Something Decided
For a prompt on Your Scribbles
A continuation of J.R.'s story....I am really enjoying writing her. She is fast becoming one of my favorite characters to write because she is simple yet so complicated. There are so many things that she still needs to figure out in life, she's so raw and real. I love the addition of Tommy to the story. He adds alot to J.R. as a viable character, giving me so much to explore with her. I hope you enjoy. As always, I'll take concrit or compliments or just complaining. :) Comments are my life force.
Love, love and more love.
Bella. ♥
I grip tighter onto the steering wheel and using my peripheral vision, I check the passenger seat for the hundredth time.
"Still here," he says with a chuckle.
"You're not real," I respond dryly and purposely shift my eyes forward, towards the road.
"Right. I keep forgetting, figment of your imagination...." he says, "And just how do you explain me being here, in the car with you....with my seat belt on."
I can feel the smile in his voice and it makes my insides go kind of gooey in that familiar way of being near him. I reach my hand out turn the radio off and cock my head towards the passengers seat, "Obviously I am having some sort of delusional episode right now. I'm very obviously not well, Tommy. Hey! Hey! Wipe that smug grin off your face, please. Obviously something is wrong in my brain and it's like, short circuiting right now...and you can not be here."
"Why not?" he counters.
"You're serious right now? You're seriously asking why you can't be here?" I'm on the verge of hysterical tears and I know if I start crying again that it will make it harder to drive. I concentrate on just watching the dotted white lines pass my field of vision and try not to look over at him. I don't want to see his smile, the one that makes my heart beat rapidly against my chest. I don't want to see his beautiful jade green eyes. I don't want to see perfect coal black hair that lays in the most stunning waves I've ever seen on any man. I really I don't want to see him sitting there.
His deep voice pulls me from my musings, "Yes, J.R. I am seriously asking why I can't be here right now."
"God, my head hurts." I huff.
"It's because I'm dead, right? But I know I'm dead....it doesn't change the fact that I am, indeed, sitting here right now with you. Maybe we can figure this out, ok?" he says softly.
I decide right then and there that the only way to deal with this is to ignore him, pretend he's not there and he will go away. He can't possibly be here. No way. I'm just going to ignore that it feels really real to talk to him, that I want to hold him and not let him go. This is just....
"Pay attention to the road, J.R. We don't both need to be dead, thank you very much."
I snap my attention back to the road, "Maybe I would drive better if I wasn't dealing with obvious delusions...so if my delusional boyfriend can keep his delusional mouth quiet for a minute and let me think, that would be awesome."
I drive for awhile with silence sitting heavy in the car. I know he's still there but I fight the urge to turn and check. I approach a familiar fork in the road when he speaks again.
"Which way?" he says.
Just like that, it suddenly feels like a test. It feels like I should know which way to go. It feels like I am falling down fast with nothing to catch me. The feeling is completely overwhelming. I guide the car to the shoulder of the road and bring it to a complete stop before unfastening my seat belt and climbing out. I hear the passenger door open and feel Tommy next to me. I feel him slip his warm hand in mine and we start to walk out to the center of the deserted road. He positions us so we are standing at the mouth of the fork in the road and I glance down one lane of road and then the other. The falling feeling is still very present in my stomach and I am sure I'm going to be sick.
I glance up at him. He's the quintessential picture of calmness, just like he always is....or was, whatever. He waits patiently for me to speak.
"So, what now?" I whisper.
"You need to decide which way to go."
"This is completely silly."
"Probably, but you still have to decide."
I take in a deep inhale and hold it. My fingers feel tingly, my feet feel numb. I'm not rational right now. I should call someone, only...the person I would call in a situation like this? Well, he's standing right next to me. I feel lost, like a fish out of water somehow. It's like my world is flipped on it's head and I have to somehow right it. Right or left? Left or right? It's a 50/50 shot but somehow I don't think it's the actual road that makes a bit of difference.
"It's not about the road, is it?" I state calmly.
"Nope." He pops the "P" softly between his lips and squeezes my hand a touch tighter.
"So, if the road doesn't matter, why bring me here?" I question.
"You were driving, J.R." he reminds me.
"Semantics, Tommy. So, the road is symbolic then, the proverbial fork in the road. Nice." I sigh deep, loud and long.
He nods, "Yes." He runs his thumbs across my cheeks and then angles my chin up towards him. "Tell me what you remember."
I instinctively know what he is asking, "You were leaving work. You were coming to my house to pick me up. A car crossed the center lane and hit you head on. Your mom called me and told me what happened. I was at the hospital.....when....they brought you in." I hear my voice cracking but it feels far away and funny sounding. I guess this is what losing your mind feels like because this can not be happening.
"Do you remember what you whispered in my ear?" he says quietly, slowly.
I nod numbly and feel warm rivers of tears run down my face and drop off my chin. "I told you I couldn't live without you. I whispered that if you left me....I would die."
The truth in my words shocks me to the core and the gravity of what it all meant hits me hard like a punch to the gut. I drop my head and sob against his chest. He rubs my back gently, calmly. We don't speak but I suddenly understand what he has been trying to tell me.
"You stayed for me, didn't you?" I gasp.
"You were going to hurt yourself and I couldn't leave you to make that decision. It didn't feel right."
"So you want me to decide if I'm going to kill myself? That's what this is, some sort of other worldly intervention?" I snort.
He chuckles softly, "I guess you could look at it like that, you wanted to."
"Are you going to leave if I say I won't hurt myself?" I ponder, afraid of his answer.
"It doesn't work that way, J.R. I didn't go when I was supposed to. I don't know if I am ever going to be able to go."
"What!? That isn't fair, Tommy. There has to be a way."
He laughs his familiar and guttural laugh, "Make up your mind, woman. First you tell me I'm not real and now you don't want me to go. You're giving me a headache, here."
I stare up at him, "I won't hurt myself."
"Good. Now I need you to trust me, we'll figure this out...together."
I take his hands in mine and smile. For a second, I forget that he may or may not be real. I forget that I lost him only a few short days ago. I let myself feel happy in the knowledge that we would find a way out of this together.
"I love you." I whisper.
"I love you forever, J.R."
A continuation of J.R.'s story....I am really enjoying writing her. She is fast becoming one of my favorite characters to write because she is simple yet so complicated. There are so many things that she still needs to figure out in life, she's so raw and real. I love the addition of Tommy to the story. He adds alot to J.R. as a viable character, giving me so much to explore with her. I hope you enjoy. As always, I'll take concrit or compliments or just complaining. :) Comments are my life force.
Love, love and more love.
Bella. ♥
I grip tighter onto the steering wheel and using my peripheral vision, I check the passenger seat for the hundredth time.
"Still here," he says with a chuckle.
"You're not real," I respond dryly and purposely shift my eyes forward, towards the road.
"Right. I keep forgetting, figment of your imagination...." he says, "And just how do you explain me being here, in the car with you....with my seat belt on."
I can feel the smile in his voice and it makes my insides go kind of gooey in that familiar way of being near him. I reach my hand out turn the radio off and cock my head towards the passengers seat, "Obviously I am having some sort of delusional episode right now. I'm very obviously not well, Tommy. Hey! Hey! Wipe that smug grin off your face, please. Obviously something is wrong in my brain and it's like, short circuiting right now...and you can not be here."
"Why not?" he counters.
"You're serious right now? You're seriously asking why you can't be here?" I'm on the verge of hysterical tears and I know if I start crying again that it will make it harder to drive. I concentrate on just watching the dotted white lines pass my field of vision and try not to look over at him. I don't want to see his smile, the one that makes my heart beat rapidly against my chest. I don't want to see his beautiful jade green eyes. I don't want to see perfect coal black hair that lays in the most stunning waves I've ever seen on any man. I really I don't want to see him sitting there.
His deep voice pulls me from my musings, "Yes, J.R. I am seriously asking why I can't be here right now."
"God, my head hurts." I huff.
"It's because I'm dead, right? But I know I'm dead....it doesn't change the fact that I am, indeed, sitting here right now with you. Maybe we can figure this out, ok?" he says softly.
I decide right then and there that the only way to deal with this is to ignore him, pretend he's not there and he will go away. He can't possibly be here. No way. I'm just going to ignore that it feels really real to talk to him, that I want to hold him and not let him go. This is just....
"Pay attention to the road, J.R. We don't both need to be dead, thank you very much."
I snap my attention back to the road, "Maybe I would drive better if I wasn't dealing with obvious delusions...so if my delusional boyfriend can keep his delusional mouth quiet for a minute and let me think, that would be awesome."
I drive for awhile with silence sitting heavy in the car. I know he's still there but I fight the urge to turn and check. I approach a familiar fork in the road when he speaks again.
"Which way?" he says.
Just like that, it suddenly feels like a test. It feels like I should know which way to go. It feels like I am falling down fast with nothing to catch me. The feeling is completely overwhelming. I guide the car to the shoulder of the road and bring it to a complete stop before unfastening my seat belt and climbing out. I hear the passenger door open and feel Tommy next to me. I feel him slip his warm hand in mine and we start to walk out to the center of the deserted road. He positions us so we are standing at the mouth of the fork in the road and I glance down one lane of road and then the other. The falling feeling is still very present in my stomach and I am sure I'm going to be sick.
I glance up at him. He's the quintessential picture of calmness, just like he always is....or was, whatever. He waits patiently for me to speak.
"So, what now?" I whisper.
"You need to decide which way to go."
"This is completely silly."
"Probably, but you still have to decide."
I take in a deep inhale and hold it. My fingers feel tingly, my feet feel numb. I'm not rational right now. I should call someone, only...the person I would call in a situation like this? Well, he's standing right next to me. I feel lost, like a fish out of water somehow. It's like my world is flipped on it's head and I have to somehow right it. Right or left? Left or right? It's a 50/50 shot but somehow I don't think it's the actual road that makes a bit of difference.
"It's not about the road, is it?" I state calmly.
"Nope." He pops the "P" softly between his lips and squeezes my hand a touch tighter.
"So, if the road doesn't matter, why bring me here?" I question.
"You were driving, J.R." he reminds me.
"Semantics, Tommy. So, the road is symbolic then, the proverbial fork in the road. Nice." I sigh deep, loud and long.
He nods, "Yes." He runs his thumbs across my cheeks and then angles my chin up towards him. "Tell me what you remember."
I instinctively know what he is asking, "You were leaving work. You were coming to my house to pick me up. A car crossed the center lane and hit you head on. Your mom called me and told me what happened. I was at the hospital.....when....they brought you in." I hear my voice cracking but it feels far away and funny sounding. I guess this is what losing your mind feels like because this can not be happening.
"Do you remember what you whispered in my ear?" he says quietly, slowly.
I nod numbly and feel warm rivers of tears run down my face and drop off my chin. "I told you I couldn't live without you. I whispered that if you left me....I would die."
The truth in my words shocks me to the core and the gravity of what it all meant hits me hard like a punch to the gut. I drop my head and sob against his chest. He rubs my back gently, calmly. We don't speak but I suddenly understand what he has been trying to tell me.
"You stayed for me, didn't you?" I gasp.
"You were going to hurt yourself and I couldn't leave you to make that decision. It didn't feel right."
"So you want me to decide if I'm going to kill myself? That's what this is, some sort of other worldly intervention?" I snort.
He chuckles softly, "I guess you could look at it like that, you wanted to."
"Are you going to leave if I say I won't hurt myself?" I ponder, afraid of his answer.
"It doesn't work that way, J.R. I didn't go when I was supposed to. I don't know if I am ever going to be able to go."
"What!? That isn't fair, Tommy. There has to be a way."
He laughs his familiar and guttural laugh, "Make up your mind, woman. First you tell me I'm not real and now you don't want me to go. You're giving me a headache, here."
I stare up at him, "I won't hurt myself."
"Good. Now I need you to trust me, we'll figure this out...together."
I take his hands in mine and smile. For a second, I forget that he may or may not be real. I forget that I lost him only a few short days ago. I let myself feel happy in the knowledge that we would find a way out of this together.
"I love you." I whisper.
"I love you forever, J.R."