Only Yunho

[beya3x]

Title: Only Yunho
Summary: They were two people who always found each other again.
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG13
Length: Oneshot

Sequel to Always Yunho

---


Yunho knew.

Yunho knew what he'd just done. The undone clothes, the messy hair, picking him up in a stranger's apartment. It was enough for him to know.

Yunho, he always knew.

Jaejoong could see it in the way Yunho overly concentrated on his driving, he was mad. He would always be mad when Jaejoong did things like this. It was the reason why Jaejoong could only stay silent.

Yunho kept his feet on the ground. He was his gravity.

Jaejoong only looked out the window, watching the blurring lights as they passed them. Although neither of them were speaking, and although Yunho was fuming beside him, it was the most comfortable he’d been all night.

--

Yunho turned to a familiar street and Jaejoong held his hand out to him. “I…I don’t want to go home.”

With a tired sigh, Yunho slowed down the car. It was past midnight and he didn’t have the patience to deal with Jaejoong. He looked at him with stern eyes, “Okay, where do you want me to take you?”

“I don’t know” he said, almost weak enough for Yunho to hear.

Yunho closed his eyes in irritation. “Jaejoong, you have to tell me where to go.”

“I said I don’t know. Anywhere. I just, I don’t want to go back to my place right now…it’s too big.” He looked at him with lonely eyes and Yunho couldn’t deny him.

“I’ll drive you to Yoochun’s”

“No.”

“Junsu’s then.”

“Not there either”

Yunho suddenly pulled the car to the side of the road and stopped. He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. Jaejoong called him in the middle of the night and his cypticness is not helping at all. “This is the problem with you Jae. You tell me what you don’t want and you expect me to read your mind to find out what you do want. I can’t do that.”

They both don’t speak, the car still unmoving. Long moments passed by and it seemed like everything else around them stopped too. That deadpan silence cut through the air.

Yunho decided to drive to nowhere specific, but he drove through the streets with no purpose, knowing that having the car parked was no better, a part of him just wanted to get distracted from Jaejoong.

“Can’t I stay at your place?” He finally heard an unsure voice.

“You know you can’t Jae.”

Jaejoong simply bit his lip and looked back at the window. Yunho let out another tired breath. “Changmin is there and the house is probably a mess…I’m not…I don’t…”

“I can handle Changmi--”

“No." He says, and he doesn't have to look to feel the hurt from Jaejoong. He immediately feels like he owes him an explanation, so without really thinking he does. "…I haven’t been sleeping there for the past few days.” Yunho said in a fading, almost guilty voice.

“What? Where do you sleep? Where have you been sleeping?” Jaejoong answered in alarm. He is no longer hurt nor confused nor timid. Yunho glances at him, immediately knowing that the conversation would lead to a fight. There he was, the Jaejoong with fire.

“It’s none of your business.”

“No. Where have you been sleeping, Yunho?”

“I said it’s none of your business.”

“Is it with some girl? Go Ara? Boa? What? A skank you picked off a club? Some nice wife material your father consigned to you?”

“Jaejoong, damn it. Calm down. Can you just shut up about this? It’s none of your business.” Yunho immediately regrets speaking.

“Fine. I want to get off” Jaejoong suddenly fumbled with the car lock. He knew he didn’t have the right to be jealous, to feel what he felt but he suddenly couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t be around Yunho, not when he kept imagining him with someone else. It was irrational, yes. But he was Jaejoong. Jaejoong the irrational one.

Yunho distractedly glanced off the road and swatted his arms.

“What the fuck? Stop it Jaejoong!”

Jaejoong didn’t listen and continued to pull up the lock, Yunho kept his finger down on the master lock control on the driver’s side, trying his best not to get distracted from driving.

“Damn it Yunho, let me go!”

“You are not getting off this car!”

“Oh yea, watch me,” with a swift move Jaejoong moved his arms towards the driver’s side, bumping Yunho aside. The car swerved, almost skidding down the streets and almost hitting the window display of a closed wedding store. Yunho pushed him off, settling him back to his seat.

“Jaejoong, what the fuck, are you trying to get us killed?” Yunho’s voice was loud and angry, any person would’ve frozen, but Jaejoong didn’t fret.

“No. I’m trying to get off the damn car!” he said, trying to open the lock to his door again.

“Jaejoong, just stop it. Stop it! What do you want?” the other didn’t answer and only continued trying to open the door. Yunho groaned. He parked the car in the side for the second time and looked at Jaejoong with sheer exasperation. “You know what. Okay. I’ll tell you. I haven’t been sleeping in the apartment these past few days because I’ve been busy in the SM office. There. Are you happy? I sleep in that little guestroom they have because I just get too tired to drive back home from all the work. Are you going to start calling me off for being a workaholic? For acting like a robot? Because I know Jae, and I don’t like how I am either but I can’t fucking let my responsibilities go!” His voice was fuelled in irritation. Jaejoong could only bite his lip and a thick silence overcame them again.

Yunho drove the car at a breath hitching speed, but Jaejoong could no longer complain.

--

They end up in a small motel in one of the small streets of Seoul. The old woman at the counter didn’t seem to recognise them, but they signed with different names and didn’t linger too long to avoid giving any impresisions.

The way up to their room was another silent occasion for both of them. When they entered, Jaejoong muffled a soft, “I’m sorry” which seemed to have gone unnoticed by Yunho.

Yunho is fumbling with the worn out heater at the corner of the room when he says it again…twice, thrice, four times and Yunho didn’t respond, Jaejoong made his way up to him and pulled his hand from the damn appliance, forcing him to look into his eyes. “What the hell's wrong with you?”

“Are you really going to ask me that Jaejoong? What’s wrong with you? You ask me to pick you up in an ungodly hour, and then you go into a fit in my car, almost crashing it. And something is wrong with me? That fit in the car? What the hell was that about? How dare you make assertions on me like that. Take a look at yourself! What were you doing out anyway? Who was it this time? Was he the first tonight?” He answered with equal annoyance.

With an agitated sigh, Jaejoong pushed his arm down and shoved Yunho off, but this time the other man followed him. “You can’t keep doing this. Being with people like that!”

Jaejoong hated it when Yunho played the integrity card on him. He was a hypocrite. He’d always scold him, but if Yunho did something stupid, he’d justify it by saying something like he needed a break from all the stress drawn out from work.

"Oh. That's the deal with you Yunho. Everyone has to go through you don't they? Who are you anyway? You're so arrogant! You think you know better than me! And I get it, that you have that instinctive desire to protect people around you..boohoo. Jung fucking Yunho the leader. You always try to make things perfect, but in case you haven’t noticed, what’s right for you isn’t the same for others." Jaejoong pushed his chest until they he was backed into a corner.

“Then why did you call me?” Yunho took his hands and reversed their position. Being pinned to the wall, Jaejoong didn’t back down and spat a loud reply back at him. “Because I thought you’d know better than to give me a lecture! I needed someone to pick me up not a judgemental asshole.”

"I just want someone good for you!"

"You keep telling me that! Who then? Sometimes I end up thinking maybe it's just because you don't want me to be happy!"

Yunho let him go and moved away, but he never broke eye contact. “You know I can’t tell you who when I want to be that person!” He closed his mouth instantly after realising what he’d just said.

Jaejoong became quiet and held his breath. “Then why not you?” he retorted, almost in a whisper.

“Jaejoong…we’ve been over this” A part of him regretted letting emotions take over him earlier.

“But you’re here now, I’m here now” Jaejoong took a seat in one of the beds. His eyes were starting to water. He didn't want to be in this situation anymore, but he couldn’t help himself. Especially when he knew Yunho was all he wanted, and that Yunho still wanted him.

“Jaejoong, we, us, this, it doesn’t work. We’ve tried. So hard. So many times. You know how we always fall apart.”

“What do you want to hear for me to fix this? Sorry? Sorry. I’m sorry, you know it, Yunho” It is that part of the night where all his defenses come crashing down. He looks at Yunho in the eyes, those gorgeous almond eyes and he forgets everything. His pride, their past, his promises to himself.

Yunho, no longer replies but Jaejoong pushes an argument they have gone through over and over again. And though this time, he knew that it probably wouldn’t be different from all the other times, he says it anyway.

He doesn’t want any regrets, he always tells himself,

"I only left because I was so confused at that time. About the five of us. About my career. About you!"

"We've been through this. That's it Jae...you left me when it was rough. We'll always have rough times. That won't be the last time we'd have obstacles. It wouldn't be the last time you'd be angry with me. I needed you to stay even at those times. But you left...you left without me because you thought there was no other way to fix things, so you decided to end it. You left me when I needed you the most. And how will I know if you wouldn't just quit on me again? Do you think I can survive that again? You quit Jae. When you signed those papers you quit on me."

"You gave me reasons to Yunho. You gave me reasons to leave you. You hurt me more than anyone else.” He bit back his lip, trying to calm himself and avoid choking on his own words. “You knew you were the only one who could hurt me so hard and yet you did it. You, you didn’t try hard enough for me to stay. Don’t act all innocent, you pushed me away too!"

"I'm sorry for that, but I just..."

"I won't. I won't leave you again"

"You said that before." Yunho could barely look at him.

"Am I not worth talking a shot anymore?"

Of course he was. Jaejoong was worth taking every shot he had, but Yunho couldn't do it. Not when he knew it would hurt Jaejoong even more. "But we can't...things, they've gone on for too long. How often do I meet you? And for how long? You...you probably deserve better"

"I don't care about what I deserve. I care about what I want and that's you"

"Then you have to stop wanting me."

"Then you have to let me go too Yunho. Completely."

“You know I can't do that.”

“Then, neither can I.”

Silence.

“So what do we do about it?”

“Nothing, Jae. We can't do anything about it. And it hurts me. It hurts not being able to do anything. It hurts me, seeing you so broken but not being able to do anything about it. So please, please for me, don't do anything that will break you even more.”

And there, Jaejoong saw it, the rare tears threatening to fall off Yunho’s eyes. He hated it when he hurt Yunho like this. He was a strong man, and to see him so weak because of him made him feel like such a destructive bastard. Maybe he was.

"I'm sorry." He stepped off the bed clung to Yunho so desperately and the other did nothing but hold him. "Fix me..." he kisses his lips. "Fix me" the side of his neck. "Fix me" under his ear.

Yunho stopped him. He held his face and looked at him in the eye. Jaejoong. His Jaejoong. The Jaejoong who had been so clueless the first time he met him. The vulnerable Jaejoong he held when things fell apart. The Jaejoong whose skin, body and heart he’d memorized over the years.

He pulled him in for another kiss and the other melted onto him, just like always. They spoke too much. They argued too much and Yunho found it a little hopeless that, sometimes, the only thing that could fix it was misplaced romance.

When they were caught in each other, nothing else mattered.

A kiss that started with desperation suddenly got fueled with passion and want. Jaejoong gripped onto Yunho’s shirt as he was pushed back onto the bed.

“Fuck Jae” he heard Yunho mumble in between the kisses all over his neck.

He wanted it. He needed it. When he felt Yunho’s hands crawl up his shirt he felt pleasurable electricity run through his body.

And only with Yunho. Just Yunho.

He wanted more. They both wanted more.

---

When Jaejoong woke up the next day, sore and worn out. He didn’t have to look around the room. He knew. Yunho was already gone.

There was no trace of him in the room, none, except for a little note by the bed table.

Jaejoong-ah, I have a busy day ahead. I’ll call you.

He smiled for a short while. They break up, they find a way to each other, they fight, they make up. He has lost count of how many times this has happened, he cannot name the names of the hotels they’ve crashed in for they are too many. The arguments, the same points fought over and over again, always forgotten through each others’ warmth but never really resolved. That’s what they do, they are Yunho and Jaejoong. They always find their way back to each other, always…but a part of Jaejoong wondered how he would survive, if one day, they couldn’t anymore.

At that moment though, he shoves his thoughts and fears to the back of his head, maybe this time it will last, it will only be Yunho. Just then his phone rings.

---

A/N: Oh wow! ANGST BOMB. I’m sorry for this. I just had to write it to get it off my head. D: I have quite the imagination for the “real life” YunJae dynamic, so forgive me if I made things more dramatic than they should be. DX I hope you liked it though. ^^