HIMYM FF: Off the map [Ted/Barney; PG-13]
Title: Off the map
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: PG-13 for implications of sex
Length: 1100 words
Disclaimer: All belongs to Craig Thomas and Carter Bays
Spoilers/Warnings: Set post-S3, but with no real spoilers from after that, because I haven't seen it, so no show canon. They're just both single, and some angsty fluff ensues.
Summary: Ted and Barney go shopping for suits, for no particular reason.
AN: For futuresoon for a (belated?) birthday ficlet to the prompt of: Barney trying to get Ted a custom-tailored suit
It’s easy to make Barney happy, is the weird thing. And it’s weird to think that it’s weird. Friends - unlike relationships - aren’t supposed to take a lot of work. But Ted has mentally stuck Barney into a box labelled ‘high maintenance’ and is surprised each time he realises it’s not always true.
Okay, sure, this will be an expensive outing. Maybe more expensive than Ted had anticipated. But he needed to buy one anyway. All he had done was ask Barney to come with him. Barney tilts his head. “I get to choose the store. If I leave you alone we’ll end up in Kmart looking for the designer line.”
“Barney…”
“Ted. Do you trust me?”
“Barney.”
“Do I question you about your moonshot dreams of building structures that reach the clouds? No! Because?”
Ted sighs. “Because you trust me.”
“Exactly. Now suit up.”
“Why do I need to suit up to buy a suit?”
Barney shakes his head sadly. “Ted, Ted, Ted...”
“Trust you?”
Barney grins, revealing a line of white teeth. He drapes his arm over Ted’s shoulders, so that Ted can smell expensive soap and cologne. Barney says, “-and nothing will go wrong. It’s gonna be-”
* * *
Ted’s still not sure about a tailor working out of a pet-shop (or is it a pet vendor working out of a tailor’s?). But the fabric ‘drapes’ or ‘hangs’ or something, and Barney’s got some caught between his fingers, murmuring sweet nothings at it. Ted is standing on a stool while Barney’s guy adjusts the pants. So Barney’s more than usually shorter, looking up at Ted and holding onto the edge of his jacket, saying, “Do you see this?”
“Yeah, man, I see it. It’s nice.”
“Nice? Ted, this is perfection. This is the fabric Jason should have made his golden fleece from, the material the Shroud of Turin would be lucky to be made from, this is-”
“It’s nice, Barney,” Ted says. “Very nice.” He catches the tailor’s eye. “Awesome, even.”
Barney says, “Yeah, it’s awesome,” and he’s not looking at the suit any more.
Ted asks, “Barney?” because it works, sometimes. Barney still thinks he owes Ted; he’s still not always sure that they’re back to normal.
“Yeah, nothing. Just, this,” Barney swings his hand about the room, “is pretty cool too. I wasn’t sure we’d,” he looks at the floor, “you know…”
Ted rests his hands on Barney’s shoulders. “We were always going to be bros again.”
“Not that,” Barney says. “Well, yes that, but I just meant- This.”
“This - letting another man touch me in inappropriate ways in the name of fashion and wingman-ship?”
Barney sighs, and walks away to search through the ties. He aims his speech at their massed silk orderliness. “I just figured the next time we did this would be, you know? The M-word. W-word. What did we decide on again? Anyway, three suits equal in their awesomeness, ready to wear to church or to pick up bridesmaids respectively. Because-”
“Barney.”
“There’s this… clock, we have. Or a list, maybe. Only instead of being things to do before you’re thirty, it’s things to do before you’re married. And this wasn’t on it. So, yeah. Bonus.”
Barney walks back, holding three ties. He holds each one up against Ted’s shirt, checking the colours. This one is sort of a blue-green, and Ted doesn’t really need another tie, but he lets Barney climb up on the stool anyway. Sergei has gone to… wherever. There’s not enough room to do this, not facing each other, and Barney comes really close to strangling Ted when he slips.
Ted grabs his upper arms and says, “Hey.”
“Hey,” Barney says, distracted. He straightens the tie, pulling its knot back into submission. Then he slides his hands under the collar of the shirt, smoothing the material flat. There’s nothing really special about Barney’s hands - Ted isn’t standing there thinking about them being small, or how long the fingers are. Just that they’re warm, and careful, and lying flat just over Ted’s collarbone.
“Barney,” Ted says, and kisses him.
* * *
He doesn’t wear the new suit out of the store, which is good, because Barney would probably get distracted from what he’s doing. He’d probably have to stop and hang it up, or something, instead of peeling Ted’s everyday suit jacket from his shoulders, in one smooth drag to the floor.
He probably wouldn’t kick his way out of his own dress pants either, sending them halfway under Ted’s bed. He probably wouldn’t- Ted stops thinking so hard about this.
Barney is saying Ted, over and over again - once for every time Ted has said ‘Barney’ in bewilderment this afternoon.
Ted settles his hands below Barney’s ribcage, turning them onto the bed. “We’ve still got time, you know?” he says. Barney blinks at him, and Ted hurries to fill in, “before, you know, the others are coming over. Time. Plenty. Lots, even.”
“Okay,” Barney says, and flips them. Ted curses him and his freakish unearned athleticism. Barney laughs, all of a sudden, and finishes on a close-mouthed crooked smile.
Ted says, “What?”
“Later.”
“What?” Ted repeats, because he can, and because it’s nice to turn the tables once in a while. “What, Barney? Later what?”
Barney just smirks, and slides down the bed. Ted still has most of his shirt on, and Barney unpeels it as he goes. Barney still has all of his shirt - just the two top buttons undone. Ted raises his hands and undoes the rest, slowly. He leans up, hearing the noises his back makes when he tries to make it bend like that, to put his (bigger) hands on either side of Barney’s face. He kisses Barney again, because it seems to surprise him. Barney smiles into the kiss, and reaches between them; the angles are perfect. Ted always forgets that Barney’s smart. Practically a genius, sometimes. “Barney,” he says, and Barney pulls back to focus curious blue eyes on Ted. Ted shakes his head. “Nothing. Just, don’t… We have some time.”
* * *
After, Ted grins and says, “Later what?”
“Nothing. I just always suspected I was at the top.”
“Of what?”
“Your list of things to do before you were married.” Barney smirks, and if he was a girlfriend, if he was high maintenance, that would be a leading question. Instead, Barney just lies back on Ted’s pillows and says, “Sergei says we can pick up the suits tomorrow. What do you say to modelling them in Staten Island after?”
“What’s in Staten Island?”
Barney stretches, and when he pulls back, his shoulder brushes Ted’s. He answers, “Two guys in awesome suits. What up?”
Ted lazily answers Barney’s high five, tangling their fingers for a moment as they drop their arms back to the bed.
“Yeah,” Ted says, “Why not? We’ve never modelled new suits on a ferry before. I bet no one has. I bet that even guys with lists wouldn’t think to put that on it. I bet it’s a whole new thing.”
“Ted,” Barney mutters, sounding sleepy even in the late afternoon, “you know I don’t gamble.”
FIN
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Ted/Barney
Rating: PG-13 for implications of sex
Length: 1100 words
Disclaimer: All belongs to Craig Thomas and Carter Bays
Spoilers/Warnings: Set post-S3, but with no real spoilers from after that, because I haven't seen it, so no show canon. They're just both single, and some angsty fluff ensues.
Summary: Ted and Barney go shopping for suits, for no particular reason.
AN: For futuresoon for a (belated?) birthday ficlet to the prompt of: Barney trying to get Ted a custom-tailored suit
It’s easy to make Barney happy, is the weird thing. And it’s weird to think that it’s weird. Friends - unlike relationships - aren’t supposed to take a lot of work. But Ted has mentally stuck Barney into a box labelled ‘high maintenance’ and is surprised each time he realises it’s not always true.
Okay, sure, this will be an expensive outing. Maybe more expensive than Ted had anticipated. But he needed to buy one anyway. All he had done was ask Barney to come with him. Barney tilts his head. “I get to choose the store. If I leave you alone we’ll end up in Kmart looking for the designer line.”
“Barney…”
“Ted. Do you trust me?”
“Barney.”
“Do I question you about your moonshot dreams of building structures that reach the clouds? No! Because?”
Ted sighs. “Because you trust me.”
“Exactly. Now suit up.”
“Why do I need to suit up to buy a suit?”
Barney shakes his head sadly. “Ted, Ted, Ted...”
“Trust you?”
Barney grins, revealing a line of white teeth. He drapes his arm over Ted’s shoulders, so that Ted can smell expensive soap and cologne. Barney says, “-and nothing will go wrong. It’s gonna be-”
* * *
Ted’s still not sure about a tailor working out of a pet-shop (or is it a pet vendor working out of a tailor’s?). But the fabric ‘drapes’ or ‘hangs’ or something, and Barney’s got some caught between his fingers, murmuring sweet nothings at it. Ted is standing on a stool while Barney’s guy adjusts the pants. So Barney’s more than usually shorter, looking up at Ted and holding onto the edge of his jacket, saying, “Do you see this?”
“Yeah, man, I see it. It’s nice.”
“Nice? Ted, this is perfection. This is the fabric Jason should have made his golden fleece from, the material the Shroud of Turin would be lucky to be made from, this is-”
“It’s nice, Barney,” Ted says. “Very nice.” He catches the tailor’s eye. “Awesome, even.”
Barney says, “Yeah, it’s awesome,” and he’s not looking at the suit any more.
Ted asks, “Barney?” because it works, sometimes. Barney still thinks he owes Ted; he’s still not always sure that they’re back to normal.
“Yeah, nothing. Just, this,” Barney swings his hand about the room, “is pretty cool too. I wasn’t sure we’d,” he looks at the floor, “you know…”
Ted rests his hands on Barney’s shoulders. “We were always going to be bros again.”
“Not that,” Barney says. “Well, yes that, but I just meant- This.”
“This - letting another man touch me in inappropriate ways in the name of fashion and wingman-ship?”
Barney sighs, and walks away to search through the ties. He aims his speech at their massed silk orderliness. “I just figured the next time we did this would be, you know? The M-word. W-word. What did we decide on again? Anyway, three suits equal in their awesomeness, ready to wear to church or to pick up bridesmaids respectively. Because-”
“Barney.”
“There’s this… clock, we have. Or a list, maybe. Only instead of being things to do before you’re thirty, it’s things to do before you’re married. And this wasn’t on it. So, yeah. Bonus.”
Barney walks back, holding three ties. He holds each one up against Ted’s shirt, checking the colours. This one is sort of a blue-green, and Ted doesn’t really need another tie, but he lets Barney climb up on the stool anyway. Sergei has gone to… wherever. There’s not enough room to do this, not facing each other, and Barney comes really close to strangling Ted when he slips.
Ted grabs his upper arms and says, “Hey.”
“Hey,” Barney says, distracted. He straightens the tie, pulling its knot back into submission. Then he slides his hands under the collar of the shirt, smoothing the material flat. There’s nothing really special about Barney’s hands - Ted isn’t standing there thinking about them being small, or how long the fingers are. Just that they’re warm, and careful, and lying flat just over Ted’s collarbone.
“Barney,” Ted says, and kisses him.
* * *
He doesn’t wear the new suit out of the store, which is good, because Barney would probably get distracted from what he’s doing. He’d probably have to stop and hang it up, or something, instead of peeling Ted’s everyday suit jacket from his shoulders, in one smooth drag to the floor.
He probably wouldn’t kick his way out of his own dress pants either, sending them halfway under Ted’s bed. He probably wouldn’t- Ted stops thinking so hard about this.
Barney is saying Ted, over and over again - once for every time Ted has said ‘Barney’ in bewilderment this afternoon.
Ted settles his hands below Barney’s ribcage, turning them onto the bed. “We’ve still got time, you know?” he says. Barney blinks at him, and Ted hurries to fill in, “before, you know, the others are coming over. Time. Plenty. Lots, even.”
“Okay,” Barney says, and flips them. Ted curses him and his freakish unearned athleticism. Barney laughs, all of a sudden, and finishes on a close-mouthed crooked smile.
Ted says, “What?”
“Later.”
“What?” Ted repeats, because he can, and because it’s nice to turn the tables once in a while. “What, Barney? Later what?”
Barney just smirks, and slides down the bed. Ted still has most of his shirt on, and Barney unpeels it as he goes. Barney still has all of his shirt - just the two top buttons undone. Ted raises his hands and undoes the rest, slowly. He leans up, hearing the noises his back makes when he tries to make it bend like that, to put his (bigger) hands on either side of Barney’s face. He kisses Barney again, because it seems to surprise him. Barney smiles into the kiss, and reaches between them; the angles are perfect. Ted always forgets that Barney’s smart. Practically a genius, sometimes. “Barney,” he says, and Barney pulls back to focus curious blue eyes on Ted. Ted shakes his head. “Nothing. Just, don’t… We have some time.”
* * *
After, Ted grins and says, “Later what?”
“Nothing. I just always suspected I was at the top.”
“Of what?”
“Your list of things to do before you were married.” Barney smirks, and if he was a girlfriend, if he was high maintenance, that would be a leading question. Instead, Barney just lies back on Ted’s pillows and says, “Sergei says we can pick up the suits tomorrow. What do you say to modelling them in Staten Island after?”
“What’s in Staten Island?”
Barney stretches, and when he pulls back, his shoulder brushes Ted’s. He answers, “Two guys in awesome suits. What up?”
Ted lazily answers Barney’s high five, tangling their fingers for a moment as they drop their arms back to the bed.
“Yeah,” Ted says, “Why not? We’ve never modelled new suits on a ferry before. I bet no one has. I bet that even guys with lists wouldn’t think to put that on it. I bet it’s a whole new thing.”
“Ted,” Barney mutters, sounding sleepy even in the late afternoon, “you know I don’t gamble.”
FIN