This is really good stuff! It sounds to me like the written introduction to a graphic novel, and the subject matter would work really well visually if you were planning on doing that. I have only one bit of constructive criticism and I wouldn't change anything else. The only thing I'd do is swap most of the commas for full stops. Your sentences are just a bit long and would work better as smaller sentences (try reading it out). Otherwise, it's awesome :) I feel like I've just watched an idealised grown up episode of He-Man. One other tiny thing, 'etc' doesn't really fit in this kind of prose but pretty much anything could replace it.
If you write any more, pass it on so I can read what happens :)
I'm glad you liked it :D The game that inspired this story is itself heavily inspired by anime and manga, and He-Man would be a very typical Child of the Dawn - in fact I played a character loosely based on He-Man last year. I even called my familiar Prince Adam!
Cheers for pointing out the 'etc', there was a couple in there originally as this was the background for a character in the Exalted RPG before I tweaked it. Seems my slightly frazzled mind missed it, which will teach me not to do important stuff at 11pm :D My worse habit when writing is to overuse all punctuation except for the full stop - I didn't realise that those two paragraphs are a sentence each! :/
I'm going to post an updated version of this, and then will come the second part. That'll be the introduction of his future ally, Iselsi Torisat (or as her friends call her, Tori) in my new journal tales_of_exalts later tonight :)
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If you write any more, pass it on so I can read what happens :)
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Cheers for pointing out the 'etc', there was a couple in there originally as this was the background for a character in the Exalted RPG before I tweaked it. Seems my slightly frazzled mind missed it, which will teach me not to do important stuff at 11pm :D
My worse habit when writing is to overuse all punctuation except for the full stop - I didn't realise that those two paragraphs are a sentence each! :/
I'm going to post an updated version of this, and then will come the second part. That'll be the introduction of his future ally, Iselsi Torisat (or as her friends call her, Tori) in my new journal tales_of_exalts later tonight :)
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