Keeping Courageous & Carrying On - Part 10
Title: Keeping Courageous & Carrying On - Part 10
Rating (overall): NC-17
Pairings: Pre Blaine/Kurt. Blaine centric. Puck friendship.
Spoilers: Aired episodes.
Warnings: Abuse, Violence, Alcoholism.
Word Count:4,693
Notes: Inspired by this angst meme prompt. This chapter is dedicated to every single person who left me and my Blaine lovely comments on the last part. I hope you like this. Insomnia has been grinding me down lately.
Summary: Blaine’s father is abusive but he refuses to be brought down by it all. He knows that one day he’s going to make something of his life. He can cope as long as he believes in himself.
Previous:
Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8 || Part 9
o~o~o
Every cloud has a silver lining, that proverb has never been as important to me as it is tonight. While I’ve been crouched on the concrete waiting for Kurt I’ve had the time to reflect on how lucky I am to have met Puck. I know that I haven’t known him for long but he’s not just the kid with the mohawk who hangs out with Finn and talks too much. He’s so much more than that, he’s an astonishing, sensitive, considerate person and if I didn’t have him to talk to I don’t know where I’d be right now. Most likely though, I’d still be at my house and a belt would be cutting through my skin. I close my eyes tightly. I’d rather take Puck any day.
In fact, I’d rather be eternally seated behind this dirty dumpster, with the cold breeze forcing shivers from me every few seconds, than step a single foot in that house ever again. That part of my life is over now because what happened tonight was too much. Every day something worse manages to happen to me because of my father and I can’t even imagine what could be worse than what happened tonight. How many other ‘friends’ would my father bring around to our house? How many other unnerving demands would he make of me? There’s absolutely no way of knowing, none. Besides, I like to believe that I have more self respect than that and I know that must sound ridiculous because it sounds ridiculous in my head but even I have a limit. Even I can recognise when something is too out of control for me to handle. I can cope with the hard punches and the sharp slaps and the vicious kicks and the bigoted name-calling because I can stand up against that. I can make myself be strong enough for it all but I can’t do what he was asking tonight- not that.
Panic rises in my chest again so I press my phone into my face and close my eyes; I let the rest of the world fall away. Listening to Puck’s voice genuinely calms me down, like talking to Kurt does, and before I know it I’m not crying anymore. I’m not saying that Puck talks and then suddenly my life is all rainbows and star-dust because I know I’m still caught deep in the eye of a storm. Puck’s been talking to me for about half an hour and even though I’m not crying my face is still damp. Noah Puckerman isn’t a ‘cure-all’ tonic for sadness but he is a very good friend - a friend who seems to know all the right words to say and all of the appropriate pauses to make. Sometimes I just need to pause the chaos; I need time to exist without fear and anxiety- so I can remember what it’s like to feel okay. Kurt and Puck, they let me feel okay and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Puck laughs softly then and the sweet sound of it drags me out of introspective observation and back into my street-light coated reality.
“So, then I told him to go fuck himself. Can you believe that?” Puck asks and I feel guilty that I haven’t been listening to him properly because I know that he’s upset too and that he’s trying so hard to be strong enough for the both of us.
I can hear the strain in his voice sometimes but that’s only because it sounds like my own. I owe Puck so much and I really wish that knew how to thank him better. We still don’t truly know each other and yet he gives me so much of his time without ever making me feel like a burden or a liability. I’m so glad he’s here, I need to tell him that, right now.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I start softly, genuinely, hoping he’ll understand what I‘m trying to say to him, “Even though you’re not here in person, I‘m so thankful.” I add because it’s the absolute truth and I’m finally starting to sound like myself again. A small ounce of relief washes over me. My heart beat slows, my shoulders relax.
“I’m just glad I can help you.” he says delicately and I can tell he wants to add something but he holds himself back. There are words trying to come off the tip of his tongue but he draws them back inside and locks them away.
“Puck, I feel so silly.” I say eventually and it’s true, I feel like an idiot because now I’m a little more in control of myself I realise how weak I‘m being. I’m feeling stupid all over again.
Puck must pick up the feelings behind my words because he just says sincerely, “You’re scared, Blaine, you’re allowed to feel silly.”
That, coming from Puck, makes all the difference to me; it means that maybe being weak sometimes isn’t that bad. Maybe we’re all weak sometimes because who can be brave forever? I’m definitely not brave, Puck has all but confirmed that he hasn’t always been so brave and I know for a fact that Kurt isn’t brave all the time either. So, maybe it’s okay to let bravery slip sometimes but it still feels slightly wrong. I still feel a little disappointing; like I’m a letdown.
“That doesn’t make me feel much better.” I offer seriously and Puck takes one of his carefully calculated pauses.
“I know but it’s true.” He says eventually and I find it really hard to doubt a word he says to me. After everything, why would he lie to me now?
“Puck?” I ask swiftly and I sound as uncertain as I feel but I need to know something because my whole world has just been tipped upside down and rearranged. I need to know something important and I can’t think of anyone better to answer my query than Puck.
“Yeah?” He asks and he genuinely sounds interested, like he would tell me anything, and who knows, maybe he would.
“Will I always feel this scared?” I ask and my voice sounds so tiny again but at least I can still recognise myself in it and that‘s what matters to me the most because when I sound like someone else it’s horrifying.
“No.” He says firmly and quickly and the smallest of smiles sketches itself on my face.
“Oh.” I say because I’d been hoping for that answer but almost expecting the opposite because my life is just that confusing right now. I don’t even have a home anymore, it hits me then- I’m homeless now. I’m homeless, I don’t have a family and I can’t go to Dalton anymore. There’s a sinking feeling dropping through my stomach and I’m about to drop into thoughts of desperation when Puck continues and distracts me.
I wonder if he knows what he‘s just done.
“At first maybe you’ll still be scared but eventually you’ll realise it’s over.” he offers and there’s a little piece of hope tucked away in that sentence somewhere.
I keep losing track of my hope.
“When?” I enquire and I sound like a child. How could he possibly answer that, there‘s not a solid answer.
“I don’t know.” he says hesitantly, “Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, maybe in a year.” He’s talking like he doesn’t want to offer me an answer because there’s a chance it could turn out to be a lie and I have to admire that. Puck’s adamant he’ll never lie to me and that’s obviously just as important to him as it is to me. I wonder if that’s because he understands this situation and the thoughts that go with it. I wonder if it’s because he understands how hard it is to separate truth from lies.
“A year?” I repeat in a shocked whisper because a year is a very long time to wait to feel good again.
“Blaine, you have Kurt, you have me- it won’t take you that long.” He offers and there’s that piece of hope again, I wonder when Puck was able to find so much optimism for himself that he had enough to share with everyone else.
“Oh.” I say again because I don‘t really know what to say to that.
“You’ll have days where you feel sad for no reason- even though you know it’s because of him- but you just have to find something positive. Without trying to sound too mushy, because my reputation would be obliterated, you have to find love.” He says evenly and I can tell he’s pulling a strange face at how sentimental that sounds.
“What type of love?” I ask quickly; because it’s the first thing that comes into my head.
“Any love. All love is good love, Blaine.” He says and I can hear him smile at his own words. I smile too.
“Did you find love?” I ask before I realise how personal that is and how I’m overstepping a line that we probably should have drawn in the sand, “I’m sorry,” I say, “You don’t have to answer that.”
“No, Blaine, it’s okay.” He says swiftly, even though his voice is a little higher as he continues, “I found a lot of love. I found a great best friend, I found Carole, I found Kurt; I even found Mr. H.”
I nod to myself then because I can understand that. Kurt is so naturally loving, Carole is so naturally motherly and Burt seems like a truly great father- like someone you could talk to about anything. And Finn, he might act dumb sometimes but he’s as sharp as they come when it comes down to it. I’ve listened to all the stories Kurt’s told me. I know what all of them are like and I know that all of them value love.
Puck has so many good people on his side that I can’t help but wonder if I can have them too.
“And you have me too, Puck.” I add, not realising that I’ve said it out loud before it’s too late. I want to drag the words out of the phone, push them back into my mouth and shove them deep down my throat because I am over-stepping now. I must be.
I wait for an awkward silence or a lengthy pause with just enough space for me to berate myself in but I don’t get the chance because as quick as lightning Puck says, “Of course I do. And you’ll always have me.”
My heart starts racing in a good way and apart from Kurt no one else has ever made that happen. So, I know what he’s saying is true.
o~o~o
The increasing darkness that surrounds me does two things- it makes me happy because it’s easier to hide and stay hidden under the shadows and it terrifies me because I feel too isolated and the street lights make the ugly marks on my skin stand out at least three times as much as they did earlier. And it’s so unattractive.
I know that being afraid of the dark is a common phobia but as a child I wasn’t afraid of the dark, not really. I remember being more scared of things like fire because my father’s cigars used to fall out of his hands when he passed out and burn things. I remember being scared of going to the doctor because my appointments always coincided with threats and being shouted at for a long time. I remember being scared of stairs because I fell down them quite a few times even though I wasn‘t a clumsy child. But, anyway, my point is I don’t ever remember being afraid of the dark. So the fact that it scares me so much right now is absolutely unnerving.
“Blaine?” A voice asks unexpectedly from the other side of the dumpsters and I nearly jump out of my skin, “Are you here?”
“Kurt.” I all but whisper and suddenly adrenaline rushes through me and I know that my eyes must be huge.
“Kurt’s there now?” Puck says through my phone and I nod because I’m too afraid to speak all of a sudden. Once Kurt sees me like this all of it becomes overwhelmingly real.
“Blaine, is he there?” Puck asks again, softly, and I snap out of my brief self-enforced silence because I owe Puck real words.
“Y-yeah. He’s here.” I say but I’m still whispering. I can’t help but wonder why I’m so afraid of this situation. What is it that petrifies me?
“Blaine, do you want me to hang up now? I can stay if you want.” Puck offers kindly but he’s already done too much for me and even though I’m suddenly scared again it’s a different kind of scared; because there’s no way Kurt would ever hurt me. I’m almost embarrassed that I even have to clarify that in my head.
“Yeah.” I say definitely, before I feel the need to add, “I’ll be okay. Puck. Thank you.”
“It’s okay.” he says quickly, “Phone me back if you want to but I’m at Kurt’s so I’ll see you soon.” He explains and I’m glad he’s at Kurt’s again tonight because I’d really like to see his face and hug him. It’s that physical contact thing I have- touch is so incredibly comforting to me and I need it so much right now.
Puck and I exchange quiet, endearing goodbyes and then he’s gone and a part of me feels incredibly lost.
“Blaine?” I hear Kurt’s voice again and it’s closer this time. I drag myself to my feet and by the time I’m standing Kurt is in front of me- all wide eyes and concern. My heart plummets as I take him in, he looks so upset.
“Oh my god.” he whispers with shock and his face contorts like he’s just been slapped square in the face. I wince because the thought of that ever happening to him makes me nauseous.
“Kurt-” I start, hoping to somehow explain what’s actually happening, but I don’t know what else to say. My words fail me before they can even form. I’m too busy trying to cover my battered chest with my hands which I know is stupid because there’s far too much to hide but I can’t stop myself. I wonder if it’s shame or a need to survive that’s making me act this way. I feel like I’m not fully in control of myself again.
“I’m so sorry.” Kurt says and he sounds so hollow that I worry about him. I want to ask him why he’s sorry because he hasn’t done anything but I don’t get the chance because he steps towards me and I take an instinctive step backwards.
“Blaine.” he whispers sadly and he’s already got tears shining in his eyes. It hurts me that he cares so much, maybe he cares too much. Kurt’s pinned too much hope on me, I gave him all that courage and I don’t even have enough courage to not step away from the boy who means so much to me.
I feel so useless again.
I watch in silence as Kurt visible struggles with what he can do for the best. I know that this can‘t be easy for him. I feel awful. I’m about to apologise to him when I remember Puck telling me not to because I have nothing to be sorry for. Instead I just watch as he starts pulling on the sleeve of his Dalton blazer.
“Kurt, what-what are you doing?” I ask and I want to chide myself for stuttering.
“I’m giving you my blazer. You’re shivering, Blaine.” He says and it’s only then that I notice the tremor running through me, how long has that been happening?
He steps towards me cautiously but I don’t move away this time. I let him walk straight up to me and drape the blazer over my shoulders. I feel like I finally have my armour back. He pats the material softly over my shoulders and slowly moves his hand to my chest. He looks at me for permission and I can’t deny him anything.
I nod, of course I do.
His fingers are soft and as he rubs his hand down my chest I shudder, a violent unpredictable shudder, like that of a trapped butterfly’s wing. Kurt moves his hands lower then and when he touches my stomach I wince because it still hurts from this mornings attack and I know the bruise must stand out because it’s still that odd shade of violet.
He lingers for a moment and draws his bottom lip between his teeth.
As a tear slips down his face he takes his hands back but not for too long.
He wraps his arms around me softly and we stand there holding each other under the soft glow of the street-light and I feel so loved in that moment that my eyes fill.
“I love you. Never forget that you‘re not alone.” he whispers gently into my ear and I just hold him tighter against my body. I feel like he is accepting me. All of me.
Even the broken bits.
“I love you too.” I reply and he starts to run a comforting hand up and down my back.
“We should get you to the car.” Kurt whispers eventually and the emotion lingers in his voice as he slowly pulls back from me and wipes both of our tears away. I just nod before I offer him my hand and he immediately takes it.
He leads me to his car as my free hand holds his blazer together. I’m so grateful that he seems to understand that I’m too tired to talk properly about this.
It’s not long before we’re at his car and he opens the door for me. I climb inside slowly and he helps me with my seatbelt- which means I can stay properly covered up under the protection of his blazer.
Once my belt has clicked in Kurt leans into the car and plants a soft, unexpected kiss on my temple. A surge of heat rushes through me and as he closes the door and walks to the driver’s side I can feel my cheeks warming. I really do love Kurt. I hope I can be good enough for him one day. I want to be his everything.
When he starts the car Kurt looks to the CD player and then back to me as if he’s asking me if it’s okay to put it on. I understand him perfectly and I nod once. He clicks the stereo on with an extended finger and then he carefully pulls away from the curb.
We head off, in the direction of his house, and I can’t help but feel like I’m going home too- surrounded comfortably by the soft sounds of Rodgers and Hammerstein and the even softer sounds of Kurt exhaling in time with the music. My heart keeps skipping beats. I can’t take my eyes off him. He’s absolutely breathtaking. His pale skin, his bright eyes, the steady rise and fall of his chest.
He sings along so quietly.
I remember this,
And I always will.
There are new lovers now
On the same silent hill,
Looking on the same blue sea.
And I know Tom and I are a part of them all --
And they're all a part of Tom and me.
Hello young lovers, whoever you are,
I hope your troubles are few.
All my good wishes go with you tonight,
I've been in love like you.
Be brave, young lovers, and follow your star,
Be brave and faithful and true,
Cling very close to each other tonight.
I've been in love like you.
o~o~o
As we edge towards Kurt’s house I start to worry. I worry about his dad and I worry about Carole and I worry about Finn. I worry about them all knowing about all of this because I’ve been alone for so long. I’ve had this all by myself for nine years and I’m so scared of letting people in. I’m scared of not being alone anymore because what does that mean? It means that people will care and that makes me want to cry so much. But I want it, I want to have people care, I want it so much because even though it’s not going to be easy people will love me. And that’s what Puck said I need to feel okay within myself and I want to be okay so much. Not just for Kurt anymore but for me too. I want to be okay so badly that it hurts.
Kurt’s been shooting concerned glances at me all the way here- but not too frequently- I haven’t felt the need to remind him to keep an eye on the road. I just worry because it’s dark and accidents are more likely and I can’t lose Kurt, not like my mom. I don’t think I could take that twice, just because I’m older that doesn’t mean I’m less afraid, if anything I’m more afraid. Loss would be much more complicated now I’m older, it’d be much harder to recover too.
When we pull into Kurt’s driveway he turns the car off but he doesn’t move to get out, instead he reaches up and flicks on the interior light before he turns to me. He’s looking at me with absolute sincerity as he reaches out a hand. I reach out too and with our hands entwined I feel like nothing can bring me down. I feel like this is enough for me, enough for me to keep trying, enough for me to rebuild my courage. This is everything and much more.
“I don’t know what to do.” Kurt says softly and I understand what he means instantly, he doesn’t know if he should tell his dad and Carole, he doesn’t know how much to tell them, he doesn’t know how to explain all of this, any of it.
“I don’t want them to see.” I say honestly as I use my free hand to draw the lapels of Kurt’s blazer together, he watches my hands carefully and nods reassuringly.
“That’s okay.” he says and he tries to offer me a smile but it falls tragically short and his brow creases a little. I hate it when he looks so dejected. I feel responsible.
“I’m so sorry.” I say eventually and Kurt, he looks me right in the eyes and he says, “No.”
“It’ll be okay.” he offers then and he leans closer to me, “Slip your arms in the sleeves.” he says and I do.
Kurt reaches over when my hands pop out of the sleeves and starts doing the buttons up for me before he looks at me and says, “Shall we do this?”
I don’t know what to say, I know what my heart is telling me and I know what my brain is telling me and I know that they’re both telling me different things. My heart wants me to do this because I deserve it after everything I’ve been through but my brain wants me to say no because I’m opening myself up too much. I’d be such an easy target.
“Blaine?” Kurt asks again, a warm, steady hand on my arm.
“Let’s go in.” I say softly in confirmation but I can’t quite look up at him, he simply nods once in reply before he steps out of the car and comes around to my side to help me step out too. I don’t need his help but Kurt’s offering and it’ll make the both of us feel better anyway; so I let him do it.
He offers me his hand then and we walk to his door together. He pushes his key into the lock and it only takes a tiny twist for it to click open and reveal the same warm scents that I smelt yesterday.
Emotion stirs in my chest again, I turn back.
Kurt just squeezes my hand and pulls us both over the threshold.
We’re barely in the house when Puck peeks his head out from behind the living room door and moves qickly towards us. When he gets closer I notice that the whites of his eyes are a soft pink and I feel awful. I made him cry.
“Hey.” Puck says quietly as he opens his arms wide enough to pull all three of us together and this is what I needed. I feel so loved in that moment, when their arms are wrapped securely around me, and I know then that I’ll remember this for the rest of my life. This is the moment that all of my scars and all of my troubles were accepted and embraced by two of the greatest people that I will ever meet. I feel like I could belong.
When Puck finally pulls himself back from us he looks directly at Kurt and tells him that his Dad and Carole are in the kitchen and that they’ve been wondering why he’s taken so long in coming home. I feel incredibly bad. Of course, Puck must notice my discomfort because he looks straight at me then and he says, “Don’t worry so much.” He wanders off quietly and leaves Kurt and I to it because realistically it always had to be just the two of us- Kurt and I against the world.
Kurt tugs my hand softly then and we walk slowly toward the kitchen doorway. My heart starts to pound when I see Burt and Carole laughing together.
I instantly feel like an intruder; like I shouldn’t be here.
I step backwards but Kurt won’t let my hand go and that means I can’t run away. Not this time.
“Blaine, it’s okay.” Kurt says softly and even though his voice is so quiet it still manages to catch both Burt and Carole’s attention and before I can comprehend what’s happening they’re both staring at me. I can feel their eyes on me and I start to feel sick because they’ll be able to see the bruises peeking from under Kurt’s blazer. I want the floor to open up and swallow me because this was a bad idea, a very, very bad idea. I suddenly can’t believe I had the gall to come here. Or to phone Puck. They don’t even know me, why would they care?
I look at the floor and start counting the tiny black and white floor tiles. Go away, go away, go away, go away. I wish I could just go away.
“Blaine?” Carole says softly and I want to ignore her, I do, but her voice is so muted and so strained that I feel like my own mom is in the room and that breaks my heart. I can’t do anything but look up at her and as I do I feel the single tear that rolls down my face. I’m so ashamed but I can’t stop it.
I start to fiddle with my lapels instead and when I realise that I’m drawing attention to the one thing I want to hide from them both I force my hand to my side before I drag my eyes back to the tiled floor.
One tile, two tiles, three tiles, four tiles, five tiles, six tiles, seven tiles, eight tiles, nine tiles, ten tiles, eleven tiles…Burt interrupts my robotic counting when he opens his mouth and three concerned, strained words escape him, “Kurt, what happened?”
I squeeze my eyes shut then and I know that there’s absolutely no going back. Everything has changed and in my heart I know that this is the right thing to do because I deserve a chance to be happy and I deserve a chance to smile again and to feel safe and to feel unafraid.
I know, deep down, that I deserve a chance to grow stronger with the boy who clings so tightly to my hand as he says, “Dad, we really need to talk to you.”
o~o~o
Part 11.
Rating (overall): NC-17
Pairings: Pre Blaine/Kurt. Blaine centric. Puck friendship.
Spoilers: Aired episodes.
Warnings: Abuse, Violence, Alcoholism.
Word Count:4,693
Notes: Inspired by this angst meme prompt. This chapter is dedicated to every single person who left me and my Blaine lovely comments on the last part. I hope you like this. Insomnia has been grinding me down lately.
Summary: Blaine’s father is abusive but he refuses to be brought down by it all. He knows that one day he’s going to make something of his life. He can cope as long as he believes in himself.
Previous:
Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8 || Part 9
o~o~o
Every cloud has a silver lining, that proverb has never been as important to me as it is tonight. While I’ve been crouched on the concrete waiting for Kurt I’ve had the time to reflect on how lucky I am to have met Puck. I know that I haven’t known him for long but he’s not just the kid with the mohawk who hangs out with Finn and talks too much. He’s so much more than that, he’s an astonishing, sensitive, considerate person and if I didn’t have him to talk to I don’t know where I’d be right now. Most likely though, I’d still be at my house and a belt would be cutting through my skin. I close my eyes tightly. I’d rather take Puck any day.
In fact, I’d rather be eternally seated behind this dirty dumpster, with the cold breeze forcing shivers from me every few seconds, than step a single foot in that house ever again. That part of my life is over now because what happened tonight was too much. Every day something worse manages to happen to me because of my father and I can’t even imagine what could be worse than what happened tonight. How many other ‘friends’ would my father bring around to our house? How many other unnerving demands would he make of me? There’s absolutely no way of knowing, none. Besides, I like to believe that I have more self respect than that and I know that must sound ridiculous because it sounds ridiculous in my head but even I have a limit. Even I can recognise when something is too out of control for me to handle. I can cope with the hard punches and the sharp slaps and the vicious kicks and the bigoted name-calling because I can stand up against that. I can make myself be strong enough for it all but I can’t do what he was asking tonight- not that.
Panic rises in my chest again so I press my phone into my face and close my eyes; I let the rest of the world fall away. Listening to Puck’s voice genuinely calms me down, like talking to Kurt does, and before I know it I’m not crying anymore. I’m not saying that Puck talks and then suddenly my life is all rainbows and star-dust because I know I’m still caught deep in the eye of a storm. Puck’s been talking to me for about half an hour and even though I’m not crying my face is still damp. Noah Puckerman isn’t a ‘cure-all’ tonic for sadness but he is a very good friend - a friend who seems to know all the right words to say and all of the appropriate pauses to make. Sometimes I just need to pause the chaos; I need time to exist without fear and anxiety- so I can remember what it’s like to feel okay. Kurt and Puck, they let me feel okay and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Puck laughs softly then and the sweet sound of it drags me out of introspective observation and back into my street-light coated reality.
“So, then I told him to go fuck himself. Can you believe that?” Puck asks and I feel guilty that I haven’t been listening to him properly because I know that he’s upset too and that he’s trying so hard to be strong enough for the both of us.
I can hear the strain in his voice sometimes but that’s only because it sounds like my own. I owe Puck so much and I really wish that knew how to thank him better. We still don’t truly know each other and yet he gives me so much of his time without ever making me feel like a burden or a liability. I’m so glad he’s here, I need to tell him that, right now.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I start softly, genuinely, hoping he’ll understand what I‘m trying to say to him, “Even though you’re not here in person, I‘m so thankful.” I add because it’s the absolute truth and I’m finally starting to sound like myself again. A small ounce of relief washes over me. My heart beat slows, my shoulders relax.
“I’m just glad I can help you.” he says delicately and I can tell he wants to add something but he holds himself back. There are words trying to come off the tip of his tongue but he draws them back inside and locks them away.
“Puck, I feel so silly.” I say eventually and it’s true, I feel like an idiot because now I’m a little more in control of myself I realise how weak I‘m being. I’m feeling stupid all over again.
Puck must pick up the feelings behind my words because he just says sincerely, “You’re scared, Blaine, you’re allowed to feel silly.”
That, coming from Puck, makes all the difference to me; it means that maybe being weak sometimes isn’t that bad. Maybe we’re all weak sometimes because who can be brave forever? I’m definitely not brave, Puck has all but confirmed that he hasn’t always been so brave and I know for a fact that Kurt isn’t brave all the time either. So, maybe it’s okay to let bravery slip sometimes but it still feels slightly wrong. I still feel a little disappointing; like I’m a letdown.
“That doesn’t make me feel much better.” I offer seriously and Puck takes one of his carefully calculated pauses.
“I know but it’s true.” He says eventually and I find it really hard to doubt a word he says to me. After everything, why would he lie to me now?
“Puck?” I ask swiftly and I sound as uncertain as I feel but I need to know something because my whole world has just been tipped upside down and rearranged. I need to know something important and I can’t think of anyone better to answer my query than Puck.
“Yeah?” He asks and he genuinely sounds interested, like he would tell me anything, and who knows, maybe he would.
“Will I always feel this scared?” I ask and my voice sounds so tiny again but at least I can still recognise myself in it and that‘s what matters to me the most because when I sound like someone else it’s horrifying.
“No.” He says firmly and quickly and the smallest of smiles sketches itself on my face.
“Oh.” I say because I’d been hoping for that answer but almost expecting the opposite because my life is just that confusing right now. I don’t even have a home anymore, it hits me then- I’m homeless now. I’m homeless, I don’t have a family and I can’t go to Dalton anymore. There’s a sinking feeling dropping through my stomach and I’m about to drop into thoughts of desperation when Puck continues and distracts me.
I wonder if he knows what he‘s just done.
“At first maybe you’ll still be scared but eventually you’ll realise it’s over.” he offers and there’s a little piece of hope tucked away in that sentence somewhere.
I keep losing track of my hope.
“When?” I enquire and I sound like a child. How could he possibly answer that, there‘s not a solid answer.
“I don’t know.” he says hesitantly, “Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, maybe in a year.” He’s talking like he doesn’t want to offer me an answer because there’s a chance it could turn out to be a lie and I have to admire that. Puck’s adamant he’ll never lie to me and that’s obviously just as important to him as it is to me. I wonder if that’s because he understands this situation and the thoughts that go with it. I wonder if it’s because he understands how hard it is to separate truth from lies.
“A year?” I repeat in a shocked whisper because a year is a very long time to wait to feel good again.
“Blaine, you have Kurt, you have me- it won’t take you that long.” He offers and there’s that piece of hope again, I wonder when Puck was able to find so much optimism for himself that he had enough to share with everyone else.
“Oh.” I say again because I don‘t really know what to say to that.
“You’ll have days where you feel sad for no reason- even though you know it’s because of him- but you just have to find something positive. Without trying to sound too mushy, because my reputation would be obliterated, you have to find love.” He says evenly and I can tell he’s pulling a strange face at how sentimental that sounds.
“What type of love?” I ask quickly; because it’s the first thing that comes into my head.
“Any love. All love is good love, Blaine.” He says and I can hear him smile at his own words. I smile too.
“Did you find love?” I ask before I realise how personal that is and how I’m overstepping a line that we probably should have drawn in the sand, “I’m sorry,” I say, “You don’t have to answer that.”
“No, Blaine, it’s okay.” He says swiftly, even though his voice is a little higher as he continues, “I found a lot of love. I found a great best friend, I found Carole, I found Kurt; I even found Mr. H.”
I nod to myself then because I can understand that. Kurt is so naturally loving, Carole is so naturally motherly and Burt seems like a truly great father- like someone you could talk to about anything. And Finn, he might act dumb sometimes but he’s as sharp as they come when it comes down to it. I’ve listened to all the stories Kurt’s told me. I know what all of them are like and I know that all of them value love.
Puck has so many good people on his side that I can’t help but wonder if I can have them too.
“And you have me too, Puck.” I add, not realising that I’ve said it out loud before it’s too late. I want to drag the words out of the phone, push them back into my mouth and shove them deep down my throat because I am over-stepping now. I must be.
I wait for an awkward silence or a lengthy pause with just enough space for me to berate myself in but I don’t get the chance because as quick as lightning Puck says, “Of course I do. And you’ll always have me.”
My heart starts racing in a good way and apart from Kurt no one else has ever made that happen. So, I know what he’s saying is true.
o~o~o
The increasing darkness that surrounds me does two things- it makes me happy because it’s easier to hide and stay hidden under the shadows and it terrifies me because I feel too isolated and the street lights make the ugly marks on my skin stand out at least three times as much as they did earlier. And it’s so unattractive.
I know that being afraid of the dark is a common phobia but as a child I wasn’t afraid of the dark, not really. I remember being more scared of things like fire because my father’s cigars used to fall out of his hands when he passed out and burn things. I remember being scared of going to the doctor because my appointments always coincided with threats and being shouted at for a long time. I remember being scared of stairs because I fell down them quite a few times even though I wasn‘t a clumsy child. But, anyway, my point is I don’t ever remember being afraid of the dark. So the fact that it scares me so much right now is absolutely unnerving.
“Blaine?” A voice asks unexpectedly from the other side of the dumpsters and I nearly jump out of my skin, “Are you here?”
“Kurt.” I all but whisper and suddenly adrenaline rushes through me and I know that my eyes must be huge.
“Kurt’s there now?” Puck says through my phone and I nod because I’m too afraid to speak all of a sudden. Once Kurt sees me like this all of it becomes overwhelmingly real.
“Blaine, is he there?” Puck asks again, softly, and I snap out of my brief self-enforced silence because I owe Puck real words.
“Y-yeah. He’s here.” I say but I’m still whispering. I can’t help but wonder why I’m so afraid of this situation. What is it that petrifies me?
“Blaine, do you want me to hang up now? I can stay if you want.” Puck offers kindly but he’s already done too much for me and even though I’m suddenly scared again it’s a different kind of scared; because there’s no way Kurt would ever hurt me. I’m almost embarrassed that I even have to clarify that in my head.
“Yeah.” I say definitely, before I feel the need to add, “I’ll be okay. Puck. Thank you.”
“It’s okay.” he says quickly, “Phone me back if you want to but I’m at Kurt’s so I’ll see you soon.” He explains and I’m glad he’s at Kurt’s again tonight because I’d really like to see his face and hug him. It’s that physical contact thing I have- touch is so incredibly comforting to me and I need it so much right now.
Puck and I exchange quiet, endearing goodbyes and then he’s gone and a part of me feels incredibly lost.
“Blaine?” I hear Kurt’s voice again and it’s closer this time. I drag myself to my feet and by the time I’m standing Kurt is in front of me- all wide eyes and concern. My heart plummets as I take him in, he looks so upset.
“Oh my god.” he whispers with shock and his face contorts like he’s just been slapped square in the face. I wince because the thought of that ever happening to him makes me nauseous.
“Kurt-” I start, hoping to somehow explain what’s actually happening, but I don’t know what else to say. My words fail me before they can even form. I’m too busy trying to cover my battered chest with my hands which I know is stupid because there’s far too much to hide but I can’t stop myself. I wonder if it’s shame or a need to survive that’s making me act this way. I feel like I’m not fully in control of myself again.
“I’m so sorry.” Kurt says and he sounds so hollow that I worry about him. I want to ask him why he’s sorry because he hasn’t done anything but I don’t get the chance because he steps towards me and I take an instinctive step backwards.
“Blaine.” he whispers sadly and he’s already got tears shining in his eyes. It hurts me that he cares so much, maybe he cares too much. Kurt’s pinned too much hope on me, I gave him all that courage and I don’t even have enough courage to not step away from the boy who means so much to me.
I feel so useless again.
I watch in silence as Kurt visible struggles with what he can do for the best. I know that this can‘t be easy for him. I feel awful. I’m about to apologise to him when I remember Puck telling me not to because I have nothing to be sorry for. Instead I just watch as he starts pulling on the sleeve of his Dalton blazer.
“Kurt, what-what are you doing?” I ask and I want to chide myself for stuttering.
“I’m giving you my blazer. You’re shivering, Blaine.” He says and it’s only then that I notice the tremor running through me, how long has that been happening?
He steps towards me cautiously but I don’t move away this time. I let him walk straight up to me and drape the blazer over my shoulders. I feel like I finally have my armour back. He pats the material softly over my shoulders and slowly moves his hand to my chest. He looks at me for permission and I can’t deny him anything.
I nod, of course I do.
His fingers are soft and as he rubs his hand down my chest I shudder, a violent unpredictable shudder, like that of a trapped butterfly’s wing. Kurt moves his hands lower then and when he touches my stomach I wince because it still hurts from this mornings attack and I know the bruise must stand out because it’s still that odd shade of violet.
He lingers for a moment and draws his bottom lip between his teeth.
As a tear slips down his face he takes his hands back but not for too long.
He wraps his arms around me softly and we stand there holding each other under the soft glow of the street-light and I feel so loved in that moment that my eyes fill.
“I love you. Never forget that you‘re not alone.” he whispers gently into my ear and I just hold him tighter against my body. I feel like he is accepting me. All of me.
Even the broken bits.
“I love you too.” I reply and he starts to run a comforting hand up and down my back.
“We should get you to the car.” Kurt whispers eventually and the emotion lingers in his voice as he slowly pulls back from me and wipes both of our tears away. I just nod before I offer him my hand and he immediately takes it.
He leads me to his car as my free hand holds his blazer together. I’m so grateful that he seems to understand that I’m too tired to talk properly about this.
It’s not long before we’re at his car and he opens the door for me. I climb inside slowly and he helps me with my seatbelt- which means I can stay properly covered up under the protection of his blazer.
Once my belt has clicked in Kurt leans into the car and plants a soft, unexpected kiss on my temple. A surge of heat rushes through me and as he closes the door and walks to the driver’s side I can feel my cheeks warming. I really do love Kurt. I hope I can be good enough for him one day. I want to be his everything.
When he starts the car Kurt looks to the CD player and then back to me as if he’s asking me if it’s okay to put it on. I understand him perfectly and I nod once. He clicks the stereo on with an extended finger and then he carefully pulls away from the curb.
We head off, in the direction of his house, and I can’t help but feel like I’m going home too- surrounded comfortably by the soft sounds of Rodgers and Hammerstein and the even softer sounds of Kurt exhaling in time with the music. My heart keeps skipping beats. I can’t take my eyes off him. He’s absolutely breathtaking. His pale skin, his bright eyes, the steady rise and fall of his chest.
He sings along so quietly.
I remember this,
And I always will.
There are new lovers now
On the same silent hill,
Looking on the same blue sea.
And I know Tom and I are a part of them all --
And they're all a part of Tom and me.
Hello young lovers, whoever you are,
I hope your troubles are few.
All my good wishes go with you tonight,
I've been in love like you.
Be brave, young lovers, and follow your star,
Be brave and faithful and true,
Cling very close to each other tonight.
I've been in love like you.
o~o~o
As we edge towards Kurt’s house I start to worry. I worry about his dad and I worry about Carole and I worry about Finn. I worry about them all knowing about all of this because I’ve been alone for so long. I’ve had this all by myself for nine years and I’m so scared of letting people in. I’m scared of not being alone anymore because what does that mean? It means that people will care and that makes me want to cry so much. But I want it, I want to have people care, I want it so much because even though it’s not going to be easy people will love me. And that’s what Puck said I need to feel okay within myself and I want to be okay so much. Not just for Kurt anymore but for me too. I want to be okay so badly that it hurts.
Kurt’s been shooting concerned glances at me all the way here- but not too frequently- I haven’t felt the need to remind him to keep an eye on the road. I just worry because it’s dark and accidents are more likely and I can’t lose Kurt, not like my mom. I don’t think I could take that twice, just because I’m older that doesn’t mean I’m less afraid, if anything I’m more afraid. Loss would be much more complicated now I’m older, it’d be much harder to recover too.
When we pull into Kurt’s driveway he turns the car off but he doesn’t move to get out, instead he reaches up and flicks on the interior light before he turns to me. He’s looking at me with absolute sincerity as he reaches out a hand. I reach out too and with our hands entwined I feel like nothing can bring me down. I feel like this is enough for me, enough for me to keep trying, enough for me to rebuild my courage. This is everything and much more.
“I don’t know what to do.” Kurt says softly and I understand what he means instantly, he doesn’t know if he should tell his dad and Carole, he doesn’t know how much to tell them, he doesn’t know how to explain all of this, any of it.
“I don’t want them to see.” I say honestly as I use my free hand to draw the lapels of Kurt’s blazer together, he watches my hands carefully and nods reassuringly.
“That’s okay.” he says and he tries to offer me a smile but it falls tragically short and his brow creases a little. I hate it when he looks so dejected. I feel responsible.
“I’m so sorry.” I say eventually and Kurt, he looks me right in the eyes and he says, “No.”
“It’ll be okay.” he offers then and he leans closer to me, “Slip your arms in the sleeves.” he says and I do.
Kurt reaches over when my hands pop out of the sleeves and starts doing the buttons up for me before he looks at me and says, “Shall we do this?”
I don’t know what to say, I know what my heart is telling me and I know what my brain is telling me and I know that they’re both telling me different things. My heart wants me to do this because I deserve it after everything I’ve been through but my brain wants me to say no because I’m opening myself up too much. I’d be such an easy target.
“Blaine?” Kurt asks again, a warm, steady hand on my arm.
“Let’s go in.” I say softly in confirmation but I can’t quite look up at him, he simply nods once in reply before he steps out of the car and comes around to my side to help me step out too. I don’t need his help but Kurt’s offering and it’ll make the both of us feel better anyway; so I let him do it.
He offers me his hand then and we walk to his door together. He pushes his key into the lock and it only takes a tiny twist for it to click open and reveal the same warm scents that I smelt yesterday.
Emotion stirs in my chest again, I turn back.
Kurt just squeezes my hand and pulls us both over the threshold.
We’re barely in the house when Puck peeks his head out from behind the living room door and moves qickly towards us. When he gets closer I notice that the whites of his eyes are a soft pink and I feel awful. I made him cry.
“Hey.” Puck says quietly as he opens his arms wide enough to pull all three of us together and this is what I needed. I feel so loved in that moment, when their arms are wrapped securely around me, and I know then that I’ll remember this for the rest of my life. This is the moment that all of my scars and all of my troubles were accepted and embraced by two of the greatest people that I will ever meet. I feel like I could belong.
When Puck finally pulls himself back from us he looks directly at Kurt and tells him that his Dad and Carole are in the kitchen and that they’ve been wondering why he’s taken so long in coming home. I feel incredibly bad. Of course, Puck must notice my discomfort because he looks straight at me then and he says, “Don’t worry so much.” He wanders off quietly and leaves Kurt and I to it because realistically it always had to be just the two of us- Kurt and I against the world.
Kurt tugs my hand softly then and we walk slowly toward the kitchen doorway. My heart starts to pound when I see Burt and Carole laughing together.
I instantly feel like an intruder; like I shouldn’t be here.
I step backwards but Kurt won’t let my hand go and that means I can’t run away. Not this time.
“Blaine, it’s okay.” Kurt says softly and even though his voice is so quiet it still manages to catch both Burt and Carole’s attention and before I can comprehend what’s happening they’re both staring at me. I can feel their eyes on me and I start to feel sick because they’ll be able to see the bruises peeking from under Kurt’s blazer. I want the floor to open up and swallow me because this was a bad idea, a very, very bad idea. I suddenly can’t believe I had the gall to come here. Or to phone Puck. They don’t even know me, why would they care?
I look at the floor and start counting the tiny black and white floor tiles. Go away, go away, go away, go away. I wish I could just go away.
“Blaine?” Carole says softly and I want to ignore her, I do, but her voice is so muted and so strained that I feel like my own mom is in the room and that breaks my heart. I can’t do anything but look up at her and as I do I feel the single tear that rolls down my face. I’m so ashamed but I can’t stop it.
I start to fiddle with my lapels instead and when I realise that I’m drawing attention to the one thing I want to hide from them both I force my hand to my side before I drag my eyes back to the tiled floor.
One tile, two tiles, three tiles, four tiles, five tiles, six tiles, seven tiles, eight tiles, nine tiles, ten tiles, eleven tiles…Burt interrupts my robotic counting when he opens his mouth and three concerned, strained words escape him, “Kurt, what happened?”
I squeeze my eyes shut then and I know that there’s absolutely no going back. Everything has changed and in my heart I know that this is the right thing to do because I deserve a chance to be happy and I deserve a chance to smile again and to feel safe and to feel unafraid.
I know, deep down, that I deserve a chance to grow stronger with the boy who clings so tightly to my hand as he says, “Dad, we really need to talk to you.”
o~o~o
Part 11.