Spin Rooster
Dear Jensen,
Happy birthday.
We wrote you a story.
Never thought THAT would happen, huh?
-Lid
P.S. Good friends like tahirire are for blaming weird co-written stories on.
Once upon a time...
There was a Prince. But this story isn't about him. It's about Mac and Cheese. With ketchup.
Down the hill from the Castle where the Prince lived, there was a goat. And in the farmyard with the goat, whose name was Gerald, there was a chicken. His name was Russell. And they had a son. Well, it wasn't really their son, but they didn't care. He just looked like them. And THAT chicken was ALSO married to a rooster, and they had a son, and THIS story is about HIM.
And HIS name was Russell, too. With two Ls.
Russell was a very plain rooster, and he didn't have very pretty feathers. All the other roosters had long, fancy feathers - green and red and gold, and they were beautiful. But Russell only had red feathers, and he didn't fit in very well. (That's how he knew he was adopted, see.)
But Russell was scrappy. Yes, Russell with two Ls was VERY scrappy. Because he had mac and cheese every morning for breakfast... with ketchup.
One day he decided he was tired of the other chickens bossing him around. He wanted to head out on his own but he wasn't sure how to get out of the farm. So he went to Gerald for advice. Gerald told him, 'Just jump up on the pail and onto the barn wall and up to the roof, and climb over the Farmer's house and down the other side, and you'll be free.'
But Russell with two Ls didn't know how to climb. And he didn't know how to jump either, because he was a chicken. And so he decided that Gerald was full of s*%*. That didn't leave many places for him to go for advice. He went back to the chicken coop, all chagrined.
The moon came up and all the other chickens were asleep. That night, while it was dark, Russell was awake pondering his dilemma. And he heard a noise. There was a fox coming to eat the chickens!!!
"CRAP", he said.
The fox started to eat all the chickens, and Russell didn't have anywhere to hide! But THEN the strangest thing happened. The fox walked right past Russell and didn't even look at him. And Russell didn't know why. He was standing right there out in the open, frozen in place next to the red barn wall.
The fox turned away and headed to the fence, where he dug a hole. Russell was afraid of the fox, but he knew that even though he couldn't jump or climb, he could shimmy under the fence. So he followed after him.
The fox disappeared into the woods, and Russell kept following, because he didn't have anywhere else to go. He walked and walked until it felt like his feet were going to fall off. Finally, the fox vanished into a den at the base of a hill. Russell was so tired, he fell asleep in the bushes, because he knew the fox would be asleep in the morning.
And then it started to rain.
The rain woke Russell up and he ran to try to find a better hiding place. He was tired and cold and lonely and he wished he hadn't left the farm. He was so lonely that he thought he heard the sound of other chickens nearby. And the fox's hole started to fill with water from all the rain and he peeked his head out and finally saw Russell, running around the forest looking for a warm, dry place like a... well, a chicken with his head cut off. "Noodle head," thought the fox (whose name was Stanley), "I'mma gwanna et him".
But what nobody knew about Russell was that he may not have been able to clmb or jump or do math, but he could spin. Russell was a showstoppin', floor droppin' DJ. 'Baby Got Back' was playing up in the Castle, and it floated down the hill on the rain cloud, and Russell heard it. And he didn't know what 'Back' was, but he started dancing anyway. He spun so fast that Stanly got dizzy trying to watch him go around and around. The spinning was holding Stanley off for right then, but Russell started to feel sick - because of all the mac and cheese with ketchup.
He knew he had to stop spinning soon or he would throw up his clavicle and that would be bad. Because his clavicle isn't who he really was. What I forgot to tell you earlier is that Russell was a magical chicken. Well, I didn't tell you because he didn't know yet. But he's about to figure it out, so I can tell you now. See, Russell was really a Prince too. He was the Prince's BROTHER, and he used to live way up on the hill with the rest of the royal family in the castle, but he got cursed - by a crumudgeony old lady with whiskers.
And he forgot who he was. And that he was magical. Until Sir Mix a Lot sang the part about the Anacona. Sir Mix a lot, see, worked at the Castle too. (He was a knight, that's why his name starts with Sir.) Suddenly, Russell remembered - everything he thinks of comes true! And a giant anaconda sprang out of the raincloud and ATE STANLEY!! O.O
"OH NOES!" ... "I mean YAY!"
Then, Russell thought he should really be a prince again and go be with his real parents! So he did! And things were okay for a while ... because Russell didn't blend into the walls no more unless he wanted to, but usually it only worked best on the days he ate the McCheesup but here they were in handy lunch bag style called McCheezitups ... and anyway, when he figured out that he could spin the hookahollah was the day that he started to think he was invisible whenever he got angry and that's when things started to go wrong.
See, he was a prince now (again), and princes have a lot of social problems. And he wanted a girlfriend. But the only thing his magic powers didn't influence was love. And he had all red hair, and as we know Ginger kids have no souls, so no girls wanted to go out with him. And one day, he was taking a spinny walk through the lower garden when he saw the most lovliest muskrat he ever did see and when he walked up to her, he wasn't invisible no mores. And to make it even better, she spoke chickenbird. She said her name was Lolita. She was gothic. (is Lolita fair use?) And she could sing a killer version of 'Cry Me a River', especially in the shower. Gothic Lolita dug Russell's slick spinning style, and together they created Dark Grunge HipHop, and a new era of peace between the Goths and the Thug wannabes began.
Together, they brought sexy back for REAL, because DJs, they know how to work the reverb.
The end.
~Bows~
Now, go paint the town red. Eventually.
Happy birthday.
We wrote you a story.
Never thought THAT would happen, huh?
-Lid
P.S. Good friends like tahirire are for blaming weird co-written stories on.
Once upon a time...
There was a Prince. But this story isn't about him. It's about Mac and Cheese. With ketchup.
Down the hill from the Castle where the Prince lived, there was a goat. And in the farmyard with the goat, whose name was Gerald, there was a chicken. His name was Russell. And they had a son. Well, it wasn't really their son, but they didn't care. He just looked like them. And THAT chicken was ALSO married to a rooster, and they had a son, and THIS story is about HIM.
And HIS name was Russell, too. With two Ls.
Russell was a very plain rooster, and he didn't have very pretty feathers. All the other roosters had long, fancy feathers - green and red and gold, and they were beautiful. But Russell only had red feathers, and he didn't fit in very well. (That's how he knew he was adopted, see.)
But Russell was scrappy. Yes, Russell with two Ls was VERY scrappy. Because he had mac and cheese every morning for breakfast... with ketchup.
One day he decided he was tired of the other chickens bossing him around. He wanted to head out on his own but he wasn't sure how to get out of the farm. So he went to Gerald for advice. Gerald told him, 'Just jump up on the pail and onto the barn wall and up to the roof, and climb over the Farmer's house and down the other side, and you'll be free.'
But Russell with two Ls didn't know how to climb. And he didn't know how to jump either, because he was a chicken. And so he decided that Gerald was full of s*%*. That didn't leave many places for him to go for advice. He went back to the chicken coop, all chagrined.
The moon came up and all the other chickens were asleep. That night, while it was dark, Russell was awake pondering his dilemma. And he heard a noise. There was a fox coming to eat the chickens!!!
"CRAP", he said.
The fox started to eat all the chickens, and Russell didn't have anywhere to hide! But THEN the strangest thing happened. The fox walked right past Russell and didn't even look at him. And Russell didn't know why. He was standing right there out in the open, frozen in place next to the red barn wall.
The fox turned away and headed to the fence, where he dug a hole. Russell was afraid of the fox, but he knew that even though he couldn't jump or climb, he could shimmy under the fence. So he followed after him.
The fox disappeared into the woods, and Russell kept following, because he didn't have anywhere else to go. He walked and walked until it felt like his feet were going to fall off. Finally, the fox vanished into a den at the base of a hill. Russell was so tired, he fell asleep in the bushes, because he knew the fox would be asleep in the morning.
And then it started to rain.
The rain woke Russell up and he ran to try to find a better hiding place. He was tired and cold and lonely and he wished he hadn't left the farm. He was so lonely that he thought he heard the sound of other chickens nearby. And the fox's hole started to fill with water from all the rain and he peeked his head out and finally saw Russell, running around the forest looking for a warm, dry place like a... well, a chicken with his head cut off. "Noodle head," thought the fox (whose name was Stanley), "I'mma gwanna et him".
But what nobody knew about Russell was that he may not have been able to clmb or jump or do math, but he could spin. Russell was a showstoppin', floor droppin' DJ. 'Baby Got Back' was playing up in the Castle, and it floated down the hill on the rain cloud, and Russell heard it. And he didn't know what 'Back' was, but he started dancing anyway. He spun so fast that Stanly got dizzy trying to watch him go around and around. The spinning was holding Stanley off for right then, but Russell started to feel sick - because of all the mac and cheese with ketchup.
He knew he had to stop spinning soon or he would throw up his clavicle and that would be bad. Because his clavicle isn't who he really was. What I forgot to tell you earlier is that Russell was a magical chicken. Well, I didn't tell you because he didn't know yet. But he's about to figure it out, so I can tell you now. See, Russell was really a Prince too. He was the Prince's BROTHER, and he used to live way up on the hill with the rest of the royal family in the castle, but he got cursed - by a crumudgeony old lady with whiskers.
And he forgot who he was. And that he was magical. Until Sir Mix a Lot sang the part about the Anacona. Sir Mix a lot, see, worked at the Castle too. (He was a knight, that's why his name starts with Sir.) Suddenly, Russell remembered - everything he thinks of comes true! And a giant anaconda sprang out of the raincloud and ATE STANLEY!! O.O
"OH NOES!" ... "I mean YAY!"
Then, Russell thought he should really be a prince again and go be with his real parents! So he did! And things were okay for a while ... because Russell didn't blend into the walls no more unless he wanted to, but usually it only worked best on the days he ate the McCheesup but here they were in handy lunch bag style called McCheezitups ... and anyway, when he figured out that he could spin the hookahollah was the day that he started to think he was invisible whenever he got angry and that's when things started to go wrong.
See, he was a prince now (again), and princes have a lot of social problems. And he wanted a girlfriend. But the only thing his magic powers didn't influence was love. And he had all red hair, and as we know Ginger kids have no souls, so no girls wanted to go out with him. And one day, he was taking a spinny walk through the lower garden when he saw the most lovliest muskrat he ever did see and when he walked up to her, he wasn't invisible no mores. And to make it even better, she spoke chickenbird. She said her name was Lolita. She was gothic. (is Lolita fair use?) And she could sing a killer version of 'Cry Me a River', especially in the shower. Gothic Lolita dug Russell's slick spinning style, and together they created Dark Grunge HipHop, and a new era of peace between the Goths and the Thug wannabes began.
Together, they brought sexy back for REAL, because DJs, they know how to work the reverb.
The end.
~Bows~
Now, go paint the town red. Eventually.
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