RENTfic: "Without You"
Title: Without You
Fandom: RENT
Characters: Roger/April
Prompt: #71: Broken
Word Count: 755.
Rating: R.
Summary: April isn't quite acting like herself, and Roger's wondering why.
Author's Notes: This was originally written for speed_rent challenge #208, which was to base a fic on the song The Origin of Love, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. The quote at the beginning is taken from that song, and is the part of the song that I used as my inspiration. Mentions of drug use, suicide, and non-graphic hetsex. I don't own RENT, or Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
Last time I saw you
We had just split in two
You were looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
'Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same pain as the one down in mine
That's the pain
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart
We called it love
So we wrapped our arms around each other
Trying to shove ourselves back together
We were making love
Making love
It was a cold dark evening
Such a long time ago
When by the mighty hand of Jove
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures
It's the story of
The origin of love
That's the origin of love
I thought I’d lost you. I awoke to find that I was alone in our bed, and I thought that you’d finally had enough of me. You’d threatened to leave so many times - pretty much every time you saw me with a needle in my hand. You hated that I used heroin. You just didn’t understand. There’s absolutely nothing in the entire world that feels as good as the high you get from pure heroin. I offered to share that feeling with you, but you always refused. I loved you more than I’d ever loved anyone before, but you always thought that I loved heroin more. I thought that the feeling of being second best finally pushed you into running away.
I was wrong.
You stumbled into the loft late that night. One glance at you told me exactly where you’d been. Or, more accurately, what you’d been doing. You were higher than I was when you finally staggered through the door. I didn’t know whether to be disappointed that you weren’t able to resist the temptation, or happy that you wouldn’t look down on me anymore.
You smiled seductively as you crossed the loft to where I was sitting on the windowsill. I smiled back, faltering only briefly when I caught a glimpse of the angry red track marks on your forearm. When I looked into your eyes, though, all of that was forgotten. I couldn’t think of anything more complicated than, Oh, God, yes, as you led me into the bedroom.
We collapsed onto the bed in a heap, a tangle of arms and legs. I slid into you, wanting to feel the frantic heat and friction of our bodies rubbing together, but you had other ideas. You wanted it to be a night to remember, you said. You wanted to take it slow, and gentle, and almost teasing. Since I was completely unable to deny you anything, I slowed down. I took my time, exploring every inch of you as if I’d never laid eyes on you before. As if I’d never touched you before. As if I’d never made love to you before.
We spent most of the night going back and forth with hands, and lips, and tongues, taking our time, lingering in sensitive places. It was nearly sunrise when we finally fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up alone, again. After the events of the previous day, I figured you’d gone out for a hit. I still had some, so I took care of my morning jitters, and crawled back into bed to sleep for a few more hours. The second time I awoke, you still weren’t there. I pulled on some clothes, and stumbled into the living room, thinking you might have come home and not wanted to wake me. The living room was empty, but the bathroom light was on.
I knocked softly on the bathroom door, and quietly called your name. You didn’t respond. I slowly opened the door, pausing before I looked in, giving you time to voice any objections. You remained silent, so I stepped through the door.
I screamed before I realized what was happening.
Red. All I could see was red. Your hair, but more than that, your blood. It was everywhere. The walls, the floor, the tub, your clothes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. You couldn’t have done this. It just wasn’t possible. We were young, and in love. I couldn’t lose you. One glance at your wrists, however, told me that I already had.
I whispered your name softly, one last time, and brushed a stray lock of hair off of your forehead. I stood, intending to call the paramedics to take you away. As I stood, something caught my eye. A small yellow square, stuck to the center of the mirror. A post-it note. Three words, scrawled in your handwriting. Not I love you, the three one would expect, but instead, three words that explained the events of the past two days completely: We’ve got AIDS.
As your dying words sunk in, I could only think of the fact that you’d left me alone. You’d doomed me to spending the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, searching for you. Because without you, I will never be complete. Without you, I am half of a whole. Without you, I’ll never again know how love feels.
Fandom: RENT
Characters: Roger/April
Prompt: #71: Broken
Word Count: 755.
Rating: R.
Summary: April isn't quite acting like herself, and Roger's wondering why.
Author's Notes: This was originally written for speed_rent challenge #208, which was to base a fic on the song The Origin of Love, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. The quote at the beginning is taken from that song, and is the part of the song that I used as my inspiration. Mentions of drug use, suicide, and non-graphic hetsex. I don't own RENT, or Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
Last time I saw you
We had just split in two
You were looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
'Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same pain as the one down in mine
That's the pain
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart
We called it love
So we wrapped our arms around each other
Trying to shove ourselves back together
We were making love
Making love
It was a cold dark evening
Such a long time ago
When by the mighty hand of Jove
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures
It's the story of
The origin of love
That's the origin of love
I thought I’d lost you. I awoke to find that I was alone in our bed, and I thought that you’d finally had enough of me. You’d threatened to leave so many times - pretty much every time you saw me with a needle in my hand. You hated that I used heroin. You just didn’t understand. There’s absolutely nothing in the entire world that feels as good as the high you get from pure heroin. I offered to share that feeling with you, but you always refused. I loved you more than I’d ever loved anyone before, but you always thought that I loved heroin more. I thought that the feeling of being second best finally pushed you into running away.
I was wrong.
You stumbled into the loft late that night. One glance at you told me exactly where you’d been. Or, more accurately, what you’d been doing. You were higher than I was when you finally staggered through the door. I didn’t know whether to be disappointed that you weren’t able to resist the temptation, or happy that you wouldn’t look down on me anymore.
You smiled seductively as you crossed the loft to where I was sitting on the windowsill. I smiled back, faltering only briefly when I caught a glimpse of the angry red track marks on your forearm. When I looked into your eyes, though, all of that was forgotten. I couldn’t think of anything more complicated than, Oh, God, yes, as you led me into the bedroom.
We collapsed onto the bed in a heap, a tangle of arms and legs. I slid into you, wanting to feel the frantic heat and friction of our bodies rubbing together, but you had other ideas. You wanted it to be a night to remember, you said. You wanted to take it slow, and gentle, and almost teasing. Since I was completely unable to deny you anything, I slowed down. I took my time, exploring every inch of you as if I’d never laid eyes on you before. As if I’d never touched you before. As if I’d never made love to you before.
We spent most of the night going back and forth with hands, and lips, and tongues, taking our time, lingering in sensitive places. It was nearly sunrise when we finally fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up alone, again. After the events of the previous day, I figured you’d gone out for a hit. I still had some, so I took care of my morning jitters, and crawled back into bed to sleep for a few more hours. The second time I awoke, you still weren’t there. I pulled on some clothes, and stumbled into the living room, thinking you might have come home and not wanted to wake me. The living room was empty, but the bathroom light was on.
I knocked softly on the bathroom door, and quietly called your name. You didn’t respond. I slowly opened the door, pausing before I looked in, giving you time to voice any objections. You remained silent, so I stepped through the door.
I screamed before I realized what was happening.
Red. All I could see was red. Your hair, but more than that, your blood. It was everywhere. The walls, the floor, the tub, your clothes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. You couldn’t have done this. It just wasn’t possible. We were young, and in love. I couldn’t lose you. One glance at your wrists, however, told me that I already had.
I whispered your name softly, one last time, and brushed a stray lock of hair off of your forehead. I stood, intending to call the paramedics to take you away. As I stood, something caught my eye. A small yellow square, stuck to the center of the mirror. A post-it note. Three words, scrawled in your handwriting. Not I love you, the three one would expect, but instead, three words that explained the events of the past two days completely: We’ve got AIDS.
As your dying words sunk in, I could only think of the fact that you’d left me alone. You’d doomed me to spending the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, searching for you. Because without you, I will never be complete. Without you, I am half of a whole. Without you, I’ll never again know how love feels.