[video]

[bloodshedlament]

[Staring at the sky. Souji sat outside the hospital on a small concrete bench his sword (slightly drawn) lay across his lap as he was looking up at the sky. His eyes slowly lowered back to his sword which he seemed to be staring at forlornly. The camera was near him, but he didn't notice it or the fact he was on. He turns back to look ahead of him

Comments

[sing_bluesilver]

Souji? Are you okay?

[sing_bluesilver]

It's a type of show. You know, a play?

Tohma is like that too. His kind and he cares for me, but he tries to be so distant from me.

[bloodshedlament]

Tohma-san in truth reminds me of Yamanami-sensei. Hijikata-san and Yamanami-san where like brothers because they acted very much the same with two key differences...first Hijikata-san acts grumpier then a owl in daylight and two, Yamanami-san's maturity....in some ways Hijikata-san was only mad at him because he saw his same fears in him and the fact he was showing them scared Hijikata-san. In the end, Yamanami-sensei committed seppuku with help by my hands.

[Souji clenched his hands tightly, his sword shaking lightly as he said the worlds with a deadly calm.]

And now even Hijikata-san is distant....not just because I'm here and he is home, but even when I was home. All I ever seem to think about now is Yamanami-san....I loved them both equally. Coming here, was almost a vacation in a way,....away from slowly being isolated. That's why I was scared to let everyone know of my disease,...and yet because of me Tohma-san is sick. Because I'm afraid of being alone.

[sing_bluesilver]

He sounds like a good guy. A nice guy that's so scared of showing that he cares that he refuses to let other people know he's hurting. He's probably all caught up in the whole 'I've gotta be strong' way of thinking that he distance himself from those that could probably help him and let him cry over losing someone he likes.

[ Ryuichi looked over at Souji and then reaches over, just touching his shoulder but letting him know that Ryuichi would hug him if he needed it. ]

Everyone scared of dying alone. And Tohma... He always needs someone to care for.

[bloodshedlament]

[Souji embraces Ryuichi tightly- oddly enough more awkwardly manly then it would seem coming from a guy like Souji. It was more because he was still a soldier in a way. He sighed and then smiled at Ryu]

But you don't always need caring for is that it? Or...is he looking to solve his own problems by helping others. In truth- Tohma-san quite baffles me.

just like yamanami did

[sing_bluesilver]

A little of both, really.

[ He toys with one of Kumagoro's ears, his hand resting on Souji's shoulder tracing small circles. ]

Tohma doesn't want to fail those poeple he cares for. He doesn't want them to get hurt or be sad, so he will push himself to take on all their burdens as well as his own. He feels responsible for everyone in his family.

[bloodshedlament]

[souji leans his head on Ryuichis shoulder]

I understand I just wish he wouldn't.

[sing_bluesilver]

So do I.

[ Ryuichi sighs softly, reaching up to brush his fingers through Souji's hair. ]

He does so much and yet he feels that he's not doing enough, and when I try telling him, he just gives me this look. Some days I can't stand seeing him like that, hurting and trying to cover it up. Yet I know that he wouldn't be the same guy if he didn't do that.

[ Another sigh and he wrapped both arms around Souji, hugging him. ]

It's all fucked up.

[bloodshedlament]

[Souji nodded, but suddenly smiled.]

I wonder if Tohma-san is happy that way...Sometimes I guess I just can't tell. But I want you to be happy as well.

[Souji continued to smile with a distant look on his face before he suddenly blinked and sat up straight.]

Ah- yes...you keep saying the word 'fuck' exactly what is it's connotation?

[Because Souji suddenly realized he was being intimate with him (intimate by his ancient standards) and felt nervous- so awkward quick subject change.]

[sing_bluesilver]

I wish I knew the real answer...

[ Ryuichi blinked, looking over at Souji. He didn't realize that touching would be uncomfortable to Souji but he had totally become American in so many ways. And that word... Well, Tohma said he did have a potty mouth. ]

It's... well, a swear word. It's not really nice and some people also use it to say sex but in a nasty way.

[bloodshedlament]

[Souji of course feeling slightly embarrassed for being forward blinks at Ryuichi before laughing slightly.]

Oh my...that is rather, interesting. But I guess the need for curse words has escalated, since the old ones get rather dull once used for over a hundred years hehe....

[sing_bluesilver]

It actually comes from another country, so I wouldn't say it's new... Just new to us.

[bloodshedlament]

I see.

[he blushes lightly, his eyes averting off to the side as his face forms a slight pout.]

Ryuichi-san? Am I....weak?

[He had never thought about it much...not until now.]

[sing_bluesilver]

Weak? Why do you think you're weak?

[bloodshedlament]

Well, for one thing...I can't keep any of you away from me, nor myself away from you...and for another- I give into my emotions so easily.

[sing_bluesilver]

I wouldn't call it being weak.

[ Ryuichi frowns at the ground, his eyes slitting half-closed as he thinks about it. ]

It's more like you're in touch with your feelings and you don't like being alone.