Luke/Reid Fic: "Fallen"
Okay, so I'm not happy with Luke after today's ep, and I needed to get a handle on why he's being such a dumbass and figure out where he's coming from. This is what came out. No spoilers, PG-13.
At first Reid thinks he’s dreaming and he flips over to his other side, agitated by the unwelcome noise. Then reality comes into focus and he realizes the knock is coming from the front door. Suddenly awake and alert, he glances at the time as he bounds out of bed.
He gets to the door and yanks it open to find Luke there, fist raised. Luke’s arm hovers for a moment before dropping to his side.
“What the hell are you doing?” Reid hisses. “You’re going to wake Jacob and Katie. It’s the middle of the damn night.”
“I’m sorry. I tried to call you, but-”
“But my phone is off because anyone who needs me in the middle of the night - and that would be the hospital, by the way - has my pager number.”
“I just...I...” Luke lists to one side and has to catch hold of the doorframe.
Reid realizes with a sinking sensation why it is Luke’s words sound slightly slurred. “You’ve been drinking.”
“I needed to...” Luke seems incapable of finishing a thought. He rubs his face.
“Be a complete idiot? Throw a pity party? Kill yourself? Am I getting warm?” Reid’s anger flushes his skin and clenches his jaw. Luke stares at him for a long moment, and then to Reid’s utter horror, Luke bursts into tears. Not sniffly, eyes-glistening-as-he-tries-to-contain-his-emotions tears, but weeping that wracks his body.
Luke doubles over as a sob erupts, and Reid is only so strong. He steps forward and takes Luke into his arms. He half carries him to the couch and lets him cry against his chest, Luke practically curled upon his lap. Reid holds him and comforts him, rubbing Luke’s back and making nonsensical shushing noises. All the while, a stern voice in his head orders him to stop caring so goddamned much.
“I’m sorry.” Luke hiccups and sniffs loudly.
“I picked up on that.”
“I’m so confused.”
Reid shifts Luke over and puts space between them on the couch. “I got that, too. But I can’t do this, Luke.”
Luke doesn’t reply for so long that Reid has to look to make sure he hasn’t passed out. Finally he speaks. “With Noah, no matter how many times he pushes me away...he always wants me back eventually.”
“And that’s good enough for you?” Reid is incredulous.
“No. It’s not. But if I end it with Noah, then what happens when you realize?”
“Realize what?”
“Everything. That you’re out of my league. That I’m really not that interesting. That I’m a college drop-out and you’re a neurosurgeon. Actually they kicked me out, so I’m not even a drop-out. I’m a kick-out. You want me now - you want to have sex with me - but I’ll do something and then you’ll leave and I’ll be alone.”
Reid isn’t sure whether to shake some sense into him or go drag Luke’s so-called parents out of bed and find out how they raised a son with such little self-esteem. “So you’re clinging desperately to Noah so you won’t end up on your own?”
Luke swipes the back of his hand against his eyes. “Yeah. I guess I am.”
“God, that’s pathetic.”
“I know!” Luke grapples for words. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Reid takes Luke’s chin and forces Luke to look him in the eye. “So stop apologizing and do something about it. I won’t be your consolation prize, and I’m not your shrink. I won’t be your shoulder to cry on again. Once is all you get. You know why? Because I deserve more than that. Because I’m better than that. And so are you.”
Reid lets go and crosses his arms over his chest. Luke’s eyes shine and he wipes at them clumsily. “Before Noah, I was so alone. I never thought I’d find someone who really wanted me. Who really wanted to be with me. When Noah finally did, I couldn’t believe it. But it was like, I was always messing up. There was always something. Something I did wrong, or said wrong. Something that made Noah want to leave. I always disappoint him in the end.”
“Then he’s not good enough for you, Luke. He’s not right for you.” Reid tries to resist, but can’t help himself and he’s reaching out, caressing Luke’s cheek with his fingertips. “Noah’s been keeping you on the hook, jerking you back whenever it suits him. But if you truly love him - if you’re truly in love with him - and want to be with him, then you’re doing the same thing to me now. So you need to make up your mind.”
Luke nods and opens his mouth, but Reid puts his finger to Luke’s lips. “Get some sleep.” He forces himself off the couch and goes to the linen closet for a pillow and blanket. Since Luke’s manual dexterity is currently that of a toddler, Reid kneels and removes Luke’s shoes and peels his jacket off. Luke lies back on the cushions and Reid tries to ignore the wave of tenderness he feels as he tucks the blanket around him.
After giving Luke two extra-strength Advil and leaving him with a very large glass of water, Reid creeps back to his room, careful of the creaky floorboard outside Katie’s door. He lies in bed for a very long time, staring at the ceiling. As a doctor, falling asleep is never a problem for him. He can sleep anywhere, anytime. Sleep is a valuable commodity. Yet the dawn is creeping close by the time Reid drifts away.
The sun is up when Reid is woken by the dip of his mattress. He blinks up at Luke, perched on the edge of the bed. Reid is going to ask how he’s feeling, but it would be comically rhetorical, since Luke looks like hell.
“Thank you.” Luke’s voice is hoarse.
“You’re not going to drink again.” It’s not a question, since the alternative is unacceptable.
Luke’s head shakes slightly before he stops, wincing. “No.” He looks as if he wants to say something else, so Reid stays quiet. Finally Luke goes on. “I’m fucked up.”
“No argument. But I’m not perfect either.”
A smile tugs at Luke’s lips, and Reid’s stomach flip-flops. “Careful. You have your reputation to think of.”
“Well, I’m just trying to make you feel better. I actually am perfect.”
They both laugh, and the voice in Reid’s head is screaming, but he smothers it mercilessly. Luke’s hair sticks out every which way, and Reid finds himself reaching up and smoothing it down.
“Will you give me another chance not to be such a moron?” Luke practically trips over the words. He calms himself with a deep breath. “Please?”
Something Luke said has been rattling around in Reid’s mind, its edges sharp. “If you think I only want you for sex, then you really haven’t been paying attention.”
Luke exhales shakily and looks as if he might cry again. “I’m falling so hard, Reid.”
Then they’re in each other’s arms, and Reid doesn’t care that Luke tastes like stale whiskey, because he wants him in a way he’s never, ever wanted anyone else. Needs him. And as they kiss softly and burrow under the covers, he doesn’t care that the odds are Luke will do something stupid before the week is out.
Because Luke may be falling, but Reid’s already there.
At first Reid thinks he’s dreaming and he flips over to his other side, agitated by the unwelcome noise. Then reality comes into focus and he realizes the knock is coming from the front door. Suddenly awake and alert, he glances at the time as he bounds out of bed.
He gets to the door and yanks it open to find Luke there, fist raised. Luke’s arm hovers for a moment before dropping to his side.
“What the hell are you doing?” Reid hisses. “You’re going to wake Jacob and Katie. It’s the middle of the damn night.”
“I’m sorry. I tried to call you, but-”
“But my phone is off because anyone who needs me in the middle of the night - and that would be the hospital, by the way - has my pager number.”
“I just...I...” Luke lists to one side and has to catch hold of the doorframe.
Reid realizes with a sinking sensation why it is Luke’s words sound slightly slurred. “You’ve been drinking.”
“I needed to...” Luke seems incapable of finishing a thought. He rubs his face.
“Be a complete idiot? Throw a pity party? Kill yourself? Am I getting warm?” Reid’s anger flushes his skin and clenches his jaw. Luke stares at him for a long moment, and then to Reid’s utter horror, Luke bursts into tears. Not sniffly, eyes-glistening-as-he-tries-to-contain-his-emotions tears, but weeping that wracks his body.
Luke doubles over as a sob erupts, and Reid is only so strong. He steps forward and takes Luke into his arms. He half carries him to the couch and lets him cry against his chest, Luke practically curled upon his lap. Reid holds him and comforts him, rubbing Luke’s back and making nonsensical shushing noises. All the while, a stern voice in his head orders him to stop caring so goddamned much.
“I’m sorry.” Luke hiccups and sniffs loudly.
“I picked up on that.”
“I’m so confused.”
Reid shifts Luke over and puts space between them on the couch. “I got that, too. But I can’t do this, Luke.”
Luke doesn’t reply for so long that Reid has to look to make sure he hasn’t passed out. Finally he speaks. “With Noah, no matter how many times he pushes me away...he always wants me back eventually.”
“And that’s good enough for you?” Reid is incredulous.
“No. It’s not. But if I end it with Noah, then what happens when you realize?”
“Realize what?”
“Everything. That you’re out of my league. That I’m really not that interesting. That I’m a college drop-out and you’re a neurosurgeon. Actually they kicked me out, so I’m not even a drop-out. I’m a kick-out. You want me now - you want to have sex with me - but I’ll do something and then you’ll leave and I’ll be alone.”
Reid isn’t sure whether to shake some sense into him or go drag Luke’s so-called parents out of bed and find out how they raised a son with such little self-esteem. “So you’re clinging desperately to Noah so you won’t end up on your own?”
Luke swipes the back of his hand against his eyes. “Yeah. I guess I am.”
“God, that’s pathetic.”
“I know!” Luke grapples for words. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Reid takes Luke’s chin and forces Luke to look him in the eye. “So stop apologizing and do something about it. I won’t be your consolation prize, and I’m not your shrink. I won’t be your shoulder to cry on again. Once is all you get. You know why? Because I deserve more than that. Because I’m better than that. And so are you.”
Reid lets go and crosses his arms over his chest. Luke’s eyes shine and he wipes at them clumsily. “Before Noah, I was so alone. I never thought I’d find someone who really wanted me. Who really wanted to be with me. When Noah finally did, I couldn’t believe it. But it was like, I was always messing up. There was always something. Something I did wrong, or said wrong. Something that made Noah want to leave. I always disappoint him in the end.”
“Then he’s not good enough for you, Luke. He’s not right for you.” Reid tries to resist, but can’t help himself and he’s reaching out, caressing Luke’s cheek with his fingertips. “Noah’s been keeping you on the hook, jerking you back whenever it suits him. But if you truly love him - if you’re truly in love with him - and want to be with him, then you’re doing the same thing to me now. So you need to make up your mind.”
Luke nods and opens his mouth, but Reid puts his finger to Luke’s lips. “Get some sleep.” He forces himself off the couch and goes to the linen closet for a pillow and blanket. Since Luke’s manual dexterity is currently that of a toddler, Reid kneels and removes Luke’s shoes and peels his jacket off. Luke lies back on the cushions and Reid tries to ignore the wave of tenderness he feels as he tucks the blanket around him.
After giving Luke two extra-strength Advil and leaving him with a very large glass of water, Reid creeps back to his room, careful of the creaky floorboard outside Katie’s door. He lies in bed for a very long time, staring at the ceiling. As a doctor, falling asleep is never a problem for him. He can sleep anywhere, anytime. Sleep is a valuable commodity. Yet the dawn is creeping close by the time Reid drifts away.
The sun is up when Reid is woken by the dip of his mattress. He blinks up at Luke, perched on the edge of the bed. Reid is going to ask how he’s feeling, but it would be comically rhetorical, since Luke looks like hell.
“Thank you.” Luke’s voice is hoarse.
“You’re not going to drink again.” It’s not a question, since the alternative is unacceptable.
Luke’s head shakes slightly before he stops, wincing. “No.” He looks as if he wants to say something else, so Reid stays quiet. Finally Luke goes on. “I’m fucked up.”
“No argument. But I’m not perfect either.”
A smile tugs at Luke’s lips, and Reid’s stomach flip-flops. “Careful. You have your reputation to think of.”
“Well, I’m just trying to make you feel better. I actually am perfect.”
They both laugh, and the voice in Reid’s head is screaming, but he smothers it mercilessly. Luke’s hair sticks out every which way, and Reid finds himself reaching up and smoothing it down.
“Will you give me another chance not to be such a moron?” Luke practically trips over the words. He calms himself with a deep breath. “Please?”
Something Luke said has been rattling around in Reid’s mind, its edges sharp. “If you think I only want you for sex, then you really haven’t been paying attention.”
Luke exhales shakily and looks as if he might cry again. “I’m falling so hard, Reid.”
Then they’re in each other’s arms, and Reid doesn’t care that Luke tastes like stale whiskey, because he wants him in a way he’s never, ever wanted anyone else. Needs him. And as they kiss softly and burrow under the covers, he doesn’t care that the odds are Luke will do something stupid before the week is out.
Because Luke may be falling, but Reid’s already there.