Misnomer: A Look Into My Mind.
I decided it's time to write this. I have been composing an entry on myself and my inner workings for some time now, and now seems to be the perfect time to actually sit down and put it into fruition.
I realize that this is very TL;DR for a lot of you, so I at least split it up into segments.
My Name
I know that most of you already know at least a bit of the story of my having two names. Those who know me in real life call me by my given, legal name (most of the time). I really don't mind this, if they are my friends and have known me only as such for several years. Over the past year or two, I have assimilated into the use of the other name through various online communities and friendships. I plan to have this become my legal name as soon as I get my degree.
Every time I introduce myself to someone or hear my name in roll, I think that isn't me! I want to put a sign on my door with my name, but which do I use, the one that everyone uses, or the one that I truly call mine?
I think that naming a child at birth and making them live their entire life that way is cruel. In our society, everyone wears their name like a pair of shoes. Some people get nice shoes: just their size, comfortable, very flattering. Others get a pair that just isn't quite right. Their toes are cramped, they get blisters, they look ridiculous with their outfit. I feel like that sometimes, like my name is abrasive, giving me blisters. My new name is a custom design, made by me specifically for me. It fits me perfectly.
My Personality
HOUSE: Yes. Well, of course. That would play into your romantic vision of human...
WILSON: Terms you would understand. We have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring, our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe.
HOUSE: Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.
There is a personality down in there somewhere, oddly enough. I have a tendency to isolate myself, and then suddenly feel the need for human interaction. I like to be absolutely sure of myself before voicing my opinion.I have a tendency to think things over way too long, and it seems like I'm ignoring you when really I'm not. I like the familiar, I fear change. I like to follow a certain routine, but it's actually very different from the routine most people maintain.
I have severe social phobia, and I tend to steer clear of situations where there will be a lot of strange people, because strangers tend to be rude and misunderstanding of my situation. Sometimes I let this get the best of me, and end up living in total isolation for extended periods of time, because I need to be poked and persuaded into social interaction.
I do not speak unless spoken to, do not interfere unless approached. If you do not invite me somewhere, I will not go. It's just not my nature. My trust is not easily earned. I could be friends with you for years and never tell you some of the most intimate details about myself. Most of the time, you have to figure it out yourself. I'm very impersonal; I don't call anyone by name directly. It just seems weird to me. I also don't make eye contact with you unless I trust you completely. Otherwise I think it's too intimate. If the eyes are the window to my soul, then why would I allow someone I just met to see into them?
To me, nothing is an absolute. There are no definites in our society. Everything happens for a reason, and there are some things that are just beyond our control. Everything we do or say affects the outcome of our lives in some way.
Sometimes I'm not that nice. Do not expect me to be a ray of sunshine the first time you speak to me. Chances are when you meet me I am actually terrified of you. Be gentle and get to really know me, and I could be a really great friend.
My Lifestyle
The only word that would fully describe my way of life is counterproductive. Most of my time is spent doing nothing. The nothing consists of podcasts (usually listening, sometimes recording), Livejournal, and watching TV on my computer. Why on my computer, you might ask? Because House is only on twice a week, and Doctor Who and Torchwood are British shows, making them harder to find (Doctor Who only airs on Friday nights, and Torchwood's on a channel I don't have). I would be perfectly fine living by myself all the time, as long as I got to see some people every once in a while.
My Intellect
I am sure it has become abundantly clear to most of you, either through experience with me or simply reading this now, that I have an elevated linguistic level compared to most others, and I tend to write and speak in a very elevated vernacular. This could well be attributed to my reading copies of the dictionary and Warriner's grammar in my younger days, and also from absorbing most of the media around me from a very early age. Comparatively, I'm technically a genius, but I don't handle it very well. It often frustrates me when someone does not fully comprehend a concept or term that I think to be quite simplistic, and sometimes I neglect to remember that my brain works differently than those of most normal people. It does get quite boring when you have to sit and listen to the same lecture five times when you comprehended it perfectly when you read it. I have a very low tolerance for those who are not of an equal intellectual level, or who cannot at least keep up with me.
My Sexuality
Over the past few months, I've taken some time to re-evaluate my life. I needed to figure out where I was going, since I had begun to notice a lot of others around me were already settling down or setting out their plans for life. While I'm not quite sure exactly where all of this is going to lead me, the soul-searching did help me realize one thing: I'm gay. For a while, since I was about twelve, I had realized that I liked girls, but up until now I've just always thought I was bisexual. It wasn't until I really sat myself down and thought about it that I realized that guys weren't really part of the equation. Sure, I dated a guy in high school, but it turns out he's gay as well. We still poke fun at each other, arguing about who "turned" whom.
I'm still partially in the closet. In certain situations, there just hasn't been a need to tell anyone. In other cases, I'm afraid. One of which is telling my family. I don't know if I'm ever going to fully come out to my family. I guess once I enter into a relationship, that will be a bigger deal. But for now, I'm just trying to come to terms with my own sexual identity.
I realize that this is very TL;DR for a lot of you, so I at least split it up into segments.
My Name
I know that most of you already know at least a bit of the story of my having two names. Those who know me in real life call me by my given, legal name (most of the time). I really don't mind this, if they are my friends and have known me only as such for several years. Over the past year or two, I have assimilated into the use of the other name through various online communities and friendships. I plan to have this become my legal name as soon as I get my degree.
Every time I introduce myself to someone or hear my name in roll, I think that isn't me! I want to put a sign on my door with my name, but which do I use, the one that everyone uses, or the one that I truly call mine?
I think that naming a child at birth and making them live their entire life that way is cruel. In our society, everyone wears their name like a pair of shoes. Some people get nice shoes: just their size, comfortable, very flattering. Others get a pair that just isn't quite right. Their toes are cramped, they get blisters, they look ridiculous with their outfit. I feel like that sometimes, like my name is abrasive, giving me blisters. My new name is a custom design, made by me specifically for me. It fits me perfectly.
My Personality
HOUSE: Yes. Well, of course. That would play into your romantic vision of human...
WILSON: Terms you would understand. We have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring, our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe.
HOUSE: Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.
There is a personality down in there somewhere, oddly enough. I have a tendency to isolate myself, and then suddenly feel the need for human interaction. I like to be absolutely sure of myself before voicing my opinion.I have a tendency to think things over way too long, and it seems like I'm ignoring you when really I'm not. I like the familiar, I fear change. I like to follow a certain routine, but it's actually very different from the routine most people maintain.
I have severe social phobia, and I tend to steer clear of situations where there will be a lot of strange people, because strangers tend to be rude and misunderstanding of my situation. Sometimes I let this get the best of me, and end up living in total isolation for extended periods of time, because I need to be poked and persuaded into social interaction.
I do not speak unless spoken to, do not interfere unless approached. If you do not invite me somewhere, I will not go. It's just not my nature. My trust is not easily earned. I could be friends with you for years and never tell you some of the most intimate details about myself. Most of the time, you have to figure it out yourself. I'm very impersonal; I don't call anyone by name directly. It just seems weird to me. I also don't make eye contact with you unless I trust you completely. Otherwise I think it's too intimate. If the eyes are the window to my soul, then why would I allow someone I just met to see into them?
To me, nothing is an absolute. There are no definites in our society. Everything happens for a reason, and there are some things that are just beyond our control. Everything we do or say affects the outcome of our lives in some way.
Sometimes I'm not that nice. Do not expect me to be a ray of sunshine the first time you speak to me. Chances are when you meet me I am actually terrified of you. Be gentle and get to really know me, and I could be a really great friend.
My Lifestyle
The only word that would fully describe my way of life is counterproductive. Most of my time is spent doing nothing. The nothing consists of podcasts (usually listening, sometimes recording), Livejournal, and watching TV on my computer. Why on my computer, you might ask? Because House is only on twice a week, and Doctor Who and Torchwood are British shows, making them harder to find (Doctor Who only airs on Friday nights, and Torchwood's on a channel I don't have). I would be perfectly fine living by myself all the time, as long as I got to see some people every once in a while.
My Intellect
I am sure it has become abundantly clear to most of you, either through experience with me or simply reading this now, that I have an elevated linguistic level compared to most others, and I tend to write and speak in a very elevated vernacular. This could well be attributed to my reading copies of the dictionary and Warriner's grammar in my younger days, and also from absorbing most of the media around me from a very early age. Comparatively, I'm technically a genius, but I don't handle it very well. It often frustrates me when someone does not fully comprehend a concept or term that I think to be quite simplistic, and sometimes I neglect to remember that my brain works differently than those of most normal people. It does get quite boring when you have to sit and listen to the same lecture five times when you comprehended it perfectly when you read it. I have a very low tolerance for those who are not of an equal intellectual level, or who cannot at least keep up with me.
My Sexuality
Over the past few months, I've taken some time to re-evaluate my life. I needed to figure out where I was going, since I had begun to notice a lot of others around me were already settling down or setting out their plans for life. While I'm not quite sure exactly where all of this is going to lead me, the soul-searching did help me realize one thing: I'm gay. For a while, since I was about twelve, I had realized that I liked girls, but up until now I've just always thought I was bisexual. It wasn't until I really sat myself down and thought about it that I realized that guys weren't really part of the equation. Sure, I dated a guy in high school, but it turns out he's gay as well. We still poke fun at each other, arguing about who "turned" whom.
I'm still partially in the closet. In certain situations, there just hasn't been a need to tell anyone. In other cases, I'm afraid. One of which is telling my family. I don't know if I'm ever going to fully come out to my family. I guess once I enter into a relationship, that will be a bigger deal. But for now, I'm just trying to come to terms with my own sexual identity.