Chapter V, part i
you're the only one who can bring the stars for me
my little dream
ten miles from town
and i just broke down, spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
i'm out here alone, just trying to get home
The first kiss was chaste, soft, quick-their lips came together gently, slowly; it was a brilliant, beautiful first taste, a glimpse of all they could be and all he needed them to be, and oh God, Jared was in heaven. With his hands spread across Castiel’s back, fingers pressing urgently against him, he brought them closer, until there was nothing between them-it was as if, all of a sudden, they’d become one; as if their heated touch could melt and meld them together, and then Castiel drew backwards, breaking the spell.
He furrowed his brow, peering down at the angel-for one breathtakingly terrifying moment, he thought that maybe the other had decided that it was all a mistake, and that this wasn’t what he wanted.
He needn’t have worried.
Castiel’s face was flushed, cheeks a pretty, pale shade of pink; when he pulled back, he didn’t pull away, not quite. Instead, he simply ducked his head, hands pinned against Jared’s front, fisted in his shirt; he stayed like that for a while, still, thinking, and Jared took that as a good sign. Sure, it wasn’t exactly the kiss from before, but it was intimate-wonderful-and more than enough; and he took the opportunity to press his lips against his angel’s forehead again, breathing in his smell-he smelt like rain and cinnamon, Jared thought, if he were to best match the scent to anything he knew.
After a while, he shifted uncomfortably.
“Uh, Cas-are you, uh, okay?”
“I am thinking.”
“Of something good, I hope.”
“Yes.”
“Are you-are you going to take much longer?”
Castiel looked up then, frowning; there was confusion obvious on his face. “Is there something wrong?”
“Dude, no,” Jared grinned, somewhat sheepishly. “Uh, no-seriously, everything’s cool. It’s just-I mean, I was thinking we could…”
Almost immediately, he cut himself off before he could say anything else, cheeks flushing a furious shade of red. All of a sudden, Castiel’s touch felt burning hot-what the hell was he going to say? ‘Oh, hey, I know you’re an angel of the Lord and all, but I figured we could probably make out for a little while longer; it’s not like you might want this to mean something more than just a couple of teenage-esque kisses, right? Although, in all fairness, you probably didn’t really understand that reference.’ He wanted to slap a hand against his forehead at his own stupidity-and probably insensitivity-but he was pinned against an angel, so there was really nothing he could do.
“Ignore me, Cas. I think I’m tired.”
Castiel looked disappointed.
That was odd.
“Really?”
“Uhm, no-not anymore-yes? I’m not sure. Am I?”
“Are you sure or are you tired?”
“A bit of both, really.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No, you are not sure,” Castiel said, and brushed his thumb across Jared’s bottom lip, as if suddenly transfixed by the curve of the pink flesh, “And no, you are not tired.”
And that is how their second kiss came about.
It was faster-much faster-and bruising, the way they clashed together; suddenly, hands were everywhere, fingers raking through his hair, one hand clutching desperately at the front of his shirt. Everything felt static, electric, as tongues battled for dominance-as Jared tasted every inch of his angel, he closed his eyes, hands pressed against the other’s back, pulling him so that they were flat against each other. This closeness, this warmth… the intimacy was astounding, alluring, and Jared-God, he wanted more of it.
So much more.
Castiel chose that moment to let out this soft little grunt against his lips, smothered by their kiss-it wasn’t quite a moan, not yet, but it was definitely on its way there, and hell, if Jared didn’t feel that tingle through his body, electric, and just so fucking hot, then he probably wouldn’t be able to feel anything at all. Suddenly, the kiss was just a fraction more urgent-and it was Castiel that moved them, too. One second, they’d been stood in the centre of the room, and Jared had been losing himself in all this heat, these feelings, this rush-the next, he’d been pushed up against the wall, with just enough force to make him gasp, as Castiel’s fingers twined ruthlessly in his hair, jerking him downwards. His angel drew back then, again, but only for brief seconds; tantalizingly slowly, a tongue flicked out across Jared’s bottom lip, as if tasting him, before sucking once, almost greedily. Jared moaned then, pretty loudly, and it felt weirdly dirty.
It was mostly embarrassing though, even more so when Castiel broke away, looking extremely concerned.
“Are you okay?”
“F-Fuck.”
That probably would have gone much better if he hadn’t stammered, he mused.
Struggling to catch his breath, he tried again-but it was difficult, partly because of the distance between them and partly because of the knee pressed against his crotch.
“Jesus, Cas-you can’t just-I mean, seriously, give me a warning, or something,” Jared murmured, keeping his eyes fixed on the ceiling; he figured if he looked down at Castiel and saw kiss-stained lips or flushed cheeks, he’d probably lose it then and there, and he was holding on so well, too. “You could kill a guy like that.”
Castiel sounded unimpressed. “I doubt it.”
“You have no idea what power you hold, then.”
“I am more than aware, Jared. One look upon my true form and you would be blinded-once, I would have been able to bend this universe to my will. Mountains would bow for me, if I so commanded it, and the stars would fall; my brethren and I are the most powerful of our Father’s children, and, if I willed it, I could help bring about the end of this all, as brothers have tried before me. If I so wished, I could fall-but if I so wished, I could rise; and mortal men would bow before me, in awe of my power; of the power my Father has given me,” his angel said, and his voice was soft, dark, deadly-it oozed, reeked, stank of power, but fuck, it had to be the hottest thing Jared had ever heard. In front of him, those bright blue eyes darkened with lust and just that tiny touch of danger, and-
And instead of this powerful angel of the Lord, Jared saw his Castiel.
He saw his angel dressed in a t-shirt too big thing, with hair that was permanently messy; he saw the angel who fell asleep curled on the sofa, calm and peaceful, like a cat. He saw the angel who baked, and became awkward and uncomfortable around his neighbours, and got immersed in television programs and films; he saw the angel who walked his dogs and locked himself out of the flat and struggled to use a mobile phone properly.
He saw his angel who fell from Heaven.
He saw his fallen star.
He saw his Cas.
Just like that, the spell was broken. Jared grinned his huge, happy grin, and Castiel answered it with a sheepish smile, and then they kissed again, sweet and short and just a tiny bit sappy this time. It was different to the first kiss, which had been uncertain and hesitant, but a slice of bliss, and it was definitely nothing like the second kiss, which had been full of want and need. This was slow and gradual, building up to…
To what?
To this, he thought, and that was more than enough.
At some point, they tumbled into Jared’s bedroom together. It really was a tumble, because Jared had his pants around his ankles at that point and his shirt half-torn off his shoulders. It was pretty unfair, in all honesty, because all Castiel had lost was his t-shirt-but that was just enough, really, to send Jared crazy. Peeling that off and revealing that skin-that smooth, pale skin, nipples dark and hard, and the tips of those jutting hipbones-was enough to send him fucking insane, but he’d been unable to peel any more layers off his angel, because, at that point, the other had begun tugging at his pants somewhat frantically. Then Jared had decided they’d probably better move the entire thing to his bedroom, and he’d stumbled over his own feet and collapsed on the bed in a chuckling heap.
After gazing blankly at him for a moment, Castiel crossed over to join him, the tiniest of smiles across his face as they lay side by side, on their backs, gazing up at the ceiling. Jared couldn’t help but think of when he’d been younger-they’d played that game back then, too, and he pointed his finger at the ceiling, tracing patterns in the plaster, momentarily distracted from his state of undress.
“Hey, if you squint, you can kind of see a dog-there’s the tail and there’s his ears.”
He glanced across at his angel.
Castiel’s features softened.
“I see.”
“Or it could be a mouse.”
“I suppose.”
“And if you look at it like this, it looks a bit like an elephant.”
“The ears are quite large.”
“Yeah,” Jared grinned, before falling quiet for a moment. Then he shifted so that he could look straight at Castiel, and he frowned, brow furrowing as he asked, “D’you still see that man, Cas-the one with the wings?”
Castiel didn’t look at Jared at first. Instead, he peered up at the ceiling, eyebrows meeting as he considered the idea; then, slowly, his hand came out in front of him, pointing upwards, tracing different patterns in the air. Jared watched, transfixed, and after a while the angel stopped, letting his hand fall back to his side. He turned to Jared then, and with a smile so breathtaking that Jared couldn’t help but feel his own features spread into a mirroring grin, he said:
“I think it might have been a bird after all.”
They spoke for a while, simply lying on their backs and talking together-Jared had one arm folded beneath his head and the other looped lazily around Castiel’s neck, and, after the angel had rid himself of his pants, they didn’t really move much. All they needed was to talk-and if that talking was punctuated with the occasional long, lingering kiss, then so what? It wasn’t like Jared needed to kiss.
Just talking was fine.
But as Castiel moved over him somewhat clumsily to press their lips together in a kiss, he figured the kissing made it much more fun.
They fell asleep together that night. It was weird thinking about it like that-the together part, most of all-but it was what happened. Jared had been in the middle of saying something about Jensen and Supernatural and a prank he’d pulled; it had probably been something spectacular, no doubt, but when he’d blinked his eyes sleepily, he’d seen that Castiel had fallen asleep against his chest, features peaceful. For a while, he’d stayed where he was, yawning and tired, but he’d been unable to let himself close his eyes-it was relaxing, really, watching his angel sleep, but it was more than that. The closeness was heavenly, and Jared wanted to drink in every single moment of it; and that was how he fell asleep, really, cradling his angel in his arms and pressing his lips against his forehead.
For the first time in a long time, the window was closed.
Sunlight streamed into the room, only partially dimmed by the thin, flimsy curtains, as Jared forced himself to wake up that following morning. It was difficult, really, considering how warm and snug he felt, but slowly and surely, he began to wake up, blinking blearily and letting out a low, groggy groan. He stretched his left arm up above his head, yawning-his right arm was pinned to his side, and he frowned, attempting to wriggle free and wondering why the hell it was trapped anyway.
Glancing down, green eyes met bright blue.
He practically jumped out of his skin.
“Jesus!”
“You are mistaken,” Castiel murmured, a smile playing at his lips. “I am still only Castiel.”
“How long have you been awake?”
“An hour, maybe.”
“Dude, you should have woken me up.”
“Why?”
“Because,” Jared paused, searching for words. “Because we could have-I don’t know, talked or something.”
“You were sleeping,” Castiel said, shrugging a shoulder as he shifted slightly, so that his head was more comfortably settled upon the pillow. “You are quite beautiful when you sleep; calm and peaceful. I did not want to wake you. You’re also considerably quieter, believe it or not, and sometimes-most of the time-that is a relief.”
“Oh, look at you getting all sarcastic and witty,” Jared sniffed.
Castiel beamed at him.
“I learnt it from the best.”
“It was an honour.”
“I was not talking about you,” his angel’s smile turned almost mischievous. “I was talking about Jensen.”
“Ouch.”
“My apologies.”
“He’s created a monster, I hope you know that.”
“I’m more than aware,” Castiel murmured, and then his smile became smaller, suggestive, and he moved across Jared, pressing a soft, quick kiss against his lips.
As easily as that, their conversation disappeared entirely-Jared pressed his palm against Castiel’s chest, relishing the feel of the warmth beneath his fingertips, and then he rolled them over, flipping their positions easily so that he was above his angel, a knee pressed against his crotch. He pulled back and Castiel went to move with him, desperate to keep the kiss alive and Jared couldn’t help but grin at that. Instead, he pulled further back, pressing his hand firmly down on Castiel’s chest, keeping him there-his angel let out this disappointed huff and Jared’s grin softened into a happy little smile.
He took the opportunity to drink in the sight of his angel, his free hand exploring every inch of the other’s body. Ghosting his fingers across pale skin, he came to a halt at the angel’s nipples-gently, and tantalizingly so, he brushed his thumb across the pink nubs, his breath hitching as they hardened beneath his touch. He tugged experimentally at the left one, watching as Castiel’s back arched, his breath quickening, his fingers gripping the bed-sheet below them, screwing up the material in his hands. He twisted it, and Castiel couldn’t help but let out a noise midway between a moan and a whimper-and his fingers tightened, index against thumb, and he lowered his head until his breath was hot against his angel’s chest.
Then, slowly, tentatively, he flicked his tongue across the hardened nub.
Castiel practically growled then, jerking upwards-Jared took that as a reason to continue, and so he sucked gently on the nipple, drawing it upwards before grazing it slightly with his teeth.
Still flicking his tongue across his angel’s nipples, his hand lowered, brushing briefly over those glorious hipbones-jagged and sharp enough to cut-dipping down between parted legs, past the elastic band of Castiel’s boxers. He ran his hand across Castiel’s cock, palming roughly at it before dragging his fingers up the length, fast and firm; he hadn’t really done this sort of thing before, but he figured he’d do it how he liked it, and that would probably work out. Sure enough, as he moved his hand, Castiel gasped, letting out a series of garbled whimpers as Jared’s movements grew faster and surer-and then Jared let out his own mimicking gasp, as a hand pushed against his crotch, palming maybe just a little bit too roughly, a little bit too fast, but Jesus, it was amazing.
They rocked backwards and forwards, an awkward, disjointed rhythm, until Castiel let out a long series of ragged, broken gasps, his body jerking and juddering as he rode out his orgasm, blue eyes wide with bliss.
Jared came not too long after.
Then, with a low, satisfied groan, he collapsed on top of his angel.
Jared just sniggered against his neck.
“Dude, have you brought your angel on set?”
Jared nudged Jensen, frowning slightly. “Don’t call him that.”
“He is an angel.”
“No, I meant-”
“And he is yours.”
“Except he isn’t.”
“He’s like a stray cat,” Jensen shrugged, tilting his head slightly as he watched Castiel-the angel was stood awkwardly beside Kripke, just a little way away from them, peering about the set as if he didn’t quite understand it. When he caught sight of Jared, though, his face practically lit up to the point where he seemed to be glowing with happiness, and Jensen shrugged again. “Maybe not a stray cat. Maybe a lost puppy-look, he’s practically wagging his tail for you.”
“Oh shut it, grumpy.”
“I am not grumpy.”
“Someone didn’t drink their coffee this morning.”
“It tasted like shit,” Jensen sniffed. “How come your angel is here anyway?”
“He’s not-”
“Right, right-he’s not your angel. That’s why you get that stupid goofy smile on your stupid goofy face whenever I say he’s your angel.”
“Dick.”
“And yet you still love me.”
“Debatable.”
“You’re very good at changing the subject.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
“It’s a talent of mine.”
“Anyway, back to the original topic, Padalecki,” Jensen rolled his eyes. “Why is your angel here-and why do you keep getting that stupid smile on your face? Well, aside from the obvious reason that you’re in love with his feathery ass-”
“His ass isn’t feathery at all.”
There was a pause.
“Did you bang the angel?”
“Oddly enough, that isn’t something I want to discuss with you.”
“Hey, you brought it up!”
“And I sincerely regret saying anything.”
“You screwed Castiel!”
“You’re making it sound so cheap.”
“I mean, sure, it’s about time you got past the big block of stupid in your head, but seriously? Knowing you, you probably only figured it out a couple of days ago, too, and-and I’m right?! Dude, when did you suddenly realise you had this big girly crush on your childhood best friend and roommate and friggin’ angel of the Lord, anyway?”
“Last weekend.”
“Last weekend?!”
“Yeah.”
“You are hopeless.”
“Only a little bit.”
“I don’t know how you even manage to function on your own.”
“C’mon, give me some credit-at least I did figure it out.”
“After a year.”
“Huh?”
“You heard me-he’s been here for just over a year, and you’ve only just figured it out. Hell, we’re midway through our second season. If you’d been Sam, you’d have figured it out ages ago, apart from you’re not Sam-you’re Jared Padalecki, and Jared Padalecki is a massive idiot of a man.”
“Hey, don’t sugar-coat it.”
“I won’t.”
“You didn’t.”
“I know.”
For a moment, there was silence.
Jared took the opportunity to watch Castiel-as he did so, a small smile flickered across his face, faint, but obviously there; the angel looked so bewildered, but also equal parts amazed, and he was watching the camera crew set up a new angle for one of the scenes as if he’d never even seen a camera before. Absently, Jared wondered if he had seen a camera before, and then decided that he probably didn’t have anywhere near enough photos of his angel-hell, he didn’t think he had any-and so resolved to change that fact. When he glanced back at Jensen, his friend was grinning at him, an eyebrow raised pointedly.
Jared’s own grin was some part bashful but some part proud.
“What?”
“Dude, it’s about time.”
“Yeah,” Jared laughed. “Yeah, I know.”
all that i'm after is a life full of laughter
as long as i'm laughing with you
i'm thinking:
all that still matters is love ever after
after the life we've been through
After that, there wasn’t really much time for either of them to talk-Kripke swept them away to film various different scenes for Season Two, including one extremely fast-paced action scene, which left Jared panting and pretty sweaty by the end of it all. It was weird, though; whenever he looked up, his gaze would automatically lock with bright blue, and it took every ounce of his professionalism as an actor to stop himself from grinning, rushing across to his angel and sweeping him off his feet. He didn’t, though. He managed to stop himself. That didn’t mean, however, that he had to stop himself during his breaks, and the moment Kripke called for a quick time-out for food, Jared bounded over to Castiel.
“You’re not too bored, right?”
“It is very interesting.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Castiel assured him, before placing the sweetest and slightest of kisses against his lips-it was so brief and light that Jared almost missed it, but it left him feeling giddy and happy for the rest of the day.
believe me:
i won't stop at nothing to see you
so i've started running
That night, Jared woke at just past midnight; he jolted awake, the result of some nightmare or another, and Castiel stirred and groaned by his side. For a while, Jared simply propped himself up on his elbow, gazing down at his angel; he was filled with this fierce sense of adoration, of pride, of love, and that goofy smile-the one Jensen had kept mentioning earlier-flitted across his face as his eyes traced every single curve and contour that made up his angel. A breeze swept across the room-light, soft, and it ghosted across his skin; it was enough, though. His gaze tore from his angel’s face to the open window.
He couldn’t remember leaving it open.
Then again, he never could.
He stared at it for a long, hard moment.
Then-
“Could you close the window?”
He blinked.
Beside him, Castiel was rubbing his eyes wearily; when Jared didn’t move at all, momentarily transfixed, he sat upright and the blankets pooled around his waist. In that moment, he looked beautiful-skin stark white, bathed in moonlight, eyes as bright as they had been on the first night Jared had met him. He was flawless, again-and he was also shivering, frowning slightly as he pulled the blankets up to his body.
“‘s cold.”
Jared couldn’t help it-his eyebrows shot upwards and he probably looked like he’d just seen a ghost or something, because, seriously, close the window? He hadn’t done that-well, he hadn’t done that for a long time. Each night, he would leave his window open, wherever he was, no matter who he was with. And each morning, he would close it again. That was just how it was. He stood up, slowly, and made his way over to the window; and there his hands hesitated, reaching for the handles. It just felt wrong closing them now. He supposed it didn’t really make sense as to why he was keeping them open anymore; he had to admit that it was actually a pretty cold night, and he’d only ever kept them open so that his angel could come back, if he wanted to. But Castiel was here now, and so there was really no reason to keep them open-it wasn’t as though he was going anywhere, after all.
And yet-
He could leave.
It had happened before.
It could happen again.
“I’m here now,” his angel murmured, placing his hand upon Jared’s-in that instant, he’d understood, and this-this was what Jared needed. “I promise I will never leave you again.”
Together, slowly, they closed the window.
Jared followed Castiel back into bed and they lay together; he wrapped his arms around his angel, and Castiel pressed back against him, his body flush against Jared’s. He was faced away from Jared-but if Jared had been able to see him, he would have seen the fleeting troubled expression which passed across his face, quick, but still very much there. He didn’t, though, and that was probably all for the better.
It was a Thursday and, in Jared’s opinion, Thursdays in November tended to be wet and grim. It was raining when he looked out the window-the sort of unrelenting, pounding rain which left you soaked through, your hair sticking to your forehead like plaster, and your clothes dripping as they hung from your body. He hadn’t really planned on going out at all that day-he never did when it came to rainy Thursdays-but Castiel had taken one look at the rain and then gripped Jared’s arm, saying, “Walk with me,” in that husky voice of his.
“Yeah, because it’s lovely weather for a quick stroll through the park, Cas.”
“Please?”
And hey, who was Jared to say no?
Rolling his eyes, he murmured, “I’ll get the umbrella.”
Castiel’s answering smile was only just enough to make the entire thing worthwhile, and so Jared shifted himself lazily up off the sofa, heading over to the coat rack. In the end, he couldn’t find an umbrella, but he did find an old raincoat-as he already owned a coat with a hood, he gave the old thing to Castiel, who looked at it with some distaste. It was bright yellow, after all, but beggars couldn’t be choosers, and Jared flat out refused to let the angel leave the house without some sort of protection against the rain.
“You’ll get a cold,” he frowned.
“Angels do not get colds,” Castiel sniffed, but he tugged the raincoat over his head nonetheless before heading impatiently over to the door.
Jared had half a mind to bring the dogs with him, but he decided against it; it would take ages for them to dry afterwards, so he settled with scratching them once on the head. Then he followed Castiel over to the door, unlocked it, and they headed out into the hallway together; oddly enough, Castiel chattered needlessly about anything which seemed to come to the angel’s mind. He talked about Mrs Smith, about baking, about Spain, spoke a little bit in Latin, gave Jared a quick history lesson about knights and jousting, and then finished it all by explaining a rather complicated math equation to him-Jared tried his hardest to keep up, but he couldn’t understand the relevance of any of it, so it was pretty difficult. It seemed to him as if Castiel were simply talking for the sake of it; talking because he didn’t know what else to do. It was something Jared did often himself, and usually because of nerves-which, ultimately, was even weirder, because why the hell would Castiel be nervous?
It was when they were outside, midway down the street, that Castiel finally fell silent, which, in light of all the jittery talking, was actually weirder than anything else. Glancing down at his angel, he wondered what the hell this was all about-his expression was hidden by the yellow hood of his raincoat, which he’d quickly pulled up around his face.
It was all strange.
Jared, however, was more than willing to let Castiel take his time with it.
Finally, they came to the entrance of the park; it was a small park, with no children’s playground and only a few benches crowded around the tiniest pond you’d ever seen. It was mostly a little wooded area, really, with a narrow, cobbled path that wound through the trees and flowers, and it was that path that they followed then, with Castiel walking a few steps ahead of Jared, his pace much quicker than Jared’s. In fact, Jared was having to stride just to keep up with the angel-and then, all of a sudden, his angel came to a halt, stopping so suddenly that Jared very nearly walked straight past him. He spun himself around at the last moment, brow knitted with concern-opposite him, Castiel was peering down at the ground, his expression shrouded by his hair and that damn hood, and so Jared couldn’t really tell what was on the angel’s mind at all, until:
“I never meant to leave you, Jared.”
His heart froze.
So-
So this was what Castiel wanted to talk about.
It was strange, really, how earlier on, at the beginning, Jared would have given anything just to find out why-and while it wasn’t that he didn’t care now, it was more like he wasn’t sure it mattered. He opened his mouth to say just as much, but Castiel’s head shot upwards then, and he silenced him with one piercing, blue-eyed look.
“Let me explain.”
“Okay.”
“Let me first begin by telling you this: angels do not often come to Earth, Jared-it is not something that is willingly done. To be cast from Heaven… It is widely regarded to be a punishment, but it must be deserved; when I first fell from Heaven, and you found me, I was bewildered, scared. I might have had many, many years on you-and I still do-but I had never touched the Earth before in any of my years; I was always a spectator, watching from afar, and that was how I preferred it. As a result, I was certain I must have angered my Father in some way, to have fallen from Heaven after-after years of service, and so when you found me, I was… I was terrified. Not only that, but I was confused and angry and I yearned for answers-and so that is what I went to try to find, that day when I disappeared. I left, because I needed to know why I was here.”
He paused.
For a few moments, he was thoughtful, reflecting. Then, his features turned sombre-sad, but so beautifully so.
“I never intended to leave for so long, though.”
“Then why?”
“Remember that this was my first time on Earth-I had no idea as to how time worked here or as to how strong or weak my powers were. When I left, I left for mere hours in my opinion; I was still used to time as it passed in Heaven which, to a human, would appear timeless-what I thought were hours actually turned out to be years. I went back, Jared-I did. I went back for you, but you’d grown up. I was too late,” Castiel smiled, a sad little smile, and Jared felt his heart ache. “When I left, I found out that my powers were weakening-by staying away from Heaven for so long, my Grace was seeping away, bit by bit each day. This is all that is left of it.”
At that, he spread his wings.
Or, at least, they appeared to be wings.
They were hardly the wings Jared remembered from when he was a boy, and they didn’t even live up to the faded glory they’d had a few years ago; now they were nothing more than shadows, shimmering in the faint light. Jared could barely see them. Gingerly, tentatively, he stretched his hand out, reaching to touch where he assumed the feathers were; at first, he couldn’t feel anything, but as he pressed harder, he felt them. Unlike before, where they’d been as fluid and heavy as water, now they felt like a cold breath against his fingertips.
He pulled his hand away.
When his eyes met Castiel’s, he was struck by how lost his angel suddenly looked.
“I couldn’t find them, Jay-none of them. I looked and I looked, and I shouted for them, but they wouldn’t answer,” Castiel said, his voice hoarse, desperate. “They couldn’t-I couldn’t-there weren’t any answers, and when I tried to find you, you were-you weren’t-I was-”
He broke off.
Jared brushed his thumb across his angel’s lower lip.
“I was too late.”
“You weren’t.”
“You’d grown up.”
“Hey, I was going to do it one way or another, Cas.”
“Without me.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
“My brothers wouldn’t have been able to give me answers, anyway,” Castiel said then, finally, shrugging a shoulder and pulling away from Jared’s touch-he ducked his head, and that ridiculous hood hid his face again. “My Father would have been able to, though, but I don’t understand why-why did he… Why has he done this to me? I’m losing it all, Jared-everything I am. When my Grace runs out, I will live and die as a mortal-as a human-and I don’t know… I don’t understand… I just want to know why.”
Jared stepped forwards then, running his fingers up across the other’s face, slipping back that hood-he’d tugged off his own ages ago, and his hair was sodden, sticking to his face. Castiel looked a little lost.
He asked:
“Would that change anything?”
Castiel frowned. “What?”
“If you knew why-would it change anything? Would you go back? Would you-would everything be different?”
“It could be.”
“Then I’m glad you don’t know, Cas,” Jared said, frown deepening. “I don’t want anything to be different.”
Castiel didn’t reply.
“I’m happy, Cas. Aren’t you?”
His angel didn’t say anything-didn’t need to say anything. As the rain tore at the world around them, Jared thought that maybe this was the happiest his angel had been in a long time, because, in that instant, Castiel closed the gap between them with a kiss. Short, sweet, sharp, it was the yes Jared wanted-and it was the apology he’d always needed.
last time we talked
the night that i walked burns like an iron in the back of my mind
i must have been high to say you and i weren't meant to be
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