We'll Always Have Holby : pt 4
We'll Always Have Holby
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
She couldn't help herself but no matter how hard she tried to stop the tears streamed down her face. In the beginning she had hurriedly wiped them away, vanity meaning that she did not want to be observed, sat in the car park, crying her eyes out. However, when she realised that there was nothing she could do but just let them come she gave up trying and just sat there, her head rolled back on the seat, and let her emotions take over.
Just tired, she told herself. So, so tired. And she couldn't imagine what that little girl was going through right now. Alone in a country where she barely spoke the language, being told that she was going home. Snezana had come with her, introduced her to the little girl and explained what was going to happen. She'd also taught Maggie a handful of words in Serbian to be able to communicate with Natasa. There was a small irony in the fact that the word for friend in Serbian was 'drug'. A part of her old life being carried over into this new adventure.
It was then that she realised it wasn't just for Natasa that she was crying. She had left Holby. With everything the board had understood her wishes and granted an immediate termination of her contract that morning. She was a free woman with their most sincere apologies. Afterwards a few of them had spoken to her personally and assured her that if she ever wanted to return then there would be a place for her. Charlie probably had a hand in that.
She had spoken with Immigration; they had agreed to her request of delaying their deportation so that she could arrange everything. They were far from heartless and seemed almost relieved that they would be able to hand over guardianship to someone else. It was easier dealing with illegals who just wanted to be here. When it came to those who needed to be anywhere else than home it was impossible to not have the heart strings pulled at, let alone tugged at.
Eventually the tears slowed and dried on her cheeks, but still she made no move. Her mind was made up, the decision set in motion. All that was left to do was to summon up the courage to see it through.
~~
He'd given her a key. As she climbed the steps to the front door she remembered it was tucked in her pocket like something she shouldn't really have. Not for a second date at least. When she'd finally made to leave that morning he'd pressed it into her hand, wouldn't hear a word in protest.
There was no formality between them any more, not that there had been much of it to begin with. So easily they had fallen into this new routine and she was already feeling comfortable and complacent in this new life unfolding before her. Within the last twenty four hours she had opened her eyes and finally seen that which had always been in front of her; this family, this love that was hers for the keeping.
The key slid effortlessly into the lock and she had to shift her bag back onto her shoulder in order to be able to open the door. Once inside she dropped her things in the hallway and made her way through to the kitchen where she knew he would be waiting for her.
She remember this from her marriage. No. Even before that. What it was like coming home to a loving partner. The conversations about their day, the jokes and little touches. It had taken her and Steve a long time to get to that part; the part where you instinctively know someone else. With Charlie though, it was already there. Maybe because they had been friends for so long first, maybe because they'd worked so closely, side by side, they already knew the mannerisms of the other.
Or maybe this was just how it was meant to be. The way he put his hand over hers or the way that he would reach around her waist to get something from the other side of her instead of asking her to pass it over. They were like an old married couple already.
She helped him finish off dinner and the three of them sat down to what was to be the start of a pleasant evening. She felt completely at ease here and they were the same. There was none of the stilted awkwardness that came when the "new partner" came over. She was an old friend and this dinner passed as yet another one of those they'd shared over the years. Only before she and Charlie hadn't entwined their feet underneath the table.
For a fifteen year old, being made to stay in on a Saturday night was social death, and for the sake of some space and time alone together Charlie was happy to let him go. Another midnight curfew was imposed (this time without financial bribery) and with a slam of the door the two of them were left together.
And she knew exactly what was coming long before he made his move.
~~
The TV had been switched off in the opening minutes of the National Lottery show with a declaration that there was never anything good on TV these days. She lay back against his chest, feet on the sofa, and with his arms around her she began to relax, almost forget about the day that she'd had.
The conversation soon turned to her resignation. He wondered why she'd been at the hospital and not come down to see him. She'd explained that it was hard enough and she didn't want to disturb him. Truth was that she was avoiding him. Snezana had taken her straight to the detention centre where they'd spoken to Natasa, told her the news. She didn't want to have to look Charlie in the face before she'd gone, and didn't want to cry in front of him afterwards when she'd dropped Snezana back after her visit to Natasa. She felt like she was some hormonal teenager, slave to her emotions and prone to tears at the drop of a hat.
He talked a bit about the day he'd had, the new locum registrar that had been drafted in. She seemed alright but was deemed by all to not be a patch on their dearly departed Doctor Coldwell. Maggie laughed at being described as "dearly departed" and said that she wasn't dead yet and had no intention of being so for a long time yet. Charlie made a comment about 'death do us part' and she knew it was imminent. Now or never.
She got up and walked over to where she'd left her bag when she'd come in. Pulling the pieces of paper from it she returned to the living room to find him on his feet, hand shoved conspiratorially in a pocket that was obviously not empty.
He began to say something, leading up to the proposal but she quickly silenced him by holding out the confirmation email.
"I leave next week," she said quietly. "It's all booked."
He took the email from her, his empty hand leaving the pocket.
"I'm sorry, Charlie..."
~~
"You said you'd think about it."
"I never actually..."
"You implied it then."
"I made my mind up to go..."
"...so damn the rest of us?" he snapped.
Now she knew she'd hurt him. Badly. "Charlie, please..."
"Why do you have to book this now? And for next week?"
"Because Natasa and the others can't stay here. They've agreed to wait for me to sort things out here but they won't wait forever."
"Deportation is not an overnight thing, Maggie. You and I both know how long it can take to arrange everything..."
"It already is. They want to go home, Charlie. They're tired and upset and they're ready to leave."
"So you'll just drop everything and go with them? Like that?"
"You knew this was coming."
"Not this soon."
"Then when? In a few months? Maybe next year? Were you hoping that I'd just forget about my promise to Snezana? To Natasa?"
"You made that promise because you're a good person, Maggie. But can you just turn your back on your life here?"
"On you, you mean?" she countered a little harsher than she'd meant.
"I thought this meant something to you."
"This means everything to me."
"So much so that you can just walk away?"
"Just walk away? You think this is easy for me?"
"All I know is that nothing on this earth would make me leave you; that's how much I love you."
"Right, so now I don't love you."
"I didn't say that."
"You implied it."
They stopped for a moment, the verbal sparring between them something new and unwelcome. They'd fought before, sure, but never like this.
"I can't stay just because you want me to," she said eventually.
"Wasn't expecting you to cut and run at the first opportunity though."
"I am not...!" she began, then stopped herself. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." He put his hand back into his pocket and making no move to hide it, he pulled out the ring box. He caught the look on her face and nodded. "You knew."
"Yeah. Because I know you," she said softly, taking the first steps towards him. "I knew that at some point you were going to ask me again."
"If we'd not been interrupted at the court, you'd have given me an answer."
She nodded.
"Which would have been...?"
"Things were different then."
"That's not an answer."
"No, it's not. But then you're not asking the same question," she said. "Why were you going to propose tonight?"
"Because I want you to be my wife."
"Because you want me to stay and be your wife. Because if I were to leave you want some kind of tie to you."
"I don't want to lose you."
"Who said anything about losing me?"
"It's what's going to happen if you go," he said. "You can make all the promises you want, but if you get on that flight then you and I might as well call it quits."
"Is that what you want?" she asked, stung a little by his attitude.
"Of course it's not!"
"Then why...?"
"Because this is what happens. People leave and relationships end. You can talk all you want about long distance relationships, about still being in love, but it doesn't work like that. You have to be here, you have to work at it."
"Charlie..."
"You're obviously determined to get out of here as fast as you can so why don't I make it easier for you? There's no obligation here, Maggie. Nothing to come back for. Go do whatever it is you feel you have to do."
He walked out of the living room, leaving her stood in the stunned silence. When she heard him clattering the pots and pans about she found her feet and went to join him.
"Want to tell me what all that was about?" she asked.
He stopped what he was doing, planting his hands on the work surface but keeping his back to her.
"Long distance doesn't work. You can say all the right things, tell yourself it's for the best, but..."
"I love you," she whispered. "That has to count for something."
"Yeah, it should," he said, finally turning around. "And Baz loved me too. So much so that at our wedding reception she tells me that she's taking a job in Birmingham. If it didn't work when there's just the M6 between us, how is it going to work when you're halfway 'round the world?"
"Charlie..." she said softly, finally seeing his point of view.
"You and I don't stand a chance."
That stopped her. "Why? Because one marriage fails this relationship will too? You're not the only one who's gotten a divorce, Charlie."
"No, that wasn't what I meant," he said. "I mean, Baz and I..."
Then he stopped.
The trouble with getting involved with your best friend was that they already knew you. They understood how you thought, how your mind worked. When Maggie took a step back he knew that she understood all too well what he'd almost said.
Baz and I were different.
"I'm not replacing her, Charlie. Not for you, not for Louis."
"I know, I know..."
"And yeah, this is different. I'm not the love of your life."
"I didn't say that."
"You just implied it. You and Baz were different. I know what she was to you, I know what losing her did to you. And I thought you were over that, over her. Guess I was wrong."
"I am," he said.
"Then tell me I've got it all wrong. Tell me that you're not convinced we can't do this because it all went wrong with the only woman you've loved."
"The only other woman," he corrected. "You and Baz are the only two people I have..."
"Am I wrong?" she asked again, her voice quiet. When he said nothing, she didn't either. She turned and walked away, picking up her bag from the hallway as she left, closing the door behind her.
tbc...
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
She couldn't help herself but no matter how hard she tried to stop the tears streamed down her face. In the beginning she had hurriedly wiped them away, vanity meaning that she did not want to be observed, sat in the car park, crying her eyes out. However, when she realised that there was nothing she could do but just let them come she gave up trying and just sat there, her head rolled back on the seat, and let her emotions take over.
Just tired, she told herself. So, so tired. And she couldn't imagine what that little girl was going through right now. Alone in a country where she barely spoke the language, being told that she was going home. Snezana had come with her, introduced her to the little girl and explained what was going to happen. She'd also taught Maggie a handful of words in Serbian to be able to communicate with Natasa. There was a small irony in the fact that the word for friend in Serbian was 'drug'. A part of her old life being carried over into this new adventure.
It was then that she realised it wasn't just for Natasa that she was crying. She had left Holby. With everything the board had understood her wishes and granted an immediate termination of her contract that morning. She was a free woman with their most sincere apologies. Afterwards a few of them had spoken to her personally and assured her that if she ever wanted to return then there would be a place for her. Charlie probably had a hand in that.
She had spoken with Immigration; they had agreed to her request of delaying their deportation so that she could arrange everything. They were far from heartless and seemed almost relieved that they would be able to hand over guardianship to someone else. It was easier dealing with illegals who just wanted to be here. When it came to those who needed to be anywhere else than home it was impossible to not have the heart strings pulled at, let alone tugged at.
Eventually the tears slowed and dried on her cheeks, but still she made no move. Her mind was made up, the decision set in motion. All that was left to do was to summon up the courage to see it through.
~~
He'd given her a key. As she climbed the steps to the front door she remembered it was tucked in her pocket like something she shouldn't really have. Not for a second date at least. When she'd finally made to leave that morning he'd pressed it into her hand, wouldn't hear a word in protest.
There was no formality between them any more, not that there had been much of it to begin with. So easily they had fallen into this new routine and she was already feeling comfortable and complacent in this new life unfolding before her. Within the last twenty four hours she had opened her eyes and finally seen that which had always been in front of her; this family, this love that was hers for the keeping.
The key slid effortlessly into the lock and she had to shift her bag back onto her shoulder in order to be able to open the door. Once inside she dropped her things in the hallway and made her way through to the kitchen where she knew he would be waiting for her.
She remember this from her marriage. No. Even before that. What it was like coming home to a loving partner. The conversations about their day, the jokes and little touches. It had taken her and Steve a long time to get to that part; the part where you instinctively know someone else. With Charlie though, it was already there. Maybe because they had been friends for so long first, maybe because they'd worked so closely, side by side, they already knew the mannerisms of the other.
Or maybe this was just how it was meant to be. The way he put his hand over hers or the way that he would reach around her waist to get something from the other side of her instead of asking her to pass it over. They were like an old married couple already.
She helped him finish off dinner and the three of them sat down to what was to be the start of a pleasant evening. She felt completely at ease here and they were the same. There was none of the stilted awkwardness that came when the "new partner" came over. She was an old friend and this dinner passed as yet another one of those they'd shared over the years. Only before she and Charlie hadn't entwined their feet underneath the table.
For a fifteen year old, being made to stay in on a Saturday night was social death, and for the sake of some space and time alone together Charlie was happy to let him go. Another midnight curfew was imposed (this time without financial bribery) and with a slam of the door the two of them were left together.
And she knew exactly what was coming long before he made his move.
~~
The TV had been switched off in the opening minutes of the National Lottery show with a declaration that there was never anything good on TV these days. She lay back against his chest, feet on the sofa, and with his arms around her she began to relax, almost forget about the day that she'd had.
The conversation soon turned to her resignation. He wondered why she'd been at the hospital and not come down to see him. She'd explained that it was hard enough and she didn't want to disturb him. Truth was that she was avoiding him. Snezana had taken her straight to the detention centre where they'd spoken to Natasa, told her the news. She didn't want to have to look Charlie in the face before she'd gone, and didn't want to cry in front of him afterwards when she'd dropped Snezana back after her visit to Natasa. She felt like she was some hormonal teenager, slave to her emotions and prone to tears at the drop of a hat.
He talked a bit about the day he'd had, the new locum registrar that had been drafted in. She seemed alright but was deemed by all to not be a patch on their dearly departed Doctor Coldwell. Maggie laughed at being described as "dearly departed" and said that she wasn't dead yet and had no intention of being so for a long time yet. Charlie made a comment about 'death do us part' and she knew it was imminent. Now or never.
She got up and walked over to where she'd left her bag when she'd come in. Pulling the pieces of paper from it she returned to the living room to find him on his feet, hand shoved conspiratorially in a pocket that was obviously not empty.
He began to say something, leading up to the proposal but she quickly silenced him by holding out the confirmation email.
"I leave next week," she said quietly. "It's all booked."
He took the email from her, his empty hand leaving the pocket.
"I'm sorry, Charlie..."
~~
"You said you'd think about it."
"I never actually..."
"You implied it then."
"I made my mind up to go..."
"...so damn the rest of us?" he snapped.
Now she knew she'd hurt him. Badly. "Charlie, please..."
"Why do you have to book this now? And for next week?"
"Because Natasa and the others can't stay here. They've agreed to wait for me to sort things out here but they won't wait forever."
"Deportation is not an overnight thing, Maggie. You and I both know how long it can take to arrange everything..."
"It already is. They want to go home, Charlie. They're tired and upset and they're ready to leave."
"So you'll just drop everything and go with them? Like that?"
"You knew this was coming."
"Not this soon."
"Then when? In a few months? Maybe next year? Were you hoping that I'd just forget about my promise to Snezana? To Natasa?"
"You made that promise because you're a good person, Maggie. But can you just turn your back on your life here?"
"On you, you mean?" she countered a little harsher than she'd meant.
"I thought this meant something to you."
"This means everything to me."
"So much so that you can just walk away?"
"Just walk away? You think this is easy for me?"
"All I know is that nothing on this earth would make me leave you; that's how much I love you."
"Right, so now I don't love you."
"I didn't say that."
"You implied it."
They stopped for a moment, the verbal sparring between them something new and unwelcome. They'd fought before, sure, but never like this.
"I can't stay just because you want me to," she said eventually.
"Wasn't expecting you to cut and run at the first opportunity though."
"I am not...!" she began, then stopped herself. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." He put his hand back into his pocket and making no move to hide it, he pulled out the ring box. He caught the look on her face and nodded. "You knew."
"Yeah. Because I know you," she said softly, taking the first steps towards him. "I knew that at some point you were going to ask me again."
"If we'd not been interrupted at the court, you'd have given me an answer."
She nodded.
"Which would have been...?"
"Things were different then."
"That's not an answer."
"No, it's not. But then you're not asking the same question," she said. "Why were you going to propose tonight?"
"Because I want you to be my wife."
"Because you want me to stay and be your wife. Because if I were to leave you want some kind of tie to you."
"I don't want to lose you."
"Who said anything about losing me?"
"It's what's going to happen if you go," he said. "You can make all the promises you want, but if you get on that flight then you and I might as well call it quits."
"Is that what you want?" she asked, stung a little by his attitude.
"Of course it's not!"
"Then why...?"
"Because this is what happens. People leave and relationships end. You can talk all you want about long distance relationships, about still being in love, but it doesn't work like that. You have to be here, you have to work at it."
"Charlie..."
"You're obviously determined to get out of here as fast as you can so why don't I make it easier for you? There's no obligation here, Maggie. Nothing to come back for. Go do whatever it is you feel you have to do."
He walked out of the living room, leaving her stood in the stunned silence. When she heard him clattering the pots and pans about she found her feet and went to join him.
"Want to tell me what all that was about?" she asked.
He stopped what he was doing, planting his hands on the work surface but keeping his back to her.
"Long distance doesn't work. You can say all the right things, tell yourself it's for the best, but..."
"I love you," she whispered. "That has to count for something."
"Yeah, it should," he said, finally turning around. "And Baz loved me too. So much so that at our wedding reception she tells me that she's taking a job in Birmingham. If it didn't work when there's just the M6 between us, how is it going to work when you're halfway 'round the world?"
"Charlie..." she said softly, finally seeing his point of view.
"You and I don't stand a chance."
That stopped her. "Why? Because one marriage fails this relationship will too? You're not the only one who's gotten a divorce, Charlie."
"No, that wasn't what I meant," he said. "I mean, Baz and I..."
Then he stopped.
The trouble with getting involved with your best friend was that they already knew you. They understood how you thought, how your mind worked. When Maggie took a step back he knew that she understood all too well what he'd almost said.
Baz and I were different.
"I'm not replacing her, Charlie. Not for you, not for Louis."
"I know, I know..."
"And yeah, this is different. I'm not the love of your life."
"I didn't say that."
"You just implied it. You and Baz were different. I know what she was to you, I know what losing her did to you. And I thought you were over that, over her. Guess I was wrong."
"I am," he said.
"Then tell me I've got it all wrong. Tell me that you're not convinced we can't do this because it all went wrong with the only woman you've loved."
"The only other woman," he corrected. "You and Baz are the only two people I have..."
"Am I wrong?" she asked again, her voice quiet. When he said nothing, she didn't either. She turned and walked away, picking up her bag from the hallway as she left, closing the door behind her.
tbc...