Comments | brutal_critters: Edited

rain_in_spade in brutal_critters

Edited

May 03, 2008 18:02

I drive through traffic in a grey sky ( Read more... )

Comments 4

idunna May 3 2008, 14:24:32 UTC

Watch out for getting wordy. You could cut a lot of words and get a better musicality. Just glancing through really quickly I would cut, "I drive," "wastepaper, "Lately," "keep," one of the "I know"s, "like," "and now is the," "This," and "and." Cutting words will make the piece tighter and more musical.

I don't like the word "adventure" in this poem. The rest of the piece is very cold and serious, and that word just jumps out in the wrong way.

"feels so wasted, and alone." - that feels like it's been done so many times before. Come up with a more original ending.

songtocecilia May 3 2008, 22:21:07 UTC

Heh--sorry, I was the one who suggested he/she make it longer before.

dreadpirateandi May 3 2008, 15:15:32 UTC

Well, this is longer, but it's not much better. Your language is still weak and frankly uninteresting for the most part, and your imagery is largely predictable. Gee, you're driving along a boring road...to symbolize living through a boring stretch of time? Couldn't have seen that one coming. I want the poem to show me something new, take me someplace I haven't been before, and it's just not doing it.

Also:

I know,
I know, like the taut strings of an optimistic violin
anticipate the symphony.

...you know what? And why do you know it so intensely that you've got to say that part twice? And why does it matter?

Oh, and please don't use "hum-drum" in a poem. It's icky.

kd_bug May 3 2008, 19:41:29 UTC

Ok, I think I get more what it's supposed to be about now. It seems to me that you're trying to convey the tense/bored contrast of waiting for something, and I get how that feels, but I don't think it quite works here. You've got garbled emotions and hashed metaphors instead of the humming tedidium you're going for. I'd suggest cutting down on the "I"s and focus more on the subject matter itself. Also, "optimistic" sort of throws off the "hum-drum" feel you're going for. Oh, and in the second line, you've got "paper in my wastepaper bin"; you repeat "paper". I'd suggest editing that somehow to make "paper" appear once.