Okay - Drabble
Title: Okay
Pairing: Kaihan
Genre: Drabble - Angst
Rating: R (for non-descriptive sex)
Words: 765
Summary: Maybe this was a circumstance that Lu Han was never okay with.
A/N: I don't even know. Another pointless drabble I wrote today because I feel sad. I can't decide if there's a deeper meaning, but whatever. I hope you guys think it's okay, anyway. :3
"I love you." Kai says simply, without any hint doubt in his voice.
Lu Han bites his lip, chewing on the pink flesh. It's a habit he had developed when he didn't know what to say. His eyes darted all around, looking anywhere but at the boy in front of him. He didn't want to pretend he existed for a second, and it was just wrong. It was just so wrong. He didn't want to see it, he didn't want to feel it, he didn't want to believe it.
So he shut his eyes tightly; throwing his head back and letting himself get lost in the taller boy. He shut everything out- his thoughts, feelings, opinions and worries. He let the younger boy have his way with him, just like they always did.
He dully felt the other's plush lips rake down his neck, settling at the base of his collarbones to nip gently at the sensitive skin there; yet Lu Han was numb. Numb to the sensation. He reckoned he had been numb since the beginning, since the boy had first confessed himself to him and all he could think was, "okay."
As they grew, Kai would make more advances, and Lu Han- still numb- never stopped him. He never encouraged him either, but all he could ever say to the boy was, "okay."
It was so wrong.
Lu Han felt so used. Not by Kai, no, but by himself.
Kai was so passionate- and yet even at those moments, those moments where two lovers were at the peak of ecstasy and were truly one, he was lost- detached- numb.
It wasn't kind to Kai, Lu Han thought, as Kai's hand reached down below the waist of his pants and gripped the older boy. He let out a low groan, his body arching into the touch.
His body always responded well to Kai. To Kai's love.
He just wanted to cry. This isn't what he wanted. He didn't want to be like this. He didn't want to do this to anyone.
Why couldn't he just love Kai?
Why did he have to be this way?
Searing pain.
Blinding, white hot pain. It happened every time. No matter how many times they had been through this, he could never let go of the pain. He hissed, his body rejecting the foreign object being forced into it.
Usually he relaxed, but this time, it was too much.
Tears streamed down his face, his chest heaving with a dry sob, Kai leaned down and pressed his plush lips to his tears, trying to relax him and take some of the pain away. Lu Han's arms tightened around his neck, their bare chests rubbing against one another.
Kai was inwardly panicking at his lover's reaction, but he kept losing focus from being inside the other boy, being one with his elder. He knew something was wrong- that something was different, but he couldn't stop.
"I love you." instead Kai repeated the phrase like a mantra, like he always did.
Lu Han pulled him closer, trying to find comfort in the warm chest of the other boy- trying to find solace in his body through the rhythm of his heartbeat, but the only rhythm he could feel was the *in and out*- the only thing he was sure of was the blossoming pain in his lower half and in his heart.
"I love you," Kai repeated, caressing every inch of Lu Han's soft, creamy white skin.
Lu Han choked on another terrible sob. He tried to speak, tried to say something back to his dongsaeng, but his vocal chords just weren't cooperating with him.
Kai came with a loud cry above him, figuratively and literally filling him to the brim his inner most feelings and emotions. The Chinese man followed suit, his body raging with the euphoria of release, but his heart was aching with regret. He swallowed hard, feeling a lump in his throat.
Kai paid no mind, whether intentional or not, and collapsed next to him, a lanky arm wrapping around his mid section.
Lu Han couldn't help but continue crying, his full-blown sobs turning back into quiet sniffles and coughs.
"Lu?" he croaked out in his seemingly unfitting deep voice, raw and over used from their activities.
"It's okay." he replies, not meaning for his voice to come out so vulnerable. It's barely more than a whisper, and he can tell it breaks Kai's heart.
Kai's eyes widen.
"I love you."
"Okay."
And maybe for the first time, Kai can hear the emptiness in that word.
Pairing: Kaihan
Genre: Drabble - Angst
Rating: R (for non-descriptive sex)
Words: 765
Summary: Maybe this was a circumstance that Lu Han was never okay with.
A/N: I don't even know. Another pointless drabble I wrote today because I feel sad. I can't decide if there's a deeper meaning, but whatever. I hope you guys think it's okay, anyway. :3
"I love you." Kai says simply, without any hint doubt in his voice.
Lu Han bites his lip, chewing on the pink flesh. It's a habit he had developed when he didn't know what to say. His eyes darted all around, looking anywhere but at the boy in front of him. He didn't want to pretend he existed for a second, and it was just wrong. It was just so wrong. He didn't want to see it, he didn't want to feel it, he didn't want to believe it.
So he shut his eyes tightly; throwing his head back and letting himself get lost in the taller boy. He shut everything out- his thoughts, feelings, opinions and worries. He let the younger boy have his way with him, just like they always did.
He dully felt the other's plush lips rake down his neck, settling at the base of his collarbones to nip gently at the sensitive skin there; yet Lu Han was numb. Numb to the sensation. He reckoned he had been numb since the beginning, since the boy had first confessed himself to him and all he could think was, "okay."
As they grew, Kai would make more advances, and Lu Han- still numb- never stopped him. He never encouraged him either, but all he could ever say to the boy was, "okay."
It was so wrong.
Lu Han felt so used. Not by Kai, no, but by himself.
Kai was so passionate- and yet even at those moments, those moments where two lovers were at the peak of ecstasy and were truly one, he was lost- detached- numb.
It wasn't kind to Kai, Lu Han thought, as Kai's hand reached down below the waist of his pants and gripped the older boy. He let out a low groan, his body arching into the touch.
His body always responded well to Kai. To Kai's love.
He just wanted to cry. This isn't what he wanted. He didn't want to be like this. He didn't want to do this to anyone.
Why couldn't he just love Kai?
Why did he have to be this way?
Searing pain.
Blinding, white hot pain. It happened every time. No matter how many times they had been through this, he could never let go of the pain. He hissed, his body rejecting the foreign object being forced into it.
Usually he relaxed, but this time, it was too much.
Tears streamed down his face, his chest heaving with a dry sob, Kai leaned down and pressed his plush lips to his tears, trying to relax him and take some of the pain away. Lu Han's arms tightened around his neck, their bare chests rubbing against one another.
Kai was inwardly panicking at his lover's reaction, but he kept losing focus from being inside the other boy, being one with his elder. He knew something was wrong- that something was different, but he couldn't stop.
"I love you." instead Kai repeated the phrase like a mantra, like he always did.
Lu Han pulled him closer, trying to find comfort in the warm chest of the other boy- trying to find solace in his body through the rhythm of his heartbeat, but the only rhythm he could feel was the *in and out*- the only thing he was sure of was the blossoming pain in his lower half and in his heart.
"I love you," Kai repeated, caressing every inch of Lu Han's soft, creamy white skin.
Lu Han choked on another terrible sob. He tried to speak, tried to say something back to his dongsaeng, but his vocal chords just weren't cooperating with him.
Kai came with a loud cry above him, figuratively and literally filling him to the brim his inner most feelings and emotions. The Chinese man followed suit, his body raging with the euphoria of release, but his heart was aching with regret. He swallowed hard, feeling a lump in his throat.
Kai paid no mind, whether intentional or not, and collapsed next to him, a lanky arm wrapping around his mid section.
Lu Han couldn't help but continue crying, his full-blown sobs turning back into quiet sniffles and coughs.
"Lu?" he croaked out in his seemingly unfitting deep voice, raw and over used from their activities.
"It's okay." he replies, not meaning for his voice to come out so vulnerable. It's barely more than a whisper, and he can tell it breaks Kai's heart.
Kai's eyes widen.
"I love you."
"Okay."
And maybe for the first time, Kai can hear the emptiness in that word.