why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing

[belenen]

icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it

Comments

[eristic_writer]

"in-depth discussions of feelings. I don't get much out of sex despite the above unless we talk out the experience afterward. This has been a difficulty for me because frankly most people are really bad at talking about sex and not great at talking about their feelings either, but I've had the occasional lover who was naturally good at it and others deliberately built their skills

[belenen]

I think it might actually work the opposite for me, because I would fear that we wouldn't be in sync, and so if my demisexual partner wanted sex I would feel a pressure to say yes because I might not get a chance later. I would resist that pressure of course, but I can't imagine not feeling it. Maybe we'd just naturally sync up? I dunno. The most relaxed in sex I have felt was with Kylei, because they wanted sex all the time but they were always okay with a no, so I never felt the need to rev myself up and I never felt bad for saying no. When I'm with a partner who wants sex more rarely, I have a hard time saying no in that I will say no but then feel regret after, like I messed up my rare chance. (I've never been with a demisexual person but I have been with people whose desire changes based on how much energy their daily life is taking from them)

I'm just super curious as to what kissing without any sexual energy in it would feel like!

[adarutoshoppu]

that's right. on so many levels!

[belenen]

Well, I couldn't be wrong, since it's just about my own preferences! ;-) what do you mean? what parts resonated with you?

[meri_sielu]

There is so much truth to this... It's really enlightening. :)

[belenen]

thanks! what parts made you feel "ah-hah!"?

[meri_sielu]

Definitely the parts in which you describe how you touch and how the intent is not always sexual at all but more out of a desire to be close and intimate and to share with the person you care deeply about. I am like that with a select few of my friends that I wouldn't ever even dream of sleeping with in a sexual manner at all. When I snuggle and touch with them in this way it feels like there is an electric aura of the bond between us around us, and it almost feels like I could physically touch a manifestation of it. It just feels lovely to be close to someone in that manner