And..... Life Goes On - pt 2
Luke got the news at just after 11 am. He and Reid were lying in bed pretending to make an effort to get up and get ready to head into their respective places of employment. At the moment his phone rang Reid had his lips slowly working their way from one side of his neck to the other, sucking and nibbling at his leisure. As Luke made a move to reach for his cell Reid grabbed a hold of his hand demanding “just ignore it.”
Luke wiggled away reluctantly “can’t” he replied. When he saw the number of the caller on the display he almost changed his mind. “It’s my mom” he informed Reid. And that promptly killed the mood. “Good morning mom.”
“Luke, honey, we need you to come home.”
Luke sighed. “Mom, I am home. My place is here in Dallas now….with Reid.” At the mention of his name Reid frowned with the realization of how the conversation must have started on the other end. He worked his way behind Luke’s back and pulled him so he was leaning against Reid’s bare chest. Luke sunk back happily, appreciating the comfort the closeness brought him. He really didn’t want to have this kind of conversation with her especially when he was about to be doing something far more enjoyable with his boyfriend. He’d only spoken with her twice since Christmas. Her declaration at the airport of trying to get behind his relationship with Reid seemed little more than a show since then. The two times she had called had been to talk about Oakdale and all the things he was missing with his siblings. She hadn’t asked how things were with him and Reid, how the new Grimaldi office was, hadn’t expressed any interest in visiting them, and had basically acted like he was just on some sort of extended vacation he would eventually come home from.
“That’s not what I meant son. I just meant your family and friends need you in Oakdale right now.”
He heard the slight rise of distress in her voice and he hoped it wasn’t a ploy to suck him into another family drama. “What’s going on mom?”
“Chris Hughes passed away this morning.”
Luke’s body went rigid and he sat up breaking the contact he had with Reid. “What? What happened?” Reid peered around toward Luke mouthing ‘what’ to see what was going on. Luke quickly covered the phone with his hand and replied “Chris Hughes is dead” to which Reid just shrugged his shoulder and climbed off the bed and wandered off to the bathroom and turned on the shower knowing whatever chance they had of sex was now gone. Luke returned his attention to his mom who had been talking. “Sorry mom, say that again.”
“His heart just finally gave out before they could transplant another. As I’m sure you can imagine the Hughes family is devastated. I don’t know yet when the funeral is going to be but we need you here, now honey.”
Luke did his best to squelch the guilt he felt about that fateful final conversation he’d had with Chris at his old Grimaldi office. He wasn’t being very successful. “Listen mom, I’ll call and talk to Casey this afternoon. Just keep me posted when you have more information and I’ll make arrangements then ok. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll talk to you soon.” After disconnecting he fought the tears that threatened to fall and stripped off his underwear to join Reid in the shower. Once he stepped in and Reid smiled at him, Luke knew he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Can I” he asked, pleading with his eyes for Reid to understand what he needed.
“Come here” Reid replied, opening up his arms. Luke leaned heavily against him, resting his head against Reid’s shoulder allowing a single tear to finally trickle down his cheek.
Reid didn’t understand the sadness his boyfriend could feel for a guy who had been nothing but an ass to him but he comforted Luke in the best way he knew how. He brushed kisses into Luke’s hair and whispered “don’t you dare feel guilty or responsible for what happened, Luke. I mean it. You did everything right. He doesn’t deserve your tears.”
“Reid….I just”
With resignation he added “Yeah, I know.” They stayed clung together like that until the water started to cool. Finally, reluctantly, they washed up and turned the water off to towel dry. Only then did Luke once again speak. “I told my mom to call back when she had details about the service so we could fly back to Oakdale.”
Reid looked over after hearing the ‘we’ in that sentence. “I have no intention of going to Oakdale Luke. If you want to torture yourself then go ahead but you’ll be doing it alone.”
That pissed Luke off. “Seriously?” he said with his hands on his hips.
“Yes seriously. I’m not going. I don’t think you should either but I’m not going to stop you.”
“Jesus Reid, do you have no compassion at all? Bob and Kim lost their son.”
“And it should matter to me why?”
Luke shook his head, disgusted with that response. “You know, just forget it” he said turning and walking back into their bedroom.
Reid followed closely behind “no Luke, answer me. Why should it matter to me?”
Luke turned back to face him and spat out “because it matters to me, that’s why. But I shouldn’t have to explain it to you, you should just know that. But whatever, just do what you want, you always do anyway. I’m going….by myself obviously……so just….. whatever.”
Reid tried to walk over to Luke and come up with a way to diffuse, in his opinion, Luke’s completely irrational reaction. “Luke…”
“Just leave me alone Reid, seriously.” Luke walked to the dresser and yanked out a pair of jeans and polo shirt. He walked past Reid without a second glance and slammed the door to the bathroom behind him. Reid was at a loss. He just didn’t get where he was at fault here. He barely knew Chris Hughes and what he did know he didn’t like. He’d had even less interactions with the guy’s parents. He understood the pain they would be going through but couldn’t manage to feel any of it himself. As far as Luke needing him hadn’t he just stood in the shower for twenty minutes getting shriveled prune fingers just to comfort him? Did that count for nothing? How much more comfort was he required to give for a guy neither of them even liked? If Luke wanted to be overly dramatic then he’d have to do it without an audience because Reid wasn’t sticking around to be his verbal punching bag. He dressed and didn’t even bother to tell Luke he was leaving before he headed downstairs.
-----
Ten minutes later Luke opened the bathroom door to find he was alone. He wasn’t sure if the relief he felt made it worse. He grabbed his phone and dialed Casey.
“Hey man” Casey said in the form of his greeting.
“Casey” Luke started sympathetically. “Sorry about Chris.”
“Yeah, me too Luke, but it is what it is….nobody to blame but himself really. I just feel bad for granddad and my grandma you know? Are you going to fly back to Oakdale for the service, whatever they do?”
Luke was surprised a little by Casey’s rather philosophical response to Chris’ passing. “Yeah Case, I’ll fly back and stay as long as you need me around. I want to help in any way I can.”
As Casey was about to respond, he had an incoming call from his folks. “Listen Luke, I gotta go, my folks are on the other line.”
“Ok, don’t worry. My mom is going to fill me in with the details as soon as she knows them. And Casey, I’m sorry again.”
“Thanks Luke, bye.”
Luke decided to head into the office to finish tying up the loose ends he’d left at 4am. He warily went down, not yet ready to face Reid and deal with their disagreement. As it turned out it didn’t matter because Reid was gone and had left behind a short and simple three word note……..Gone to hospital.
----
Reid was hiding out in his office. Clearly he wasn’t doing it well because Sue found him within a half hour of his arrival.
“I figured you’d still be home celebrating your latest success with Luke. You’re not on for another hour. What you doing here early?”
He’d given up weeks ago tying to not answer her nosey questions. “Had a fight with Luke, that’s what I’m doing here.”
“What about?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. A guy we know, and don’t even like, died and he got all emotional about it. Hell if I know how to deal with him when he gets like that.”
“What did you say to him?” Sue asked it a tone that, to Reid, sounded awfully accusatory.
Reid glared at her. “Why do you automatically jump to the conclusion that I said something wrong?”
“Because I know you” she replied only half in jest.
“Yeah well screw you, this is not my fault” he replied angrily. Reid sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. Losing some of his luster he softened his tone. “He feels guilty when he shouldn’t and I’m not going to stand around and watch him beat himself up. If that’s wrong, than ok, I guess it was my fault.”
Sue contemplated what he said and wanted to help if she could. “Do you want me to talk to him?”
While Reid actually appreciated the gesture he shook his head no. “I think this is one he needs to figure out on his own.”
-----
Luke got the details from his mom late that afternoon and got off the phone with her as quickly as he could. He made arrangement to fly to Oakdale in the morning to attend the wake and then the funeral the following day. He hadn’t decided how long he would stay, he figured, for as long as he felt needed.
He was still angry Reid wouldn’t go with him but he knew most of the anger stemmed from his own guilt of not being able to keep his cool and stop from attacking Chris about what an idiot he’d been at Thanksgiving. Maybe if he’d been nicer he could have gotten through to him….maybe Chris wouldn’t have run away…..maybe his family could have found him a heart. Guilt was an all consuming emotion. Once it took hold it left room for little else and in this case the tiny bit remaining had been filled nicely with anger at his boyfriend.
Luke walked through the door of his and Reid’s place trying to prep against the cold shoulder he was expecting. He quickly realized it would be even colder than he feared. So cold in fact that Reid hadn’t bothered to come home at all. Everything was just as Luke had left it at lunchtime. Reid clearly hadn’t been back. Luke checked for a message. There wasn’t one. Fine he thought stubbornly, two can play that game. He doesn’t want to be around me, I don’t want him around. Luke tried to eat to pass the time but found he had no appetite. He picked up the book he’d been reading but after having to start the same page over four times he gave that up. As dusk turned to darkness outside he became even more restless. Where is Reid? Why hasn’t he called? Is he even coming home?
All the questions floating around in his head led to doubt. Doubt led to fear. Fear led to the urge to drink. He knew there was beer in the house. There had been every day since he’d moved in. This was the first day he wished there wasn’t. He walked over and pulled one out of the fridge, letting the bottle roll back and forth in his hand.
I gotta get out of here. Luke ran upstairs and packed a bag, called his pilot and told him there’d been a change in plans….They were leaving as quickly as he could be ready to go. Luke stopped briefly by the door and looked at the note Reid had left him less than eight hours ago. ‘Gone to hospital’…… and Luke left an equally informative reply directly underneath….. Gone to Oakdale.
-----
Reid finally made his way home around eleven. He sincerely hoped Luke was asleep because he was too damn tired to deal with any more drama without at least ten solid hours of sleep. The fact that the lights were out he figured was a good sign. But, for the second night in a row he discovered that Luke wasn’t asleep in their bed where he should be. Reid retraced his steps feeling the odd sense of déjà vu. However, this time he saw his note, and more importantly Luke’s passive aggressive reply. “Well shit” was all he could say, shaking his head. His head hurt, his body ached, and he was hip deep in drama he didn’t give a shit about. “Now what Oliver” he muttered to himself before re-climbing the stairs and flopping down on their bed, knowing he was in for a long night and that ten hours of sleep he was longing for could prove to be very illusive.
-----
Holden never commented on Luke’s early arrival even though he certainly noticed it. He figured if Luke needed to talk, he would. For his part Luke was just thankful that his dad had agreed to let him stay at the farm. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the questions he was sure his mother would have.
Lily and Lucinda met them at the farm just after lunch the next day, to in her words, ‘present a united front of support’ for the Hughes’. Of course she tried not to show her relief that Reid wouldn’t be a part of that united front. She was unsuccessful and Luke called her on it. “If this is you trying mom we’re going to end up right back where we were most of last year.”
Lily pouted a bit “but I didn’t even say anything. If you are going to accuse me of anything then I may as well say that if you were as important to him as he claimed you were he would be there for you when you need him.”
Hearing his own words repeated back to him actually made Luke feel pretty foolish. He wondered if it had sounded as childish coming from his mouth as it had from hers. Probably….. Nice going Luke….
Lucinda could tell Luke needed rescuing and she was happy to provide it. “Lily dear, I must steal your eldest child away now…..business to discuss and such….I’m sure you understand” and didn’t give her a chance to answer or disagree. After getting him alone she shook his hands “Luke my darling, you look downright miserable. Is your mother making trouble again?”
Luke smiled “What to respond to first? Hmmm well, mother is always trying to make trouble, but I can handle her, and I look miserable because I’m about to go to a wake.”
“Psshhh” Lucinda waved that off. You know I hate to speak ill of the dead but really, Chris Hughes was an idiot when it came to his health. He’s dead because he was stupid and irresponsible. And, I don’t believe that’s the real reason anyway, so out with it.”
“Fine, I had a fight with Reid about coming to Oakdale. He thinks I’m only here because I feel guilty and that I’m being an idiot.”
“Do you want my opinion?”
“No, but I’m sure you’re going to give it to me anyway grandmother.”
“Such a smart mouth on you, I don’t know where you get it” she chided him. Luke just looked at her like he knew full well where he learned it and so did she. “I think the good doctor is right on this one” and she kissed him on the cheek before sauntering off to gather everyone to leave.
Luke thought about what she’d said. He wasn’t proud of the amount of time he’d spent checking his phone throughout the morning and early afternoon to see if Reid would reach out. What he didn’t know was that Reid was doing the same thing. Luke almost texted him twice but stopped himself. He wasn’t being stubborn. The truth was Luke started to feel ashamed for running away. He didn’t want to tell Reid he’d wanted a drink. He was afraid of how Reid would react.
Reid of course not knowing any of that just figured Luke was still being bitchy and pouty and shaming himself into feeling bad that he had stood up for himself and for defending Reid. That was the part that kept tripping Reid up. He wanted more than anything for Luke to be proud of how he’d gone off on Chris. Reid was proud. He also felt honored that Luke loved him enough to have shown his Grimaldi side in the doctor’s defense.
That was what Reid wanted to convey more than anything. Not that he thought Luke was wrong, not that he wanted Luke to change and not that he would try to change in that way for Luke. He just wanted to make sure Luke knew he was loved……unconditionally. After Reid sent the text he turned his phone off not wanting the agony of wondering if his boyfriend had read it and what his reaction to it would be. What mattered was that he’d said what he needed to. The rest was up to Luke.
Just as he, Holden, Lily and Lucinda were ready to leave the farm a text vibration almost made Luke drop his cell like a hot potato. “Looks like the text you were waiting for has finally arrived” Holden said rather sage-like.
Luke blushed “yeah, I’m just going to….”
“Take your time son. We’ll be waiting in the car.”
Luke smiled at his dad and nodded before hitting the button to open the message.
Luke, I will always be here for you. It may not always be in the way you want, but what matters is that I’m not going anywhere, ever. I love you. Just always remember that. You are the only man I have ever said that to. I hope that means something to you. I know it means everything to me. Reid
-----
As soon as they arrived at the wake Luke spotted Casey who hurried over to him. “Dude, it’s great to see you” he declared, engulfing him in a hug.
“You too Casey, sorry it’s under these circumstances though.”
Casey waved it off “you always cared way too much about everyone else for your own good. I know you tried to help Chris. He should have listened to you Luke.”
“Really, this isn’t about me, I just feel really bad for Bob and Kim.”
Casey looked at him skeptically. “Yeah, of course I feel terrible for granddad and grandma, but if Chris’ idiocy should teach us anything it’s that life is short right? Live it happy and in love man. And from the emails we’ve been trading it sounds like your doctor guy is making you happier than you’ve ever been. Listen, I’m sorry I haven’t said it before now but I wish I hadn’t tried to force you back with Noah all those months ago.”
“Casey” Luke tried to wave his apology off.
Casey was not to be deterred. He needed to get this out for both his sake and Luke’s. “What the hell did we know? I mean look at you, you snagged a rich successful neurosurgeon. How cool are you.”
After all the great things Casey was saying Luke just blurted out what had been bothering him all day. “I almost took a drink last night.”
“What? Dude why? What the hell?”
Luke couldn’t help but chuckle. “Because Case” he answered, “I’m an idiot. Well, an alcoholic idiot.”
Casey scrunched his eyebrows and pursed his lips together “is that all I’m gonna get?”
“Yeah, it is.” Luke gave him a hug and stepped back. “You and Alison really have to come out to Dallas and visit me and Reid. I miss you guys.”
“Me too dude but why does it sound like your saying goodbye?”
“Because I am.”
“Do I need to worry about you?”
“No Casey, I’m good I promise.”
“No drinking?”
“No drinking.”
“And where are you going?”
“Home…….”
Luke didn’t even bother to tell any of his family he was leaving. He found Bob and Kim who were huddled together looking older than Luke had ever seen them. “I’m very sorry for your loss” he said sincerely.
Bob shook his hand. “Thank you for coming Luke, and thank you for trying to help Christopher. I just wish…”
“Yeah, me too Bob, me too.”
-----
Luke was pulling back up to his and Reid’s place in Dallas just before ten. What an exhausting 36 hours. He dropped his bag by the front door when he saw Reid standing in the kitchen, leaning over the sink eating a sandwich and polishing off a beer.
“I got your text.” To which Reid had no response for. “I wanted to reply but…..”
“Doesn’t matter, I turned my phone off so I wouldn’t have seen it anyway.”
“Why?”
“Got sick of being the needy guy who was constantly looking at his phone” which made Luke laugh. “You think that’s funny?” Reid asked with just a bit of edge to his voice.
Luke held his hand up “no. I laughed because I was doing exactly the same thing.”
That allowed the tension Reid was holding to leave his body on a sigh. “Quick trip, wasn’t expecting you to come back so soon.”
“I paid my respects and figured out pretty quickly there was somewhere more important to be.”
“And where’s that?”
“Here with the man that I love.”
“Luke…I”
“I need to tell you something Reid. First, I’m sorry. The guilt hit me hard and I took it out on you.”
Reid smirked at that “I could have told you that.”
“But there’s something you don’t know and I don’t really want to tell you. I’m afraid to actually.”
“Luke, you can tell me anything. You have to know that by now.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Luke, just tell me.”
“I almost took a drink last night. It’s why I left so abruptly.”
Reid was on him instantly, embracing him and muttering to himself. “God I’m such an insensitive ass. I’ll get rid of the beer Luke, I promise, I dump it all right now.”
Luke leaned his forehead on Reid’s so they could see each other. “No, it’s ok. I didn’t drink. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I was never going to drink again. I’m just sorry I’ve let you down.”
“Let me down? Luke, you did what you needed for yourself to get away from a situation that made you want to break your sobriety. Even if that situation was me I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help you. I was staying away because I thought that’s what you wanted.”
Luke shook his head “we’re quite the pair aren’t we?”
Reid smiled back “I think so.”
“So are we ok?”
“Are you ok?” Luke nodded yes “then we’re ok.”
“I love you Reid.”
“Right back at you Luke.”
“Bed?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”