Essay writing, pt. II

[big_jewfro]

Well, so much for the once a week idea.  (sigh)  I have two more essays for peer review, if anyone feels so inclined.

For those who are willing, I would ask the following:  Please read the topics and my essays in their entirety, and then in the comments, please make a few suggestions on ways I could improve my writing style / argument construction

Comments

[lillibet]

A couple of small nits in Essay 1:
- it's means “it is,” whereas you mean “belonging to it” or “its” (I have trouble with this one myself, so I am hyper-vigilant)
- you have an extra “in” in the first sentence of the second paragraph
- the contents (plural) were made, not was

Generally, I think you rely too much on the passive voice and you have a tendency to use two words where one would do (e.g. constant and unceasing are synonyms).

As for your argument, I think you're missing the biggest problem with it, which is the assumption that high volumes of information are necessarily a good thing. I think we're beginning to see a backlash (c.f. smacaski's recent rant about co-workers who don't read their email before asking questions) due to overload.

Lastly, I'm curious--where are you finding these questions?

Essay II

[lillibet]

I didn't catch any nits this time. Grammar monkey goes hungry.

I would actually argue the reverse, that all actions are selfish, because performing them satisfies some need in the individual, even if the outcome is altruistic. Soldiers and foster parents may be satisfying the need to feel useful, that their lives have meaning, that they are fulfilling their duty, etc. I think if there weren't satisfaction in it, no one would do these things and it does make them inherently selfish, but I don't think that makes them any less commendable actions for all that.