connecting w E (who is open, self-aware, present) - talking on facebook, in-person conversation
icon: "heart in my throat (Angelina Jolie as Joan in Playing by Heart, head tilted down and eyes looking up with a nervous expression, arms pulled behind their back)"
I met a new person at the cuddle communion I hosted last month, and about two weeks ago I messaged them saying that I liked their posts on fb and I liked their presence at the cuddle gather, and asked if they'd like to meet up. They said yes and expressed appreciation for the cuddle gather and the offer to meet up, and shared stuff about themselves in response, which made me feel welcome to know them. We made a plan, interspersed with sharing random but quite meaningful things. Every question I asked was given a thoughtful, self-aware answer. I talked with Topaz about our conversation and they said that E seems like someone they could enjoy getting to know (high praise!). The first plan got pushed back, and finally we met up yesterday.
It was really great! Though I got inexplicably super nervous as I was parking, I felt better once we sat and started talking at the coffee shop. Conversation flowed so easily and they asked questions to deepen their understanding of things I shared, and oh, it was so full of topics. I shared a lot more about my history than usual, which I'm just now realizing is because people don't usually ask. Also I realized through noticing my behavior in this conversation that I tend to tell one layer of a story and then stop - then, if the person expresses interest (sometimes with face sometimes with words), I'll tell the next layer, but usually they're ready to move on (or perhaps they don't realize there are more layers). I really like being asked new questions, or questions about which I haven't thought much. They asked if I had ever been in a monogamous relationship, which made me laugh. I volunteered some shares as well, because I got no signs of disinterest from them. So I told them about how I didn't consider my marriage a mistake because of how it gave me what I needed to work through childhood sexual abuse. Then we talked about how coping with trauma can form a kind of relationship that is very difficult to break free from even if it is not good for you. And I talked about how I am bad about losing myself when someone I love needs care and how I can't live with a lover (at least not one-on-one) for that reason. They shared with me too and were quite open to my questions. I felt totally in-tune with them by the end of the conversation, to the point where I felt their words before I heard them.
They had to leave after 3 hours to go give their partner a ride, and I really didn't want them to go! I felt like we had just started talking. But I didn't say that of course, because it would have been pressure-y and greedy and probably irrational. I told them that I really like talking to them (and realized how much more vulnerable present tense is than past!) and they said they did too and we should do it again. I asked if they wanted to plan now or later and they said later (and gave reasons) but that they didn't want me to think that there was a "gradient of interest" because they do genuinely want to meet again. They said they're starting to get over their worry that I won't like them and I emphatically told them they didn't need to worry, I definitely like them. They said something about me being smart and something else I don't remember. I don't like it when people call me smart because it usually means they feel intimidated and I don't like to intimidate people (unless they're being disrespectful). But they seemed to be mentioning it in a context of deconstructing the intimidation, at least that was the feeling I got. The end of our conversation was a little awkward and a lot cute. They seemed a little embarrassed and bit their lip.
Also! During the meaningful conversation on facebook (which is rare and weird for me) I recommended them the Elysium Cycle and when we met up they mentioned that they had started reading it!!!!!!! I mean, I'm pretty sure it was less than a week ago that I recommended it, so I feel super flattered and happy that they already got it and started it.
Today I asked how they were feeling after I noticed what may have been a change in their emotion when they were writing, and they confirmed the shift. I don't usually notice shifts in emotion via text only. Seems significant. I feel like they might be a violet spirit. I keep wanting to ask them a million questions, and it is hard to wait until they have a chance to answer the one I just asked. I haven't been this excited about connecting with a new person in years. It's so rare to feel that 'click' and I am worried I'm imagining it. I'm feeling a little too eager and a little too exposed to post this publicly yet!