Refugee Barrens - Chapter 1

[blythechild]

For those you waiting on your ficlettes, let me say: they are coming. Today, however, the beast which is my own story - Refugee Barrens - wanted out, and I didn't deny it. It's been quite some time since its debut here, so this is the link to the story's prologue, if you need a refresher

Comments

[zenrin]

Oooooo! Very engaging.

I like Rai! I love beautiful heroine's that kick arse :)

This takes place a good while after the first part right??

I'm unsure about Eamon, is it the same person that was getting tortured in the prolgue?

Prasham is the earthly incarnation of God huh? Interesting.

I'm hooked :D

[blythechild]

yes, this chapter takes place long after the prologue, but I trust that will become more clear in subsequent chapters. I was unsure whether I should preface the chapter with a "10 years later..." - I kinda felt that it would be too obvious. It's not like I'm gonna make different characters with the same name...

The Prasham is like the Dalai Lama - he's not God, but he knows more than the rest of us ;)

I'm glad that you're hooked!

[reynardin]

I can say the same - I am very interested to see how things develop.
I think it's more intriguing to let us figure out that it's10 years later...
I would like to know more about Rai - I guess that's coming. She's quick off the mark, isn't she! Don't sneak up on this chick. I get the impression she doesn't like surprises.
I really like the Buddha-like general, Prasham - I am interested to see how you explore why someone who is, essentially, connected on a higher plane (or whatever, you know what I mean, with all the interconnectedness of life and everything) is leading an army into war..... is it for a political aim, or a personal one, is the whole huge thing just a setup for him to use/educate Rai..... or did he set Rai up in the whole huge thing just to manipulate Eamon?? I dunno, but the dichotomy makes me not trust him At ALL!
Write more! Write more!

[blythechild]

wow. You think about this stuff almost as much as I do...

The answers are coming - this is the first chapter after all. The Prasham's motives will become apparent soon, but Rai will take a while to unfold. Most of the story will be filtered thru her, so you'll get more info about her by the way that she perceives things - I prefer that over me dictating who she is to the readers (yeah, all 4 of you).

I might get ch. 2 up by the end of the weekend, what with 4 days off an' all *facepalm*

[mercurylass]

Five. Comment pending. Ooh, I like being #5.

[faunalia]

I am becoming more interested in these characters. i like the prologue more in hindsight, it adds something to one's perception of these people, and i understand why you felt it was necessary.

as R. mentioned the deeper aspects of the plot really begin to hook one in.

only criticism is that some descriptive language gets repetitive - you found many ways to evoke the beauty and calm of the dawning day, and also really drew attention to how thin the prashams legs are. you could probably trust fewer words to do the job.

don't get me wrong, I really like it overall:)

[blythechild]

this is why one probably shouldn't be one's own editor...

[faunalia]

i was thinking it would be neat to have a few different friends have a go at editing a piece, if you were feeling especially brave...

[blythechild]

I'm open to that, but I don't have a fresh chapter ready to go yet...

[minouette]

So I finally got a moment to read this.
I'm intrigued that this is earth. I rather imagined it was some fantasy land and didn't expect the Mediterranean. I am enjoying the unfolding story. I completely imagined the Prasham like the Dalai Lama.

I've only got a couple fiddly finicky comments, for what they are worth. Rai drinks tea out of a vessel described both as a mug and as a teacup. I was confused about the fight scene and where she had cut Eamon. Like faunalia, I agree that you could cut out some descriptive words, especially adverbs. I think it improves as it goes on!