Comments | boygirlparty: the silent treatment

boygirlparty

the silent treatment

Oct 28, 2011 19:55

i just read a pretty interesting post on the silent treatment (wooo friday night!) personally, i am really not a believer in this method of communication (or, more appropriately, lack thereof) and especially with friends and loved ones, i think it can damage the stability of that relationship because it sets you up to see that relationship with ( Read more... )

sadness, reading, thoughts

Comments 13

(The comment has been removed)

boygirlparty October 29 2011, 07:59:19 UTC

it's definitely not always on purpose (sometimes people are just busy, pre-occupied, or have trouble prioritizing...i certainly have that problem a lot when it comes to communication! it helps to try not to take it personally in those situations.) but when it feels purposeful is really the problem because they're trying to send a message with their silence!
btw, if i'm trying to get ahold of someone and email isn't working, i think a call lets them know it's important to you :)

rmt October 29 2011, 03:14:17 UTC

hello...
i have a friend who did this by not answering calls or emails, anything for months, i just wanted her to tell me when she was cancelling plans so i could make others.
when confronted she denied it was happening, or anything was wrong between us at all, then said friends don't expect/owe each other anything and told another friend i was needy.
she got pregnant and had a baby this year and i found out on facebook!
clearly i gotta get over it already
tmi aackk!
xo

boygirlparty October 29 2011, 08:01:36 UTC

sounds like that friend was really not able to hear you - that's really too bad that instead of working through it, they went and gossiped to a 3rd party! that's exactly what i'm talking about... manipulative and immature. sorry you're going through that :(

iwouldloveto October 29 2011, 11:52:42 UTC

My ex-husband was a HUGE fan of the silent treatment. He truly used it in every fight we had. This article really makes so much sense to me, thanks for sharing it Susie!!!

boygirlparty November 1 2011, 20:34:59 UTC

he was all kinds of awful, huh? glad the article helped you too.

tiffanyharvey October 29 2011, 15:33:05 UTC

I think there could be occasional cases where the person is not doing to intentionally hurt you, but because they are so afraid of possible conflict or awkwardness that they avoid calling or messaging. They don't know what to do or how to express themselves & the only thing they can think to do is avoid the whole situation. (I feel like I have a little too much of this trait in myself)

loolica October 29 2011, 22:27:39 UTC

This! I inherited, from my father, a tendency to withdraw (physically, emotionally, etc.erally) when there is conflict or too many feelings. This withdrawal is different from a cooling off period, because it isn't usually that you've (I've) become too angry or upset, it's that I'm afraid that might happen soon, so I shut down.

I think it's also different from the silent treatment, which ironically is my mother's chosen fighting style (ironic because she's a yeller), but I wonder if it feels the same to the person on the other side?

boygirlparty November 1 2011, 20:20:40 UTC

i see avoidance as something totally different than the silent treatment. to me, when someone is *avoiding because of their own awkwardness*, while it definitely does not make the situation better, i see it more as a "they've short fused" kinda thing than malicious or manipulative on their part.

i really wonder what people who do this are hoping to accomplish by stepping out entirely, though. i have a friend who is a chronic avoider and i find it incredibly annoying - i wish she'd just acknowledge the awkwardness rather than exacerbate it. i have to admit that over time, it has made me not feel that i can depend on my chronic avoider friend, because when the going gets tough, she shuts down and disappears.

gehgoigoddess13 October 30 2011, 14:14:08 UTC

This happened with one of my closest friends when I left DC. I found out later that she was upset because she felt abandoned and she wanted to go to grad school too but her husband wouldn't let her. I still didn't understand why that merited her completely cutting me out of her life, but what you've written rings true with this experience. I tried for as long as I could but then I just gave up. It still upsets me though, since we were friends for 20 years, and I've had little problem maintaining friendships in spite of distance. Sigh. Thanks for putting up the article.

boygirlparty November 1 2011, 20:33:31 UTC

i see a difference between someone avoiding as a means to create distance rather than giving the silent treatment in a conflict. i have definitely avoided contact with people in the past that i need space from, or even people that i feel i'm not really (or don't really want to be) friends with anymore because what else can you really do? tell them "i don't want to be friends with you?" i guess you could do that, but that seems weird ( ... )