Things to Do When the Universe Ends, parts 11 and 12
Title: Things to Do When the Universe Ends, parts 11 and 12
Rating: 15
Setting: Post-season 4 for Ten, way after Chosen for Dawn.
Characters: The Tenth Doctor, Dawn and a couple of OC’s later.
Word count: 518 and 555
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. They’re not Morag’s either.
Summary: The Doctor's had odd companions before. Still, it's not every day you pick up an anthromorphic embodiment of a principle sitting around at the end of the Universe, is it? Now, if only he could get over the feeling that SHE picked HIM up.
Author's Notes: Written by myself and MoragMacPherson cliffhanger style, desperately trying to stump each other. She does the first part in each post, I do the second.
Part 11 - Locking Up Chekhov's Armory
“Y’know, it’s traditional among your run-of-the-mill guardsmen everywhere to take us to your leader before you clap us in chains,”remarked the Doctor as handcuffs were placed on his wrists behind the back.
Chet, the guard who’d firmly secured the Doctor’s bonds, spun his captive around and waved the sonic screwdriver in front of his face.“And I suppose this little item here is perfectly harmless and could in no way help you escape?”
Clark grunted as he was bound in much the same way as the Doctor was.“Well, it’sh not like you had to take my gun and bulletshs away theeing as you’ve tied my armsh together tho tight.”
Dawn, who was strapped around one of the horses, lifted her head.“Yeah, and I think that putting Emort into that hamster ball is just excessive.”
Chet mounted the horse in front of Dawn. “Just because we’re in the hire of a woman named Mad Miriam doesn’t necessarily imply that we’re morons, folks. Now you three have been trespassing on her property, which implies that you might actually be the morons. Of course, given the interesting item that we’ve already delivered to our sanity-challenged employer, you also might just be adventurers. Which, as far as I’m considered, just makes you a particular flavor of moron.” Chet’s minions had finished mounting their horses and held ropes which pulled Clark and the Doctor by a collar at the neck. “So let’s get a move on, and I really hope you don’t have any bright escape ideas before Mad Miriam figures out what to do with you and your property.”
The ride to the factory was uneventful. Clark and Emort both failed to chew through their bonds. Dawn couldn’t wriggle off of the horse and found that, combined with her earlier drinking, the motion of the horse made her nauseous. The Doctor thought about breaking his own thumb in order to escape the cuffs, but decided that such action was still premature, considering that they were being escorted to exactly where they wanted to go.
Finally they came to a courtyard in Mad Miriam’s estate. Clark’s gun belt, the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver, and Emort’s hamster ball were laid in a pile in the middle of the square. Dawn was taken off the horse and bound in a manner similar to her friends. Chet had his men check the fastness of each and every knot and lock: all was in order. Afterwards they were led to a long hall, at the end of which stood the TARDIS.
Dawn leaned towards the Doctor and Clark. “Have you ever heard of something called deus ex machina?”
“Yes,” said the Doctor.
“Do you think one’s coming to save us?”
“It would be nithe if one did.”
Dawn nodded. “However, short of that, I really hope you have a plan.‘Cause I’m fresh out.”
Chet cleared his throat. “I can hear you, y’know.”
They reached the end of the hall. A tall, thin, elderly lady who could only be Mad Miriam stood next to the TARDIS. “All right. You’ve got ten seconds to explain why Chet shouldn’t shoot you right here and now.”
Part 12 - Think Fast, Talk Faster
The Doctor sighed loudly, managing to sound impressively bored, which is not is easy as it appears when surrounded by armed men. A trick Dawn had picked up over the years through various kidnappings, but still fun to watch someone else pull off.
“Look,” he said, “This is all very simply a matter of miscommunications and misunderstandings and I’m sure we can work this out in a peaceful and civilised way.”
Mad Miriam didn’t look impressed. “Four, three, two….” she continued.
“We’re from the IRS!” yelped the Doctor quickly.
Mad Miriam froze. Chet jerked a little. And the rest of the guards almost seemed to draw back away from them.
After a moment, Mad Miriam spoke. “….The Interstellar Revenue Service is looking into my holdings?”
“More validating the expenses claimed, and wondering if they might be of a more excessive than normal nature,” Dawn said sweetly, stepping forward next to the Doctor. He flashed her a quick glance combining exasperation and gratitude.
“Your outgoings appear to be of a greater amount than most currently supported Planetary Governors, although combined with an interesting pattern of purchases from certain suppliers” he continued.
“Not to mention current replacements costs at the factory are running at a 5.4% variance rate from the standard deviations,” bluffed Dawn.
The Doctor nodded. “As my assistant has mentioned, the factory is a prime consideration in our investigation and we will be needing a closer look at the premises.”
“And in particular, their environmental impact on the local ecology,” finished Dawn smugly.
Mad Miriam suddenly looked a lot more worried. “My credentials are in my top pocket, if you’d just care to inspect them,” the Doctor said, “I’d get them myself, but I’m a little tied up at the moment.”
Mad Miriam flushed, and gestured for Chet to step forward. Reaching into the Doctor’s jacket, he pulled out a thin brown wallet and opened it gingerly. From Dawn’s admittedly limited viewpoint, it appeared absolutely blank, and her heart sank. However, given the degree of paleness that Chet turned, maybe he was seeing something that she wasn’t.
Chet carried it over to Mad Miriam, who also turned a little paler on reading it. “Well, Inspector Smith, this certainly seems to be…. a valid…. well, um, yes.” She glared at Chet and the other guards. “Well, don’t just stand there,” she snapped, “Untie them!”
Soon, Clark, the Doctor and Dawn were all free of their restraints. Dawn immediately made a beeline for Emort, and stood there, clutching his hamster ball protectively to her chest.
“I swear I thought the ornamental shrubbery was claimable back,” Mad Miriam said quickly, “Naturally, I’m prepared to repay the money in question.”
At the back of the room, a particularly grizzled and thoughtful looking guard raised his hand. “Just one small question if I may?”
Dawn looked at the Doctor. The Doctor looked at Dawn. “Oh, I don’t like this guy already,” she muttered under her breath.
Mad Miriam frowned. “Oh, I’m sure we don’t want to bother the inspector too much….” she said weakly.
“Oh, I was just wondering why they were talking about breaking in and stealing their blue box back when we first captured them, maam.”
Mad Miriam blinked. “That’s actually a rather good question. Inspector?”
The Doctor grimaced. “I’m glad you asked me that,” he said, lying through his teeth, “The TARDIS contains all our monitoring equipment, and we were hoping to be able to do this survey without too much bother to the local populace. And the Planetary Governor naturally.”
The guard scratched his stubble along his jaw. “And if she’s your assistant, then the lizard guy?”
The Doctor beamed. “Someone has to carry the equipment after all!”
“And the hamster?”
The Doctor’s face fell. “Ahh….”
Dawn quickly stepped forward. “For the environmental testing, of course. And he’s a vole, thankyouverymuch!”
Mad Miriam tilted her head in thought, brows furrowed in suspicion. “I believe the fair compromise at the moment is to confine Inspector Smith and his staff to quarters, while I contact Sector Headquarters for confirmation that they’re genuine,” she eventually said. She was no longer smiling at the Doctor.
“Well, it’sh thtill better than being thhot,” rumbled Clark resignedly as the guards indicated which way to go.
“And do another scan to make sure there aren’t any other surprises lurking around,” ordered Mad Miriam as they exited.
Ten minutes later, the Doctor was nodding approvingly as he glanced around the cell they were now in. “Good solid walls, high-up barred window just out of reach, guards stationed within eyeline… all in all, I give this high marks out of my experience in being locked up.”
“Nice to be dealing with professionals,” muttered Dawn in a highly sarcastic tone as she threw herself down on the bed.
The door opened and two guards stepped inside, one with a scanner and a puzzled look, the other with a charged pulse-rifle. Everyone prudently decided to give them room.
“Look,” said the first guard, “This simply cannot be correct - look at it. Six different heartbeats registered, and only four people in here. It’s broken.”
“Oh, that old problem,” the Doctor said brightly, “I’ve got two hearts, so that’s probably what’s causing the whole….. did you say six heartbeats?”
“Okay, that’s two from you, sir,” said the first guard, fiddling with the scanner, “One from your lizard porter, one from the hams…vole, which makes four…”
Dawn looked up from her slumped position on the bed. “What?” she said, “Why is everyone looking at me suddenly?”
The guard gulped, looked down at his scanner again, and then back at her. “Two heartbeats alright. Are…. Are you pregnant, maam?”
Rating: 15
Setting: Post-season 4 for Ten, way after Chosen for Dawn.
Characters: The Tenth Doctor, Dawn and a couple of OC’s later.
Word count: 518 and 555
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. They’re not Morag’s either.
Summary: The Doctor's had odd companions before. Still, it's not every day you pick up an anthromorphic embodiment of a principle sitting around at the end of the Universe, is it? Now, if only he could get over the feeling that SHE picked HIM up.
Author's Notes: Written by myself and MoragMacPherson cliffhanger style, desperately trying to stump each other. She does the first part in each post, I do the second.
Part 11 - Locking Up Chekhov's Armory
“Y’know, it’s traditional among your run-of-the-mill guardsmen everywhere to take us to your leader before you clap us in chains,”remarked the Doctor as handcuffs were placed on his wrists behind the back.
Chet, the guard who’d firmly secured the Doctor’s bonds, spun his captive around and waved the sonic screwdriver in front of his face.“And I suppose this little item here is perfectly harmless and could in no way help you escape?”
Clark grunted as he was bound in much the same way as the Doctor was.“Well, it’sh not like you had to take my gun and bulletshs away theeing as you’ve tied my armsh together tho tight.”
Dawn, who was strapped around one of the horses, lifted her head.“Yeah, and I think that putting Emort into that hamster ball is just excessive.”
Chet mounted the horse in front of Dawn. “Just because we’re in the hire of a woman named Mad Miriam doesn’t necessarily imply that we’re morons, folks. Now you three have been trespassing on her property, which implies that you might actually be the morons. Of course, given the interesting item that we’ve already delivered to our sanity-challenged employer, you also might just be adventurers. Which, as far as I’m considered, just makes you a particular flavor of moron.” Chet’s minions had finished mounting their horses and held ropes which pulled Clark and the Doctor by a collar at the neck. “So let’s get a move on, and I really hope you don’t have any bright escape ideas before Mad Miriam figures out what to do with you and your property.”
The ride to the factory was uneventful. Clark and Emort both failed to chew through their bonds. Dawn couldn’t wriggle off of the horse and found that, combined with her earlier drinking, the motion of the horse made her nauseous. The Doctor thought about breaking his own thumb in order to escape the cuffs, but decided that such action was still premature, considering that they were being escorted to exactly where they wanted to go.
Finally they came to a courtyard in Mad Miriam’s estate. Clark’s gun belt, the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver, and Emort’s hamster ball were laid in a pile in the middle of the square. Dawn was taken off the horse and bound in a manner similar to her friends. Chet had his men check the fastness of each and every knot and lock: all was in order. Afterwards they were led to a long hall, at the end of which stood the TARDIS.
Dawn leaned towards the Doctor and Clark. “Have you ever heard of something called deus ex machina?”
“Yes,” said the Doctor.
“Do you think one’s coming to save us?”
“It would be nithe if one did.”
Dawn nodded. “However, short of that, I really hope you have a plan.‘Cause I’m fresh out.”
Chet cleared his throat. “I can hear you, y’know.”
They reached the end of the hall. A tall, thin, elderly lady who could only be Mad Miriam stood next to the TARDIS. “All right. You’ve got ten seconds to explain why Chet shouldn’t shoot you right here and now.”
Part 12 - Think Fast, Talk Faster
The Doctor sighed loudly, managing to sound impressively bored, which is not is easy as it appears when surrounded by armed men. A trick Dawn had picked up over the years through various kidnappings, but still fun to watch someone else pull off.
“Look,” he said, “This is all very simply a matter of miscommunications and misunderstandings and I’m sure we can work this out in a peaceful and civilised way.”
Mad Miriam didn’t look impressed. “Four, three, two….” she continued.
“We’re from the IRS!” yelped the Doctor quickly.
Mad Miriam froze. Chet jerked a little. And the rest of the guards almost seemed to draw back away from them.
After a moment, Mad Miriam spoke. “….The Interstellar Revenue Service is looking into my holdings?”
“More validating the expenses claimed, and wondering if they might be of a more excessive than normal nature,” Dawn said sweetly, stepping forward next to the Doctor. He flashed her a quick glance combining exasperation and gratitude.
“Your outgoings appear to be of a greater amount than most currently supported Planetary Governors, although combined with an interesting pattern of purchases from certain suppliers” he continued.
“Not to mention current replacements costs at the factory are running at a 5.4% variance rate from the standard deviations,” bluffed Dawn.
The Doctor nodded. “As my assistant has mentioned, the factory is a prime consideration in our investigation and we will be needing a closer look at the premises.”
“And in particular, their environmental impact on the local ecology,” finished Dawn smugly.
Mad Miriam suddenly looked a lot more worried. “My credentials are in my top pocket, if you’d just care to inspect them,” the Doctor said, “I’d get them myself, but I’m a little tied up at the moment.”
Mad Miriam flushed, and gestured for Chet to step forward. Reaching into the Doctor’s jacket, he pulled out a thin brown wallet and opened it gingerly. From Dawn’s admittedly limited viewpoint, it appeared absolutely blank, and her heart sank. However, given the degree of paleness that Chet turned, maybe he was seeing something that she wasn’t.
Chet carried it over to Mad Miriam, who also turned a little paler on reading it. “Well, Inspector Smith, this certainly seems to be…. a valid…. well, um, yes.” She glared at Chet and the other guards. “Well, don’t just stand there,” she snapped, “Untie them!”
Soon, Clark, the Doctor and Dawn were all free of their restraints. Dawn immediately made a beeline for Emort, and stood there, clutching his hamster ball protectively to her chest.
“I swear I thought the ornamental shrubbery was claimable back,” Mad Miriam said quickly, “Naturally, I’m prepared to repay the money in question.”
At the back of the room, a particularly grizzled and thoughtful looking guard raised his hand. “Just one small question if I may?”
Dawn looked at the Doctor. The Doctor looked at Dawn. “Oh, I don’t like this guy already,” she muttered under her breath.
Mad Miriam frowned. “Oh, I’m sure we don’t want to bother the inspector too much….” she said weakly.
“Oh, I was just wondering why they were talking about breaking in and stealing their blue box back when we first captured them, maam.”
Mad Miriam blinked. “That’s actually a rather good question. Inspector?”
The Doctor grimaced. “I’m glad you asked me that,” he said, lying through his teeth, “The TARDIS contains all our monitoring equipment, and we were hoping to be able to do this survey without too much bother to the local populace. And the Planetary Governor naturally.”
The guard scratched his stubble along his jaw. “And if she’s your assistant, then the lizard guy?”
The Doctor beamed. “Someone has to carry the equipment after all!”
“And the hamster?”
The Doctor’s face fell. “Ahh….”
Dawn quickly stepped forward. “For the environmental testing, of course. And he’s a vole, thankyouverymuch!”
Mad Miriam tilted her head in thought, brows furrowed in suspicion. “I believe the fair compromise at the moment is to confine Inspector Smith and his staff to quarters, while I contact Sector Headquarters for confirmation that they’re genuine,” she eventually said. She was no longer smiling at the Doctor.
“Well, it’sh thtill better than being thhot,” rumbled Clark resignedly as the guards indicated which way to go.
“And do another scan to make sure there aren’t any other surprises lurking around,” ordered Mad Miriam as they exited.
Ten minutes later, the Doctor was nodding approvingly as he glanced around the cell they were now in. “Good solid walls, high-up barred window just out of reach, guards stationed within eyeline… all in all, I give this high marks out of my experience in being locked up.”
“Nice to be dealing with professionals,” muttered Dawn in a highly sarcastic tone as she threw herself down on the bed.
The door opened and two guards stepped inside, one with a scanner and a puzzled look, the other with a charged pulse-rifle. Everyone prudently decided to give them room.
“Look,” said the first guard, “This simply cannot be correct - look at it. Six different heartbeats registered, and only four people in here. It’s broken.”
“Oh, that old problem,” the Doctor said brightly, “I’ve got two hearts, so that’s probably what’s causing the whole….. did you say six heartbeats?”
“Okay, that’s two from you, sir,” said the first guard, fiddling with the scanner, “One from your lizard porter, one from the hams…vole, which makes four…”
Dawn looked up from her slumped position on the bed. “What?” she said, “Why is everyone looking at me suddenly?”
The guard gulped, looked down at his scanner again, and then back at her. “Two heartbeats alright. Are…. Are you pregnant, maam?”