gravity (2/2)
Title: Gravity
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Rating: PG. If you don't like strong language, be slightly wary.
Summary: "Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long."-Gravity--Sara Bareilles
This follows Brittana through the ages from Brittany's perspective. You don't really have to have read the first one, but they sort of fit together with certain things. Still, one can hold its own just fine, and there's not really any new plot.
Spoilers: I'm going to say up to Sectionals just to be safe.
Most people think Santana is the one in control of the dynamic duo, but, boy, are they wrong. Even from the beginning, Brittany knew that inside, Santana was really just a big, fluffy teddy bear and all Brittany ever really wanted to do was hug her and never let her go.
The first day they met, Brittany was a bit worried about fitting in, but even at a young age, Brittany was bright and friendly and people were just drawn to her like moths to a flame. Brittany never really understood why that was, but it brought her Santana, so she never really minded much. That first day, though, she was drawn to Santana. Santana always said "back when I was fat", but Brittany had never seen Santana as fat. Fat was an ugly adjective for ugly people, and Santana simply was never ugly. She hadn't been particularly skinny back then like she was now, but she wasn't fat. Brittany had scraped her knees when Puck, who still was Noah back then, pushed her to the ground. But Brittany just smiled and Santana took care of Puck. And, for a while, the two girls were inseparable. That was pretty much the way she wanted it. So, Santana would come over all the time and they'd eat ice cream and laugh as vanilla dribbled down their chins and they'd hold their sticky hands together and Brittany knew that in those moments, they were infinite.
When Brittany was seven, her father read her a book about this prince who got turned into a monster because he was mean once and all he wanted was someone to love him. And after that book, Brittany started seeing Santana as The Beast. It wasn't that Santana was ugly or a monster, but more and more she started being mean to people when, really, it was so obvious to Brittany that all she really wanted was someone who loved her and someone who didn't yell at her about stupid things and someone who hugged her when she was feeling bad. And so Brittany tried to be that someone because Santana was her friend and because, even then, when Santana looked at Brittany, her eyes lit up and she smiled instead of scowled and Brittany knew that she was Santana's Belle and it was her job to make Santana a prince again.
Most people think of Brittany as an idiot. That's only half true. She isn't much of a book reader, but she's a people reader. She has a sort of fifth sixth sense about that sort of thing. But love confused her. It always felt so, well, arbitrary. Girls seemed to love everything. They loved dogs and bands and colors and songs and boys and haircuts and t-shirts and Brittany could not figure out for the life of her what made people think it was so special. Everyone loved everything and Brittany wasn't really having much of it. She played along, though. She smiled a big smile and said she loved that song and loved that skirt and she really had no idea what it really meant. And even though she couldn't really put her finger on what it really was, the only way Brittany knew what real love was was through Santana's eyes. And Santana would look at her like she was golden and she would smile and Brittany knew it was love. And more than anything, Brittany wanted to love Santana. And so she did.
In the fourth grade, Rachel Berry moved in two blocks away from Santana. The boys in their class teased her and called her a "dyke" and said her dads were gross and they called them "fags" and they made her cry. When Brittany asked Santana, Santana said they were bad words for bad people and that it meant Rachel had two dads and they were all going to hell. When she asked why, Santana rolled her eyes like it was common knowledge.
"Boys can't love boys and girls can't love girls. Boys love girls and girls love boys. That's just the way it is." And Brittany wanted to point out that Santana loved Brittany and they were both girls, but she looked at Santana's stony face and let it go. And when the boys got angrier Brittany got scared. Santana thought she was unreadable, and maybe it was just Brittany, but Brittany felt it was pretty obvious that Santana was in love and Brittany worried Santana would get hurt. So Brittany tried to play dumb and acted like they would always just be friends when she knew once they got older, it would be impossible because the more Santana smiled at her, the harder it was to not hold her and be in love with her.
Another secret most people didn't know that Brittany, nice, sweet, dumb Brittany, was a jealous person. A constantly jealous person. When they were younger, the two girls were essentially outcasts and people left them alone, but as they got older they were suddenly considered pretty and boys and girls wanted to be their friends and Brittany was, quite frankly, jealous and quite possessive. So, yes, it was hard when Santana got her first boyfriend. Eric something. Mandible or something. And she didn't want to yell because she had promised herself to not yell at Santana and she wanted to cry but she didn't want to let her know that she was in love because she was still so scared and she knew Eric was just some floozy of a boy who would just hurt her. And everything came out as just,
"oh." because anything more would have broken Brittany. And Santana said nothing would change and Brittany knew nothing had changed. They were still two girls in denial of this love that was bubbling between them. So, she said,
"oh." And that was that. And soon after, Eric was gone and Santana was back at her house eating vanilla ice cream and watching the sun set in her backyard. And Santana smiled at her and Brittany knew. This was what everyone wanted. This was love.
There were lots of boys after Eric. And week after week Brittany would pout and Santana would leave them behind no matter how cute and nice they were. And Brittany wanted so badly for Santana to grow up and be with her instead because she knew that's what they both wanted, but Santana didn't get it and, in truth, Brittany was still scared. But then Santana started going out with Brian Trapper and she stopped spending Fridays at Brittany's house watching television and eating ice cream sundaes and started going out to movies and started kissing him. And it made Brittany angry. It made her furious. It made her angrier than she'd ever been in her entire life and she'd throw tantrums and howl and scream and her parents shook their heads because they had figured that some day the girls would grow apart and thirteen year-old Brittany was reduced to three year-old Brittany. But Santana was happy. And Santana smiled at him. And Brittany tried not to sulk but Santana's smiles were for her. And she was jealous. And then Jared Mitchell started trying to eat lunch with them and started trying to carry Brittany's books and smiled a goofy smile at her and told her she was pretty. So she played along and batted her eyelashes and watched as Santana squirmed every time she laughed at a stupid joke. But Santana didn't stop seeing Brian so Britttany told Jared that they were going to "go out" and he was going to be her boyfriend. And he smiled because he was just another boy who thought she would be dumb enough to be a teenage slut when, really, she wasn't. And one day Santana showed up by Brittany's locker.
"No," she had said, crossing her arms. Brittany chewed her lip and shrugged it off.
"No, what?" Brittany replied, widening her eyes.
"No. You're not dating that idiot." Santana growled. Her hands started forming fists and Brittany tried not to smile. She wanted to tell Santana that she was really cute when she was being jealous and protective, but she didn't.
"But I am," Brittany said instead and fidgetted with her locker door.
"No. You aren't." Santana stated. Brittany bit back a giggle. And you think you're straight? And I'm the dumb one? Pfft.
"Yes, I am," Brittany answered, pretending not to understand Santana's intentions. Santana frowned.
"No, B. I mean, you shouldn't. You should stop. Just... don't do it." She said through clenched teeth. Brittany chewed her lip.
"No, S. I really like him and he really likes me," Brittany replied and tucked her hair behind her ear. "You can't tell me who to date." She chewed her lip and watched as Santana twitched. It served her right, anyways.
"Besides," she added carefully and spitefully, "you have Brian, so what do you care?" Santana's hands curled into a tight fist.
"Screw you," Santana spat. Brittany's jaw set.
"I bet you wish you could," Brittany replied simply. And suddenly, Brittany felt her face explode. And when she realized what had happened, Santana was looking at her, eyes wide, watching tears and blood pour out of Brittany. And Santana could say nothing. For a long time, they did not speak. It scared her to her core. Brittany had misjudged. She figured that Santana had restraint, but she didn't. She was still as angry as she had been when they first met. She was still The Beast. But, more important, she was still in love. And that comforted Brittany, though it didn't make her eye any less blackened. And Jared tried to hold Brittany and tell her it was going to be okay, but it wasn't because Santana left Brian, but still hadn't come back to Brittany. So Brittany dumped Jared quietly and Jared said nothing and Jared went to a high school party and tried to hook up with some other girl and, really, Brittany didn't care. But she cried because she hated hurting people and she knew Jared went to that party because he was hurt because he thought he'd been nice and he still got broken. And Brittany saw him and saw the hurt in his eyes when he looked at her even though he was trying to act triumphant and he tried to touch her and she cried because he was hurt and she was hurt and Santana had been hurt and everyone was hurt and no one was happy and she just cried. And Santana saw her and saw him and took action because she wanted to be the valiant prince when all she really was was The Beast. And so Jared got hurt. And Brittany looked at Santana and tried to smile. And so Santana came to her house Friday night and they ate ice cream sundaes and watched movies until they fell asleep on the couch their lips covered in chocolate syrup. And Brittany looked at Santana and smiled. And Santana's breath was soft and Brittany leaned over and kissed her forehead and almost wished Santana was awake so she would know that Brittany loved her, too. But Santana was asleep. But there was peace, so it had to be okay for now.
Then, there was freshman year, and suddenly Santana and Brittany became Santana, Brittany, and Quinn. And Quinn had always known. This, Brittany was sure of. She took one look at the two girls and she could see it written all over their faces. So when one day Brittany found herself crying, tears dribbling down her face, Quinn sat her down. And when Brittany finally told the truth, Quinn had not been surprised. The truth was, earlier that day, Mike Chang had asked her to the homecoming dance. And, truth be told, she didn't want to go with him. And, truth be told, she knew it was extremely wishful thinking, but she was still holding out for Santana to ask her, even if it was the "want-to-go-just-as-friends-because-no-one-asked-us" speech. And Quinn wiped away her tears and simply answered, "Whatever you decide, keep in mind that Mike is a really nice guy and Santana will never be brave enough to ask." And so Brittany said yes and Mike smiled a smile that you'd want to bottle up and keep forever so Brittany smiled and tried to want to be with him. And when it was homecoming night Santana looked at Brittany and her eyes lit up like the Northern lights and Brittany almost said everything, but then Puck and Mike knocked on the door and they left and Santana didn't look at her or at Mike. And Mike was almost as good of a dancer as Brittany was so at the dance people stared and they were bustled into the crowd and when Brittany stopped to get a drink of water, she realized she didn't know where Santana was. But Mike smiled and said he was sure she was fine and he looked like he was in love with her and Brittany realized that Quinn was right- Mike was nice and Santana was scared. So she asked Mike to take her home because she was scared she would hurt him. And he did. And he smiled. And he kissed her good night and Brittany went upstairs and cried herself to sleep. And when she woke up, she biked her way to the Lopez residence to try to find Santana. And Santana looked at her and grumbled.
"The dance was lame, so we left."
But Santana was a horrible, horrible liar, even though Brittany always let her believe that she was good partially because Brittany was afraid if Santana ever figured out she was easy to read, she might become hard to read. So Brittany accepted this lie and went home. By the time she got home, Mike was waiting there. He'd brought some soup because he thought she wasn't feeling well. He smiled at her that big, puppy dog smile and she nearly cried because she knew he loved her and she didn't think she had enough love to give him some. But she tried. She tried with everything she could to make it work. Mike was patient and waited and waited for her to come around, but she simply didn't know how. She kissed him and held his hand and smiled at him, but she wasn't in love with him. And every touch made her long for Santana, but when she closed her eyes and imagined the tan girl in her arms, the fear took her over and shook her to her core. She thought of loving Santana and could practically feel an ice cold slushie smashing its way into her face and Santana running away and people being mad again and she stopped. Mike was good to her. Mike was so, so good to her. But it would never be enough, and it broke her heart sometimes.
Glee started as an escape. In Glee, Brittany could be with Santana and Santana with Brittany and it didn't matter, but then Mike joined and she couldn't be with Santana while he was there. And he'd smile and hold her hand and he'd be so happy it was impossible for Brittany to break his heart, but then one night she got a text from Santana with the address to some stupid college party and Brittany could tell that it wasn't good. And she got to the party and Santana reeked of tequila and Santana wrapped herself around Brittany and started kissing her and Brittany could barely help herself and almost let Santana keep going, but she reminded herself that people could see them and that Santana was drunk and it wasn't right, so she stopped her and Santana slurred into her ear that she was in love and she would always love Brittany and she wanted to kiss her again and she almost did, but Brittany stopped her. And then Santana threw up and Brittany took her home. And Santana fell asleep and Brittany couldn't help but cry because she was madly, madly in love.
So she decided they had to talk.
"We have to talk." Brittany said firmly.
"Sure. What's up?" Santana asked in an attempt to be coy or something.
"That party..." Brittany started. But Santana played stupid.
"Which one? There have been a lot of parties, Britt," she said. Brittany frowned because she did not really want to deal with this denial right now.
"Two weeks ago," Brittany said, "That frat party Puck took you to. The one where you got really, really drunk. The one where you kissed me." Santana looked away.
"What about it?" Santana squeaked, attempting to be mean. She sounded so, well, cute, and Brittany had to stop herself from hugging the girl. "I was really drunk. I don't even remember it." Brittany fought back a smirk because Santana was blatantly lying.
"You said you loved me. That you always loved me." Brittany stated. She reached out and nearly touched Santana's face, but she stopped herself and chewed her lip. "Was that true?"
"I was drunk," Santana answered, still refusing to look at Brittany.
"That doesn't mean you weren't telling the truth. Were you?" Brittany pressed. Santana turned and locked eyes with Brittany. Brittany could see it in Santana's eyes. She was scared. She was terrified of rejection. She still didn't want to admit she was in love even though it'd been so painfully obvious for this entire decade that they'd known each other.
"What if I was telling the truth?" Santana dared. Brittany shrugged. I know you did.
"I just want to know."
"Why?" Santana countered.
"Because I think I deserve you know if you're freaking in love with me," Brittany snapped. She had not been in the mood to deal with Santana being so catty and had actually been banking on her simply admitting to her obvious romantic feelings. She chewed her lip and settled down. "Please?" she added softly as an afterthought.
"Does Mike make you happy?" Santana suddenly asked.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Brittany replied, beginning to get irritated. Santana shrugged.
"I just want to know." Brittany pondered this and sighed.
"Yeah. He does. He's great." And Brittany watched Santana shatter in front of her and it broke Brittany's heart, but what she said was true. He did make her happy. She just hadn't added But that still doesn't make him you.
"Good because I was really just drunk. I love you, but it's not like I'm in love with you, you know? You're just my best friend. You're like my sister." And Brittany grinned because she could see Santana was a big liar and she couldn't help herself because in that statement, Santana had said "I love you".
But then Mike said it, too. And she knew he meant it. He wanted to make her happy and he wanted to love her and she couldn't help it- she broke down crying.
"What's wrong?" He asked, "Did I say the wrong thing?"
"Please," she begged, "Don't love me." He reached for her face, pushing her hair away from her face.
"Why not?" He asked softly, "You're beautiful. You're everything." And she couldn't help it. She cried and cried and cried.
"Please stop," she begged, "Please. Please." But he hugged her and promised her it would be okay.
"No." she replied, "It won't be okay."
"Why not?" he asked, trying to hold her.
"Because I don't know how to love you." she said. And he shrugged.
"You don't really know how to love, you just do it." he said.
"No," she said, "I mean I love someone else." And he shut up. And he shattered and it hurt so much because Mike was kind. Mike really did love her and it killed her.
"Oh." he said. And he stood up and left. And that was that. And for the first time in a very long time Brittany broke into her older brother's beer stash and drank and drank and when she came to, she was in Santana's bed with a shirt that was not hers. And she saw Santana asleep on the couch and so Brittany quietly left.
Brittany hadn't meant to not tell Santana, but she told Quinn and Mike told Matt and between the two of them, the whole school knew almost instantly. And when Santana hunted Brittany down, it was clear she was furious that she was the last to know, She demanded Brittany tell her what had conspired, but Brittany tried to act as though it was private. Really, she just wasn't entirely sure how to tell Santana that she could never love anyone else. But Santana wasn't having any of her bullshitting today so Brittany kissed her because she, well, she wanted to. And then she ran.
But now, now it is strange. Now, Brittany is the one that is scared. Brittany hears Santana whisper "I love you" in her ear before they fall asleep and she knows Santana means it so deeply that it scares her. And Brittany knows it is real. And Brittany is scared shitless sometimes that even though she loves Santana, it will somehow not be enough to carry them. She worries that she is somehow keeping Santana from being everything she could- should- be. So she whispers "I love you" in the dark and tells Santana that "it's not like sex is dating, right?" even though they both know they're more in love with each other than is probably appropriate. And she hopes that when Santana moves on to bigger, better, brighter things, this time here in Lima with Brittany won't have scarred her too much. And some nights she cries because truth be told, Brittany is really too selfish to let Santana go because despite everything she tells herself, she needs her, and knowing that all of this is because of her greed, well, it kills her.