we got older but are still young
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart
- She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart
He came in shortly before dawn, casting a looming shadow over the room. He hesitated when he saw her, ran his hand through his hair and then: I didn't kill myself.
Her bones were aching, but it was constant in its presence and she'd long gotten used to it and didn't move. I can see that, she finally said, tonelessly. What happened?
He stiffened; looked away, carefully letting his hair fall over his eyes. Nothing, he said. He's dead; I'm alive.
She forced herself to slow her breathing. I'm sure something could be arranged.
If I didn't know better I'd think you're suggesting I kill myself, he said.
Maybe I am. She shrugged. Maybe you should. Maybe- she broke off, breathing hardly. Maybe you and me should both stop expecting things from each other and accept that everyone we know was right when they told us we wouldn't last. Maybe I should stop telling myself that you care, and maybe you should listen to him and just go; maybe I should open my eyes and see how you actually seem to care for his and grasp that that is more than anyone could ever say about you and me, and can't you see that? You love him; then fucking go back to him. Either join your poor, disturbed dead brother or step the fuck out of the past and accept that I have been sitting here for the last ten hours in utter fucking fright waiting for you without ever being bloody sure if you'd even come back or not, without having a clue on what I would be telling your Mother or Dumbledore or fucking Bellatrix if you ended up poisoning yourself, without any idea on what the boys would do to me if it all came out- she made a soft chocking sound and started coughing violently, at the same time ensuring her head was dipped just so that he wouldn't see her eyes.
It was silent for a long time, but for the sounds of her trying to steady her breathing.
He moved his hand toward his hair again before he remembered who else had that habit and promptly dropped it. He wanted to bite his lip but wasn't sure if blood would ease her anger.
I'm... sorry?
She slumped back into her chair. Well, she sighed. That's at least something.
Alright: this is what you can get. I've been away for so long that I've forgotten how to write an entry.
That's alright. I've been told (by a person completely unreliable in this situation) that it'll come back by itself. I'll see what I make of it.
I'm not a hypocrite. I didn't leave in indignation because "the internet's not supposed to hurt me". I've been here for too long and have seen and experienced too much to believe that. But, you guys, everyone has limits. Everyone has limits. I reached mine and didn't know how fast I had to get the fuck out of here, but I'm not going to apologise because after half a decade of being (active and) online nearly every day I reached a limit I had every sodding right of reaching. I only hope it'll take another five years before I feel the need to get away again.
I think a lot of you must've thought something was wrong in RL when I left internet only a few hours after leaving a - rather lucid, considering the fact that I wrote it - note on my LJ, and in fact I wonder if there was anyone who concluded (rightly so) that it must have been an internet-related thing that drove me away. Internet-related things, in fact.
In any case, I don't see any reason why I should shout those things off the rooftops. I told one of you what seems like an eternity ago one of them, and I can't say it helped either of us, and usually I try to learn from my mistakes. (At other times I do it again and again until it stops being a mistake and starts making sense of itself.)
I left with the intention of cooling off for a few days, but, hey, look where we are now! A month and a half further and I've only now begun with the long-postponed return post.
And to the question of why I haven't contacted any of you: my dears, offline means offline. I used the little time I did spend online these last nearly six weeks to click away the e-mails people'd sent me unread into my Gmail archives and (the last two weekends mostly) working on my layout. Which is, by the way, finished and fiery and pretty and done without complex tutorials or 'helpful' advisors or explanations - I tried everything until I found something I liked.
It's... interesting to see your name with a strikethrough.
BloodRebel333.
BloodRebel333.
No, wait. I got online once for a
RemixRedux-related thing and used a minute or two to write a quick note to Tamanna asking her (since she's got a good deal of my active friendlist friended) to write a short note saying I'm alright. I didn't see the line/post in question, but knowing her efficiency I'm sure she did it.
By the way, am not catching up with my friendlist either - only a few ficjournals will be skimmed through. So if there's anything you want me to see or know (including fic and good entries/webpages, important events and questions, but NOT any entries of 'where the fuck has Rachel gone'), or anything you want to see or know, link me or (preferably) tell me in the comments. I left but now I'm back, and though you're welcome to ask me anything you want in the comments I can't guarantee answers to everything.
Right after finishing this I'm going to contact all of you who've defriended me & hope you'll have the battered runaway back. (I would've been worried when I remembered I'd left without copying my friendlist, but I'm really just that pathetic type that knows those things by heart. Am I the only pathetic little thing out there?)
New lay out!
BloodRebel333
BloodRebel333
BloodRebel333.
In the comments of this entry you're welcome to:
Tell me important, interesting, random things that I've missed.
Ask me anything you want in the comments.
Link me to good fic, interesting entries, webpages, or sites.
...and anything else you might come up with, as long as it's not a link to an entry of 'where the fuck has Rachel gone' because I won't be reading it.