rant: friendships are important / my levels of relationship for everyone

[belenen]

icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"No one expects that a romance will last if neither person ever bothers to set up a date. Yet somehow friendship is supposed to?? So many people are content with friendships which they would absolutely dump if it was a romance. I

Comments

[belenen]

Yes, it's absolutely possible to maintain lifesharer status with someone long-distance. It wasn't long-distance issues with Hannah that made the relationship change. I was referring to the difficulty in getting to that intimacy level again. But really it's probably more depression than distance.

Ideally a long-distance lifesharer and I would visit 4 times a year, but I could be content with one long visit. It's not necessary though.

[toll_booth]

I have several concentric circles of trust in my life. Several are on the outer ring, a few are in the middle ring, and a grand total of three people in my life currently inhabit the inner ring, with whom there is nothing I feel uncomfortable sharing, given the right time and place.

It seems like you have a similar model, but far more robustly defined than mine.

[kiwi]

I'm the same way. And your last sentence was EXACTLY what I thought when I read this entry! :D

[belenen]

*nods* I used to visualize it that way, actually!

[wanderipity]

"I think most people like to structure their relationships in binaries: family or not-family, romance or not-romance, my-everything or acquaintance. And then they put walls between these things and assign specific passwords to the doors"

This is so me..

[belenen]

it's hard to do otherwise! a lot of people are more comfortable with those binary definitions so you not only have to be comfortable outside them yourself, but you have to know others who are also comfortable outside them, or you can't leave those relationship shapes.

[belenen]

*nods* I think a lot of times people think it happens naturally when really, it's the other person doing all the work. I had a friend shedding when I realized I just wasn't willing to have shallow relationships OR do all the work to maintain deep ones.

[meri_sielu]

I would say that my circles of friendship and trust run very similarly to yours in that I have levels and people that fall into those circles. The things that they do and say to allow me to bond in that way are similar too and a lot of it has to do with how they make me feel socially. If I am put in a position where I am uncomfortable or feel socially pressured to meet needs all the time or if they have done something to hurt me or even hurt some of the others in what I consider my 'pack' (like your core tribe) then that affects their standing with me too.

This was a very insightful read for me. :)

[belenen]

*nods* the social pressure to meet needs is definitely a thing that can keep people from ever getting close to me -- I will not meet needs without those needs being discussed and agreed on. Expectations are not cool if they're not negotiated!

Glad you got something from reading it <3!