Send In the Clowns [Yonghwa/Seohyun]
Send In the Clowns
Yonghwa/Seohyun
PG-13, 1,881 words
Showcase, show time, let the show begin, send in the clowns.
A/N: okay that was a poor effort. posting again. sorry to people who might be watching this comm mostly for chiaroscuro18! okay, so this fic came off a fic challenge I made for myself in case I needed prompts/pairings. this doesn't have a real beginning because I knew anything I wrote before the "beginning" would have been mundane and I wouldn't like it. haha I have so much confidence. also, I owe the line about Se7en and Park Hanbyul to 13fireflies in a way because I forgot they were together until she reminded me!
Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
you in mid-air.
Send in the clowns,
where are the clowns?
- Send In the Clowns - A Little Night Music (Sondheim)
--
“Oh, you’re still wearing it.”
“I am,” she pauses to let her smile be on its own for a moment. “I like it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why? Oh…”
He wants to grab her hand; tell her that he keeps it in his pocket. If he wears it around everywhere, they’ll peg him with another scandal. He doesn’t want to risk anything. Not with her. There was already the Strong Heart Incident, which they haven’t even talked about yet-not a word. “The necklace, too?”
“Um,” her cheeks turn pink. She brings her hand to her neck and coaxes the chain out of her sweater. So she hides it, he thinks.
“See, I told you I would say whenever I noticed it.”
“You did,” she’s smiling again. “Thank you.”
“Always with the banmal.”
“Ah, I’m sorry!”
He chuckles, touching her shoulder. They haven’t really had much physical contact since their last hug. The half-hug they’d shared at this first meeting didn’t mean much. It’d been empty, like the way he felt after saying goodbye those weeks ago, and he’d unconsciously tried transferring those feelings through himself to her. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” He says it once for her, once for himself. “Alright. Let’s go somewhere.”
“We are somewhere.”
“Then let’s go somewhere else, Hyun!”
She grins and lets him lead her down the street, into this temporary future together. Arm-to-arm, she thinks how she never wants the sun to rise again if it would mean she could stay like this, with Jung Yonghwa.
--
“I didn’t realize I was holding onto Seohyun.”
It’d kind of always been too natural to comprehend.
--
Half-way to the restaurant (at least he said they were going to one):
“Can we hold hands again?” she asks through a bout of courage. “One last time?”
He doesn’t answer; gently, he reaches that short distance toward her still fingers, waiting until she slowly raises them to fold into his. “Aish, your hands are cold.”
“Yours are warm,” she says, then sighs, the words bouncing around on her tongue. “I miss this.”
“Skinship!” he shouts. His voice echoes down the street, and she giggles in response. “I miss this, too,” he says, quieter. I miss you. Her hand starts to warm up inside his. Yonghwa thinks about wrapping a scarf around both their necks, about sheltering her from the cold. He wants to put his arm around her until she isn’t shaking anymore, even if she’s only shaking a little bit. The days are warming, but nights are still chilly. Especially without each other. Seohyun is surrounded by friends, unnies, girls at home, but she still seems lonely.
For a second Yonghwa imagines them as a matching set. In a way, they are. He doesn’t know that she’s been making lists; pros and cons. He doesn’t know that she’s been confused ever since they left each other. She doesn’t know that he has been, too.
--
“I had a good time.”
“Me, too.”
--
Seohyun went into We Got Married prepared. She was ready for an attachment to happen (although she watched Taeyeon on the show from time to time, and that was different from what Seohyun would get into, for sure). She was ready for it to feel real, and she was ready to tell herself that it wasn’t. But she was also ready to be herself-she couldn’t help it. Unfortunately, there was something about her being herself that her “husband” would be drawn to. Attachment became inevitable. Simple companionship formed; it was nice. She wouldn’t be ready for what would follow.
Reminding herself that this was TV became a daily ritual. Showcase, show time, time to be in love for screen time and money (but she was never in it for the money), let the show begin, send in the clowns.
--
“She is so innocent and pure that she asked me the difference between liking and loving someone.”
--
“Oppa.”
“Yong.”
“…Yong,” she says, not willing to put up a fight. “Can we even go to a restaurant together?”
She asks this tentatively. Every word is fragile. Seohyun means to be practical, even when being out of her dorm room at three in the morning is already completely impractical to her. Yonghwa knows this.
“That’s a good question,” he pauses. They stop walking. Their hands don’t let up, though; they’re holding tight. No intentions of letting go any time soon. “You’re right. I guess we can’t.” He thinks about it for a while, for too long. They’ve stopped walking. They’re in the middle of a park. Seohyun is looking off towards the pair of swings. She looks back at him, but his mind is still gone, staring off into the distance.
“Oppa…?”
Yonghwa blinks a few times and then says, “Yong,” instinctively, with a smile. He turns them around to tune of her soft laughter.
--
They’ll recognize us. You’ll get in trouble. Your company will kill you-no, they’ll kill me and then punish you. My company will kill me if your company doesn’t or my manager-hyung doesn’t already. You’ll be objectified: C.N.Blue’s Yonghwa’s girlfriend. I’ll be objectified: Girls’ Generation’s Seohyun’s boyfriend. I want to be more than that. In the media and in your life, is that too much to ask for?
What if we can’t be like Se7en and Park Hanbyul? They’re lucky, I hope they know that.
What if we end up like Alex and Shinae? She’s marrying someone else. I couldn’t live with that. I just…couldn’t.
--
That restaurant idea falls through. Yonghwa admits later, while they’re on the swings, that he didn't even have a place in mind. The original idea in his head was the restaurant they visited on their first date, but they were too far away and he wanted to get her back to her dorm before five-thirty. Or six.
For a second, Yonghwa thinks about back at his own dorm. Only Jungshin knows, because Jungshin was on his way to the bathroom when Yonghwa was tying his sneakers. Even in the dark, Yonghwa could see the all-knowing look on his dongsaeng’s face, and there was nothing he could do but whisper to him not to tell management anything. They call Jungshin ‘untouchable’ for a reason.
When he had to wake her up for breakfast during the time they lived together, she’s wake up with a look in her eyes that said she couldn’t believe where she was. At the same time she seemed so content, so married with the idea of being married to him. Not even the cameras could capture that right, so Yonghwa would keep the idea behind her expression to himself.
“I like ‘Mr. Taxi.’ Very catchy. Sexy, I might also add,” he says, breaking the silence.
“Thank you,” she replies, bowing her head a few times. He chuckles because nothing can compare to this, seeing her react this way again. She’s so cute that he feels his chest begin to ache, in a good way, he thinks. “I love ‘Intuition.’ The unnies make fun of me for it. Because I keep humming it around the dorm.”
Scratch that. Nothing can compare to the swell of pride that now starts forming inside his chest.
--
There was a point in my life when I'd go for days without showering, but I could never tell you that. Hell, the guys and I would probably rough it in a van across the country-well, maybe America, our country’s a little small for that journey-if we had the opportunity.
But I think you'd still love me if I told you.
You’re good for me, Joohyun. I just hope I’m good (enough) for you.
--
When she’d walked away the first time, she expected a renewal to occur-like a soft explosion, like fireworks, or a crack of a flame housed in a fireplace. She may have experienced love, and she needed to in order to really become the lady everyone had been calling her. Letting go is part of the process.
When she has to walk away this time, she turns around and stands there, watching his back begin to fade in the dark. Suddenly she feels so alone. The world is closing in on her. Yonghwa is getting away. Yonghwa is leaving. Why is Yonghwa leaving her by herself, alone, in the dark street? She’s grounded, but he’s floating away. It’s then that she tries to listen for his footsteps and hears nothing.
“Oppa!” she shouts. Seohyun: shouting. “Oppa!” the third time she does it, her voice cracks. Peering through the dark, she sees the white glint of his hair against a street lamp. He stopped. He’s standing with his back to her, stuck in time, unsure of which step to take. Which is the smartest? Which is the right one?
“Yong!” he corrects.
“…Yong,” she says, giving in, with her hand pressed to her cheek. Yonghwa looks both ways before crossing the street even this late at night. He runs to her, slow-motion-style, movie star, perfect boyfriend, loving husband, closing the gap they never wanted.
--
Ten years. It can pass like ten days if you aren’t careful. But Seohyun is a careful person, though. Yonghwa has learned how to be. He is careful about remembering birthdays, anniversaries, doctor appointments or dentist appointments, lunches or dinners or meetings he promised to have with his bandmates. Because Jonghyun only takes driving Changhyun to guitar lessons as real excuses (a running joke).
He is careful with Seohyun in so many ways (the butterfly necklace, the engagement ring, due dates, and the birthdays after that), and he is careful with his two boys.
Seohyun makes sure her husband remembers when Minhyuk’s birthday party is, or that Jungshin’s wedding is this weekend, or that he promised to babysit Jonghyun’s daughter on Thursday night. She reminds Yonghwa to be on time for Youngjin’s check-up.
Ten years, when it’s actually been more like eleven years if they count the warm-up round. They do.
--
“What time is it?” Tiffany yawns, fresh out of bed. Taeyeon and Yuri are making breakfast already.
“Someone wake Seohyun, please,” says Taeyeon over her shoulder.
“I tried already, but she’s practically comatose,” Yuri mumbles, focusing on the stove.
Sooyoung steals a piece of egg from a plate Taeyeon starts to fill. “Maybe we should call a doctor?”
“Whisper in her ear and tell her Yonghwa came over,” Jessica says, swatting Sooyoung’s hand away before she goes for another piece.
Hyoyeon giggles. “That should get her out of bed.”
Tiffany snorts. “Out of bed?”
“Yah,” Taeyeon hands Sunny a plate, eyes on Tiffany. “Seohyun is a good girl.”
“The best,” Sunny adds, absentmindedly.
“I think we should leave her,” Yoona chimes in, a little hesitant, standing in the threshold of their bedroom. All eyes on her, Yoona starts to move into the kitchen, into the chair next to Tiffany. “What? She’s really tired,” she says. “Seohyun-”
The voice that cuts her off is groggy, filled with sleep or the lack of it. The girl’s hair is almost like a bird’s nest on a good day. “Yes?”
“Good morning,” Tiffany smiles behind a cup of orange juice.
“Good morning,” Seohyun replies, dignified as ever.
Well. At least she’s trying.
Yonghwa/Seohyun
PG-13, 1,881 words
Showcase, show time, let the show begin, send in the clowns.
A/N: okay that was a poor effort. posting again. sorry to people who might be watching this comm mostly for chiaroscuro18! okay, so this fic came off a fic challenge I made for myself in case I needed prompts/pairings. this doesn't have a real beginning because I knew anything I wrote before the "beginning" would have been mundane and I wouldn't like it. haha I have so much confidence. also, I owe the line about Se7en and Park Hanbyul to 13fireflies in a way because I forgot they were together until she reminded me!
Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
you in mid-air.
Send in the clowns,
where are the clowns?
- Send In the Clowns - A Little Night Music (Sondheim)
--
“Oh, you’re still wearing it.”
“I am,” she pauses to let her smile be on its own for a moment. “I like it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why? Oh…”
He wants to grab her hand; tell her that he keeps it in his pocket. If he wears it around everywhere, they’ll peg him with another scandal. He doesn’t want to risk anything. Not with her. There was already the Strong Heart Incident, which they haven’t even talked about yet-not a word. “The necklace, too?”
“Um,” her cheeks turn pink. She brings her hand to her neck and coaxes the chain out of her sweater. So she hides it, he thinks.
“See, I told you I would say whenever I noticed it.”
“You did,” she’s smiling again. “Thank you.”
“Always with the banmal.”
“Ah, I’m sorry!”
He chuckles, touching her shoulder. They haven’t really had much physical contact since their last hug. The half-hug they’d shared at this first meeting didn’t mean much. It’d been empty, like the way he felt after saying goodbye those weeks ago, and he’d unconsciously tried transferring those feelings through himself to her. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” He says it once for her, once for himself. “Alright. Let’s go somewhere.”
“We are somewhere.”
“Then let’s go somewhere else, Hyun!”
She grins and lets him lead her down the street, into this temporary future together. Arm-to-arm, she thinks how she never wants the sun to rise again if it would mean she could stay like this, with Jung Yonghwa.
--
“I didn’t realize I was holding onto Seohyun.”
It’d kind of always been too natural to comprehend.
--
Half-way to the restaurant (at least he said they were going to one):
“Can we hold hands again?” she asks through a bout of courage. “One last time?”
He doesn’t answer; gently, he reaches that short distance toward her still fingers, waiting until she slowly raises them to fold into his. “Aish, your hands are cold.”
“Yours are warm,” she says, then sighs, the words bouncing around on her tongue. “I miss this.”
“Skinship!” he shouts. His voice echoes down the street, and she giggles in response. “I miss this, too,” he says, quieter. I miss you. Her hand starts to warm up inside his. Yonghwa thinks about wrapping a scarf around both their necks, about sheltering her from the cold. He wants to put his arm around her until she isn’t shaking anymore, even if she’s only shaking a little bit. The days are warming, but nights are still chilly. Especially without each other. Seohyun is surrounded by friends, unnies, girls at home, but she still seems lonely.
For a second Yonghwa imagines them as a matching set. In a way, they are. He doesn’t know that she’s been making lists; pros and cons. He doesn’t know that she’s been confused ever since they left each other. She doesn’t know that he has been, too.
--
“I had a good time.”
“Me, too.”
--
Seohyun went into We Got Married prepared. She was ready for an attachment to happen (although she watched Taeyeon on the show from time to time, and that was different from what Seohyun would get into, for sure). She was ready for it to feel real, and she was ready to tell herself that it wasn’t. But she was also ready to be herself-she couldn’t help it. Unfortunately, there was something about her being herself that her “husband” would be drawn to. Attachment became inevitable. Simple companionship formed; it was nice. She wouldn’t be ready for what would follow.
Reminding herself that this was TV became a daily ritual. Showcase, show time, time to be in love for screen time and money (but she was never in it for the money), let the show begin, send in the clowns.
--
“She is so innocent and pure that she asked me the difference between liking and loving someone.”
--
“Oppa.”
“Yong.”
“…Yong,” she says, not willing to put up a fight. “Can we even go to a restaurant together?”
She asks this tentatively. Every word is fragile. Seohyun means to be practical, even when being out of her dorm room at three in the morning is already completely impractical to her. Yonghwa knows this.
“That’s a good question,” he pauses. They stop walking. Their hands don’t let up, though; they’re holding tight. No intentions of letting go any time soon. “You’re right. I guess we can’t.” He thinks about it for a while, for too long. They’ve stopped walking. They’re in the middle of a park. Seohyun is looking off towards the pair of swings. She looks back at him, but his mind is still gone, staring off into the distance.
“Oppa…?”
Yonghwa blinks a few times and then says, “Yong,” instinctively, with a smile. He turns them around to tune of her soft laughter.
--
They’ll recognize us. You’ll get in trouble. Your company will kill you-no, they’ll kill me and then punish you. My company will kill me if your company doesn’t or my manager-hyung doesn’t already. You’ll be objectified: C.N.Blue’s Yonghwa’s girlfriend. I’ll be objectified: Girls’ Generation’s Seohyun’s boyfriend. I want to be more than that. In the media and in your life, is that too much to ask for?
What if we can’t be like Se7en and Park Hanbyul? They’re lucky, I hope they know that.
What if we end up like Alex and Shinae? She’s marrying someone else. I couldn’t live with that. I just…couldn’t.
--
That restaurant idea falls through. Yonghwa admits later, while they’re on the swings, that he didn't even have a place in mind. The original idea in his head was the restaurant they visited on their first date, but they were too far away and he wanted to get her back to her dorm before five-thirty. Or six.
For a second, Yonghwa thinks about back at his own dorm. Only Jungshin knows, because Jungshin was on his way to the bathroom when Yonghwa was tying his sneakers. Even in the dark, Yonghwa could see the all-knowing look on his dongsaeng’s face, and there was nothing he could do but whisper to him not to tell management anything. They call Jungshin ‘untouchable’ for a reason.
When he had to wake her up for breakfast during the time they lived together, she’s wake up with a look in her eyes that said she couldn’t believe where she was. At the same time she seemed so content, so married with the idea of being married to him. Not even the cameras could capture that right, so Yonghwa would keep the idea behind her expression to himself.
“I like ‘Mr. Taxi.’ Very catchy. Sexy, I might also add,” he says, breaking the silence.
“Thank you,” she replies, bowing her head a few times. He chuckles because nothing can compare to this, seeing her react this way again. She’s so cute that he feels his chest begin to ache, in a good way, he thinks. “I love ‘Intuition.’ The unnies make fun of me for it. Because I keep humming it around the dorm.”
Scratch that. Nothing can compare to the swell of pride that now starts forming inside his chest.
--
There was a point in my life when I'd go for days without showering, but I could never tell you that. Hell, the guys and I would probably rough it in a van across the country-well, maybe America, our country’s a little small for that journey-if we had the opportunity.
But I think you'd still love me if I told you.
You’re good for me, Joohyun. I just hope I’m good (enough) for you.
--
When she’d walked away the first time, she expected a renewal to occur-like a soft explosion, like fireworks, or a crack of a flame housed in a fireplace. She may have experienced love, and she needed to in order to really become the lady everyone had been calling her. Letting go is part of the process.
When she has to walk away this time, she turns around and stands there, watching his back begin to fade in the dark. Suddenly she feels so alone. The world is closing in on her. Yonghwa is getting away. Yonghwa is leaving. Why is Yonghwa leaving her by herself, alone, in the dark street? She’s grounded, but he’s floating away. It’s then that she tries to listen for his footsteps and hears nothing.
“Oppa!” she shouts. Seohyun: shouting. “Oppa!” the third time she does it, her voice cracks. Peering through the dark, she sees the white glint of his hair against a street lamp. He stopped. He’s standing with his back to her, stuck in time, unsure of which step to take. Which is the smartest? Which is the right one?
“Yong!” he corrects.
“…Yong,” she says, giving in, with her hand pressed to her cheek. Yonghwa looks both ways before crossing the street even this late at night. He runs to her, slow-motion-style, movie star, perfect boyfriend, loving husband, closing the gap they never wanted.
--
Ten years. It can pass like ten days if you aren’t careful. But Seohyun is a careful person, though. Yonghwa has learned how to be. He is careful about remembering birthdays, anniversaries, doctor appointments or dentist appointments, lunches or dinners or meetings he promised to have with his bandmates. Because Jonghyun only takes driving Changhyun to guitar lessons as real excuses (a running joke).
He is careful with Seohyun in so many ways (the butterfly necklace, the engagement ring, due dates, and the birthdays after that), and he is careful with his two boys.
Seohyun makes sure her husband remembers when Minhyuk’s birthday party is, or that Jungshin’s wedding is this weekend, or that he promised to babysit Jonghyun’s daughter on Thursday night. She reminds Yonghwa to be on time for Youngjin’s check-up.
Ten years, when it’s actually been more like eleven years if they count the warm-up round. They do.
--
“What time is it?” Tiffany yawns, fresh out of bed. Taeyeon and Yuri are making breakfast already.
“Someone wake Seohyun, please,” says Taeyeon over her shoulder.
“I tried already, but she’s practically comatose,” Yuri mumbles, focusing on the stove.
Sooyoung steals a piece of egg from a plate Taeyeon starts to fill. “Maybe we should call a doctor?”
“Whisper in her ear and tell her Yonghwa came over,” Jessica says, swatting Sooyoung’s hand away before she goes for another piece.
Hyoyeon giggles. “That should get her out of bed.”
Tiffany snorts. “Out of bed?”
“Yah,” Taeyeon hands Sunny a plate, eyes on Tiffany. “Seohyun is a good girl.”
“The best,” Sunny adds, absentmindedly.
“I think we should leave her,” Yoona chimes in, a little hesitant, standing in the threshold of their bedroom. All eyes on her, Yoona starts to move into the kitchen, into the chair next to Tiffany. “What? She’s really tired,” she says. “Seohyun-”
The voice that cuts her off is groggy, filled with sleep or the lack of it. The girl’s hair is almost like a bird’s nest on a good day. “Yes?”
“Good morning,” Tiffany smiles behind a cup of orange juice.
“Good morning,” Seohyun replies, dignified as ever.
Well. At least she’s trying.