the intersection of openness, intimacy, and privacy as it relates to me

[belenen]

icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"So a friend of mine told me something that had an intense emotional impact on me (and was then unavailable for conversation), and I talked with another friend about it to try to process it. Several days later, the first friend told me that they wanted it

Comments

[queerbychoice]

"So, secretive people do not work for me as close friends. I can be casual friends with secretive people and even love them, but I cannot be close to them."

Yes, this is true of me also.

For me, anything about me is fine to share as long as it's not shared with the entire world. In other words: friends-locked LiveJournal posts are fine, but unlocked LiveJournal posts are not. I've had people write friends-locked LiveJournal posts about me that made me uncomfortable, but I never asked anyone to stop making such posts, because I felt that those people were within their rights to make me uncomfortable because they were trying to process their own feelings of heartbreak and doing what they needed to do to recover. But I don't believe anybody needs to write anything about me where the whole entire world can see it.

[meri_sielu]

Very clear and concise. I find myself very much the same as you, I wouldn't just automatically assume that I couldn't share something (unless in exceptional circumstances like abuse as you say) with my other close friends if I was concerned, triggered or worried about an issue. I definitely need to be told things are confidential, else how do you know?

I also massively hate having secrets kept from me, for whatever reason or intention. It seriously damages my trust in people because I am so open when I do finally open up.

[pandaren]

I dig the hell out of this post, I just thought I would let you know. I'm the same way, I need specifics and I need to know what people want and don't want. Communication is so important.

I'm very private with certain things in my life. I have a blog that I keep very password protected at some points, especially when I'm talking about my personal life. I let people know it's private, it's password protected when I want it to be and there's a password for anyone I feel is trustworthy enough. I can't stand to let people sit there and wonder what they can and can't share of mine, what they can and can't see in my life, etc.

[zimtkeks]

I can totally relate to your concept of your close friends being a part of your own life and the need to talk about things that are exciting/upsetting/... in their lives

[belenen]

IP is assumed confidential to those not in IP because the whole point is to share things that are vulnerable to share.

[belenen]

and like I said, " Inanycase whetheryoutell meit's private or
not, I am not goingtotellan abuser, authority figure, or dangerous
person something that makes youvulnerable tothem.That would
not be me sharingmy feelings withsomeone I love and trust, that
wouldbe me exposingyoutodanger for noreason. Of course I
wouldnot dothat!! but if youhave nevertoldme that a personis
dangerous toyou, andI love andtrust them, thenI mayunknowingly
dothat.This is why I must be toldwho not totalk toabout
something you want kept secret. In therare case where Iwant to
share somethingthat involves you, I am willingtosuffer a loss by
not sharingif it will keepyoufrom feeling hurt.

[belenen]

what i mean by "not understanding social assumptions" is that i do not understand what other people might consider shameful, embarrassing, vulnerable, or private. I am like a child in that way. There is very little that sparks an automatic "this must be hidden" reflex. I know of taboos and would keep those as shared only with people I trust not to value the taboo, but it wouldn't occur to me to keep it private.