Harry Potter (Remus/Tonks) Crack!Fic: Helping Hands
Earlier today, the author of an amazing Star Wars comic series posted in a message board I frequent. He essentially wrote a hilarious crack!fic set in the Jedi afterlife that takes place during his latest comic. In the comic, a Force ghost visits a Jedi (like Obi-Wan visiting Luke in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) and in the brief crack!fic, he wrote the discussion that took place between all the dead Jedi before and after the visitation. This led me to ponder way too many things (two being way too many in this case).
First, is it legitimate to write fan fiction based on your own pro fiction? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
Second, and more frighteningly, could I do something similar with a magical afterlife and spirits interfering in the whole Remus/Tonks thing? The insane results, written largely while watching the premier of Studio 60, follow. I apologize in advance for any brain cells lost while reading this. It's just ridiculous.
Title: Helping Hands
Rating: All Audiences
Characters: Remus Lupin, Tonks (sort of), Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Potter
Setting: The night of the battle at Hogwarts in HBP
Format: Crack!Fic/script (~2,000 words).
Summary: Sirius (pouting): That hurts, Remus. We come all the way from the Great Beyond just to chat with our old mate and you insult us.
Disclaimer: I own none of this. J. K. Rowling and assorted companies including but not limited to Bloomsbury, Scholastic, and Warner Brothers own everything. They also make all the money. I am just having fun and in no way seek financial profit from their property.
Helping Hands
Scene I: A room in the Wizarding Afterlife, the night of Dumbledore's demise. James Potter and Sirius Black are playing cards. Lily Potter enters with an owl on her shoulder and a letter in her hand.
Lily: We have to do something about Remus.
Sirius: What's Moony done now?
Lily (scanning over the letter in her hands): Tonks tried to talk to him again. He's still giving her the three toos and she's getting close to giving up on him.
James: He's still pulling that?
Sirius: That's what she just said. Don't you even listen to your own wife, Prongs?
James: (to Sirius) Shove it, you. (to Lily) What can we do?
Lily: One of us is going to have to go talk some sense into him.
Sirius: Why don't we have Dumbledore do it? Everything sounds better coming from him.
Lily: Really, Sirius! Have some consideration. Professor Dumbledore just got here. He needs time to settle in. You have to give people peace and quiet for a bit.
Sirius: I seem to recall first thing you did when I got here was smack me upside the head.
Lily: Yes, well, you deserved it for convincing us to make Peter the secret keeper.
Sirius (in a huff): I died fighting to save your son's life, you know.
James: That's why she only smacked you once, mate.
Lily: And we might not have died fighting to save his life if it wasn't for your stupid idea.
Sirius: I try to do the right thing, make one little mistake, and look at the thanks I get. You're never going to let me live me that down, are you?
James: How many times do I have to tell you? You can't live something down once you're dead!
Sirius (beckoning with a finger): Come here, Prongs.
*James leans forward. Sirius whacks him upside the head and the boys start a mild wrestling match, with cards and James' glasses flying.*
Lily: Would you two grow up!
*They stop wrestling, glance at each other and then at her, James squinting due to the lose of his glasses.*
James and Sirius: You can't grow up once you're dead!
Sirius (glancing at his "body" which shows no sign of the Azkaban years): In fact, if I'm anything to judge by, you grow down.
Lily (rolling eyes): Whatever. What about Remus?
James (putting his glasses back on): Send him dreams of Tonks naked until he can't take it anymore and goes running to her?
Sirius: Hey! That's my cousin you're talking about!
Lily (at the same time as Sirius): Hey! Why are you thinking about Tonks naked?
James: (to Lily) I was suggesting it for Remus, not for me! I don't want to see Tonks naked. (to Sirius) And I thought the whole point of this was to get them back together, in which case he'd be seeing more than just dream!Tonks naked.
Sirius (with fingers in his ears): La, la, la. I can't hear you!
Lily: We're trying to motivate more than just his libido, James. We could always It's A Wonderful Life him.
Sirius (pulling fingers from his ears): It's a what?
Lily: It's A Wonderful Life. It’s this Muggle Christmas movie where an angel shows a man what the world would be like if he'd never been born. It makes him appreciate how valuable his life is.
James: But how would showing Remus a world without him in it help get him back with Tonks?
Lily: I was thinking we could show him Tonks' life without him in it. If he saw how miserable she'd be forever, he might give up his stupid arguments.
Sirius: Do you really think we can show him anything worse than his own fears that he'll kill her or bite her?
Lily: Do you have a better idea?
Sirius: Sure. Me and Prongs'll just go have a chat with him.
Lily: That's it? That's your idea? What will you say?
James (heading for the door): We'll think of something.
Sirius (right behind James): We always do.
*James holds open the door for Sirius and turns back to Lily*
James: Trust us.
*He leaves and closes the door behind them.*
Lily: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Scene II: A short while later. Remus has fallen asleep in a spare staff bedroom at Hogwarts. Tonks is still awake and is walking the grounds, just visible through the window. Faint shadow versions of James and Sirius materialize near the door.
*Sirius points at himself, the right side of Remus, James, and then the left side of Remus. James nods and each man goes to stand in his indicated spot. They each raise one hand and carefully bend a finger to rest the nail against a thumb. They place their fingers beside Remus' head. James lifts his other arm, three fingers up on his hand. He slowly lowers the fingers, one-by-one. The moment he lowers his last finger, both men release their bent fingers, flicking Remus' ears*
James and Sirius (yelling): Wake up, Moony!
Remus (starting "awake" and glancing around, very confused): What? Huh? Where am I?
James: Where's it look like you're at? Hogwarts, of course.
Remus: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're dead. Both of you. (muttering with slow realization) This has to be a dream.
Sirius: Nonsense. If this were a dream, it wouldn't hurt when I do this (punches Remus' arm).
Remus: Uh, actually that didn't hurt.
Sirius: Then I guess we are a dream. Fancy that.
James: Which means we're just your subconscious, so no harm in listening to us.
Remus: If I had sickle for every time I got in trouble after one of you told me there would be no harm in listening to you, I would have more than the entirety of the Malfoy and Black fortunes combined.
Sirius (pouting): That hurts, Remus. We come all the way from the Great Beyond just to chat with our old mate and you insult us.
Remus (not sounding at all sorry): Forgive me. Now could you please tell me what you want so I can go back to sleep?
James: Didn't we decide you're dreaming? You are asleep.
Remus: You know what I mean, Prongs!
James: Right. We want to talk about Tonks.
Remus: Oh (laying back down and burying his head under his covers). Good night then. I take it you can find your own ways out of my mind.
Sirius (grabbing the blanket and pulling it back down): Oh, no. You're not getting out of it that easily. What've you done to my cousin?
Remus (glaring at Sirius): You're dead. Can't you stop harassing me, yet?
Sirius: Like a curtain's going to stop me.
Remus: What was I thinking? If I let you have your say will you let me sleep?
James: You are asleep!
Remus: Prongs!
James: If you would listen to me the first time, I wouldn't have to repeat myself.
Sirius: Maybe we should come back when he's awake?
James: Don't think we can. Random dreams are about it.
Sirius: Try him again tomorrow? Maybe he won't be so cranky.
James: It's Moony. He can always be cranky.
Remus: Do I have to be here for this conversation?
James: See? Cranky.
Sirius (grinning lasciviously): I know what can fix that!
James: I thought we weren't allowed to talk about your cousin like that?
Sirius: You actually believed me? How dense can you get?
Remus: Padfoot! Prongs! Enough! Just tell me what you want and let me get some sleep.
James: I told...
Remus: Shut up, James!
Sirius: Fine. We want to know why you dumped Tonks.
Remus (sighing): I'm no good for her. She deserves better.
Sirius: Doesn't she get any say in that?
Remus: No. She'll get over it.
James: And when do you think that will happen?
Remus: Hopefully soon. She's too smart to wait forever.
James: And how long did I wait for Evans?
Remus: I said she was too smart. The same can't be said for you.
James: Say what you want, I got the girl in the end. And Tonks'll get you, too. You might as well save you both a lot of heartache and give in now.
Sirius: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. What else do you need? Get to the loving!
Remus: It is precisely because I love her that I have to let her go.
James and Sirius: Why?
Remus: In case you've forgotten, I'm a werewolf! It's too dangerous. I could never forgive myself if I bit her.
Sirius: You do realize that werewolf means man-wolf, right?
Remus: Yes, Sirius. I am aware of that.
James: Could have fooled me. You put way too much emphasis on the wolf part. I mean, that particular little problem only rears its furry little head once, maybe twice, a month.
Sirius: Exactly. And why you're sitting around being miserable, and making her miserable, because you're worried that maybe...
James: Someday...
Sirius: Possibly...
James: In a distant future...
Sirius: That is highly unlikely to ever happen...
James: And easily preventable...
Remus: Is there a point to all this?
Sirius: Yeah. The point is, while you're worried the wolf might hurt her, the man already is.
James: More than the wolf ever could.
Remus: Do you actually believe that?
Sirius: Yeah.
James: Why not?
Remus: Ignoring my age and poverty, I could bite her! I don't care how small the possibility might be. There is still the chance that I could kill her or turn her into a werewolf! I could never forgive myself if that were to happen.
James: That's the second time you've said that.
Remus: What?
James: That you could never forgive yourself.
Sirius: You've already hurt Tonks. But you're making yourself feel better about it by claiming some noble reason. If you hurt her as the wolf, you wouldn't have any way to make yourself feel better. You're more worried about your own guilt than about hurting her!
Remus: I am not!
Sirius: Prove it!
Remus: I don't have to prove anything to you.
James: We're your subconscious dreams. Remember? You have to prove it to yourself! Only way to get rid of us.
Remus: I am so going to regret this. What do I have to do?
Sirius: Talk to her.
James: And actually listen to her this time!
Sirius: Look at her and accept that you're the one causing her this pain.
James: Not because it is for her own good but because it is what you want to do.
Sirius: Forget the noble reasoning and just accept that you've made the decision to break her heart.
James: If you can do that, you can move on and we'll leave you alone.
Sirius: And maybe she'll be able to move on as well.
Remus: All I have to do is talk to her?
James and Sirius: And listen to her!
Remus: Fine. I'll talk to her tomorrow.
Sirius: Why wait?
Remus: Because it’s the middle of the night.
James: She's awake. She's out walking by the lake.
Remus: But as you're constantly reminding me, I'm not.
Sirius: We can fix that. Lay back down.
*Remus lies down, again burrowing under his blanket.*
Sirius and James: Wake up, Moony!
*Remus bolts up in bed, fully awake this time. He glances around the room, a dream he can't quite remember playing at the edge of his mind. He notices Tonks out the window. With a heavy sigh he grabs his robe, pulls it on, and leaves to go talk to her. A glimmer that might be two men giving each other a high five fades away as he leaves the room*
I really don't think I can apologize enough for inflicting that on an unsuspecting world.
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Back to the Remus/Tonks stories index
First, is it legitimate to write fan fiction based on your own pro fiction? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
Second, and more frighteningly, could I do something similar with a magical afterlife and spirits interfering in the whole Remus/Tonks thing? The insane results, written largely while watching the premier of Studio 60, follow. I apologize in advance for any brain cells lost while reading this. It's just ridiculous.
Title: Helping Hands
Rating: All Audiences
Characters: Remus Lupin, Tonks (sort of), Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Potter
Setting: The night of the battle at Hogwarts in HBP
Format: Crack!Fic/script (~2,000 words).
Summary: Sirius (pouting): That hurts, Remus. We come all the way from the Great Beyond just to chat with our old mate and you insult us.
Disclaimer: I own none of this. J. K. Rowling and assorted companies including but not limited to Bloomsbury, Scholastic, and Warner Brothers own everything. They also make all the money. I am just having fun and in no way seek financial profit from their property.
Helping Hands
Scene I: A room in the Wizarding Afterlife, the night of Dumbledore's demise. James Potter and Sirius Black are playing cards. Lily Potter enters with an owl on her shoulder and a letter in her hand.
Lily: We have to do something about Remus.
Sirius: What's Moony done now?
Lily (scanning over the letter in her hands): Tonks tried to talk to him again. He's still giving her the three toos and she's getting close to giving up on him.
James: He's still pulling that?
Sirius: That's what she just said. Don't you even listen to your own wife, Prongs?
James: (to Sirius) Shove it, you. (to Lily) What can we do?
Lily: One of us is going to have to go talk some sense into him.
Sirius: Why don't we have Dumbledore do it? Everything sounds better coming from him.
Lily: Really, Sirius! Have some consideration. Professor Dumbledore just got here. He needs time to settle in. You have to give people peace and quiet for a bit.
Sirius: I seem to recall first thing you did when I got here was smack me upside the head.
Lily: Yes, well, you deserved it for convincing us to make Peter the secret keeper.
Sirius (in a huff): I died fighting to save your son's life, you know.
James: That's why she only smacked you once, mate.
Lily: And we might not have died fighting to save his life if it wasn't for your stupid idea.
Sirius: I try to do the right thing, make one little mistake, and look at the thanks I get. You're never going to let me live me that down, are you?
James: How many times do I have to tell you? You can't live something down once you're dead!
Sirius (beckoning with a finger): Come here, Prongs.
*James leans forward. Sirius whacks him upside the head and the boys start a mild wrestling match, with cards and James' glasses flying.*
Lily: Would you two grow up!
*They stop wrestling, glance at each other and then at her, James squinting due to the lose of his glasses.*
James and Sirius: You can't grow up once you're dead!
Sirius (glancing at his "body" which shows no sign of the Azkaban years): In fact, if I'm anything to judge by, you grow down.
Lily (rolling eyes): Whatever. What about Remus?
James (putting his glasses back on): Send him dreams of Tonks naked until he can't take it anymore and goes running to her?
Sirius: Hey! That's my cousin you're talking about!
Lily (at the same time as Sirius): Hey! Why are you thinking about Tonks naked?
James: (to Lily) I was suggesting it for Remus, not for me! I don't want to see Tonks naked. (to Sirius) And I thought the whole point of this was to get them back together, in which case he'd be seeing more than just dream!Tonks naked.
Sirius (with fingers in his ears): La, la, la. I can't hear you!
Lily: We're trying to motivate more than just his libido, James. We could always It's A Wonderful Life him.
Sirius (pulling fingers from his ears): It's a what?
Lily: It's A Wonderful Life. It’s this Muggle Christmas movie where an angel shows a man what the world would be like if he'd never been born. It makes him appreciate how valuable his life is.
James: But how would showing Remus a world without him in it help get him back with Tonks?
Lily: I was thinking we could show him Tonks' life without him in it. If he saw how miserable she'd be forever, he might give up his stupid arguments.
Sirius: Do you really think we can show him anything worse than his own fears that he'll kill her or bite her?
Lily: Do you have a better idea?
Sirius: Sure. Me and Prongs'll just go have a chat with him.
Lily: That's it? That's your idea? What will you say?
James (heading for the door): We'll think of something.
Sirius (right behind James): We always do.
*James holds open the door for Sirius and turns back to Lily*
James: Trust us.
*He leaves and closes the door behind them.*
Lily: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Scene II: A short while later. Remus has fallen asleep in a spare staff bedroom at Hogwarts. Tonks is still awake and is walking the grounds, just visible through the window. Faint shadow versions of James and Sirius materialize near the door.
*Sirius points at himself, the right side of Remus, James, and then the left side of Remus. James nods and each man goes to stand in his indicated spot. They each raise one hand and carefully bend a finger to rest the nail against a thumb. They place their fingers beside Remus' head. James lifts his other arm, three fingers up on his hand. He slowly lowers the fingers, one-by-one. The moment he lowers his last finger, both men release their bent fingers, flicking Remus' ears*
James and Sirius (yelling): Wake up, Moony!
Remus (starting "awake" and glancing around, very confused): What? Huh? Where am I?
James: Where's it look like you're at? Hogwarts, of course.
Remus: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're dead. Both of you. (muttering with slow realization) This has to be a dream.
Sirius: Nonsense. If this were a dream, it wouldn't hurt when I do this (punches Remus' arm).
Remus: Uh, actually that didn't hurt.
Sirius: Then I guess we are a dream. Fancy that.
James: Which means we're just your subconscious, so no harm in listening to us.
Remus: If I had sickle for every time I got in trouble after one of you told me there would be no harm in listening to you, I would have more than the entirety of the Malfoy and Black fortunes combined.
Sirius (pouting): That hurts, Remus. We come all the way from the Great Beyond just to chat with our old mate and you insult us.
Remus (not sounding at all sorry): Forgive me. Now could you please tell me what you want so I can go back to sleep?
James: Didn't we decide you're dreaming? You are asleep.
Remus: You know what I mean, Prongs!
James: Right. We want to talk about Tonks.
Remus: Oh (laying back down and burying his head under his covers). Good night then. I take it you can find your own ways out of my mind.
Sirius (grabbing the blanket and pulling it back down): Oh, no. You're not getting out of it that easily. What've you done to my cousin?
Remus (glaring at Sirius): You're dead. Can't you stop harassing me, yet?
Sirius: Like a curtain's going to stop me.
Remus: What was I thinking? If I let you have your say will you let me sleep?
James: You are asleep!
Remus: Prongs!
James: If you would listen to me the first time, I wouldn't have to repeat myself.
Sirius: Maybe we should come back when he's awake?
James: Don't think we can. Random dreams are about it.
Sirius: Try him again tomorrow? Maybe he won't be so cranky.
James: It's Moony. He can always be cranky.
Remus: Do I have to be here for this conversation?
James: See? Cranky.
Sirius (grinning lasciviously): I know what can fix that!
James: I thought we weren't allowed to talk about your cousin like that?
Sirius: You actually believed me? How dense can you get?
Remus: Padfoot! Prongs! Enough! Just tell me what you want and let me get some sleep.
James: I told...
Remus: Shut up, James!
Sirius: Fine. We want to know why you dumped Tonks.
Remus (sighing): I'm no good for her. She deserves better.
Sirius: Doesn't she get any say in that?
Remus: No. She'll get over it.
James: And when do you think that will happen?
Remus: Hopefully soon. She's too smart to wait forever.
James: And how long did I wait for Evans?
Remus: I said she was too smart. The same can't be said for you.
James: Say what you want, I got the girl in the end. And Tonks'll get you, too. You might as well save you both a lot of heartache and give in now.
Sirius: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. What else do you need? Get to the loving!
Remus: It is precisely because I love her that I have to let her go.
James and Sirius: Why?
Remus: In case you've forgotten, I'm a werewolf! It's too dangerous. I could never forgive myself if I bit her.
Sirius: You do realize that werewolf means man-wolf, right?
Remus: Yes, Sirius. I am aware of that.
James: Could have fooled me. You put way too much emphasis on the wolf part. I mean, that particular little problem only rears its furry little head once, maybe twice, a month.
Sirius: Exactly. And why you're sitting around being miserable, and making her miserable, because you're worried that maybe...
James: Someday...
Sirius: Possibly...
James: In a distant future...
Sirius: That is highly unlikely to ever happen...
James: And easily preventable...
Remus: Is there a point to all this?
Sirius: Yeah. The point is, while you're worried the wolf might hurt her, the man already is.
James: More than the wolf ever could.
Remus: Do you actually believe that?
Sirius: Yeah.
James: Why not?
Remus: Ignoring my age and poverty, I could bite her! I don't care how small the possibility might be. There is still the chance that I could kill her or turn her into a werewolf! I could never forgive myself if that were to happen.
James: That's the second time you've said that.
Remus: What?
James: That you could never forgive yourself.
Sirius: You've already hurt Tonks. But you're making yourself feel better about it by claiming some noble reason. If you hurt her as the wolf, you wouldn't have any way to make yourself feel better. You're more worried about your own guilt than about hurting her!
Remus: I am not!
Sirius: Prove it!
Remus: I don't have to prove anything to you.
James: We're your subconscious dreams. Remember? You have to prove it to yourself! Only way to get rid of us.
Remus: I am so going to regret this. What do I have to do?
Sirius: Talk to her.
James: And actually listen to her this time!
Sirius: Look at her and accept that you're the one causing her this pain.
James: Not because it is for her own good but because it is what you want to do.
Sirius: Forget the noble reasoning and just accept that you've made the decision to break her heart.
James: If you can do that, you can move on and we'll leave you alone.
Sirius: And maybe she'll be able to move on as well.
Remus: All I have to do is talk to her?
James and Sirius: And listen to her!
Remus: Fine. I'll talk to her tomorrow.
Sirius: Why wait?
Remus: Because it’s the middle of the night.
James: She's awake. She's out walking by the lake.
Remus: But as you're constantly reminding me, I'm not.
Sirius: We can fix that. Lay back down.
*Remus lies down, again burrowing under his blanket.*
Sirius and James: Wake up, Moony!
*Remus bolts up in bed, fully awake this time. He glances around the room, a dream he can't quite remember playing at the edge of his mind. He notices Tonks out the window. With a heavy sigh he grabs his robe, pulls it on, and leaves to go talk to her. A glimmer that might be two men giving each other a high five fades away as he leaves the room*
I really don't think I can apologize enough for inflicting that on an unsuspecting world.
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Back to the Remus/Tonks stories index