What I “Should” Care About, But Don’t
I like this. Instead of one LJ Idol topic that I have to write about, they give me like 6 of them. Makes it so much easier, and in a way harder, because now I have to pick and choose between them (in this case, I was kinda torn between two of them). But in the end this one won out, because it's slightly easier, I'm busy as usual, and I have until 5pm to type it before work! It stood out to me as the better topic, anyway.
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When my grandfather became sick, I found my reaction to his cancer as being a bit surprised, somewhat concerned, but that was it. My first thought was "Well, he has cancer, but we can beat this thing with chemo and he'll be just fine after a while!" But then I found out that pancreatic cancer is basically incurable and that it's pretty much a guaranteed death sentence. Which makes me wonder what would happen if a child or a young adult like my age were to get it, you just say "screw it, I'm just going to give up and die"??? I really think cancer should be the one thing we should devote all our money to finding a cure for. In any case my grandfather shrugged off any treatment and decided to die with dignity (he was stubborn).
But even then I expected him to live at least a year, not the month or two the doctors said he would. I refused to believe them. He would last a year, two, three years. He would prove them wrong. He seemed to still have a lot of strength left in him. But then he wasted away and died about 2 months after we found out.
I didn't have a very close connection with my grandfather. We saw each other once in a while, for the holidays, to go out and eat, to go to a museum, to go to an event, to watch baseball, or to go on vacation. I did enjoy doing such things with him, although he sometimes had the tendency to stay in one area when I wanted to move on to the next. He also had the tendency to talk to someone about his previous experiences, like when we went to the auto show, he would talk the ear off of one of the Ford people for 30 minutes about how his parents had a Model T or Model A. It's as if he wanted to tell his life story to whoever would listen because he knew the end was soon. Maybe he should have written it all down.
It is strange, though, how little I reacted to his cancer and death. I felt I should have been sadder, but I wasn't. I guess I saw his death as just a part of life, that we all die, sometimes sooner than later. His time had come. I watched him have trouble walking, and I figured he'd get over it, and I wasn't sad. I watched him have trouble eating, and I was a bit concerned, and felt bad for him, but I wasn't depressed. When I saw him a few days before he died, he was a skeleton, and I was shocked, but not grieved. During his funerals and burial, I didn't even cry.
I feel like maybe I'm not reacting like I'm supposed to, that maybe I'm bottling it up or putting up a front. I wonder if maybe I'm not reacting in the healthy way. But for the most part I don't feel very depressed about his passing. Sure, there are times where I think "If Erven was here...." and feel a bit bad he's not around to enjoy life. But it's like I don't even care about his death, or his not being around.
And then I start to wonder if I care about anything anymore.
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therealljidol, Week #4
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When my grandfather became sick, I found my reaction to his cancer as being a bit surprised, somewhat concerned, but that was it. My first thought was "Well, he has cancer, but we can beat this thing with chemo and he'll be just fine after a while!" But then I found out that pancreatic cancer is basically incurable and that it's pretty much a guaranteed death sentence. Which makes me wonder what would happen if a child or a young adult like my age were to get it, you just say "screw it, I'm just going to give up and die"??? I really think cancer should be the one thing we should devote all our money to finding a cure for. In any case my grandfather shrugged off any treatment and decided to die with dignity (he was stubborn).
But even then I expected him to live at least a year, not the month or two the doctors said he would. I refused to believe them. He would last a year, two, three years. He would prove them wrong. He seemed to still have a lot of strength left in him. But then he wasted away and died about 2 months after we found out.
I didn't have a very close connection with my grandfather. We saw each other once in a while, for the holidays, to go out and eat, to go to a museum, to go to an event, to watch baseball, or to go on vacation. I did enjoy doing such things with him, although he sometimes had the tendency to stay in one area when I wanted to move on to the next. He also had the tendency to talk to someone about his previous experiences, like when we went to the auto show, he would talk the ear off of one of the Ford people for 30 minutes about how his parents had a Model T or Model A. It's as if he wanted to tell his life story to whoever would listen because he knew the end was soon. Maybe he should have written it all down.
It is strange, though, how little I reacted to his cancer and death. I felt I should have been sadder, but I wasn't. I guess I saw his death as just a part of life, that we all die, sometimes sooner than later. His time had come. I watched him have trouble walking, and I figured he'd get over it, and I wasn't sad. I watched him have trouble eating, and I was a bit concerned, and felt bad for him, but I wasn't depressed. When I saw him a few days before he died, he was a skeleton, and I was shocked, but not grieved. During his funerals and burial, I didn't even cry.
I feel like maybe I'm not reacting like I'm supposed to, that maybe I'm bottling it up or putting up a front. I wonder if maybe I'm not reacting in the healthy way. But for the most part I don't feel very depressed about his passing. Sure, there are times where I think "If Erven was here...." and feel a bit bad he's not around to enjoy life. But it's like I don't even care about his death, or his not being around.
And then I start to wonder if I care about anything anymore.
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therealljidol, Week #4