my effusive verbal affectionateness feels lost to me

[belenen]

icon: "kissy (a photo of me outside in soft light, blowing a kiss)"
I was looking through old emails from 2007 the other day (trying to find contact info) and came across gtalk conversations with someone I was close friends with back then. Here's a bit from March 2007:

Comments

[hana_broom]

I can relate a lot to what you've written - I am very guarded in terms of my IRL friends - I struggle to let anybody close to me (whether that's dating or relationships or friends) - and I know that friendships can sting so much more than relationships when they're central in your life... I think it's totally okay to look after yourself and put yourself first... there are people I was close to once, years ago - one in particular I was close to, but now I find myself wary of what her motives are - I don't want to be friends or together or anything...

I dunno.... it's hard stuff to process, that's for sure! *hugs* xxx

*loves you from afar*

[callmebee]

I can't say that I relate to this exactly, but I do understand feeling like parts of you that used to be so available are now closed off, and unavailable

[webgirluk]

I loved reading your gtalk chat and I often crave these types of friendships, where people are really close, yet in a non sexual way. I love the idea of a trusted, interconnected web of friends, too but both these things as you touch on, are hard to find and often don't end up working out how we expect them to. It's sad that you find it hard to unlock the part of you once there with having friendships like this but then again, despite how people may do things to hurt us or question them, I often think the deeper the friendship, the more likely issues can occur as people are so vastly different to one another and it's easy to mis understand and be mis understood, esp through typing.

[call_me_katya]

I want to write a considered post to this, and I will, but first I want to say thank you so much for the card and the My Little Pony sticker tattoos! And I hope it's not inappropriate to write this on a post where you're questioning your own reactions and trust in people. I absolutely love that you said I had unique self-expression because for ages I thought I didn't and I was just stating the obvious all the time but I'm beginning to realise that there is something unique in me. Or I knew it before, but I forgot it. I always have hope that things like effusiveness come back, when met with the right... earth to grow them.

And your friendship means a great deal to me too. *heart*

[chillychilly22]

Truly must have been wonderful. I had a high level of effusiveness but not nearly as high and big as yours. And even then I was just IN LOVE with life and the people that came in to it.

I chalked up my dramatic dwindling of effusiveness due to not being a naive 20 something anymore. But the thing is I feel like people don't believe I'm being genuine or think I'm being too nice or just weird at basic levels of complimenting. It's like I'm surrounded by wounded animals, but I don't realize until after they snap towards any warm gesture.

It hurts. ......aaaahhhh that's what I used to say to myself: It hurts when I'm not being my true self. (This goes back to the second comment I left on one of your entries.)

❤️❤️❤️

PS: The snap of the orange slice in your mouth has been making me giggle randomly throughout the day