there, arm slung around Anton's shoulders, both of them screaming along to the music. "He's been having a crisis, he needs to feel young."
"Yeah, you people and your mid-life crises."
"Hey, trust me, it happens."
Later, when everyone is gone and all that is left at the bar is a few Trek cast members they switch from Jack to tequila. Chris squeezes himself in between Karl and Anton and toasts their drinks so hard that half of the liquid gets dumped on the floor. He pours more tequila on the glass before dumping some into Karl's mouth. "I didn't mean to cock block, but Bruce is talking about money exchange rates and Zach is nowhere to be found."
Karl and Anton are left laughing when Chris chases after a blonde like a kid does behind the ice cream truck. "Imagine that, imagine us."
That's where is starts, and this is where it ends. 7 hours later in Karl's bedroom; plane ticket, LAX - AKL, on the night stand.
one.
He gets a phone call from Natalie two months after shooting begins. She's not saying it's over, but it sure doesn't sound like she is trilled to partake in this long distance fiasco. Maybe it's just a phase she is going through, it'll all be fine once she comes visit and sees for herself that this is a sacrifice well worth making. He doesn't argue and when the phone line goes dead the first thing he does is reach for the Rum bottle and drink enough so that he can have a good night sleep.
He looks like shit the next day, and it takes the makeup girls 30 minutes to get rid of the purple bags under his eyes.
Zoe is the first to notice him mopping around. He regrets telling her the minute the words come out of his mouth. But hey, she's the only girl around set he wants to talk to maybe she will understand; but she is also a girl, gossip runs through her veins.
20 minutes later, he's walking outside the studio when Anton sneaks up behind him.
"Hey, I heard old man. Don't worry, I got your back. Meet me by my trailer tonight."
Karl turns around, displaying his best annoyed-smile. "If this is about me helping you with some school project you can forget about it."
"No, I mean it. Meet me tonight ok?"
His lips curl into a half-smile. "Sure."
"Tonight it is, don't go dead beat on me."
He goes on to shoot his scenes and get some compliments from JJ and comforting looks from Zoe and Zach. He doesn't need them, but its nice to know they're there.
It's almost 10 by the time he gets done and going over to do whatever Anton has up his sleeve sounds like too much of an effort. Eh, fuck it, it's either that or going home and drowning in cheap vodka.
"Dude... I thought your ass wasn't going... to show up." Anton says between breaths. It already sounds like a bad idea.
"Hey, don't start with me. I just got done."
"Whatever. Here, hold this."
And just like that Anton gives him the fattest joint Karl has ever seen like it's nothing. Acting as if they wouldn't be in big trouble for lighting up some grass on Paramount ground. Whatever, his wife just semi-dumped him, if that's not a good enough excuse to act erratically then he doesn't know what is.
Karl inhales too much smoke too quickly and starts coughing. His eyes are watering down and his throat starts to itch.
"Woah, dude, be careful. This is strong blueberry shit, you don't want to fuck with this."
"Blueberry shit, weed is just weed."
They smoke the whole joint and switch their conversation to Anton's favorite subject: music. He lists all these musicians he is probably too young to even know about. Karl feels a little too old and young again at the same time. It's a weird feeling.
And that is how it starts. That's how the friendship starts, with blueberry weed wrapped up in bright yellow rice paper and discussions about The Clash.
two.
It's not that he feels responsible for taking care of Karl, because if anything, that's Zoe's problem. Karl went to her in the first place. It's just that if Karl is going to start drinking like an out of control teenager, he might as well do it with, you know, an actual out of control teenager.
Besides, Karl has good taste in beer and knows a thing or two about good music.
"What has nine arms and sucks?" He says as soon as the line gets picked up.
"It's too late for this shit Anton."
He picks up the leather jacket from the sofa. "What are you talking about? It's too early man! The boom boom is just getting started."
"I'm hanging up."
"No no no, don't hang up. What has nine arms and sucks?"
He can hear the wheels running inside Karl's brain. "I don't know."
"Def Leppard."
"Good one." Karl says with cynicism "No wait, that's actually a good one."
"You offend me. I'm taking your ass out tonight. Get ready old man, I'll be there in 20."
He skips the gel and picks his favorite hat from the dresser, leaves a note to mom on the kitchen table and calls for a cab.
"Hurry up old man! The boom boom is waiting."
Karl comes out of his amazingly big paramount-owned house wearing an old t-shirt and a vest. "I don't even know why I'm going out with you, I should be ringing my wife."
"Don't worry about your wife. We'll get her back, but not tonight, and definitely not wearing that vest."
"What's wrong with my vest?"
"Nothing, let's go."
They get into the cab and pull up by a small club. It's too crowded, there's people waiting in line to get in. But it's ok, he's been here enough times to be able to get in without problems. They walk to the bouncer who greets him with a high five and a fist bump. "About time, Dave and the others are inside already." The bouncer lifts up the rope and they walk in, but not before he stops Karl.
"You got an ID?"
The look on Karl's face is priceless. A mixture of perplexed and annoyance.
"He's fucking with you, come on let's get in."
Anton drags Karl up to the bar and orders a round of shots and two pints of Guinnes.
"Aren't you worried? You're not of age, someone could see you." Karl says as soon as the drinks get served and tries to yank the double shot from Anton's hand.
"Aren't you worried? I'm just here, drinking a drink that you bought me, while you hold my hand."
Karl quickly lets go of his hand and they say cheers and chug down the shots.
After the second or third round, Anton tries once again to drag Karl into the dance floor.
"I don't dance."
"Bullshit," He replies between swigs from the bottle. "I'm pretty sure I've seen you get down with Chris."
"Well-- I don't dance to this, this techno crap. I'm not down with the boom boom."
Anton finishes what's left of the beer and pats Karl on the shoulder. "Not a problem. In here, everyone dances to their own boom boom."
And so they do. They dance and get shout outs from the DJ and do cherry bombs with Anton's friends. He spots a blonde girl with, what Dave calls, cock sucking lips and tries to make out with her between puffs of cheap cigarettes and more cherry bombs.
He's having fun, and by the looks of it Karl is having fun too. There's a leggy brunette dancing a little too close to him and his face and body movements aren't saying no.
"Isn't this fun?" Anton says while the blonde girl stumbles trying to light up her cigarette.
"Yeah yeah. You were right." And the leggy brunette, Wendy, wraps her arms around Karl and gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.
"You know what we need? Some E."
Karl tries his best to untangle himself from Wendy. "You want to do Ecstasy?"
"Woah, woah! Do you want to do E?"
Karl doesn't reply because Wendy shoves her tongue down his throat and grabs a handful of ass. Right after doing so, she pushes him away and purple liquid projects out of her mouth and into Karl's vest.
He can't control the laughter coming out of him. "I told you that vest would do you no good."
Karl then leaves but not without first asking if he should leave with him. I'll be ok old man, go clean up. I'll see you on Monday. And Karl does, after all he isn't his father. This isn't one of those old-guy-needs-to-parent-someone because-his-kids-aren't-around thing.
three.
There are some days, where Karl wonders if Paramount gave him this McMansion on purpose. It's not that he wouldn't miss his family in a one bedroom apartment, it's just that there's more room here to miss them here. He could play Xbox with his kid in the game room, or have a romantic shag with Natalie in the hot tub.
So he rings Anton because he is bored out of his mind. It goes straight to voicemail.
Only five people have this number, if you're not one of them then hang up.
"What's Sid Vicious' real name?" He says before hanging up.
He gets a call back five minutes later.
"John Simon Ritchie."
"Want to come over for a swim? I've got a bar filled with grade-A alcohol."
"Sure, why not? Rock and Roll!" Anton replies before hanging up.
Half an hour later Anton is there with his guitar and two packs of Marlboro Lights that he throws at Karl.
"So this is what sleeping with JJ will get you." He says, tilting his head and looking around the room.
"Yeah, just wait 'til I sleep with Leonard, I head he's going to buy me a jet."
They get into the pool and do a few laps before Anton starts pushing water right in his face and swims away. "Don't start things you can't finish." He says as he chases away. He takes a deep breath and lunge into the water, aiming straight to Anton's legs. Anton drowns into the water and tries to wrestle back by pulling Karl's shoulder blade.
"Oh it's on, old man." He goes underwater and grips on his ankle, pulling Karl beneath him. Karl chokes and comes undone from the two person pretzel they managed to get themselves into. He pushes more water in Anton's direction. Anton replies by getting him into a headlock and drags him backwards, one leg half-wrapped around his waist, trying to hold on.
He's taken back by what he feels, Anton is at least half hard.
Karl takes a deep breath and sinks into the water without letting Anton know. Thus, making him let go.
They get out of the pool and eat left over guacamole with blue corn chips. Anton makes green mixed drinks that taste too sweet to be alcohol. are you sure there's alcohol in this? Not just, I don't know, melted candy? They drink by the patio and light up a purple joint.
"Natalie and Hunter are coming next week." He says as they lay and take in the last of the LA sun.
"So what's the plan? What are we doing to get her back?" Anton lowers his glasses just enough to look at Karl.
"We, aren't going to do anything."
four.
Natalie brings Hunter by the set on a Thursday. Cho brings his wife and kid, and everyone around melts into a pile of goo.
Everyone except Anton.
He doesn't hate kids, he just dislikes them. They're loud and sloppy and carry poop with them and try to touch everything. Maybe this is how everyone feels around him.
Whatever, he takes three aspirin and does his takes.
"Hey, you coming to dinner?" Zach asks while they walk to their trailers.
"Eh, I'm gonna try and get some band practice. Maybe next time?"
He goes to late practice with Dave and Ryan but not with Darian, because Darian is being a bitch lately. And when he finally gets home he jacks off to photos of Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Friday night Karl invites everyone to his place, he says he's going to grill some dinner. Which is Karl's way of saying he will buy everything and hope Cho cooks it, because Cho is the big Texan guy.
He gets a little too drunk, and he knows so because he is arguing with Hunter about lightsabers and Harry Potter.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Zach tries to take his drink.
"No, dude I'm fine. I'm more than fine."
Chris, who is hammered as well, emerges from behind and wraps his arm around Anton's waist. "See? We're on cloud nine!" They twirl around like retarded ballerinas at the Bolshoi and Zach shakes his head in disapproval.
He doesn't see Karl until he's on his way to get drink #10083, the good tequila he keeps below the sink.
"You doing ok, Yelchin?"
Bingo, he finds two unopened bottles. "Perfect! Hey, how's it going. With Natalie?"
"Too early to tell. I don't want to push for them to stay longer right now."
"If she doesn't take you back, then you can have the next best thing."
"And what exactly is that?"
Anton pushes one of the bottles against him. "Tequila, the liquid of the Gods."
He walks outside, but halfway he turns over and looks at Karl. "Hey, you coming old man?"
Hunter finally goes to bed, and everyone except Chris and Zach leave. Zach is too busy talking with Karl to notice Chris and Anton playing coins & shots with the remains of the tequila. Natalie has called it a night and gone up to bed.
"Don't be such a pussy, drink the fucking shot. It's not like your mom is going to spank you because you got drunk."
He shoots another quarter. "How do you know that?"
"I thought we were spending the night?"
Anton drinks the shot. "Fine, but if I pass out you have to leave food near me so I can wake up to it."
"Deal and cheers." And there's a clash of glasses and more tequila being poured.
Forty minutes and half a bottle later, Anton finds himself hugging the toilet. Karl holding back the curls so the chips and corn and what the fuck is that red stuff? don't get tangled.
"I'm never drinking again." He says when the gag reflex seems to calm down.
Karl hands him an empty towel. "Hey now, let's not get ahead of ourselves."
He doesn't reach for the towel because there's more vomit coming out of his mouth. "No, I'm serious Karl. I'm dying here. Please don't wear the vest to my funeral."
five.
Natalie leaves the same way she arrives, without answers and unsure of their future.
Zoe says everything will be ok. Zach quotes some fucking writer he can't remember. And Chris' solution is going to a strip club.
"No way man. I'm not going to a strip club with you."
"Karl, my man, but it's Wet Wednesday."
Anton pops up as if being on queue. "We're going to Wet Wednesday?"
Chris holds up both hands and Anton high fives them. "Sweet."
They take a cab to the club, because none of them is going to be able to pull off driving on the way back. Chris has to give the bouncer $200 so they'll let Anton in. Anton says he'll repay in the form or liquor and lap dances.
"Come on old man, you need to let go of the past and look forward to the future." Anton says as they make their way in.
Chris quickly makes his way close to the stage and starts ordering drinks and stuffing bills inside a blonde's panties, Zach laughing hysterically. Karl, on the other hand, finds a booth far enough for his liking and slides into it.
"I was thinking, you're a pretty lucky old man. You have your dream role, a huge McMansion, not to shabby looks; there's no reason for Natalie not to take you back."
A girl wearing hot pink pasties walks to them and asks if they need anything to drink. "Luck has nothing to do with anything."
"Two Heinekens and Cherry Bombs." Anton tells the girl.
Chris, believe it or not, gets tired of stuffing bills down girl's panties. Or at least, he gets tires of doing it alone, so he comes back to the booth. "Karl, Karl, are you having fun or what?"
He raises the glass and purses his lips. "Barely."
"Oh please, there's a girl with a pink wig who wanted to give me a lap dance, but I suggested she come to you, because this is your night."
"Besides," Zach interrupts by wrapping his arms around Chris from behind. "He's with me today."
"Oh yeah, there's that. Completely forgot I'm being gay for you tonight."
Zach pretends to be offended. "Yes, only for me." He pretends to kiss Chris on the cheek.
"Well, for you and for Bana." Chris corrects him. "And maybe Bruce, and Cho."
They drink another round of beer and Sapphire, (which isn't her real name, nor is it her stripper name) comes over to dance for Karl. He feels very prudish, and stiff as a stick, but Sapphire is nice to look at. She is certainly the hottest stripper around, with her deep blue eyes and her purple petite panties. She has small tits, but they're really nice ones, and her skin looks like it feels like silk.
He stuffs what ends up being $ 257, because he is hypnotized by the way she moves her body. "I think I love you." He tells her.
"Thank you." She says as the song ends and she moves on to a booth behind theirs.
Karl looks back and can't help feeling a little jealousy. "I feel used."
"That's what strippers do old man. They make you feel special for a couple of minutes, or in your case 15, and then they move on."
He's blacking out in the cab ride home. And there is so much irony on the fact that Anton is sitting on his lap, patting his cheeks and telling him don't go dead beat on me old man.
six.
The end of filming party, or 'end of the world party' as Anton calls it, comes sooner than anyone ever expected. One day you filming fight scenes and getting your ass handed to you by stunt doubles, and then you blink and it's all gone.
JJ had the bar closed to anyone who wasn't involved on the film, which meant that they could all get shit faced without worrying about ending up on Page Six or the Post.
Anton is six kinds of drunk. "Karl! Cherry Bombs? Come on, let's go dance."
And they do Cherry Bombs, and Karl drags him to the middle of the dance floor. "I think I can feel the boom boom." He says.
It's not Eric Prydz or Moby that they're moving to this time. They're shaking their heads and singing along to Kasabian. The kind of boom boom Karl can get behind.
" Uuh! Ah ah ah aha!"
"I'll tell you I want you." Karl sings, and his face gets a little too close to Anton's. He's yelling the words to his ear but in the loudness of the club it all sounds like whispers. "I'll tell you I need youuuuu."
Chris squeezes himself in between them, two shot glasses in one hand and tequila bottle in the other. He pours gold liquid over them and they toast. When Karl objects that he feels excluded, Chris pours tequila straight into his mouth.
"I didn't mean to cock block, but Bruce is talking about money exchange rates and Zach is nowhere to be found."
But right as he says this he runs after one of the make-up girls.
Karl goes into a laughing fit and puts his hand on Anton's chest to hold himself steady. "Imagine that, imagine us."
Sooner than later the party winds down.
"I left a joint in the cabinet by your sink." Anton says while they're both at the urinal.
"Interesting. We should smoke it right now, after this."
"Do you wanna leave?"
"Yeah."
They bump their firsts without looking at each other and finish their business.
On their cab ride home, Karl does his best Bones impression and the driver seems less than amused.
"I know I left it somewhere around here." He's rummaging through the cabinet and drawers before he finds a sad white joint with little coconut drawings on it. "Aha! Here it is."
Karl is laying in bed, trying to open a pack of glow in the dark stars he bought for Hunter a while back.
He lights up the joint and lets the ribbons of smoke wrap around him. "Hey we should put those up."
"That's the idea." Karl says.
Anton presses his fingers against Karl's mouth and he inhales the fruity flavored joint.
They glue the stars to the ceiling by standing on top of the bed. The glue is so cheap that some of them start falling seconds after. The lights get turned off 10 minutes after and then they lie in bed and look up at the fake sky they've made for themselves.
Karl passes the joint to Anton. "What am I going to do without you old man? Whose going to teach me the ways of things?" He inhales and coughs up the smoke.
"You don't need me to figure things out, you have your shit all figured out." He takes the joint from Anton.
"Yeah, I guess I do."
They keep the same rhythm of passing the weed back and forth until it's all gone.
He gets up to throw the little piece that's left and when he comes back he throws himself over Karl and pins him down. They're wrestling like they do in the pool. His face literally inches away from Karl's.
"What we are about to do, is very wrong." Karl says as he lunges himself and with a twist he's on top of Anton.
"Oh yeah, and what is that?"
There is no answer, and he doesn't remember who makes the first move, but clothes get lost really quickly.
And so this is how it's going to end, with Karl on top of him and glow in the dark stars falling over his back.
"Karl-- just-- slow. I've never--" And Karl slows down, maybe a little too much. That fucker.
He's fisting the sheets beneath him and he can't take it anymore. "Are you-- FUCK!"
It hurts, but not that badly. Only a little bit of sharp pain at the start, not horrible but not exactly pleasant. He's twisting and moaning and Karl is touching him in all sort of inappropriate ways. He's digging his fingers so hard, that it's going to leave a mark.
When he comes, Anton swears he sees fireworks. Maybe it's just the way his head is spinning and the stars are glowing.
"Dude, my back. It's burning."
Karl ruffles his hair. "Yeah, I know. My bad."
"Don't worry I'm gonna get you back."
And they drift into a sleep.
When he wakes up the next morning Karl is still ruffling his hair. "I'm starving." He says.
"Don't expect breakfast in bed or some shit like that. I actually have to leave," He quickly glances at the clock before getting up. "band practice."
Karl doesn't say anything back. They don't talk about it because both of them refuse to let things get awkward.
"What time is your flight?" He looks at the ticket placed on the night stand.
"Not for hours, I think I have the red-eye."
"Good choice, old people like you probably only travel by night." He says with a smile.
"Asshole."
"Ratbag."
"Scum."
"Sheep fucker."
Karl doesn't reply and his mouth is left open.
Moments later, Anton starts laughing and so does Karl.
"I told you I was going to get you back."
epilogue
From: sheep fckr
Happy Birthday. Hope you're puking your brains out.
March 11, 9:10 pm
From: BOOM BOOM
ur not here to hold my head
March 12, 4:15 pm
From: BOOM BOOM
happy late bday.
sheep fucker ;)
June 10, 9:27 pm
They see each other again at the Moscow premiere. And if all the moments they've had only exist in their minds, at least this one is being documented by the whole world.
Flashes are being thrown at them and all they can do is smile.
"I never asked, how's Natalie and Hunter?"
"Great, we're doing great."
"Told ya, everything was going to work out."
"Yeah, I know."
"Hey, do you want to get drunk with us tonight?"
"I'll get back to you on that."
"Ok, just don't go dead beat on me, old man.
so i wrote this,
and i feel like i need a disclaimer or something;
all the pairings i read/write, i feel like there is a certain plausibility to them. but this? this is the one i am 100% is the least plausible of them all.
and seriously, my characterization of them is so off, you might as well consider this an AU.
it's for my favorite bitch, because it's her birthday today and i promised i would write her something.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK! skelet0nme
i'm so sorry if this sucks, but it has anton ♥
it's rated C for crack and may or may not include some sexual content and some (read: a lot) drug use, but nothing too out there.
some things here were stolenfrom//inspiredby rules of attraction, textsfromlastnight (my favorite writing source, seriously), mr. cooper, as if, skins, and anton's mix from nylon magazine.
anyways, i give you this.
Boom, boom, booming back at you. (Or the epic adventures of how Anton Yelchin helps Karl Urban out)
4,295 words of pure crack
NC-17
prologue
The night filming is done is actually where it starts, and it ends.
It starts with a hmm. Not a word, or even a syllable, but just a hmm. A sound coming from Christopher Pine followed by a question by one Bruce Greenwood. "What?"
"Nothing." Chris says, twirling his green beer bottle around.
"You should be down there dancing, not here getting shit faced with me and Bob."
Chris grunts and does a half-smile, the one he does when he is trying hard not to look like he is thinking hard. "I just don't get it, Anton is like, 15."
Bruce looks over to the dance floor; Karl is there, arm slung around Anton's shoulders, both of them screaming along to the music. "He's been having a crisis, he needs to feel young."
"Yeah, you people and your mid-life crises."
"Hey, trust me, it happens."
Later, when everyone is gone and all that is left at the bar is a few Trek cast members they switch from Jack to tequila. Chris squeezes himself in between Karl and Anton and toasts their drinks so hard that half of the liquid gets dumped on the floor. He pours more tequila on the glass before dumping some into Karl's mouth. "I didn't mean to cock block, but Bruce is talking about money exchange rates and Zach is nowhere to be found."
Karl and Anton are left laughing when Chris chases after a blonde like a kid does behind the ice cream truck. "Imagine that, imagine us."
That's where is starts, and this is where it ends. 7 hours later in Karl's bedroom; plane ticket, LAX - AKL, on the night stand.
one.
He gets a phone call from Natalie two months after shooting begins. She's not saying it's over, but it sure doesn't sound like she is trilled to partake in this long distance fiasco. Maybe it's just a phase she is going through, it'll all be fine once she comes visit and sees for herself that this is a sacrifice well worth making. He doesn't argue and when the phone line goes dead the first thing he does is reach for the Rum bottle and drink enough so that he can have a good night sleep.
He looks like shit the next day, and it takes the makeup girls 30 minutes to get rid of the purple bags under his eyes.
Zoe is the first to notice him mopping around. He regrets telling her the minute the words come out of his mouth. But hey, she's the only girl around set he wants to talk to maybe she will understand; but she is also a girl, gossip runs through her veins.
20 minutes later, he's walking outside the studio when Anton sneaks up behind him.
"Hey, I heard old man. Don't worry, I got your back. Meet me by my trailer tonight."
Karl turns around, displaying his best annoyed-smile. "If this is about me helping you with some school project you can forget about it."
"No, I mean it. Meet me tonight ok?"
His lips curl into a half-smile. "Sure."
"Tonight it is, don't go dead beat on me."
He goes on to shoot his scenes and get some compliments from JJ and comforting looks from Zoe and Zach. He doesn't need them, but its nice to know they're there.
It's almost 10 by the time he gets done and going over to do whatever Anton has up his sleeve sounds like too much of an effort. Eh, fuck it, it's either that or going home and drowning in cheap vodka.
"Dude... I thought your ass wasn't going... to show up." Anton says between breaths. It already sounds like a bad idea.
"Hey, don't start with me. I just got done."
"Whatever. Here, hold this."
And just like that Anton gives him the fattest joint Karl has ever seen like it's nothing. Acting as if they wouldn't be in big trouble for lighting up some grass on Paramount ground. Whatever, his wife just semi-dumped him, if that's not a good enough excuse to act erratically then he doesn't know what is.
Karl inhales too much smoke too quickly and starts coughing. His eyes are watering down and his throat starts to itch.
"Woah, dude, be careful. This is strong blueberry shit, you don't want to fuck with this."
"Blueberry shit, weed is just weed."
They smoke the whole joint and switch their conversation to Anton's favorite subject: music. He lists all these musicians he is probably too young to even know about. Karl feels a little too old and young again at the same time. It's a weird feeling.
And that is how it starts. That's how the friendship starts, with blueberry weed wrapped up in bright yellow rice paper and discussions about The Clash.
two.
It's not that he feels responsible for taking care of Karl, because if anything, that's Zoe's problem. Karl went to her in the first place. It's just that if Karl is going to start drinking like an out of control teenager, he might as well do it with, you know, an actual out of control teenager.
Besides, Karl has good taste in beer and knows a thing or two about good music.
"What has nine arms and sucks?" He says as soon as the line gets picked up.
"It's too late for this shit Anton."
He picks up the leather jacket from the sofa. "What are you talking about? It's too early man! The boom boom is just getting started."
"I'm hanging up."
"No no no, don't hang up. What has nine arms and sucks?"
He can hear the wheels running inside Karl's brain. "I don't know."
"Def Leppard."
"Good one." Karl says with cynicism "No wait, that's actually a good one."
"You offend me. I'm taking your ass out tonight. Get ready old man, I'll be there in 20."
He skips the gel and picks his favorite hat from the dresser, leaves a note to mom on the kitchen table and calls for a cab.
"Hurry up old man! The boom boom is waiting."
Karl comes out of his amazingly big paramount-owned house wearing an old t-shirt and a vest. "I don't even know why I'm going out with you, I should be ringing my wife."
"Don't worry about your wife. We'll get her back, but not tonight, and definitely not wearing that vest."
"What's wrong with my vest?"
"Nothing, let's go."
They get into the cab and pull up by a small club. It's too crowded, there's people waiting in line to get in. But it's ok, he's been here enough times to be able to get in without problems. They walk to the bouncer who greets him with a high five and a fist bump. "About time, Dave and the others are inside already." The bouncer lifts up the rope and they walk in, but not before he stops Karl.
"You got an ID?"
The look on Karl's face is priceless. A mixture of perplexed and annoyance.
"He's fucking with you, come on let's get in."
Anton drags Karl up to the bar and orders a round of shots and two pints of Guinnes.
"Aren't you worried? You're not of age, someone could see you." Karl says as soon as the drinks get served and tries to yank the double shot from Anton's hand.
"Aren't you worried? I'm just here, drinking a drink that you bought me, while you hold my hand."
Karl quickly lets go of his hand and they say cheers and chug down the shots.
After the second or third round, Anton tries once again to drag Karl into the dance floor.
"I don't dance."
"Bullshit," He replies between swigs from the bottle. "I'm pretty sure I've seen you get down with Chris."
"Well-- I don't dance to this, this techno crap. I'm not down with the boom boom."
Anton finishes what's left of the beer and pats Karl on the shoulder. "Not a problem. In here, everyone dances to their own boom boom."
And so they do. They dance and get shout outs from the DJ and do cherry bombs with Anton's friends. He spots a blonde girl with, what Dave calls, cock sucking lips and tries to make out with her between puffs of cheap cigarettes and more cherry bombs.
He's having fun, and by the looks of it Karl is having fun too. There's a leggy brunette dancing a little too close to him and his face and body movements aren't saying no.
"Isn't this fun?" Anton says while the blonde girl stumbles trying to light up her cigarette.
"Yeah yeah. You were right." And the leggy brunette, Wendy, wraps her arms around Karl and gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.
"You know what we need? Some E."
Karl tries his best to untangle himself from Wendy. "You want to do Ecstasy?"
"Woah, woah! Do you want to do E?"
Karl doesn't reply because Wendy shoves her tongue down his throat and grabs a handful of ass. Right after doing so, she pushes him away and purple liquid projects out of her mouth and into Karl's vest.
He can't control the laughter coming out of him. "I told you that vest would do you no good."
Karl then leaves but not without first asking if he should leave with him. I'll be ok old man, go clean up. I'll see you on Monday. And Karl does, after all he isn't his father. This isn't one of those old-guy-needs-to-parent-someone because-his-kids-aren't-around thing.
three.
There are some days, where Karl wonders if Paramount gave him this McMansion on purpose. It's not that he wouldn't miss his family in a one bedroom apartment, it's just that there's more room here to miss them here. He could play Xbox with his kid in the game room, or have a romantic shag with Natalie in the hot tub.
So he rings Anton because he is bored out of his mind. It goes straight to voicemail.
Only five people have this number, if you're not one of them then hang up.
"What's Sid Vicious' real name?" He says before hanging up.
He gets a call back five minutes later.
"John Simon Ritchie."
"Want to come over for a swim? I've got a bar filled with grade-A alcohol."
"Sure, why not? Rock and Roll!" Anton replies before hanging up.
Half an hour later Anton is there with his guitar and two packs of Marlboro Lights that he throws at Karl.
"So this is what sleeping with JJ will get you." He says, tilting his head and looking around the room.
"Yeah, just wait 'til I sleep with Leonard, I head he's going to buy me a jet."
They get into the pool and do a few laps before Anton starts pushing water right in his face and swims away. "Don't start things you can't finish." He says as he chases away. He takes a deep breath and lunge into the water, aiming straight to Anton's legs. Anton drowns into the water and tries to wrestle back by pulling Karl's shoulder blade.
"Oh it's on, old man." He goes underwater and grips on his ankle, pulling Karl beneath him. Karl chokes and comes undone from the two person pretzel they managed to get themselves into. He pushes more water in Anton's direction. Anton replies by getting him into a headlock and drags him backwards, one leg half-wrapped around his waist, trying to hold on.
He's taken back by what he feels, Anton is at least half hard.
Karl takes a deep breath and sinks into the water without letting Anton know. Thus, making him let go.
They get out of the pool and eat left over guacamole with blue corn chips. Anton makes green mixed drinks that taste too sweet to be alcohol. are you sure there's alcohol in this? Not just, I don't know, melted candy? They drink by the patio and light up a purple joint.
"Natalie and Hunter are coming next week." He says as they lay and take in the last of the LA sun.
"So what's the plan? What are we doing to get her back?" Anton lowers his glasses just enough to look at Karl.
"We, aren't going to do anything."
four.
Natalie brings Hunter by the set on a Thursday. Cho brings his wife and kid, and everyone around melts into a pile of goo.
Everyone except Anton.
He doesn't hate kids, he just dislikes them. They're loud and sloppy and carry poop with them and try to touch everything. Maybe this is how everyone feels around him.
Whatever, he takes three aspirin and does his takes.
"Hey, you coming to dinner?" Zach asks while they walk to their trailers.
"Eh, I'm gonna try and get some band practice. Maybe next time?"
He goes to late practice with Dave and Ryan but not with Darian, because Darian is being a bitch lately. And when he finally gets home he jacks off to photos of Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Friday night Karl invites everyone to his place, he says he's going to grill some dinner. Which is Karl's way of saying he will buy everything and hope Cho cooks it, because Cho is the big Texan guy.
He gets a little too drunk, and he knows so because he is arguing with Hunter about lightsabers and Harry Potter.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Zach tries to take his drink.
"No, dude I'm fine. I'm more than fine."
Chris, who is hammered as well, emerges from behind and wraps his arm around Anton's waist. "See? We're on cloud nine!" They twirl around like retarded ballerinas at the Bolshoi and Zach shakes his head in disapproval.
He doesn't see Karl until he's on his way to get drink #10083, the good tequila he keeps below the sink.
"You doing ok, Yelchin?"
Bingo, he finds two unopened bottles. "Perfect! Hey, how's it going. With Natalie?"
"Too early to tell. I don't want to push for them to stay longer right now."
"If she doesn't take you back, then you can have the next best thing."
"And what exactly is that?"
Anton pushes one of the bottles against him. "Tequila, the liquid of the Gods."
He walks outside, but halfway he turns over and looks at Karl. "Hey, you coming old man?"
Hunter finally goes to bed, and everyone except Chris and Zach leave. Zach is too busy talking with Karl to notice Chris and Anton playing coins & shots with the remains of the tequila. Natalie has called it a night and gone up to bed.
"Don't be such a pussy, drink the fucking shot. It's not like your mom is going to spank you because you got drunk."
He shoots another quarter. "How do you know that?"
"I thought we were spending the night?"
Anton drinks the shot. "Fine, but if I pass out you have to leave food near me so I can wake up to it."
"Deal and cheers." And there's a clash of glasses and more tequila being poured.
Forty minutes and half a bottle later, Anton finds himself hugging the toilet. Karl holding back the curls so the chips and corn and what the fuck is that red stuff? don't get tangled.
"I'm never drinking again." He says when the gag reflex seems to calm down.
Karl hands him an empty towel. "Hey now, let's not get ahead of ourselves."
He doesn't reach for the towel because there's more vomit coming out of his mouth. "No, I'm serious Karl. I'm dying here. Please don't wear the vest to my funeral."
five.
Natalie leaves the same way she arrives, without answers and unsure of their future.
Zoe says everything will be ok. Zach quotes some fucking writer he can't remember. And Chris' solution is going to a strip club.
"No way man. I'm not going to a strip club with you."
"Karl, my man, but it's Wet Wednesday."
Anton pops up as if being on queue. "We're going to Wet Wednesday?"
Chris holds up both hands and Anton high fives them. "Sweet."
They take a cab to the club, because none of them is going to be able to pull off driving on the way back. Chris has to give the bouncer $200 so they'll let Anton in. Anton says he'll repay in the form or liquor and lap dances.
"Come on old man, you need to let go of the past and look forward to the future." Anton says as they make their way in.
Chris quickly makes his way close to the stage and starts ordering drinks and stuffing bills inside a blonde's panties, Zach laughing hysterically. Karl, on the other hand, finds a booth far enough for his liking and slides into it.
"I was thinking, you're a pretty lucky old man. You have your dream role, a huge McMansion, not to shabby looks; there's no reason for Natalie not to take you back."
A girl wearing hot pink pasties walks to them and asks if they need anything to drink. "Luck has nothing to do with anything."
"Two Heinekens and Cherry Bombs." Anton tells the girl.
Chris, believe it or not, gets tired of stuffing bills down girl's panties. Or at least, he gets tires of doing it alone, so he comes back to the booth. "Karl, Karl, are you having fun or what?"
He raises the glass and purses his lips. "Barely."
"Oh please, there's a girl with a pink wig who wanted to give me a lap dance, but I suggested she come to you, because this is your night."
"Besides," Zach interrupts by wrapping his arms around Chris from behind. "He's with me today."
"Oh yeah, there's that. Completely forgot I'm being gay for you tonight."
Zach pretends to be offended. "Yes, only for me." He pretends to kiss Chris on the cheek.
"Well, for you and for Bana." Chris corrects him. "And maybe Bruce, and Cho."
They drink another round of beer and Sapphire, (which isn't her real name, nor is it her stripper name) comes over to dance for Karl. He feels very prudish, and stiff as a stick, but Sapphire is nice to look at. She is certainly the hottest stripper around, with her deep blue eyes and her purple petite panties. She has small tits, but they're really nice ones, and her skin looks like it feels like silk.
He stuffs what ends up being $ 257, because he is hypnotized by the way she moves her body. "I think I love you." He tells her.
"Thank you." She says as the song ends and she moves on to a booth behind theirs.
Karl looks back and can't help feeling a little jealousy. "I feel used."
"That's what strippers do old man. They make you feel special for a couple of minutes, or in your case 15, and then they move on."
He's blacking out in the cab ride home. And there is so much irony on the fact that Anton is sitting on his lap, patting his cheeks and telling him don't go dead beat on me old man.
six.
The end of filming party, or 'end of the world party' as Anton calls it, comes sooner than anyone ever expected. One day you filming fight scenes and getting your ass handed to you by stunt doubles, and then you blink and it's all gone.
JJ had the bar closed to anyone who wasn't involved on the film, which meant that they could all get shit faced without worrying about ending up on Page Six or the Post.
Anton is six kinds of drunk. "Karl! Cherry Bombs? Come on, let's go dance."
And they do Cherry Bombs, and Karl drags him to the middle of the dance floor. "I think I can feel the boom boom." He says.
It's not Eric Prydz or Moby that they're moving to this time. They're shaking their heads and singing along to Kasabian. The kind of boom boom Karl can get behind.
" Uuh! Ah ah ah aha!"
"I'll tell you I want you." Karl sings, and his face gets a little too close to Anton's. He's yelling the words to his ear but in the loudness of the club it all sounds like whispers. "I'll tell you I need youuuuu."
Chris squeezes himself in between them, two shot glasses in one hand and tequila bottle in the other. He pours gold liquid over them and they toast. When Karl objects that he feels excluded, Chris pours tequila straight into his mouth.
"I didn't mean to cock block, but Bruce is talking about money exchange rates and Zach is nowhere to be found."
But right as he says this he runs after one of the make-up girls.
Karl goes into a laughing fit and puts his hand on Anton's chest to hold himself steady. "Imagine that, imagine us."
Sooner than later the party winds down.
"I left a joint in the cabinet by your sink." Anton says while they're both at the urinal.
"Interesting. We should smoke it right now, after this."
"Do you wanna leave?"
"Yeah."
They bump their firsts without looking at each other and finish their business.
On their cab ride home, Karl does his best Bones impression and the driver seems less than amused.
"I know I left it somewhere around here." He's rummaging through the cabinet and drawers before he finds a sad white joint with little coconut drawings on it. "Aha! Here it is."
Karl is laying in bed, trying to open a pack of glow in the dark stars he bought for Hunter a while back.
He lights up the joint and lets the ribbons of smoke wrap around him. "Hey we should put those up."
"That's the idea." Karl says.
Anton presses his fingers against Karl's mouth and he inhales the fruity flavored joint.
They glue the stars to the ceiling by standing on top of the bed. The glue is so cheap that some of them start falling seconds after. The lights get turned off 10 minutes after and then they lie in bed and look up at the fake sky they've made for themselves.
Karl passes the joint to Anton. "What am I going to do without you old man? Whose going to teach me the ways of things?" He inhales and coughs up the smoke.
"You don't need me to figure things out, you have your shit all figured out." He takes the joint from Anton.
"Yeah, I guess I do."
They keep the same rhythm of passing the weed back and forth until it's all gone.
He gets up to throw the little piece that's left and when he comes back he throws himself over Karl and pins him down. They're wrestling like they do in the pool. His face literally inches away from Karl's.
"What we are about to do, is very wrong." Karl says as he lunges himself and with a twist he's on top of Anton.
"Oh yeah, and what is that?"
There is no answer, and he doesn't remember who makes the first move, but clothes get lost really quickly.
And so this is how it's going to end, with Karl on top of him and glow in the dark stars falling over his back.
"Karl-- just-- slow. I've never--" And Karl slows down, maybe a little too much. That fucker.
He's fisting the sheets beneath him and he can't take it anymore. "Are you-- FUCK!"
It hurts, but not that badly. Only a little bit of sharp pain at the start, not horrible but not exactly pleasant. He's twisting and moaning and Karl is touching him in all sort of inappropriate ways. He's digging his fingers so hard, that it's going to leave a mark.
When he comes, Anton swears he sees fireworks. Maybe it's just the way his head is spinning and the stars are glowing.
"Dude, my back. It's burning."
Karl ruffles his hair. "Yeah, I know. My bad."
"Don't worry I'm gonna get you back."
And they drift into a sleep.
When he wakes up the next morning Karl is still ruffling his hair. "I'm starving." He says.
"Don't expect breakfast in bed or some shit like that. I actually have to leave," He quickly glances at the clock before getting up. "band practice."
Karl doesn't say anything back. They don't talk about it because both of them refuse to let things get awkward.
"What time is your flight?" He looks at the ticket placed on the night stand.
"Not for hours, I think I have the red-eye."
"Good choice, old people like you probably only travel by night." He says with a smile.
"Asshole."
"Ratbag."
"Scum."
"Sheep fucker."
Karl doesn't reply and his mouth is left open.
Moments later, Anton starts laughing and so does Karl.
"I told you I was going to get you back."
epilogue
From: sheep fckr
Happy Birthday. Hope you're puking your brains out.
March 11, 9:10 pm
From: BOOM BOOM
ur not here to hold my head
March 12, 4:15 pm
From: BOOM BOOM
happy late bday.
sheep fucker ;)
June 10, 9:27 pm
They see each other again at the Moscow premiere. And if all the moments they've had only exist in their minds, at least this one is being documented by the whole world.
Flashes are being thrown at them and all they can do is smile.
"I never asked, how's Natalie and Hunter?"
"Great, we're doing great."
"Told ya, everything was going to work out."
"Yeah, I know."
"Hey, do you want to get drunk with us tonight?"
"I'll get back to you on that."
"Ok, just don't go dead beat on me, old man.