Howard Moon's Guide to Being Classy (6/6)
Title: Howard Moon's Guide to Being Classy
Author: savanna_says_hi
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Rating: PG with swearing and snogging
Warning: Fluff. And Bob Fossil.
Disclaimer: Even after 6 chapters, I still don't own them.
A/N: It's the last chapter! Thanks to everyone who read and/or and commented.
Something heavy is sitting on Howard’s chest, and not metaphorically this time. It’s still very early, though; he can tell by the amount of light filtering through his eyelids. Just as he decides to sleep now and investigate later, there’s a loud crash, and a voice yells, “Wakey-wakey time!”
The thing on his chest shifts. Howard grudgingly opens his eyes and discovers that the thing is Vince, who is practically draped over him like a sleepy cat. He’s glaring at something, although embarrassment and a bit of pride are blocking Howard’s view of it. Also Vince’s hair.
He blinks as Vince says, “It’s 6 o’clock! Go away!”
Howard focuses. Bob Fossil is standing in the doorway. Dear God, why?
“Oh.” Fossil looks down at his wrist, on which there is nothing but a staple buried in his skin. Does he fight with that thing and lose or what? “I knew that!”
Then he leaves, slamming the door behind him. It bounces off the frame and flies backwards, hitting the wall and staying there.
“He broke the hinges,” Howard says. He means for it to come out sounding incredulous, but it just sounds very sleepy.
“Hmm,” Vince says. He surveys the damage from the vantage point of Howard’s upper body. “Didn’t know he was that strong.”
There’s a pause. Then Vince says, “Work starts in three hours. Did you set the alarm?”
“Yeah,” Howard says.
They both go back to sleep.
When Fossil comes back, Vince and Howard are actually awake and eating breakfast while having a heated discussion about the pandas.
“I honestly think she’s lonely,” Vince says. “I mean, she won’t even speak to me! You’d have to be very depressed to not want to talk to me.”
“She’s got the male panda, she could…I dunno…make something happen if she wanted to, I don’t see what the big deal is-”
“I think he’s rude to her, and that’s why she doesn’t like him.”
“I don’t-”
“GOOD MORNING!” Fossil screams.
“No door to break down this time,” Vince says. “How sad.”
“Oh, Vincey,” Fossil says, “there are lots of things that make me sad. Like soggy pancakes.”
There’s a pause, then Howard says, “Yeah, those are quite rotten.”
“Anyway! Bainbridge has an assignment for you. A very, very special assignment that he told me personally.”
“Another lion escape?” Vince asks nonchalantly. “Just find an antelope, that’ll sort itself right out.”
“No!” Fossil says. “Besides, we’re out of antelopes.”
“Out of antelopes?” Howard whispers to Vince. Vince shrugs.
“SHUT UP! This is a very scary, long, and terrifying assignment!”
“You said ‘scary’ and ‘terrifying.’ Those are synonyms, meaning you don’t really need both of them-”
“YOU’RE GOING TO AMERICA TO CATCH A MAN-EATING SHREW! FIVE OTHER EMPLOYEES BEFORE YOU HAVE DIED! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?”
Howard is about to say, “Your voice is very loud,” but this information stops the words in his throat. Man-eating shrew? Shrews are small, but I’ve heard they can be nasty. And five employees? That is a bit terrifying. …Very terrifying.
“Man-eating shrew?” Vince asks. “Shrews are well tiny; they can’t eat men. Nibble their toes, maybe, give ‘em diseases-”
Fossil pulls a picture out of nowhere and brandishes it at them. “Have a look at this,” he says triumphantly. The shrew in the picture is, indeed, quite large. Howard involuntarily recoils a little.
“Yeah, not so tough now, are you?” Fossil asks. “Pack up, coz you’re leaving in an hour!”
“How’re we getting there?” Howard asks.
Fossil glances around shiftily. “By train.” And then he flees through the broken door.
“You can’t take a train to America!” Howard yells after him, but Vince claps a hand over his mouth and says, “Shh! Listen.”
From outside, Bainbridge says, “Did you tell them?”
“Yes, Bainbridge,” Fossil says. “They were very afraid.”
“Did you show them the picture?”
“Of the shrew in comparison to an ant, making it look really big? Yeah,” Fossil says, and he giggles. “They fell for it!”
“They always do,” Bainbridge says. “Good job, Bobby. Would you like some ice cream?”
“Oh, yes, Bainbridge!” Fossil squeaks. Then the voices die down to below hearing level.
“Two comments,” Vince says. “One, that was well disgusting. I’m glad we’re leaving that filth. And two, it was a trick shrew, so we’ve got nothing to worry about!” He smiles at Howard, who is staring into his cereal.
Vince’s smile disappears. “What’s wrong, Howard?”
“I wish I knew how long we’d be gone,” Howard says, “and therefore, how many shades of brown need to go in my suitcase. Also,” he pauses, looks at Vince, then looks away again, blushing, “I’m still a bit nervous.”
“Aw, c’mon, Howard,” Vince says. “It’s a shrew. The only way it’s eating us is if we shrink. Very, very small. It’s just not possible!”
“But five employees died!” Howard cries.
“Yeah, that part doesn’t sound too good,” Vince concedes. “But hey, think of all the fame we’d achieve if we come back alive!”
“If!” Howard shrieks. “That’s exactly it, Vince, I don’t wanna die!”
“Look, let’s just pack and make the best of this, yeah?” Vince is smiling. Howard sees this and it calms him, if only a little.
“All right.”
They pack in silence, but Howard’s mind never shuts up the entire time. They may very well die, both of them, on this assignment, and there’s something he has to say to Vince if this is indeed the case. True to form, he plans a speech, and when the packing is done about half an hour later, he corners Vince by the remains of their door. Not exactly the most ideal place, but he doesn’t want to postpone and therefore run the risk of forgetting his carefully-planned speech.
“Vince,” Howard says.
Vince drops a bag in the doorframe, turns around, and says, “Yeah?”
Howard takes a deep breath to steel his nerves, then reaches out and takes Vince’s hands in his own. Vince smiles, but there’s a questioning in his eyes.
“I have something I need to tell you,” Howard says.
Vince’s face falls. “Oh, no,” he says, “do you have a disease? Are you gonna die and leave me alone? I can’t face that shrew on my own, Howard, it’d destroy me!”
“No, no,” Howard says. “I just wanted to say that I’m…Vince, you’re so wonderful,” he gushes, surprising himself with his own sappy enthusiasm.
Vince smiles. “Well, that’s better news.”
Howard ignores him and rushes on through his speech. “You’re so wonderful, and amazing, and funny…and beautiful,” he adds, looking down at their shoes pointed towards each other.
Vince is smiling a half-smile of understanding. It’s taking all his willpower not to break out in a massive, blinding grin.
“Vince,” Howard says, looking back up into his eyes, “I…well…” Dammit, you’ve come this far. Just say it.
Vince’s smile grows. “I think I know what you want to say.”
“No, just, let me finish,” Howard says, insistent despite the rising blush on his face.
Vince smiles reassuringly at him and removes his hands from Howard’s.
A million thoughts, all very self-deprecating, race through Howard’s mind at once. Of course he doesn’t love you back. He really is perfect, and perfect people don’t end up with complete nutters like you. He doesn’t deserve-
Vince’s hands are on Howard’s face. This wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t in the script-then Vince kisses him hard on the mouth, and Howard is very glad he didn’t write this into the script, because he couldn’t have imagined it to be as good as it is.
It ends all too quickly. Vince smiles cheekily at him, his hands still on Howard’s face, and says, “Did you have something to tell me?”
This time, Howard has no problem articulating his thoughts. “I love you,” he says immediately, and Vince grins hugely.
Vince slides his hands down Howard’s neck and shoulders to end clasping around his back in a rib-breaking hug. His mouth touches Howard’s ear as he says, “I love you too, Howard.”
It takes Howard a minute to realize that this is reality and not a soon-to-be-depressing dream, and when he catches up, he wraps his arms around Vince just as tightly. Maybe they’ll have matching rib bruises.
Howard realizes he’s grinning like a complete idiot, and then he realizes that he can hide it in Vince’s hair. Just as he’s about to take advantage of this, however, Vince says, “This is gonna be okay, yeah?”
“What?” Howard asks.
Vince pulls away, but his hands remain on Howard’s shoulders. Howard holds him round the waist, unwilling to let go. “You know,” Vince says, “the assignment. The shrew. Us.”
Howard laughs. “Yeah,” he says. “It’ll be okay.”
Vince beams. “D’you know what we should do?”
“Hmm?”
“We should kiss some more. That was nice.”
Howard silently agrees, and pulls Vince to his chest, beaming.
From outside, Bob Fossil says, very quietly, “Good riddance…hey, where’s my ice cream?”
Other stuff:
I think this is Howard's theme song in this fic. I love Relient K. Plus the video is cute.
Also, I'm thinking about potentially writing a sequel detailing the shrew adventures. But I'm not sure.
Thank you for sticking with this fic! Hope you enjoyed.
Author: savanna_says_hi
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Rating: PG with swearing and snogging
Warning: Fluff. And Bob Fossil.
Disclaimer: Even after 6 chapters, I still don't own them.
A/N: It's the last chapter! Thanks to everyone who read and/or and commented.
Something heavy is sitting on Howard’s chest, and not metaphorically this time. It’s still very early, though; he can tell by the amount of light filtering through his eyelids. Just as he decides to sleep now and investigate later, there’s a loud crash, and a voice yells, “Wakey-wakey time!”
The thing on his chest shifts. Howard grudgingly opens his eyes and discovers that the thing is Vince, who is practically draped over him like a sleepy cat. He’s glaring at something, although embarrassment and a bit of pride are blocking Howard’s view of it. Also Vince’s hair.
He blinks as Vince says, “It’s 6 o’clock! Go away!”
Howard focuses. Bob Fossil is standing in the doorway. Dear God, why?
“Oh.” Fossil looks down at his wrist, on which there is nothing but a staple buried in his skin. Does he fight with that thing and lose or what? “I knew that!”
Then he leaves, slamming the door behind him. It bounces off the frame and flies backwards, hitting the wall and staying there.
“He broke the hinges,” Howard says. He means for it to come out sounding incredulous, but it just sounds very sleepy.
“Hmm,” Vince says. He surveys the damage from the vantage point of Howard’s upper body. “Didn’t know he was that strong.”
There’s a pause. Then Vince says, “Work starts in three hours. Did you set the alarm?”
“Yeah,” Howard says.
They both go back to sleep.
When Fossil comes back, Vince and Howard are actually awake and eating breakfast while having a heated discussion about the pandas.
“I honestly think she’s lonely,” Vince says. “I mean, she won’t even speak to me! You’d have to be very depressed to not want to talk to me.”
“She’s got the male panda, she could…I dunno…make something happen if she wanted to, I don’t see what the big deal is-”
“I think he’s rude to her, and that’s why she doesn’t like him.”
“I don’t-”
“GOOD MORNING!” Fossil screams.
“No door to break down this time,” Vince says. “How sad.”
“Oh, Vincey,” Fossil says, “there are lots of things that make me sad. Like soggy pancakes.”
There’s a pause, then Howard says, “Yeah, those are quite rotten.”
“Anyway! Bainbridge has an assignment for you. A very, very special assignment that he told me personally.”
“Another lion escape?” Vince asks nonchalantly. “Just find an antelope, that’ll sort itself right out.”
“No!” Fossil says. “Besides, we’re out of antelopes.”
“Out of antelopes?” Howard whispers to Vince. Vince shrugs.
“SHUT UP! This is a very scary, long, and terrifying assignment!”
“You said ‘scary’ and ‘terrifying.’ Those are synonyms, meaning you don’t really need both of them-”
“YOU’RE GOING TO AMERICA TO CATCH A MAN-EATING SHREW! FIVE OTHER EMPLOYEES BEFORE YOU HAVE DIED! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?”
Howard is about to say, “Your voice is very loud,” but this information stops the words in his throat. Man-eating shrew? Shrews are small, but I’ve heard they can be nasty. And five employees? That is a bit terrifying. …Very terrifying.
“Man-eating shrew?” Vince asks. “Shrews are well tiny; they can’t eat men. Nibble their toes, maybe, give ‘em diseases-”
Fossil pulls a picture out of nowhere and brandishes it at them. “Have a look at this,” he says triumphantly. The shrew in the picture is, indeed, quite large. Howard involuntarily recoils a little.
“Yeah, not so tough now, are you?” Fossil asks. “Pack up, coz you’re leaving in an hour!”
“How’re we getting there?” Howard asks.
Fossil glances around shiftily. “By train.” And then he flees through the broken door.
“You can’t take a train to America!” Howard yells after him, but Vince claps a hand over his mouth and says, “Shh! Listen.”
From outside, Bainbridge says, “Did you tell them?”
“Yes, Bainbridge,” Fossil says. “They were very afraid.”
“Did you show them the picture?”
“Of the shrew in comparison to an ant, making it look really big? Yeah,” Fossil says, and he giggles. “They fell for it!”
“They always do,” Bainbridge says. “Good job, Bobby. Would you like some ice cream?”
“Oh, yes, Bainbridge!” Fossil squeaks. Then the voices die down to below hearing level.
“Two comments,” Vince says. “One, that was well disgusting. I’m glad we’re leaving that filth. And two, it was a trick shrew, so we’ve got nothing to worry about!” He smiles at Howard, who is staring into his cereal.
Vince’s smile disappears. “What’s wrong, Howard?”
“I wish I knew how long we’d be gone,” Howard says, “and therefore, how many shades of brown need to go in my suitcase. Also,” he pauses, looks at Vince, then looks away again, blushing, “I’m still a bit nervous.”
“Aw, c’mon, Howard,” Vince says. “It’s a shrew. The only way it’s eating us is if we shrink. Very, very small. It’s just not possible!”
“But five employees died!” Howard cries.
“Yeah, that part doesn’t sound too good,” Vince concedes. “But hey, think of all the fame we’d achieve if we come back alive!”
“If!” Howard shrieks. “That’s exactly it, Vince, I don’t wanna die!”
“Look, let’s just pack and make the best of this, yeah?” Vince is smiling. Howard sees this and it calms him, if only a little.
“All right.”
They pack in silence, but Howard’s mind never shuts up the entire time. They may very well die, both of them, on this assignment, and there’s something he has to say to Vince if this is indeed the case. True to form, he plans a speech, and when the packing is done about half an hour later, he corners Vince by the remains of their door. Not exactly the most ideal place, but he doesn’t want to postpone and therefore run the risk of forgetting his carefully-planned speech.
“Vince,” Howard says.
Vince drops a bag in the doorframe, turns around, and says, “Yeah?”
Howard takes a deep breath to steel his nerves, then reaches out and takes Vince’s hands in his own. Vince smiles, but there’s a questioning in his eyes.
“I have something I need to tell you,” Howard says.
Vince’s face falls. “Oh, no,” he says, “do you have a disease? Are you gonna die and leave me alone? I can’t face that shrew on my own, Howard, it’d destroy me!”
“No, no,” Howard says. “I just wanted to say that I’m…Vince, you’re so wonderful,” he gushes, surprising himself with his own sappy enthusiasm.
Vince smiles. “Well, that’s better news.”
Howard ignores him and rushes on through his speech. “You’re so wonderful, and amazing, and funny…and beautiful,” he adds, looking down at their shoes pointed towards each other.
Vince is smiling a half-smile of understanding. It’s taking all his willpower not to break out in a massive, blinding grin.
“Vince,” Howard says, looking back up into his eyes, “I…well…” Dammit, you’ve come this far. Just say it.
Vince’s smile grows. “I think I know what you want to say.”
“No, just, let me finish,” Howard says, insistent despite the rising blush on his face.
Vince smiles reassuringly at him and removes his hands from Howard’s.
A million thoughts, all very self-deprecating, race through Howard’s mind at once. Of course he doesn’t love you back. He really is perfect, and perfect people don’t end up with complete nutters like you. He doesn’t deserve-
Vince’s hands are on Howard’s face. This wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t in the script-then Vince kisses him hard on the mouth, and Howard is very glad he didn’t write this into the script, because he couldn’t have imagined it to be as good as it is.
It ends all too quickly. Vince smiles cheekily at him, his hands still on Howard’s face, and says, “Did you have something to tell me?”
This time, Howard has no problem articulating his thoughts. “I love you,” he says immediately, and Vince grins hugely.
Vince slides his hands down Howard’s neck and shoulders to end clasping around his back in a rib-breaking hug. His mouth touches Howard’s ear as he says, “I love you too, Howard.”
It takes Howard a minute to realize that this is reality and not a soon-to-be-depressing dream, and when he catches up, he wraps his arms around Vince just as tightly. Maybe they’ll have matching rib bruises.
Howard realizes he’s grinning like a complete idiot, and then he realizes that he can hide it in Vince’s hair. Just as he’s about to take advantage of this, however, Vince says, “This is gonna be okay, yeah?”
“What?” Howard asks.
Vince pulls away, but his hands remain on Howard’s shoulders. Howard holds him round the waist, unwilling to let go. “You know,” Vince says, “the assignment. The shrew. Us.”
Howard laughs. “Yeah,” he says. “It’ll be okay.”
Vince beams. “D’you know what we should do?”
“Hmm?”
“We should kiss some more. That was nice.”
Howard silently agrees, and pulls Vince to his chest, beaming.
From outside, Bob Fossil says, very quietly, “Good riddance…hey, where’s my ice cream?”
Other stuff:
I think this is Howard's theme song in this fic. I love Relient K. Plus the video is cute.
Also, I'm thinking about potentially writing a sequel detailing the shrew adventures. But I'm not sure.
Thank you for sticking with this fic! Hope you enjoyed.