SPN 8.03
SPN 8.03 Heartache
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Sam: Listen, I know this is gonna sound crazy to you. I don't even necessarily need you to understand. But you need to know. I didn't just drop out, Dean. I found something. Something I've never had all my life. (8.01)
Sam: Dean, when this is over, when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet, I'm done. I mean that.
Dean: No you don't.
Sam: Dean, the year I took off I had something I'd never had - a normal life. I got to see what that felt like. I want that. I had that.
Dean: I think that's just how you feel right now.
Wow, Dean, how out of line can you be? But just a moment, we'll get to you in a bit. Let's actually start with Sam.
Isn't this pure retread? Why are the writers going back to the old Season 1 premise? And why is Sam completely ignoring the fact that he already had four years of the normal life, the normal girlfriend, etc. back when he was going to Stanford? Why is Sam going back to that old wish of his, wanting that slice of normal for himself?
The thing is, he never stopped wanting it. He just, for a while there, stopped believing it was possible.
Sam: If we can do this, get the tablet, get you everything you need to close the gates of Hell, there's a world out there where nobody - not Crowley, no demon - is chasing you anymore.
Kevin: I guess I just don't see how I get from here to there.
Sam: I used to not be able to see it, either. But there is a way. (8.01)
He had the dream. He even tried to get out, only to see it blow up in his face.
Sam: What do you want?
YoungSam: An explanation. How could you do this to me? I thought we were gonna be normal.
Sam: I tried. I did. It didn't pan out that way. Sorry, kid.
YoungSam: 'Sorry, kid'? That's what you have to say? It's all we ever wanted. We were so close. You got away from Dad. You quit hunting. You were gonna become a lawyer and get married. Why'd you blow it? (4.21)
See, framed like it... it was never about the girl. She was part of the package, sure, but she was a catalyst, not the sum of Sam's wish list.
Jess: I was dead from the moment we said hello. (5.03)
Lucifer: Sam Winchester, this is your life. Azazel's gang -- watching you since you were a rugrat, jerking you around like a dog on a leash. (5.22)
College boy, girlfriend, normal life... but it was never real, not really. Sam was the boy with demon blood, watched over by Azazel and many other demons, manipulated his whole life into being what someone else wanted him to be.
This time is different. This time.. no one is there telling him who to be, what to do, or pulling his strings from afar. He has to figure that out for himself. This time the life he's living can have some untainted good in it. This time, if someone disappears on him, it doesn't automatically mean they're gone. They're probably just around the corner, waiting to surprise him with a birthday party.
Sam: I had a year off. I took the time to enjoy the good things.
Dean: Got another email here too. This one is for you, from a university. Answering questions about admissions.
Sam: Just something I'm looking into, like an option.
Dean: You're seriously talking about hanging it up.
Sam: I'm not talking about anything, Dean. I'm just looking at options.
So while yes, Sam is glad Dean is alive and back, it's also a reminder of everything he's suffered and lost over the years. Look no further than the mirror Betsy aka Eleanor provided in this regard. She loved her husband, to the point of deliberately turning a blind eye to the fact that he was a murderer in order to keep his youth and strength. She sacrificed a whole lot of things, including ultimately her own identity, to be with him. There is no doubt of how much she loved him. But it wasn't an easy life to live.
Sam: You and Brick had to go underground from time to time to hide your secret.
Eleanor: Every 10 years or so he would re-emerge with a new look, a new name. And me, I was the wife, the woman in hiding, and then when I got into my 40s I became... Brick's mother. Eleanor. I am so tired. You can't imagine the burden of it all.
Dean: We better get going. Just wanted you to know it really is over now.
Eleanor: It had to be, one way or another. I half thought you might fail and Randa would come after me. Either way, I'd finally be at peace.
The implication is not saying that Dean being his brother is a burden -- but the hunting lifestyle is. Fake IDs, constant lies, no close connections to the world, because if they knew the truth they'd think you were crazy or they get killed. But then -- he lost everything. And in losing everything -- Bobby, Dean, a roadmap of what to do next... Sam reached a place where it finally felt over. He was finally free to enjoy some peace.
Carry on, my wayward son. Because back comes Dean into the picture, disrupting the idea that he was done.
And Sam is resistant. So he speaks up, trying to clearly convey what he really wants. It's not particlarly tactful, especially when considering his brother isn't coming from a place of having a year off, able to enjoy the good things in life. But it is honest. Motivated because he doesn't want Dean to set up false ideas or hope about where Sam plans to be once they finish off this one last mission of closing the gates of Hell. So he projects.
Dean: I know when I am at my best. And that is right here, driving down crazy street, next to you.
Sam: Makes sense.
Dean: Yes it does.
Sam: Or maybe you don't need me. Maybe you're at your best hacking and slicing your way through all the world's crap alone. Not having to explain yourself to anybody.
Dean: Yeah, that makes sense. Seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff.
Sam: Look, I'm not saying I'm bailing on you. I'm just saying make room for the possibility that we want different things. I mean, I want my time to count for something.
Dean: So, what we do doesn't count?
Aren't you tired of always having to explain yourself?
It's not that Sam doesn't think hunting isn't without value in this world. He's admitted that before.
Dean: Ever since dad... all I can think about is how much this job's cost us. We've lost so much. We've.. sacrificed so much.
Sam: But people are alive because of you. It's worth it, Dean. It is. It's not fair, and.. you know, it hurts like hell, but.. it's worth it. (2.20)
But the life, the sacrifices... he is done. It's worth it, if that is what you want to do, what you find personal meaning in. He doesn't. Meaning was imposed upon him his whole life, and now he wants a chance to find it for himself. Check out his options. Maybe Dean will prove to be right, that Sam can find a sense of meaning from the hunting life. But Sam has to discover that for himself, not have it imposed upon him by someone else's choices.
That is where Dean is out of line. I believe, however, that Dean's response isn't coming from a desire to control Sam's life, but from a place of fear. Losing Sam as a part of his life.
The painful thing about Sam's honesty doesn't come from him being open. It comes from him trying so hard to make a point that there is a sense of shutout happening. Ouch, Sam. Because if I were to take Sam's attitude at face value... I would think he doesn't want much of anything to do with Dean, not just the hunting life. His brother. The one person who has sacrificed the most for his sake. The one who asks the most in return. And there's the rub. Being asked to give something you don't want to give.
They have had this conversation before. Granted, it's been awhile.
Dean: Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?
Sam: ‘Cause Dad was in trouble. ‘Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom.
Dean: Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man. You and me and Dad-I mean, I want us….I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again.
Sam: Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before
Dean: Could be.
Sam: I don’t want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way. (1.16)
Back then, Sam included a reassurance that they would still be family even if they went their separate ways. Does Dean remember that?
Dean: I can’t do this alone.
Sam: Yes, you can.
Dean: Yeah, well... I don’t want to. (1.01)
Back then, Dean admitted that he could hunt alone, but he didn't want to. Does Sam remember that?
The other mirror in this episode: Brick and Dean.
Eleanor: [Brick] wasn't just the warrior whose only reason for living was combat. We were deeply, deeply in love.
Eleanor: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and he had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge.
Brick was the consumate athlete. His life revolved around this one thing. But then... he changed. Opened himself up to more. He married his Betsy because he loved her. In the end, he loved her so much he ended his life before he had to go on without her.
Dean is reinvested in being a hunter, the whole she-bang, but that's not all he wants. He wants his family with him too. He doesn't want to be alone.
Why does Dean keep trying to force an admission that it's good to be back, the dynamic duo, wind in their hair and a case to dig their teeth into? Because he doesn't see much else holding them together as family. When they're together, having each other's back, working the job, that's what he knows. Black and white. You're either with me or you're not.
And let's be honest, family history has taught him this lesson. In the past, when Sam tried for a "normal life" and left the family business, it was a complete break. Is it possible to handle things differently this time around, should the day come? The easy answer is to say, of course. But... really, is it so easy?
Who is Dean supposed to be able to talk about "this stuff", his life, if not Sam? And if Sam wants nothing to do with hunting, what is left to share with him? They don't exactly have a lot in common, being very different people. Take away that and what's left?
Does Dean's life have to revolve completely around just one thing, the hunt? Or can he open up to allow for more in his life, an opening for Sam to have a place without trapping his brother into a life that imposes a false identity on him? Sam hasn't been reassured that being with Dean will mean he can still be himself, pursue his own interests. He wants that freedom. Is Dean willing to recognize this? Does it have to be all or nothing?
And Sam, well... Sam can say he's not gonna bail on Dean, that they're still a family even if they don't hunt together, but how is that supposed to actually reassure Dean that this time will be different? Dean doesn't do alone well. He doesn't want it, never has. Ultimately, he does want more than just the hunt. He wants his family connection too. Is Sam willing to recognize this? Does it have to be all together, or all alone?
Right now Sam and Dean appear to be at an impasse. They want different things from life. Where's the common ground? Is this a hopeless case of something's gotta give?
Or maybe... what if they both give? What if they remain determined to find a solution that allows for a connection to re-establish between them? Make the effort to create some common ground without losing themselves in the process? Compromise, in other words.
Impossible?
Dude. This is the Winchesters we're talking about. They eat impossible for breakfast, and twice on Tuesdays, I mean Thursdays... I mean Fridays... I mean... Wednesdays.
I think the real question is how do they remain a part of each other's lives? Something they both need to think about with honesty. The questions have been raised, now it is time for Sam and Dean to get real and start figuring out some answers.
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Sam: Listen, I know this is gonna sound crazy to you. I don't even necessarily need you to understand. But you need to know. I didn't just drop out, Dean. I found something. Something I've never had all my life. (8.01)
Sam: Dean, when this is over, when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet, I'm done. I mean that.
Dean: No you don't.
Sam: Dean, the year I took off I had something I'd never had - a normal life. I got to see what that felt like. I want that. I had that.
Dean: I think that's just how you feel right now.
Wow, Dean, how out of line can you be? But just a moment, we'll get to you in a bit. Let's actually start with Sam.
Isn't this pure retread? Why are the writers going back to the old Season 1 premise? And why is Sam completely ignoring the fact that he already had four years of the normal life, the normal girlfriend, etc. back when he was going to Stanford? Why is Sam going back to that old wish of his, wanting that slice of normal for himself?
The thing is, he never stopped wanting it. He just, for a while there, stopped believing it was possible.
Sam: If we can do this, get the tablet, get you everything you need to close the gates of Hell, there's a world out there where nobody - not Crowley, no demon - is chasing you anymore.
Kevin: I guess I just don't see how I get from here to there.
Sam: I used to not be able to see it, either. But there is a way. (8.01)
He had the dream. He even tried to get out, only to see it blow up in his face.
Sam: What do you want?
YoungSam: An explanation. How could you do this to me? I thought we were gonna be normal.
Sam: I tried. I did. It didn't pan out that way. Sorry, kid.
YoungSam: 'Sorry, kid'? That's what you have to say? It's all we ever wanted. We were so close. You got away from Dad. You quit hunting. You were gonna become a lawyer and get married. Why'd you blow it? (4.21)
See, framed like it... it was never about the girl. She was part of the package, sure, but she was a catalyst, not the sum of Sam's wish list.
Jess: I was dead from the moment we said hello. (5.03)
Lucifer: Sam Winchester, this is your life. Azazel's gang -- watching you since you were a rugrat, jerking you around like a dog on a leash. (5.22)
College boy, girlfriend, normal life... but it was never real, not really. Sam was the boy with demon blood, watched over by Azazel and many other demons, manipulated his whole life into being what someone else wanted him to be.
This time is different. This time.. no one is there telling him who to be, what to do, or pulling his strings from afar. He has to figure that out for himself. This time the life he's living can have some untainted good in it. This time, if someone disappears on him, it doesn't automatically mean they're gone. They're probably just around the corner, waiting to surprise him with a birthday party.
Sam: I had a year off. I took the time to enjoy the good things.
Dean: Got another email here too. This one is for you, from a university. Answering questions about admissions.
Sam: Just something I'm looking into, like an option.
Dean: You're seriously talking about hanging it up.
Sam: I'm not talking about anything, Dean. I'm just looking at options.
So while yes, Sam is glad Dean is alive and back, it's also a reminder of everything he's suffered and lost over the years. Look no further than the mirror Betsy aka Eleanor provided in this regard. She loved her husband, to the point of deliberately turning a blind eye to the fact that he was a murderer in order to keep his youth and strength. She sacrificed a whole lot of things, including ultimately her own identity, to be with him. There is no doubt of how much she loved him. But it wasn't an easy life to live.
Sam: You and Brick had to go underground from time to time to hide your secret.
Eleanor: Every 10 years or so he would re-emerge with a new look, a new name. And me, I was the wife, the woman in hiding, and then when I got into my 40s I became... Brick's mother. Eleanor. I am so tired. You can't imagine the burden of it all.
Dean: We better get going. Just wanted you to know it really is over now.
Eleanor: It had to be, one way or another. I half thought you might fail and Randa would come after me. Either way, I'd finally be at peace.
The implication is not saying that Dean being his brother is a burden -- but the hunting lifestyle is. Fake IDs, constant lies, no close connections to the world, because if they knew the truth they'd think you were crazy or they get killed. But then -- he lost everything. And in losing everything -- Bobby, Dean, a roadmap of what to do next... Sam reached a place where it finally felt over. He was finally free to enjoy some peace.
Carry on, my wayward son. Because back comes Dean into the picture, disrupting the idea that he was done.
And Sam is resistant. So he speaks up, trying to clearly convey what he really wants. It's not particlarly tactful, especially when considering his brother isn't coming from a place of having a year off, able to enjoy the good things in life. But it is honest. Motivated because he doesn't want Dean to set up false ideas or hope about where Sam plans to be once they finish off this one last mission of closing the gates of Hell. So he projects.
Dean: I know when I am at my best. And that is right here, driving down crazy street, next to you.
Sam: Makes sense.
Dean: Yes it does.
Sam: Or maybe you don't need me. Maybe you're at your best hacking and slicing your way through all the world's crap alone. Not having to explain yourself to anybody.
Dean: Yeah, that makes sense. Seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff.
Sam: Look, I'm not saying I'm bailing on you. I'm just saying make room for the possibility that we want different things. I mean, I want my time to count for something.
Dean: So, what we do doesn't count?
Aren't you tired of always having to explain yourself?
It's not that Sam doesn't think hunting isn't without value in this world. He's admitted that before.
Dean: Ever since dad... all I can think about is how much this job's cost us. We've lost so much. We've.. sacrificed so much.
Sam: But people are alive because of you. It's worth it, Dean. It is. It's not fair, and.. you know, it hurts like hell, but.. it's worth it. (2.20)
But the life, the sacrifices... he is done. It's worth it, if that is what you want to do, what you find personal meaning in. He doesn't. Meaning was imposed upon him his whole life, and now he wants a chance to find it for himself. Check out his options. Maybe Dean will prove to be right, that Sam can find a sense of meaning from the hunting life. But Sam has to discover that for himself, not have it imposed upon him by someone else's choices.
That is where Dean is out of line. I believe, however, that Dean's response isn't coming from a desire to control Sam's life, but from a place of fear. Losing Sam as a part of his life.
The painful thing about Sam's honesty doesn't come from him being open. It comes from him trying so hard to make a point that there is a sense of shutout happening. Ouch, Sam. Because if I were to take Sam's attitude at face value... I would think he doesn't want much of anything to do with Dean, not just the hunting life. His brother. The one person who has sacrificed the most for his sake. The one who asks the most in return. And there's the rub. Being asked to give something you don't want to give.
They have had this conversation before. Granted, it's been awhile.
Dean: Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?
Sam: ‘Cause Dad was in trouble. ‘Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom.
Dean: Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man. You and me and Dad-I mean, I want us….I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again.
Sam: Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before
Dean: Could be.
Sam: I don’t want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way. (1.16)
Back then, Sam included a reassurance that they would still be family even if they went their separate ways. Does Dean remember that?
Dean: I can’t do this alone.
Sam: Yes, you can.
Dean: Yeah, well... I don’t want to. (1.01)
Back then, Dean admitted that he could hunt alone, but he didn't want to. Does Sam remember that?
The other mirror in this episode: Brick and Dean.
Eleanor: [Brick] wasn't just the warrior whose only reason for living was combat. We were deeply, deeply in love.
Eleanor: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and he had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge.
Brick was the consumate athlete. His life revolved around this one thing. But then... he changed. Opened himself up to more. He married his Betsy because he loved her. In the end, he loved her so much he ended his life before he had to go on without her.
Dean is reinvested in being a hunter, the whole she-bang, but that's not all he wants. He wants his family with him too. He doesn't want to be alone.
Why does Dean keep trying to force an admission that it's good to be back, the dynamic duo, wind in their hair and a case to dig their teeth into? Because he doesn't see much else holding them together as family. When they're together, having each other's back, working the job, that's what he knows. Black and white. You're either with me or you're not.
And let's be honest, family history has taught him this lesson. In the past, when Sam tried for a "normal life" and left the family business, it was a complete break. Is it possible to handle things differently this time around, should the day come? The easy answer is to say, of course. But... really, is it so easy?
Who is Dean supposed to be able to talk about "this stuff", his life, if not Sam? And if Sam wants nothing to do with hunting, what is left to share with him? They don't exactly have a lot in common, being very different people. Take away that and what's left?
Does Dean's life have to revolve completely around just one thing, the hunt? Or can he open up to allow for more in his life, an opening for Sam to have a place without trapping his brother into a life that imposes a false identity on him? Sam hasn't been reassured that being with Dean will mean he can still be himself, pursue his own interests. He wants that freedom. Is Dean willing to recognize this? Does it have to be all or nothing?
And Sam, well... Sam can say he's not gonna bail on Dean, that they're still a family even if they don't hunt together, but how is that supposed to actually reassure Dean that this time will be different? Dean doesn't do alone well. He doesn't want it, never has. Ultimately, he does want more than just the hunt. He wants his family connection too. Is Sam willing to recognize this? Does it have to be all together, or all alone?
Right now Sam and Dean appear to be at an impasse. They want different things from life. Where's the common ground? Is this a hopeless case of something's gotta give?
Or maybe... what if they both give? What if they remain determined to find a solution that allows for a connection to re-establish between them? Make the effort to create some common ground without losing themselves in the process? Compromise, in other words.
Impossible?
Dude. This is the Winchesters we're talking about. They eat impossible for breakfast, and twice on Tuesdays, I mean Thursdays... I mean Fridays... I mean... Wednesdays.
I think the real question is how do they remain a part of each other's lives? Something they both need to think about with honesty. The questions have been raised, now it is time for Sam and Dean to get real and start figuring out some answers.