(no subject)
Title: Forgive Me
Fandom: Queer as Folk
Characters: Justin Taylor
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,596
Warnings: Drabble, AU, Spoilers Season 1, Song Fic [of sorts].
Summary: Sunshine, what a fucking joke that nickname turned out to be.
AN: I really have no idea where this appeared from. I would like to thank beta [sandra! <3] as well as give dedication to my psych class. If I remember nothing Mr. Siever's, I'll have this! Please be kind, this is only my second post and I'm still [more then] slightly nervous.
PTSD- Post-traumatic stress disorder
Four words. Only four words that were used to describe the hell he had been living in for the past months. Seems that no one can be perfect after taking a bat to the brain, not even Sunshine.
Sunshine, what a fucking joke that nickname turned out to be. The boy with the smile that could power a city full of Reagan sagebrush rebels, the boy would couldn't even stand to close his eyes for more than a few minutes without starting to scream. The sound of a dull thud never sounds more threatening, gunfire did nothing while a mere thump could set him on edge for hours. There is nothing worst than that sound, echoing and taunting his ear drums till he wished that his head would just explode.
To be completely honest, there are plenty of times that he wished he hadn't survived the bashing, that the coma had just continued on before they took him off the machines and he would have slipped away peacefully. Hell or Heaven, it didn't matter. Sexual preference be damned while he was laying there lost in the maze of his own mind and memories. But unfortunately that’s what it all came down to, some 'in the closet’ asshole actually believing that is was his right and god's will to kill another based merely on where he wished to stick his dick. Not that he was going to have the chance to stick it anywhere anytime soon. Goddamn it, when put like that it does seem that Hobbs won. No more fucking and sucking for Justin.
When one experiences a traumatic event-.. Not only was his hand fucked up permanently, but it seems that everything upstairs in the mental department wasn't all well and lets not even get started on the emotional stunting this was doing to him. At a time that most teenagers couldn't wait to rub up against anything, as Brian stated for the record 'at his age, you could rub up against a tree and still get a hard on', dear traumatized Sunshine can't even stand to brush up against another thing with a pulse without going into total meltdown. The only thing worst than not being able to sleep was not being able to touch Brian. Brian! Of all people you think that his body would remember his lover's touch more than anything else, more than the quick impact of a wooden object that merely was in contact with you for just a few seconds over hours of fucking, sucking and love making. The quick flash of hurt and rejection that he saw in those hazel eyes was enough to damn himself over and over again.
It seemed as though his own body was punishing him for something that he had no control over. Though he has never regretted being gay, there are plenty of times he wished that he hadn't fallen in love with Brian Kinney. Many times he would pinch his arm to wake up from this nightmare that his life had become, and all the purple bruises on his right arm only goes to show they were only delusions of grandeur. What a fucking pain in the ass.
The answer is as it always was, take some pills and see a therapist.
Well, that just wasn't going to work for him, seeing that, thanks to the pills he was discovering he had more allergies then someone could shake a stick at. The therapy opinion just didn't work in the way that it should, so he flat out refused to even set foot inside the building much less open his mouth to utter something other than the ever popular 'fuck you' or what about the classic 'I like cock.' That is one for the history books for queers of all ages. Come to think of it, he never was sure if he told Brian about that fiasco.
Brian. Every road in the wonderful world of Justin always seemed to lead back to the kingdom of Kinney. The stress with Brian was enough to cause a breakdown, the ever changing moods and him building their 'relationship' only to rip it out from under Sunshine's feet and leave him lower than he was to begin with. But for all the things that he was used to, what he wasn't, was the fear, the never ending nor fading fear that he was going to cause Justin to break.
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Reality check! He was already broken, it had only now started to show and soon everyone would see what a fuck up he was. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, all the mistakes and faults just seemed to show through the cracks, like sunlight through the panels of the door. Just waiting and buying this time, like a predator stalking and how it burns.
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
All he wanted to do was live, love and drink legally so that that son-of-a-bitch bartender at Babylon would finally serve him a goddamn beer. Was that too much to ask? Just because he was queer he wasn't allowed the basic rights of any other human being. Everything was turned into his fault and after hearing it for awhile. Justin, you're the reason were getting a divorce if only you were normal. Justin, if only you would grow up you aren't a child anymore. Justin, if only. Justin, why can't you.. All the faults were piling up, shutting him down, suffocating and drowning.
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
So he started to lie and out on a smile, throw in an appropriate comment at the right time as he learned to play the game and wear a mask. Acting out the part that was expected of him, shifting effortlessly from one role to another with not a thought that it was killing him. Brian's fuck buddy, Michael’s illustrator, Emmett's shopping partner, Gus's babysitter, Lindsay's art critic, Molly's older brother, Debbie's bus boy. There was no 'Justin'. And no-one could see him slipping away.
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
And when he finally discovered what he had lost, there was nothing there that wasn't already tainted with memories of the past. While Brian was the boy that never grew up, Sunshine was the boy that grew up too fast. Hatred killed childhood and ignorance mutilated his past memories, but silence and pretending was shattering his future as he became a reflection of what he once was. A reflection in the spider webs of shattered glass. The instability of it, living in a house of cards. Don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house.
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
So slowly, he started to piece that shattered remains of himself back together, pieces of glass with edges that cut his fingers and refused to go back together. Pieces missing, misplaced and misconstrued to not even resemble what they were once. Back when the sky was blue, the grass was green and all parents were suppose to love their children unconditionally. They are the memories he wished he could forget, wipe clean and scrap away from his conscious thought. How cruel the fates were to the boy born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Blood and thuds would stain the emptiness left behind as whole days were ripped, brutally torn away for him, inflicting wounds that cannot be healed. The best day of his life and he was the only one who couldn’t remember it.
Hold me, wrap me up
Warm me up
And breathe me
Among people who refused to allow him to heal or to talk about what happened, dragging him into a cyclus, a downward spiral with no up nor down, no beginning nor end, only spinning. All the lies and the pretending that it didn’t happen had filled him with poison and tightened the noose around his neck, twisting the braided rope while the darkness of a blindfold bound tightly across his eyes.
He tried to rebuild, reconstruct and complete Justin, but the more he did, the more it hurt when demolished to ashes and rumble, littering the ground beneath his feet. The shield from the pain, a wall was pieced together, topped by a mask, the shattered reflections never focused inward for fear of what would by reflected. The ever growing black void, a black hole swallowing and ingesting his insides. Justin hated what he had become, longing to escape and find a place to regroup. Away. And so he did.
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing.
I breathe deep and cry out,
Isn't someone missing me?
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
I love you Brian, but I can’t keep dying by drowning in lies.
~Sunshine
And like the sunset, colored blood red before the black of night. Justin was gone.