[mad_muses] A List of Moments] This Is How a Heart Breaks
(Damn muse. Have more angst. It comes from building his history and it being loud in my head. Once again, sensitive material for 9/11.)
i.
It was nighttime and the city was still in a state of shock, panic, and fear. Aidan was perched on the curb of the street just watching everything around him. He was covered in dust, grime, and ash. He had cuts all over his arms. Around him fire trucks and police cars lined the streets, creating their own light show. Beyond all of that stood people, citizens, with an impromptu candlelight vigil. People screaming names of their loved ones.
Aidan's phone kept going off, but he had stopped answering it. He'd been pulled off the street and forced to sit down, and even though he knew his legs wouldn't hold him, he wanted to get up and run back in. There had to be more. More people alive. He needed there to be more. He needed to do something.
He needed to not think how the last time he had heard from his partner was earlier in the morning, when Misha called him from inside, and the line went dead not even a minute in.
ii.
"Come home, Aid, please," Keira begged. "I'm scared. I need-"
"I can't," he said, his voice raw. "I'm not leaving until Misha comes out."
"He's not going to!! Don't you see what the rest of us see?! He's dead, Aidan." She was never usually that harsh, but she had been a wreck worrying about Aidan all day.
Aidan didn't care. He couldn't believe she'd said that. "Just..shut up, okay? Shut the hell up." And he hung up on her. He didn't care. His partner, his mentor, wasn't dead. Aidan wasn't going to accept that.
iii.
Misha's body was found two days later. He had to be identified by his badge.
Aidan walked up to the nursing home and hesitantly made his way in. He had always considered it the worst part of the job, and this one was going to be the worst of all.
She slid out of the chair she had been sitting in and into Aidan's arms as she sobbed for her son. Aidan couldn't do a thing but silently hold her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
iv.
"No!" Keira threw a plate at him, but he ducked and it shattered against the wall. "There's no wedding until you quit!! You can't do that job anymore! You can't do that to me!"
Aidan was stoic as he shook his head. "I'm not quitting. You either marry me like I am or don't marry me."
"I can't live every day terrified that my husband is going to die!"
"You don't have to," he said calmly. "Lots of husbands go to work every day for thirty years."
"Tell that to all the new NYPD widows."
"I can't do this." He shook his head and turned to walk out the door. He couldn't take the fights. Everything was hard enough as it was without her making it worse. Aidan found his way to a bar where he drank until he couldn't feel anymore.
v.
Aidan hadn't been to work in a month. The department made him take leave after sending him to the department shrink who didn't think he was fit to work yet. He was okay with that. He spent most of his time on the couch watching mindless television or sleeping. He ate a lot of junk food and drank a lot.
Keira walked in one afternoon and took one look at him laying there in his boxers and t-shirt. He hadn't shaved in a week. She sunk into the arm chair and closed her eyes.
"When are you going to start taking care of yourself?"
"Maybe when I feel like I deserve it," he mumbled drunkenly.
"God, Aidan..." She dropped her face in her hands and breathed for several beats before looking up at him again. "Misha wouldn't want-"
"It doesn't matter what Misha wants!" He yelled as he sat up. "He's dead! He's dead and I'm here, so I'm the one dealing, and I'm going to do it my own way!" He got to his feet and wavered a bit.
"You're not doing it at all!" She fought back. "You need to stop doing this! You have to pull yourself together, and either go back to your job or find a new one!"
"Go back to my job? What happened to you not marrying a cop?"
"I still won't."
"Then what the fuck do you care?"
Keira stared up at him for a long time, but then shook her head and stood up. "I don't remember anymore. I...I can't babysit you anymore. I can't take care of you. This..." She ran her fingers through her hair.
Aidan dropped onto the couch and watched her, his eyes growing big and sad. "I'm sorry. I-I can't. I try to get up, but I can't."
"You're not trying hard enough."
"I need you," he said softly.
"I'd rather you need us," she replied. She pulled off her ring and set it in front of him, then walked out. Aidan sat there staring blankly at the ring, unmoving.
She never came back.
vi.
It was four months, just past the day, when Aidan finally walked back into the precinct. He was welcomed warmly with pats on the back and handshakes. He came to his desk and looked at the empty one across from it. Misha's nameplate still sat there in honor.
He didn't know how long he had been standing there with a locked gaze on the desk before the Lieutenant came over to snap him out of it.
"We're working on getting you a new partner still."
"Oh.." he nodded.
"The doc said we shouldn't rush it, especially as you'll be on desk duty for the week."
"Okay." Aidan nodded again and took a seat behind his desk, getting a feel for it all over again.
Lieutenant D'Arcy watched him. "You look good, Burroughs. We missed seein' you sittin' there." Translation being, he no longer looked like a drunken bum.
"Thanks," Aidan said with yet another nod.
"Right. Good. Get back to work," he said gruffly.
The man walked off and Aidan reached for a file he was supposed to go through and mark. His hand was shaking.
vii.
"Hey Burroughs, I need a moment," D'Arcy called out to him, leaning out of his office.
Aidan had just come in from being in court and he glanced at his temporary partner. "I'll catch up." Then he turned and went to the Lieutenant's office. When he walked he spotted a young man standing stiffly beside D'Arcy's desk.
D'Arcy nodded to Aidan. "Aidan Burroughs, this is Wallace Browning."
Aidan glanced between the men, uncertainly, but reached out to shake the guy's hand. "How's it going?"
"Good," he nodded. "Please, feel free to call me Wally."
The Lieutenant cleared his throat. "Browning here is your new partner."
Aidan looked over at Wally again and stared for awhile, before looking at his boss again. "He's a kid."
"He's earned his spot, Burroughs. The rest is up to you. Show him the ropes."
"I'm eager to learn," Wally nodded.
Aidan sighed. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever." He turned and walked out of the office and towards his desk.
The Lieutenant looked at Wally with a sigh. "Good luck."
1211
i.
It was nighttime and the city was still in a state of shock, panic, and fear. Aidan was perched on the curb of the street just watching everything around him. He was covered in dust, grime, and ash. He had cuts all over his arms. Around him fire trucks and police cars lined the streets, creating their own light show. Beyond all of that stood people, citizens, with an impromptu candlelight vigil. People screaming names of their loved ones.
Aidan's phone kept going off, but he had stopped answering it. He'd been pulled off the street and forced to sit down, and even though he knew his legs wouldn't hold him, he wanted to get up and run back in. There had to be more. More people alive. He needed there to be more. He needed to do something.
He needed to not think how the last time he had heard from his partner was earlier in the morning, when Misha called him from inside, and the line went dead not even a minute in.
ii.
"Come home, Aid, please," Keira begged. "I'm scared. I need-"
"I can't," he said, his voice raw. "I'm not leaving until Misha comes out."
"He's not going to!! Don't you see what the rest of us see?! He's dead, Aidan." She was never usually that harsh, but she had been a wreck worrying about Aidan all day.
Aidan didn't care. He couldn't believe she'd said that. "Just..shut up, okay? Shut the hell up." And he hung up on her. He didn't care. His partner, his mentor, wasn't dead. Aidan wasn't going to accept that.
iii.
Misha's body was found two days later. He had to be identified by his badge.
Aidan walked up to the nursing home and hesitantly made his way in. He had always considered it the worst part of the job, and this one was going to be the worst of all.
She slid out of the chair she had been sitting in and into Aidan's arms as she sobbed for her son. Aidan couldn't do a thing but silently hold her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
iv.
"No!" Keira threw a plate at him, but he ducked and it shattered against the wall. "There's no wedding until you quit!! You can't do that job anymore! You can't do that to me!"
Aidan was stoic as he shook his head. "I'm not quitting. You either marry me like I am or don't marry me."
"I can't live every day terrified that my husband is going to die!"
"You don't have to," he said calmly. "Lots of husbands go to work every day for thirty years."
"Tell that to all the new NYPD widows."
"I can't do this." He shook his head and turned to walk out the door. He couldn't take the fights. Everything was hard enough as it was without her making it worse. Aidan found his way to a bar where he drank until he couldn't feel anymore.
v.
Aidan hadn't been to work in a month. The department made him take leave after sending him to the department shrink who didn't think he was fit to work yet. He was okay with that. He spent most of his time on the couch watching mindless television or sleeping. He ate a lot of junk food and drank a lot.
Keira walked in one afternoon and took one look at him laying there in his boxers and t-shirt. He hadn't shaved in a week. She sunk into the arm chair and closed her eyes.
"When are you going to start taking care of yourself?"
"Maybe when I feel like I deserve it," he mumbled drunkenly.
"God, Aidan..." She dropped her face in her hands and breathed for several beats before looking up at him again. "Misha wouldn't want-"
"It doesn't matter what Misha wants!" He yelled as he sat up. "He's dead! He's dead and I'm here, so I'm the one dealing, and I'm going to do it my own way!" He got to his feet and wavered a bit.
"You're not doing it at all!" She fought back. "You need to stop doing this! You have to pull yourself together, and either go back to your job or find a new one!"
"Go back to my job? What happened to you not marrying a cop?"
"I still won't."
"Then what the fuck do you care?"
Keira stared up at him for a long time, but then shook her head and stood up. "I don't remember anymore. I...I can't babysit you anymore. I can't take care of you. This..." She ran her fingers through her hair.
Aidan dropped onto the couch and watched her, his eyes growing big and sad. "I'm sorry. I-I can't. I try to get up, but I can't."
"You're not trying hard enough."
"I need you," he said softly.
"I'd rather you need us," she replied. She pulled off her ring and set it in front of him, then walked out. Aidan sat there staring blankly at the ring, unmoving.
She never came back.
vi.
It was four months, just past the day, when Aidan finally walked back into the precinct. He was welcomed warmly with pats on the back and handshakes. He came to his desk and looked at the empty one across from it. Misha's nameplate still sat there in honor.
He didn't know how long he had been standing there with a locked gaze on the desk before the Lieutenant came over to snap him out of it.
"We're working on getting you a new partner still."
"Oh.." he nodded.
"The doc said we shouldn't rush it, especially as you'll be on desk duty for the week."
"Okay." Aidan nodded again and took a seat behind his desk, getting a feel for it all over again.
Lieutenant D'Arcy watched him. "You look good, Burroughs. We missed seein' you sittin' there." Translation being, he no longer looked like a drunken bum.
"Thanks," Aidan said with yet another nod.
"Right. Good. Get back to work," he said gruffly.
The man walked off and Aidan reached for a file he was supposed to go through and mark. His hand was shaking.
vii.
"Hey Burroughs, I need a moment," D'Arcy called out to him, leaning out of his office.
Aidan had just come in from being in court and he glanced at his temporary partner. "I'll catch up." Then he turned and went to the Lieutenant's office. When he walked he spotted a young man standing stiffly beside D'Arcy's desk.
D'Arcy nodded to Aidan. "Aidan Burroughs, this is Wallace Browning."
Aidan glanced between the men, uncertainly, but reached out to shake the guy's hand. "How's it going?"
"Good," he nodded. "Please, feel free to call me Wally."
The Lieutenant cleared his throat. "Browning here is your new partner."
Aidan looked over at Wally again and stared for awhile, before looking at his boss again. "He's a kid."
"He's earned his spot, Burroughs. The rest is up to you. Show him the ropes."
"I'm eager to learn," Wally nodded.
Aidan sighed. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever." He turned and walked out of the office and towards his desk.
The Lieutenant looked at Wally with a sigh. "Good luck."
1211