[OneShot] Hyukjae, I Am Not Drunk Tonight, Kanghyuk
Title : Hyukjae, I Am Not Drunk Tonight
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Hard R (I guess?)
Character/Pairing : Eunhyuk, Kangin/KangHyuk
Word Count : 5892 words
Genre : angst like whoa!
Summary : ”Hyukjae sometimes wonders how it feels to be fucked by Kangin when he is sober.”
Author’s note: Okay, firstly, let me flails a bit, because OMFG I WROTE A SMUT!! Well, sort of… XD And I fail. And secondly, Donghae is back to China and Hyukjae is alone and Kangin is there and he’s buff and manly and drinks all the time and Hyukjae is his favorite dongsaeng (at least in my mind he is). So I figured, KangHyuk? Why the hell not?
Hope you guys like it. It was beta-ed by lovely Robyn a.k.a duosbabygirl.
"Here."
or
Tonight is another hot night.
Hyukjae can feel a bid of sweat gliding through his hair, passes his cheek, and falls on the sheet. He tries to stifle a moan rippling through his throat when Kangin’s thrusts go faster. Kangin’s big hand is on his cock, pumping him with very clumsy moves. The clumsiness you only get when you’re drunk as hell. Hyukjae sometimes wonders how it feels to be fucked by Kangin when he is sober. But Kangin only comes to him when he’s drunk like this. It still feels so good though, so Hyukjae doesn’t complain.
Not that he ever complained before.
Kangin grunts above him and Hyukjae can tell that he is close, and Kangin’s frantic hand on Hyukjae’s cock makes sure that Hyukjae is too.
Hyukjae gasps when he finally reaches his climax. Wave after wave of electricity is pulsating through him as he spills onto the bed. Kangin follows him right after, as always never bothers to pull out. Hyukjae doesn’t mind it anyway.
Hyukjae winces when Kangin pulls out after a while. He feels so boneless that once Kangin’s hands leave his body, he drops onto the bed. Kangin moves to pull Hyukjae into his embrace and Hyukjae lets out a content sigh as he snuggled securely inside Kangin’s strong arm. Hyukjae feels so sleepy but he fights to keep his eyes open because he knows at any moment Kangin will let him go and he will hear Kangin’s reckless moves as he steps off the bed. When Kangin does, Hyukjae watches him look around for his shirt while sloppily fastening his pants. He finally finds it after he knocks some of Hyukjae’s shoes scattered on the floor around and wears it quickly.
Don’t say it.
Kangin stood for a moment, looking blearily at Hyukjae who is sprawled on his stomach.
Don’t say it.
But Hyukjae always say it in the end. Though it does nothing and helps nothing with the way they are, Hyukjae can’t stop himself from lifting his head up, looking at Kangin’s eyes, and says, “Please stay.”
Because Hyukjae still believes and he still has hopes.
As always, Kangin doesn’t say anything. He just reaches out for Hyukjae’s blanket (which he usually finds on the floor because one of them had kicked it down earlier) and uses it to cover Hyukjae’s thin body. A gesture that always succeeds in making Hyukjae proud of him because even when he’s drunk, Kangin is still a Hyung that cares about his dongsaeng.
“Hyung, please stay.” Hyukjae says once again.
But tonight too, Hyukjae must see Kangin’s back when he turns around, switches off the light and stumbles out of the room, leaving Hyukjae to drops his head down on the bed again and gaze through the dark until sleep finds him with tears lining on his cheeks.
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Hyukjae can’t remember why he loves Kangin in the first place. But when he realized it, he has fallen too deep and too hard.
He no longer feels annoyed when Kangin picks on him but feels happy instead. Because Kangin doesn’t pick on Ryeowook. Or Donghae. Or Shindong. Or Sungmin. Or any other dongsaengs of his as a matter of fact. He just picks on Hyukjae.
It can be because Ryeowook is too insolent and Donghae is too spacey and Shindong is more than able to pick on him back and Sungmin knows martial arts too much and the other dongsaengs are too smart (Kyuhyun) or too cool (Kibum) or too suave (Shiwon) for Kangin to pick on. And it also can be because of thousands of other reasons. But Hyukjae still feels that to Kangin, he is a bit special.
He starts to take extra care towards his things given by Kangin. He starts to search for Kangin’s presence when they are in a room together. And at one point, he starts to imagine that it’s Kangin’s hands, and Kangin’s lips that ghost over his body when he jerks himself off in the shower.
But then one night, it starts getting more complicated than that.
All other members had gone to sleep, but Hyukjae was still sitting in front of the TV, playing soccer games alone. It was not because Kangin hasn’t been home from his drinking and gathering, Hyukjae told himself. It was just because he wasn’t sleepy yet.
Another yawn assaulted him and Hyukjae glances to the clock on the wall. 1.30 am is what it showed him.
Hyukjae was about to turn off the TV when he heard clatters outside the door. Someone was trying to unlock the door and it sounded like he failed miserably.
Hyukjae waited until the fifth clatters and the tenth curse words heard before he rose and walked towards the door. He unlocked it slowly and opened it to find Kangin stood in front of him. Reeks of alcohol assaulting Hyukjae’s nose but he quickly reached out to help Kangin who picked that time to stumble.
“Hyukjae?” Kangin slurred on Hyukjae’s ears. Hyukjae couldn’t help it when a shiver ran through his back at the hotness of Kangin’s breath on his sensitive skin.
“Welcome home, Hyung.”
Hyukjae sighed when he only received a grunt as an answer.
With a lot of difficulties, Hyukjae managed to hold Kangin up long enough to walk towards his room. It’s late and Eeteuk-hyung is a light sleeper and Hyukjae was sure they’d wake him if Hyukjae brought Kangin to the room his two hyungs share. So his bed was the safest choice and that was where he dragged Kangin.
Kangin was heavy and his stumbling didn’t help for even a bit. Hyukjae was out of breath by the time they reached his bed. That was why he could only gasp when Kangin suddenly dropped himself down on the bed and dragging Hyukjae along with him.
Well, this is not good, was what Hyukjae thought when he found himself sprawled on top of Kangin’s body with Kangin’s hand still slung over his shoulder. Hyukjae made a move to get up.
“Hyukjae.”
Hyukjae stopped his effort midways and looked at Kangin’s face. What he saw paralyzed him. Kangin’s eyes were glazed with something Hyukjae couldn’t name but sent his nerves on fire nevertheless. Then Kangin kissed him. On the lips. Hard. And wet. And Kangin’s arms on his shoulder moved to touch Hyukjae somewhere. Everywhere. Leaving trails of warmth Hyukjae could feel through his thin layer of pajamas. Hyukjae found himself kissing Kangin back, just as hard, because this was what he had always wanted. This was what he had always dreamt of. Now that this was happened, Hyukjae didn’t stop for questions or reasons. Not when he could feel Kangin hardened beneath his pants. And especially not when he could hear Kangin called out his name again when they paused to take a breath.
When Kangin finally fucked him, it was nothing like his dreams. Kangin was rough. And it was painful. And the only words Kangin said were Hyukjae’s name, over and over again. But Hyukjae liked it anyway. Because this is Kangin, and when they came together, Kangin kissed him like there was no tomorrow.
That was why when Hyukjae woke up next morning and found that Kangin had left some time at night, he only felt a bit bad. Just a little.
Hyukjae got up and fumbled around to find his pajamas scattered on the floor. He put them on and walked towards the bathroom to shower. They had pretty packed schedules that morning and Hyukjae didn’t want to stall everyone by being late.
He saw Kangin in the kitchen with some other members, having breakfast. Kangin saw him too. A grin formed on Kangin’s face and just like any other day, he teased Hyukjae for being a sleepyhead. Hyukjae smiled like it’s any other day too. Because last night was just one night when Kangin was drunk and horny and Hyukjae was there.
Kangin didn’t drag him to somewhere private to talk about last night and Hyukjae didn’t ask.
But when the next night, and two nights after that, and many nights after that (Hyukjae has lost count) he found Kangin stumbled drunkenly in to his room and embraced him again, Hyukjae can’t help but letting himself believe that there is something more.
Though he still woke up alone in the morning, Hyukjae didn’t complain because one night is one thing, but many nights must mean something. And that thought kept him satisfied.
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It doesn’t last long though.
You see, just for example, you can tell Sungmin that he is prettier than any girl you’ve met and that he’s cute and all that, but you must never tell Sungmin that he should’ve been born as a girl. You can tease Shiwon about his grand gestures and his unhealthy obsession to skinship towards men, but you must never accuse him (even for jokes) that he is gay. You can say almost anything to Donghae but you must never tell him that aliens do not exist. You can cut Yesung’s part on every variety show he was on but you must never deny him his morning coffee. And if you want to stay alive, you must never ever refuse Heechul’s whims.
Everybody has a limit.
And Hyukjae has been too naive to think that he doesn’t have it, because after some times, things between him and Kangin are no longer enough to satisfy him.
Hyukjae starts to want more (he believes they can be more).
It’s getting harder and harder to wake up alone when he can still feel Kangin’s touch and Kangin’s kiss from the night before.
It’s getting harder and harder to smile and pretend that he isn’t jealous to death when he finds Kangin is all over Eeteuk-hyung and everyone jokes about them being together just because nobody knows that it’s Hyukjae that Kangin fucks every night (when he’s drunk).
And it’s getting harder and harder to keep himself from telling Kangin that Hyukjae loves him, and find out Kangin’s answer to that.
Hyukjae hates this, because it makes him act like a fucking girl. But a feeling is not something you can turn on or off at will. And even though most men are satisfied to just have their object of wet dreams fucks them almost every night, but Hyukjae is not one of them. He already bid his goodbye to white picket fences and pearly teeth smiles of his own kids waiting for him home ever since he realized that he is gay, but Hyukjae still dreams of loving someone and being loved back without any restraints.
So he begins to beg Kangin to stay after that night. And it hurts when he failed. Again and again and again and Kangin still left him alone in the end. But Hyukjae still believes and he still has hopes, because it is still him whom Kangin drunkenly looks for at night. Not Eeteuk-hyung. Not other members. Not some random girls. It’s Hyukjae.
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Kangin knows why he kissed Hyukjae in the first place.
It’s because he had spent his high school time watching and laughing along his friends who bullied a poor boy because he was a gay and wondering how his friends would react if he told them that sometimes when his girlfriend wouldn’t put out with him he’d jerked off to some random cute and hot guy pictures he found in the magazine.
It’s because lately he has been having too many dreams of Hyukjae sprawled on top of him just like that with his beautiful collarbone peeked under his pajamas.
It’s because he can easily imagine Hyukjae’s skin being whiter and smoother than any girl he ever met and how his breathy moans can make Kangin hard in just two and a half seconds.
It’s because Hyukjae is so cute and nice and kind and pure that it makes Kangin’s torn between teasing him all the time or to growl protectively at anyone who dares to bother him.
And mainly, it’s because lately he often feels Hyukjae’s gaze towards him, leaving him hot and bothered and in a sudden need of alcohol.
And when that night (and other nights that follows) happened, Kangin finds himself remembering everything.
The fact that he remembers is a weird thing because he was drunk. He was always drunk.
Hell, he couldn’t even walk straight or talked without slurring but he remembers Hyukjae’s white smooth skin under his grasps. He remembers Hyukjae’s soft voice, calling him Hyung when he thrust into him over and over again. He remembers Hyukjae, hot and tight around him. And he remembers Hyukjae’s soft and tender lips under his when Kangin kissed him hungrily.
But then he remembers feeling so messed up every time he felt sober enough to realize that he was on Hyukjae’s bed, with Hyukjae naked and sleeping soundly beside him. He can remember feeling scared. Because he is already 24 years old this year for God sake, and his parent keeps asking him to bring a girl home and introduce her to them properly. Because despite all the dreams he have about Hyukjae, he also dreams of two stories house with a beautiful wife nagging him to stop drinking and two or three kids who can’t wait to see him home because then he’ll tell them stories about how he would conquer the stage once again and save the day.
So he can also remember feeling a bit angry to Hyukjae because Kangin has worked so hard to fuck (to love) girls and only girls. But Hyukjae is there with his smiles and his willing body and Kangin can not resist.
That’s why he always do the best he can in his drunken stupor to never say anything but Hyukjae’s name when he touches and kisses and fucks and leaves Hyukjae late at night afterwards to crawl back to his own bed, careful as to not wake Eeteuk up. And in the morning he’ll grin to Hyukjae and tease him like any other day and makes sure that Hyukjae knows that what happens the night before is only because Kangin was drunk and it doesn’t mean anything. Not even a bit.
Not even when he’ll be drunk again the next night, and two nights after that, and many nights after that (Kangin has lost count) and again he’ll find his way stumblingly to Hyukjae’s room because he knows Hyukjae will be just there, on his bed, with his smiles and his willing body.
People calls it a cycle. Kangin calls it a countdown-to-the-biggest-fuck-up-of-his-life. Because it’s easy at first to turn his back and leave Hyukjae alone, but lately he finds it getting harder to slip off Hyukjae’s warm body. Lately, staring at Hyukjae who is snuggled beneath him, Kangin can’t help but wonders how Hyukjae’s sleeping face will look like in the morning light (will it be as beautiful as this?). And when Hyukjae starts begging him to stay with eyes full of hopes and voice raw from the sex, Kangin is this close to comply and walks towards bed again and hug Hyukjae’s lithe form and tells him that he’ll stay and he’ll always stay so please stop looking so miserable, goddammit!
Kangin realizes he is at the edge now and he’s getting closer and closer to his own freefall but although he can’t stop the countdown, he can’t afford to just give up.
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Hyukjae doesn’t know what makes tonight different than the others. Maybe it’s because earlier in the group interview the reporter was asking them about who it is among them that seems like he is going to marry first, and everyone but Hyukjae (he pointed at Eeteuk-hyung) pointed at Kangin who smiled widely and acknowledged it with ease. Or maybe it’s because he can feel Kangin’s gaze on him lingered longer and longer on those nights before he finally walked out of his room and closed the door behind him softly. Or maybe it’s simply because Hyukjae just can’t stand it anymore. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that tonight Hyukjae has gotten to this point where instead of letting Kangin stepped off the bed after they both can catch their breath like he used to do, Hyukjae rises up and holds Kangin’s hand with determination of not letting go. The second Hyukjae’s hands grab Kangin’s, Hyukjae can feel Kangin’s whole body go rigid. But Hyukjae can’t back away now even when he can feel his heartbeat thrumming in his ears.
Kangin stares at the long and dainty fingers that are grabbing his hand firmly before he meets Hyukjae’s eyes. Kangin looks so unsure and cornered and it makes Hyukjae wants to let go, but he doesn’t.
“Hyung, please stay.”
Kangin’s eyes are clouded with many things Hyukjae can’t identify until Kangin finally closes his eyes.
“Hyukjae…”
Hyukjae rises up more and pulls Kangin’s hand to get him closer.
“Hyung…. This…. Us…. “ Desperation is clear in his voice but he continues anyway. “Doesn’t this mean anything?”
Silence fills the room. And it’s long, too long for Hyukjae’s taste. Hyukjae takes a deep breath he doesn’t even realize he’s holding when finally Kangin’s eyes opened, revealing a cold and empty gaze.
“Hyukjae.” Kangin starts while he is moving his other hand to pry Hyukjae’s fingers off his.
“Hyung…” Hyukjae says when two of his fingers are pried off.
“Look, Hyukjae…” And three more fingers pried off.
“Kangin-hyung…” Hyukjae tries to close his fingers again but Kangin is too fucking strong.
“Hyukjae, it’s late.” Kangin’s voice is slurring a bit but it’s soft and slow like he’s talking to a kid. “You don’t want to wake up late tomorrow, right? Eeteuk will eat up your head if you do.”
Kangin pries off two more fingers.
“Hyung…” Hyukjae can hear sobs in his voice now, but he doesn’t care.
Kangin’s moves on Hyukjae’s hands look frantic now and his breath sounds heavier as minutes pass.
“Hyung, please…”
Suddenly all of Hyukjae’s fingers pried off and Hyukjae finds Kangin standing very close in front of him, strong hands on both of his shoulders and then Kangin is shaking him. Hard.
“Listen Hyukjae, for God sake please listen to me this time!” Kangin’s eyes are all wide and Hyukjae can see red (anger) and blue (sadness) and black (desperation) inside it.
“This…. All of these nights…, they mean nothing to me. You hear? It can’t mean a thing to me. So don’t let them mean something to you because that just won’t do any good for both of us.”
And with that words Kangin let go off Hyukjae’s shoulders, grabs his shirt on the floor and quickly walks towards door.
“Go to sleep, Hyukjae.” And then he closes the door.
Hyukjae doesn’t know how long he just stands there, staring blankly at the closed door, but when he finally moves, he fishes his blanket from the floor next to him with trembled hands and uses it to cover his whole body as he is lying down on the crumpled sheet. Kangin-hyung is right. Tomorrow they’ll have morning schedule and he doesn’t want to wake up late. He fixes the blanket surrounding him once again because why it suddenly feels so cold?
And suddenly Hyukjae finds himself giggling uncontrollably because really. Who is he kidding now? Of course it means nothing, even from the start. He should’ve known all of that instead of keep on dreaming stupidly by himself. It is all so simple, actually. Kangin was drunk and there was Hyukjae: stupid, needy, willing, and gay.
So what don’t you get, Lee Hyukjae?
Well, now he gets it. He is Kangin’s cheap whore. At least Hyukjae understand this much now. And Hyukjae laughs because it’s a bit absurd. If Hyukjae is a whore, shouldn’t Kangin pay?
Maybe I’ll start charging.
Hyukjae laughs even more because this was all really fucking hilarious and Hyukjae is only slightly realizing the numb in his hands from gripping the sheets too tightly and the tears brimming in his eyes.
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The next day, and the next, and the next, and the day after will be just like any day. They will have schedules: dancing and singing practices, fan meetings, performances, interviews, and some awards events to attend.
At the end of each day, Hyukjae will always feel so tired that he won’t even care about Donghae’s repeated questions about why lately his face looks like alien had kidnapped him at night (because, Hyuk, if it’s true the alien had come to your room and you didn’t even bother to tell me then I won’t talk to you anymore), or many of Hankyung’s pats on his shoulder, or Shiwon’s constant worried glances, or Sungmin’s increasing frequency of hugs, or Shindong’s futile attempts to make him laugh at his jokes, or Heechul’s bitching about how lately he always manages to bring everyone’s mood down and for fuck sake Hyukjae please at least do something about your fake smile because you are starting to look like you’re trying to imitate my ssukso and fail badly.
But really, if everyone won’t believe that their packed up schedules everyday is the one that lately cause Hyukjae to smile so little and laugh even less or feels blank at some random moment (“Hyukjae-hyung”, Ryeowook’s voice was a bit unsure, “the reporter is asking you a question, you know?”), then everyone can just fuck off for all Hyukjae cares.
And if it is also causing him to act like a certain member isn’t there then it’s also nobody’s business but his.
It doesn’t matter anyway because Kangin will still come home drunk almost every night and Hyukjae will be woken up by the sound of his door opened and he’ll find Kangin standing just right there, looking at him with bleary eyes and unsure stance and breath reeks of alcohol and Hyukjae will rise up from the bed and start to open the buttons of his pajamas one by one. Kangin will wait patiently until Hyukjae strips himself all the way to his boxer though sometimes he’ll move forward to help Hyukjae to do it. Then Kangin will touch him and kiss him and fuck him and afterwards Hyukjae will pull the blankets all over the body, never again bothering to know whether Kangin will stay or leave because he’s done his share and now he’s sleepy and isn’t this what all whores do after they finish servicing their customers?
“Don’t turn off the lights when you go out, Hyung.” Hyukjae will always say before turning to his side to sleep because lately darkness scares him though he is too tired to figure out why.
So Kangin will leave the lights on before he slips out of the room and closes the door softly just like always. But what Hyukjae doesn’t know is that afterwards, instead of finding his way to his own room like he used to do, Kangin will lean his body on Hyukjae’s closed door and curse under his breath and wish he has something he can throw across the room.
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“Why are you doing this?”
Kangin freezes. He has just laid his body down on his own bed when he hears Eeteuk’s voice from the bed across his.
“Hyung…”
Eeteuk turns his body to the side so he can see Kangin who is lying on his bed with his head turned towards Eeteuk.
“Kangin, why are you doing this?” Eeteuk repeats his question.
Kangin looks at Eeteuk for a moment before he averts his gaze to the ceiling. “Sorry for waking you up, Hyung. I’ll be more careful next time.”
“I was awake. You didn’t wake me up. And you haven’t answered my question.” Eeteuk says.
When he finds a lack of response from Kangin, Eeteuk sighs. “Look, Kangin. I’m not blind and I am not dumb. I found it weird enough to hear you come home from your drinking almost every night yet only after an hour or two then I heard you crawl to your bed. It’s even weirder when I knew the reason for that is because you always went to Hyukjae’s room first. It didn’t take Kyuhyun’s brain to add two and two and figured out why you always go there.”
Kangin gives Eeteuk his infamous glare but it is Eeteuk so the glare doesn’t give as much effect as Kangin hope it does. “Hyung, it’s rude to sneak around other people’s business. And what happened between Hyukjae and me is none of your business.”
Eeteuk doesn’t even flinch at Kangin’s harsh words. He knows Kangin too well to know that this dongsaeng of his is currently in one of his defense mode. “None of my business, is it?”
Kangin can tell from Eeteuk’s tone that this is going to be a long night.
“Kangin-ah, you know that no matter how I always complain that I’m too tired and too old to be the leader, I always take my position seriously. And this thing happening between you and Hyukjae has disturbed the group balance in more than one way. I mean, seriously, our performance yesterday? Hyukjae missed his step. Hyukjae never misses his step.”
“Then what do you want me to do?”
Eeteuk shrugs. “You said it yourself. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Just do something to fix this mess you’ve caused.“
“But Hyung…. I can’t. It’s complicated.” Kangin can almost see his parent’s face and his two story dream house with a beautiful dream wife and kids fleeting in his mind as he is saying it and suddenly he’s back in high school again, sneering and laughing along his gang while watching some of them beating a gay boy black and blue. Kangin squeezes his eyes shut to rid the image because suddenly he feels so hypocrite and fake all over again and he’s scared.
Eeteuk just watches him until he feels he can open his eyes without wanting to throw up.
“Then stop doing this to him. You are many things, Kim Youngwoon, but I’ve never seen you being this selfish and heartless.” Eeteuk says softly.
Kangin has nothing to say to that because Eeteuk just won’t understand how hard he had tried to just walk straight to his own bed every time he came home drunk yet he always failed to do so because in his memories he still can feel Hyukjae’s soft smooth skin under his exploring fingers and he can still hear Hyukjae’s breathy moans calling him Hyung over and over again and he can still picture Hyukjae’s beautiful sleeping face as he snuggled inside Kangin’s arm tiredly. And trying to be sober doesn’t work either because even if he’s sober he still wants Hyukjae badly. But being drunk is the only reason he can afford to give for what he has been doing to Hyukjae so he’ll drink and he’ll drink and he’ll be drunk already when he walks into Hyukjae’s room in the late of night.
But Eeteuk understands anyway because Kangin hears him say, “You can’t, can you?”
Kangin doesn’t answer. It’s rhetorical. And for a long moment none of them says anything.
“Kangin-ah, are you happy right now?” Eeteuk’s voice breaks the silence.
Kangin wants to think about it before he answers, but the answer is so clear that it only took seconds before he says, “No, Hyung.” And it’s true. He never feels such unhappiness like this before and the image of Hyukjae’s resigned face, his lack of emotion when Kangin embraces him lately are entering his mind and Kangin can feel his heart clenched painfully.
“Then be happy.” Eeteuk says.
Kangin turns his head to the side to meet Eeteuk’s gaze.
“Everyone who loves you would want you to be happy. So stop hurting yourself and hurting Hyukjae because we’ll always be here for you no matter what. Well, at least I will.”
Eeteuk smiles his dimpled smile and yawn. “I’m going to sleep now. Think about what I said.” Then he turns his body to another side and says nothing more for the rest of the night.
When Kangin wakes up in the morning, there’s only one thing in his mind: to be happy.
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It’s already late at night when just like always, Kangin finds himself in Hyukjae’s room. Except this time, he is sober. And he is anxious. Not only because the things he’ll do tonight will surely change his life, but also because he is not sure what Hyukjae’s reaction will be. Kangin knows he has wronged him so much and hurt him too deeply.
Hyukjae, like always, is there on his bed, lying with a gaze to the ceiling. It’s only when Kangin sits next to him on the side of the bed then he makes moves to acknowledge the older man: looks at Kangin for just a moment with blank eyes before rises up to sit and starts to unbutton his pajamas. Kangin feels the pain in his heart increasing sharply when he watches Hyukjae strips the pajama shirts with methodical movement. If Kangin doesn’t know better (Kangin can always see Hyukjae’s hands on the button trembles a bit), he’d think Hyukjae’s movements are like a robot. Kangin wonders how badly has he damaged Hyukjae because someone’s not supposed to look that resigned and distant in this kind of situation.
“Hyukjae.” Kangin places a hand on Hyukjae’s to stop him from doing what he is doing.
Hyukjae stops but keeps his gaze down to his lap.
“Hyukjae, I am not drunk tonight.” Kangin says hoarsely, doesn’t know how else he can start explaining why he’s here tonight.
Hyukjae doesn’t say anything for a moment but then his hands under Kangin’s move again, except this time it is to button up his pajamas. “I see. I’m sorry then, Hyung. Just don’t forget to leave the lights on like usual before you leave.”
“Hyukjae, I’m sorry.” Kangin finally blurts out.
Hyukjae freezes. Then for the first time that night, he meets Kangin’s eyes. “For what?”
Kangin finds himself being overwhelmed when he can see emotion that wasn’t there before is starting to swirl in Hyukjae’s brown eyes and suddenly all the words he had prepared before is lost and he feels so much regret that it is choking him.
“For this…. For everything.”
Hyukjae’s expression hardened and suddenly he brings his hand to Kangin’s pants, fumbling with the zipper. “Here, Hyung. Let me.”
Kangin is so shocked with Hyukjae’s act that for a moment he can’t even move. But then he realized what Hyukjae is about to do.
“Hyukjae, stop it!” Kangin tries to free himself from Hyukjae’s wondering hands.
But Hyukjae doesn’t stop and struggles to open Kangin’s pants, all the while squeezing and rubbing in all the right places that Kangin can feel himself start to harden.
“Hyukjae, stop it! It’s not what I came here for tonight.” Kangin is flushed now. He tries to pull Hyukjae’s arms to keep him away but Hyukjae is unbelievably strong and suddenly Hyukjae pushes Kangin hard and Kangin finds himself on his back on the bed with Hyukjae on his stomach.
“Hyukjae…” Kangin’s voice is frantic now because he can feel Hyukjae start grinding his ass to Kangin’s crotch while he bends over and whispers hotly to Kangin’s ear. “Hyung, I can feel you so hard down there. You always like it when I do this, don’t you?”
And Kangin can feel tears start to form in his eyes because he knows why Hyukjae is doing this and he feels so horrible because Kangin knows he can only blame himself for what happened.
“God, Hyukjae. I’m so sorry…. Please don’t do this.” Kangin says with a single tear falling on his cheek, holding Hyukjae’s hips to keep him from moving because this is Hyukjae with his soft smooth skin and his breathy whispers and his slender body and Kangin can’t help it if now his heartbeat is racing and his cock is fully hard.
When Kangin meets Hyukjae’s eyes, he can see anger and sadness and confusion collides there that makes Kangin so badly want to kiss him just to make it all go away.
“Hyukjae…. I’m really sorry.”
Once again Hyukjae bends down and hisses in Kangin’s ear, “Fuck, Hyung. Stop talking.” And Kangin stops.
“Fuck me.” Hyukjae says.
So Kangin does. Because he doesn’t know what else to do and because he can hear a pleading among the anger and the sadness and the confusion in Hyukjae’s voice.
Hyukjae is demanding and wild and Kangin is complying and rough that Kangin finds himself remembering the first night they shared together. But tonight it’s different, because tonight he is not drunk and he is not fucking Hyukjae. Tonight he is sober and he is making love to him. Kangin makes sure Hyukjae knows it in the way Kangin thrusts and caresses and kisses him and before long Kangin can feel it in Hyukjae’s moans and bites and cries that Hyukjae is starting to understand (and starting to forgive, Kangin hopes). And when both of them reach their completion, Kangin whispers in Hyukjae’s ear,
“I love you.”
--------00---------
It’s already morning when Kangin wakes up and he smiles at the realization that he is on Hyukjae’s bed and that he is hugging Hyukjae tightly while the younger man snuggles peacefully on his chest. Kangin doesn’t know what time it is, but he doesn’t care too much because he had been right all this time. Hyukjae’s sleeping face in the morning light indeed looks so breathtaking and Kangin feels his heart becomes so full with feelings he never thought he can have before.
Some voices are starting to be heard outside the door and Kangin figures that some of the members must have woken up. The voices seem to wake Hyukjae because he stirs a bit and Kangin unconsciously holds his breath as he watches Hyukjae’s eyes flutter open slowly. Their eyes met and Kangin can see as confusion followed by realization dawns on Hyukjae’s face. Hyukjae lifts one of his hands to touch Kangin’s cheek and Kangin finds himself releasing a content sigh when he feels Hyukjae’s warmth seeping into him.
“Hyung…, you stayed.” Hyukjae’s voice is a mixture between disbelief and fear and hope. So Kangin kisses him to make him (and himself) believe that it’s true and it’s real.
“From now on, I’ll always stay.” Kangin whispers between the kisses and Kangin knows his life will never be the same again but if it means he’ll wake up like this every morning then it’s okay.
----------00-------------
(As the world spinning, I have only you
I have nothing to say, since I can't even say anything
There are no more tears, nor feelings
Look at me standing in front of you
I'm the one living for you
The promised time has come
I am in front of you although I'm crying in fear
You wiped away my tears, you held my hand
I'm going to stand back up…)
[Happiness for you who has always been there for me
I close my eyes and beckoned you
I found you in my heart
I can see the light that shines on me
I can't let go of the eternal happiness
Can you see me, please call out for me anytime
I'll be by your side, I love you
Let's stay together, you and me forever]
(Happiness - Super Junior, full translation credit to SJ Fullhouse Net)
END
PS: Oh, God. The ending. *palms face* I need to stop reading too much Harlequin.
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Hard R (I guess?)
Character/Pairing : Eunhyuk, Kangin/KangHyuk
Word Count : 5892 words
Genre : angst like whoa!
Summary : ”Hyukjae sometimes wonders how it feels to be fucked by Kangin when he is sober.”
Author’s note: Okay, firstly, let me flails a bit, because OMFG I WROTE A SMUT!! Well, sort of… XD And I fail. And secondly, Donghae is back to China and Hyukjae is alone and Kangin is there and he’s buff and manly and drinks all the time and Hyukjae is his favorite dongsaeng (at least in my mind he is). So I figured, KangHyuk? Why the hell not?
Hope you guys like it. It was beta-ed by lovely Robyn a.k.a duosbabygirl.
"Here."
or
Tonight is another hot night.
Hyukjae can feel a bid of sweat gliding through his hair, passes his cheek, and falls on the sheet. He tries to stifle a moan rippling through his throat when Kangin’s thrusts go faster. Kangin’s big hand is on his cock, pumping him with very clumsy moves. The clumsiness you only get when you’re drunk as hell. Hyukjae sometimes wonders how it feels to be fucked by Kangin when he is sober. But Kangin only comes to him when he’s drunk like this. It still feels so good though, so Hyukjae doesn’t complain.
Not that he ever complained before.
Kangin grunts above him and Hyukjae can tell that he is close, and Kangin’s frantic hand on Hyukjae’s cock makes sure that Hyukjae is too.
Hyukjae gasps when he finally reaches his climax. Wave after wave of electricity is pulsating through him as he spills onto the bed. Kangin follows him right after, as always never bothers to pull out. Hyukjae doesn’t mind it anyway.
Hyukjae winces when Kangin pulls out after a while. He feels so boneless that once Kangin’s hands leave his body, he drops onto the bed. Kangin moves to pull Hyukjae into his embrace and Hyukjae lets out a content sigh as he snuggled securely inside Kangin’s strong arm. Hyukjae feels so sleepy but he fights to keep his eyes open because he knows at any moment Kangin will let him go and he will hear Kangin’s reckless moves as he steps off the bed. When Kangin does, Hyukjae watches him look around for his shirt while sloppily fastening his pants. He finally finds it after he knocks some of Hyukjae’s shoes scattered on the floor around and wears it quickly.
Don’t say it.
Kangin stood for a moment, looking blearily at Hyukjae who is sprawled on his stomach.
Don’t say it.
But Hyukjae always say it in the end. Though it does nothing and helps nothing with the way they are, Hyukjae can’t stop himself from lifting his head up, looking at Kangin’s eyes, and says, “Please stay.”
Because Hyukjae still believes and he still has hopes.
As always, Kangin doesn’t say anything. He just reaches out for Hyukjae’s blanket (which he usually finds on the floor because one of them had kicked it down earlier) and uses it to cover Hyukjae’s thin body. A gesture that always succeeds in making Hyukjae proud of him because even when he’s drunk, Kangin is still a Hyung that cares about his dongsaeng.
“Hyung, please stay.” Hyukjae says once again.
But tonight too, Hyukjae must see Kangin’s back when he turns around, switches off the light and stumbles out of the room, leaving Hyukjae to drops his head down on the bed again and gaze through the dark until sleep finds him with tears lining on his cheeks.
--------00--------
Hyukjae can’t remember why he loves Kangin in the first place. But when he realized it, he has fallen too deep and too hard.
He no longer feels annoyed when Kangin picks on him but feels happy instead. Because Kangin doesn’t pick on Ryeowook. Or Donghae. Or Shindong. Or Sungmin. Or any other dongsaengs of his as a matter of fact. He just picks on Hyukjae.
It can be because Ryeowook is too insolent and Donghae is too spacey and Shindong is more than able to pick on him back and Sungmin knows martial arts too much and the other dongsaengs are too smart (Kyuhyun) or too cool (Kibum) or too suave (Shiwon) for Kangin to pick on. And it also can be because of thousands of other reasons. But Hyukjae still feels that to Kangin, he is a bit special.
He starts to take extra care towards his things given by Kangin. He starts to search for Kangin’s presence when they are in a room together. And at one point, he starts to imagine that it’s Kangin’s hands, and Kangin’s lips that ghost over his body when he jerks himself off in the shower.
But then one night, it starts getting more complicated than that.
All other members had gone to sleep, but Hyukjae was still sitting in front of the TV, playing soccer games alone. It was not because Kangin hasn’t been home from his drinking and gathering, Hyukjae told himself. It was just because he wasn’t sleepy yet.
Another yawn assaulted him and Hyukjae glances to the clock on the wall. 1.30 am is what it showed him.
Hyukjae was about to turn off the TV when he heard clatters outside the door. Someone was trying to unlock the door and it sounded like he failed miserably.
Hyukjae waited until the fifth clatters and the tenth curse words heard before he rose and walked towards the door. He unlocked it slowly and opened it to find Kangin stood in front of him. Reeks of alcohol assaulting Hyukjae’s nose but he quickly reached out to help Kangin who picked that time to stumble.
“Hyukjae?” Kangin slurred on Hyukjae’s ears. Hyukjae couldn’t help it when a shiver ran through his back at the hotness of Kangin’s breath on his sensitive skin.
“Welcome home, Hyung.”
Hyukjae sighed when he only received a grunt as an answer.
With a lot of difficulties, Hyukjae managed to hold Kangin up long enough to walk towards his room. It’s late and Eeteuk-hyung is a light sleeper and Hyukjae was sure they’d wake him if Hyukjae brought Kangin to the room his two hyungs share. So his bed was the safest choice and that was where he dragged Kangin.
Kangin was heavy and his stumbling didn’t help for even a bit. Hyukjae was out of breath by the time they reached his bed. That was why he could only gasp when Kangin suddenly dropped himself down on the bed and dragging Hyukjae along with him.
Well, this is not good, was what Hyukjae thought when he found himself sprawled on top of Kangin’s body with Kangin’s hand still slung over his shoulder. Hyukjae made a move to get up.
“Hyukjae.”
Hyukjae stopped his effort midways and looked at Kangin’s face. What he saw paralyzed him. Kangin’s eyes were glazed with something Hyukjae couldn’t name but sent his nerves on fire nevertheless. Then Kangin kissed him. On the lips. Hard. And wet. And Kangin’s arms on his shoulder moved to touch Hyukjae somewhere. Everywhere. Leaving trails of warmth Hyukjae could feel through his thin layer of pajamas. Hyukjae found himself kissing Kangin back, just as hard, because this was what he had always wanted. This was what he had always dreamt of. Now that this was happened, Hyukjae didn’t stop for questions or reasons. Not when he could feel Kangin hardened beneath his pants. And especially not when he could hear Kangin called out his name again when they paused to take a breath.
When Kangin finally fucked him, it was nothing like his dreams. Kangin was rough. And it was painful. And the only words Kangin said were Hyukjae’s name, over and over again. But Hyukjae liked it anyway. Because this is Kangin, and when they came together, Kangin kissed him like there was no tomorrow.
That was why when Hyukjae woke up next morning and found that Kangin had left some time at night, he only felt a bit bad. Just a little.
Hyukjae got up and fumbled around to find his pajamas scattered on the floor. He put them on and walked towards the bathroom to shower. They had pretty packed schedules that morning and Hyukjae didn’t want to stall everyone by being late.
He saw Kangin in the kitchen with some other members, having breakfast. Kangin saw him too. A grin formed on Kangin’s face and just like any other day, he teased Hyukjae for being a sleepyhead. Hyukjae smiled like it’s any other day too. Because last night was just one night when Kangin was drunk and horny and Hyukjae was there.
Kangin didn’t drag him to somewhere private to talk about last night and Hyukjae didn’t ask.
But when the next night, and two nights after that, and many nights after that (Hyukjae has lost count) he found Kangin stumbled drunkenly in to his room and embraced him again, Hyukjae can’t help but letting himself believe that there is something more.
Though he still woke up alone in the morning, Hyukjae didn’t complain because one night is one thing, but many nights must mean something. And that thought kept him satisfied.
-----------00-------------
It doesn’t last long though.
You see, just for example, you can tell Sungmin that he is prettier than any girl you’ve met and that he’s cute and all that, but you must never tell Sungmin that he should’ve been born as a girl. You can tease Shiwon about his grand gestures and his unhealthy obsession to skinship towards men, but you must never accuse him (even for jokes) that he is gay. You can say almost anything to Donghae but you must never tell him that aliens do not exist. You can cut Yesung’s part on every variety show he was on but you must never deny him his morning coffee. And if you want to stay alive, you must never ever refuse Heechul’s whims.
Everybody has a limit.
And Hyukjae has been too naive to think that he doesn’t have it, because after some times, things between him and Kangin are no longer enough to satisfy him.
Hyukjae starts to want more (he believes they can be more).
It’s getting harder and harder to wake up alone when he can still feel Kangin’s touch and Kangin’s kiss from the night before.
It’s getting harder and harder to smile and pretend that he isn’t jealous to death when he finds Kangin is all over Eeteuk-hyung and everyone jokes about them being together just because nobody knows that it’s Hyukjae that Kangin fucks every night (when he’s drunk).
And it’s getting harder and harder to keep himself from telling Kangin that Hyukjae loves him, and find out Kangin’s answer to that.
Hyukjae hates this, because it makes him act like a fucking girl. But a feeling is not something you can turn on or off at will. And even though most men are satisfied to just have their object of wet dreams fucks them almost every night, but Hyukjae is not one of them. He already bid his goodbye to white picket fences and pearly teeth smiles of his own kids waiting for him home ever since he realized that he is gay, but Hyukjae still dreams of loving someone and being loved back without any restraints.
So he begins to beg Kangin to stay after that night. And it hurts when he failed. Again and again and again and Kangin still left him alone in the end. But Hyukjae still believes and he still has hopes, because it is still him whom Kangin drunkenly looks for at night. Not Eeteuk-hyung. Not other members. Not some random girls. It’s Hyukjae.
-----------00--------------
Kangin knows why he kissed Hyukjae in the first place.
It’s because he had spent his high school time watching and laughing along his friends who bullied a poor boy because he was a gay and wondering how his friends would react if he told them that sometimes when his girlfriend wouldn’t put out with him he’d jerked off to some random cute and hot guy pictures he found in the magazine.
It’s because lately he has been having too many dreams of Hyukjae sprawled on top of him just like that with his beautiful collarbone peeked under his pajamas.
It’s because he can easily imagine Hyukjae’s skin being whiter and smoother than any girl he ever met and how his breathy moans can make Kangin hard in just two and a half seconds.
It’s because Hyukjae is so cute and nice and kind and pure that it makes Kangin’s torn between teasing him all the time or to growl protectively at anyone who dares to bother him.
And mainly, it’s because lately he often feels Hyukjae’s gaze towards him, leaving him hot and bothered and in a sudden need of alcohol.
And when that night (and other nights that follows) happened, Kangin finds himself remembering everything.
The fact that he remembers is a weird thing because he was drunk. He was always drunk.
Hell, he couldn’t even walk straight or talked without slurring but he remembers Hyukjae’s white smooth skin under his grasps. He remembers Hyukjae’s soft voice, calling him Hyung when he thrust into him over and over again. He remembers Hyukjae, hot and tight around him. And he remembers Hyukjae’s soft and tender lips under his when Kangin kissed him hungrily.
But then he remembers feeling so messed up every time he felt sober enough to realize that he was on Hyukjae’s bed, with Hyukjae naked and sleeping soundly beside him. He can remember feeling scared. Because he is already 24 years old this year for God sake, and his parent keeps asking him to bring a girl home and introduce her to them properly. Because despite all the dreams he have about Hyukjae, he also dreams of two stories house with a beautiful wife nagging him to stop drinking and two or three kids who can’t wait to see him home because then he’ll tell them stories about how he would conquer the stage once again and save the day.
So he can also remember feeling a bit angry to Hyukjae because Kangin has worked so hard to fuck (to love) girls and only girls. But Hyukjae is there with his smiles and his willing body and Kangin can not resist.
That’s why he always do the best he can in his drunken stupor to never say anything but Hyukjae’s name when he touches and kisses and fucks and leaves Hyukjae late at night afterwards to crawl back to his own bed, careful as to not wake Eeteuk up. And in the morning he’ll grin to Hyukjae and tease him like any other day and makes sure that Hyukjae knows that what happens the night before is only because Kangin was drunk and it doesn’t mean anything. Not even a bit.
Not even when he’ll be drunk again the next night, and two nights after that, and many nights after that (Kangin has lost count) and again he’ll find his way stumblingly to Hyukjae’s room because he knows Hyukjae will be just there, on his bed, with his smiles and his willing body.
People calls it a cycle. Kangin calls it a countdown-to-the-biggest-fuck-up-of-his-life. Because it’s easy at first to turn his back and leave Hyukjae alone, but lately he finds it getting harder to slip off Hyukjae’s warm body. Lately, staring at Hyukjae who is snuggled beneath him, Kangin can’t help but wonders how Hyukjae’s sleeping face will look like in the morning light (will it be as beautiful as this?). And when Hyukjae starts begging him to stay with eyes full of hopes and voice raw from the sex, Kangin is this close to comply and walks towards bed again and hug Hyukjae’s lithe form and tells him that he’ll stay and he’ll always stay so please stop looking so miserable, goddammit!
Kangin realizes he is at the edge now and he’s getting closer and closer to his own freefall but although he can’t stop the countdown, he can’t afford to just give up.
-----------00---------------
Hyukjae doesn’t know what makes tonight different than the others. Maybe it’s because earlier in the group interview the reporter was asking them about who it is among them that seems like he is going to marry first, and everyone but Hyukjae (he pointed at Eeteuk-hyung) pointed at Kangin who smiled widely and acknowledged it with ease. Or maybe it’s because he can feel Kangin’s gaze on him lingered longer and longer on those nights before he finally walked out of his room and closed the door behind him softly. Or maybe it’s simply because Hyukjae just can’t stand it anymore. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that tonight Hyukjae has gotten to this point where instead of letting Kangin stepped off the bed after they both can catch their breath like he used to do, Hyukjae rises up and holds Kangin’s hand with determination of not letting go. The second Hyukjae’s hands grab Kangin’s, Hyukjae can feel Kangin’s whole body go rigid. But Hyukjae can’t back away now even when he can feel his heartbeat thrumming in his ears.
Kangin stares at the long and dainty fingers that are grabbing his hand firmly before he meets Hyukjae’s eyes. Kangin looks so unsure and cornered and it makes Hyukjae wants to let go, but he doesn’t.
“Hyung, please stay.”
Kangin’s eyes are clouded with many things Hyukjae can’t identify until Kangin finally closes his eyes.
“Hyukjae…”
Hyukjae rises up more and pulls Kangin’s hand to get him closer.
“Hyung…. This…. Us…. “ Desperation is clear in his voice but he continues anyway. “Doesn’t this mean anything?”
Silence fills the room. And it’s long, too long for Hyukjae’s taste. Hyukjae takes a deep breath he doesn’t even realize he’s holding when finally Kangin’s eyes opened, revealing a cold and empty gaze.
“Hyukjae.” Kangin starts while he is moving his other hand to pry Hyukjae’s fingers off his.
“Hyung…” Hyukjae says when two of his fingers are pried off.
“Look, Hyukjae…” And three more fingers pried off.
“Kangin-hyung…” Hyukjae tries to close his fingers again but Kangin is too fucking strong.
“Hyukjae, it’s late.” Kangin’s voice is slurring a bit but it’s soft and slow like he’s talking to a kid. “You don’t want to wake up late tomorrow, right? Eeteuk will eat up your head if you do.”
Kangin pries off two more fingers.
“Hyung…” Hyukjae can hear sobs in his voice now, but he doesn’t care.
Kangin’s moves on Hyukjae’s hands look frantic now and his breath sounds heavier as minutes pass.
“Hyung, please…”
Suddenly all of Hyukjae’s fingers pried off and Hyukjae finds Kangin standing very close in front of him, strong hands on both of his shoulders and then Kangin is shaking him. Hard.
“Listen Hyukjae, for God sake please listen to me this time!” Kangin’s eyes are all wide and Hyukjae can see red (anger) and blue (sadness) and black (desperation) inside it.
“This…. All of these nights…, they mean nothing to me. You hear? It can’t mean a thing to me. So don’t let them mean something to you because that just won’t do any good for both of us.”
And with that words Kangin let go off Hyukjae’s shoulders, grabs his shirt on the floor and quickly walks towards door.
“Go to sleep, Hyukjae.” And then he closes the door.
Hyukjae doesn’t know how long he just stands there, staring blankly at the closed door, but when he finally moves, he fishes his blanket from the floor next to him with trembled hands and uses it to cover his whole body as he is lying down on the crumpled sheet. Kangin-hyung is right. Tomorrow they’ll have morning schedule and he doesn’t want to wake up late. He fixes the blanket surrounding him once again because why it suddenly feels so cold?
And suddenly Hyukjae finds himself giggling uncontrollably because really. Who is he kidding now? Of course it means nothing, even from the start. He should’ve known all of that instead of keep on dreaming stupidly by himself. It is all so simple, actually. Kangin was drunk and there was Hyukjae: stupid, needy, willing, and gay.
So what don’t you get, Lee Hyukjae?
Well, now he gets it. He is Kangin’s cheap whore. At least Hyukjae understand this much now. And Hyukjae laughs because it’s a bit absurd. If Hyukjae is a whore, shouldn’t Kangin pay?
Maybe I’ll start charging.
Hyukjae laughs even more because this was all really fucking hilarious and Hyukjae is only slightly realizing the numb in his hands from gripping the sheets too tightly and the tears brimming in his eyes.
--------------00----------------
The next day, and the next, and the next, and the day after will be just like any day. They will have schedules: dancing and singing practices, fan meetings, performances, interviews, and some awards events to attend.
At the end of each day, Hyukjae will always feel so tired that he won’t even care about Donghae’s repeated questions about why lately his face looks like alien had kidnapped him at night (because, Hyuk, if it’s true the alien had come to your room and you didn’t even bother to tell me then I won’t talk to you anymore), or many of Hankyung’s pats on his shoulder, or Shiwon’s constant worried glances, or Sungmin’s increasing frequency of hugs, or Shindong’s futile attempts to make him laugh at his jokes, or Heechul’s bitching about how lately he always manages to bring everyone’s mood down and for fuck sake Hyukjae please at least do something about your fake smile because you are starting to look like you’re trying to imitate my ssukso and fail badly.
But really, if everyone won’t believe that their packed up schedules everyday is the one that lately cause Hyukjae to smile so little and laugh even less or feels blank at some random moment (“Hyukjae-hyung”, Ryeowook’s voice was a bit unsure, “the reporter is asking you a question, you know?”), then everyone can just fuck off for all Hyukjae cares.
And if it is also causing him to act like a certain member isn’t there then it’s also nobody’s business but his.
It doesn’t matter anyway because Kangin will still come home drunk almost every night and Hyukjae will be woken up by the sound of his door opened and he’ll find Kangin standing just right there, looking at him with bleary eyes and unsure stance and breath reeks of alcohol and Hyukjae will rise up from the bed and start to open the buttons of his pajamas one by one. Kangin will wait patiently until Hyukjae strips himself all the way to his boxer though sometimes he’ll move forward to help Hyukjae to do it. Then Kangin will touch him and kiss him and fuck him and afterwards Hyukjae will pull the blankets all over the body, never again bothering to know whether Kangin will stay or leave because he’s done his share and now he’s sleepy and isn’t this what all whores do after they finish servicing their customers?
“Don’t turn off the lights when you go out, Hyung.” Hyukjae will always say before turning to his side to sleep because lately darkness scares him though he is too tired to figure out why.
So Kangin will leave the lights on before he slips out of the room and closes the door softly just like always. But what Hyukjae doesn’t know is that afterwards, instead of finding his way to his own room like he used to do, Kangin will lean his body on Hyukjae’s closed door and curse under his breath and wish he has something he can throw across the room.
------------00----------------
“Why are you doing this?”
Kangin freezes. He has just laid his body down on his own bed when he hears Eeteuk’s voice from the bed across his.
“Hyung…”
Eeteuk turns his body to the side so he can see Kangin who is lying on his bed with his head turned towards Eeteuk.
“Kangin, why are you doing this?” Eeteuk repeats his question.
Kangin looks at Eeteuk for a moment before he averts his gaze to the ceiling. “Sorry for waking you up, Hyung. I’ll be more careful next time.”
“I was awake. You didn’t wake me up. And you haven’t answered my question.” Eeteuk says.
When he finds a lack of response from Kangin, Eeteuk sighs. “Look, Kangin. I’m not blind and I am not dumb. I found it weird enough to hear you come home from your drinking almost every night yet only after an hour or two then I heard you crawl to your bed. It’s even weirder when I knew the reason for that is because you always went to Hyukjae’s room first. It didn’t take Kyuhyun’s brain to add two and two and figured out why you always go there.”
Kangin gives Eeteuk his infamous glare but it is Eeteuk so the glare doesn’t give as much effect as Kangin hope it does. “Hyung, it’s rude to sneak around other people’s business. And what happened between Hyukjae and me is none of your business.”
Eeteuk doesn’t even flinch at Kangin’s harsh words. He knows Kangin too well to know that this dongsaeng of his is currently in one of his defense mode. “None of my business, is it?”
Kangin can tell from Eeteuk’s tone that this is going to be a long night.
“Kangin-ah, you know that no matter how I always complain that I’m too tired and too old to be the leader, I always take my position seriously. And this thing happening between you and Hyukjae has disturbed the group balance in more than one way. I mean, seriously, our performance yesterday? Hyukjae missed his step. Hyukjae never misses his step.”
“Then what do you want me to do?”
Eeteuk shrugs. “You said it yourself. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Just do something to fix this mess you’ve caused.“
“But Hyung…. I can’t. It’s complicated.” Kangin can almost see his parent’s face and his two story dream house with a beautiful dream wife and kids fleeting in his mind as he is saying it and suddenly he’s back in high school again, sneering and laughing along his gang while watching some of them beating a gay boy black and blue. Kangin squeezes his eyes shut to rid the image because suddenly he feels so hypocrite and fake all over again and he’s scared.
Eeteuk just watches him until he feels he can open his eyes without wanting to throw up.
“Then stop doing this to him. You are many things, Kim Youngwoon, but I’ve never seen you being this selfish and heartless.” Eeteuk says softly.
Kangin has nothing to say to that because Eeteuk just won’t understand how hard he had tried to just walk straight to his own bed every time he came home drunk yet he always failed to do so because in his memories he still can feel Hyukjae’s soft smooth skin under his exploring fingers and he can still hear Hyukjae’s breathy moans calling him Hyung over and over again and he can still picture Hyukjae’s beautiful sleeping face as he snuggled inside Kangin’s arm tiredly. And trying to be sober doesn’t work either because even if he’s sober he still wants Hyukjae badly. But being drunk is the only reason he can afford to give for what he has been doing to Hyukjae so he’ll drink and he’ll drink and he’ll be drunk already when he walks into Hyukjae’s room in the late of night.
But Eeteuk understands anyway because Kangin hears him say, “You can’t, can you?”
Kangin doesn’t answer. It’s rhetorical. And for a long moment none of them says anything.
“Kangin-ah, are you happy right now?” Eeteuk’s voice breaks the silence.
Kangin wants to think about it before he answers, but the answer is so clear that it only took seconds before he says, “No, Hyung.” And it’s true. He never feels such unhappiness like this before and the image of Hyukjae’s resigned face, his lack of emotion when Kangin embraces him lately are entering his mind and Kangin can feel his heart clenched painfully.
“Then be happy.” Eeteuk says.
Kangin turns his head to the side to meet Eeteuk’s gaze.
“Everyone who loves you would want you to be happy. So stop hurting yourself and hurting Hyukjae because we’ll always be here for you no matter what. Well, at least I will.”
Eeteuk smiles his dimpled smile and yawn. “I’m going to sleep now. Think about what I said.” Then he turns his body to another side and says nothing more for the rest of the night.
When Kangin wakes up in the morning, there’s only one thing in his mind: to be happy.
-----------00-------------
It’s already late at night when just like always, Kangin finds himself in Hyukjae’s room. Except this time, he is sober. And he is anxious. Not only because the things he’ll do tonight will surely change his life, but also because he is not sure what Hyukjae’s reaction will be. Kangin knows he has wronged him so much and hurt him too deeply.
Hyukjae, like always, is there on his bed, lying with a gaze to the ceiling. It’s only when Kangin sits next to him on the side of the bed then he makes moves to acknowledge the older man: looks at Kangin for just a moment with blank eyes before rises up to sit and starts to unbutton his pajamas. Kangin feels the pain in his heart increasing sharply when he watches Hyukjae strips the pajama shirts with methodical movement. If Kangin doesn’t know better (Kangin can always see Hyukjae’s hands on the button trembles a bit), he’d think Hyukjae’s movements are like a robot. Kangin wonders how badly has he damaged Hyukjae because someone’s not supposed to look that resigned and distant in this kind of situation.
“Hyukjae.” Kangin places a hand on Hyukjae’s to stop him from doing what he is doing.
Hyukjae stops but keeps his gaze down to his lap.
“Hyukjae, I am not drunk tonight.” Kangin says hoarsely, doesn’t know how else he can start explaining why he’s here tonight.
Hyukjae doesn’t say anything for a moment but then his hands under Kangin’s move again, except this time it is to button up his pajamas. “I see. I’m sorry then, Hyung. Just don’t forget to leave the lights on like usual before you leave.”
“Hyukjae, I’m sorry.” Kangin finally blurts out.
Hyukjae freezes. Then for the first time that night, he meets Kangin’s eyes. “For what?”
Kangin finds himself being overwhelmed when he can see emotion that wasn’t there before is starting to swirl in Hyukjae’s brown eyes and suddenly all the words he had prepared before is lost and he feels so much regret that it is choking him.
“For this…. For everything.”
Hyukjae’s expression hardened and suddenly he brings his hand to Kangin’s pants, fumbling with the zipper. “Here, Hyung. Let me.”
Kangin is so shocked with Hyukjae’s act that for a moment he can’t even move. But then he realized what Hyukjae is about to do.
“Hyukjae, stop it!” Kangin tries to free himself from Hyukjae’s wondering hands.
But Hyukjae doesn’t stop and struggles to open Kangin’s pants, all the while squeezing and rubbing in all the right places that Kangin can feel himself start to harden.
“Hyukjae, stop it! It’s not what I came here for tonight.” Kangin is flushed now. He tries to pull Hyukjae’s arms to keep him away but Hyukjae is unbelievably strong and suddenly Hyukjae pushes Kangin hard and Kangin finds himself on his back on the bed with Hyukjae on his stomach.
“Hyukjae…” Kangin’s voice is frantic now because he can feel Hyukjae start grinding his ass to Kangin’s crotch while he bends over and whispers hotly to Kangin’s ear. “Hyung, I can feel you so hard down there. You always like it when I do this, don’t you?”
And Kangin can feel tears start to form in his eyes because he knows why Hyukjae is doing this and he feels so horrible because Kangin knows he can only blame himself for what happened.
“God, Hyukjae. I’m so sorry…. Please don’t do this.” Kangin says with a single tear falling on his cheek, holding Hyukjae’s hips to keep him from moving because this is Hyukjae with his soft smooth skin and his breathy whispers and his slender body and Kangin can’t help it if now his heartbeat is racing and his cock is fully hard.
When Kangin meets Hyukjae’s eyes, he can see anger and sadness and confusion collides there that makes Kangin so badly want to kiss him just to make it all go away.
“Hyukjae…. I’m really sorry.”
Once again Hyukjae bends down and hisses in Kangin’s ear, “Fuck, Hyung. Stop talking.” And Kangin stops.
“Fuck me.” Hyukjae says.
So Kangin does. Because he doesn’t know what else to do and because he can hear a pleading among the anger and the sadness and the confusion in Hyukjae’s voice.
Hyukjae is demanding and wild and Kangin is complying and rough that Kangin finds himself remembering the first night they shared together. But tonight it’s different, because tonight he is not drunk and he is not fucking Hyukjae. Tonight he is sober and he is making love to him. Kangin makes sure Hyukjae knows it in the way Kangin thrusts and caresses and kisses him and before long Kangin can feel it in Hyukjae’s moans and bites and cries that Hyukjae is starting to understand (and starting to forgive, Kangin hopes). And when both of them reach their completion, Kangin whispers in Hyukjae’s ear,
“I love you.”
--------00---------
It’s already morning when Kangin wakes up and he smiles at the realization that he is on Hyukjae’s bed and that he is hugging Hyukjae tightly while the younger man snuggles peacefully on his chest. Kangin doesn’t know what time it is, but he doesn’t care too much because he had been right all this time. Hyukjae’s sleeping face in the morning light indeed looks so breathtaking and Kangin feels his heart becomes so full with feelings he never thought he can have before.
Some voices are starting to be heard outside the door and Kangin figures that some of the members must have woken up. The voices seem to wake Hyukjae because he stirs a bit and Kangin unconsciously holds his breath as he watches Hyukjae’s eyes flutter open slowly. Their eyes met and Kangin can see as confusion followed by realization dawns on Hyukjae’s face. Hyukjae lifts one of his hands to touch Kangin’s cheek and Kangin finds himself releasing a content sigh when he feels Hyukjae’s warmth seeping into him.
“Hyung…, you stayed.” Hyukjae’s voice is a mixture between disbelief and fear and hope. So Kangin kisses him to make him (and himself) believe that it’s true and it’s real.
“From now on, I’ll always stay.” Kangin whispers between the kisses and Kangin knows his life will never be the same again but if it means he’ll wake up like this every morning then it’s okay.
----------00-------------
(As the world spinning, I have only you
I have nothing to say, since I can't even say anything
There are no more tears, nor feelings
Look at me standing in front of you
I'm the one living for you
The promised time has come
I am in front of you although I'm crying in fear
You wiped away my tears, you held my hand
I'm going to stand back up…)
[Happiness for you who has always been there for me
I close my eyes and beckoned you
I found you in my heart
I can see the light that shines on me
I can't let go of the eternal happiness
Can you see me, please call out for me anytime
I'll be by your side, I love you
Let's stay together, you and me forever]
(Happiness - Super Junior, full translation credit to SJ Fullhouse Net)
END
PS: Oh, God. The ending. *palms face* I need to stop reading too much Harlequin.