How do you feel when you think you might need to 'dirty yourself up a bit' to be on other people's levels? I would find that a horrible feeling, personally, but was wondering how you felt about it.
I'm glad Aurilion got in touch and had used the time between you both to actually think about the issues between you.
it feels CRAPPY, like I can't be good enough in the right ways, or like I'm shut out. But I've just realized that part of the problem is that in addition to actually being pretty stable, I pretend to be more stable than I am, without even realizing it. It's still hard for me to share when I am insecure or uncertain or hurting. I think this is good motivation for working more on that though.
I pretend to be more stable than I am, without even realizing it.
That makes a lot of sense, and I imagine there are a lot of reasons for doing this as well. I mean it may be - as you say - because it's hard for you to share when you are feeilng scared or hurt. But also, it could be because you have learnt that other people are more likely to be calm and responsive, when you are projecting stability and calm to them? Maybe it's about learning when to switch that off? Because I'd say being more calm then you are, gives you an idea of what it might be like to live that way one day.
It sounds like an awesome character trait that just needs to be turned off sometimes, and that can be really hard. I think I sometimes project calmness and supportiveness to others, when I am feeling anything but, or worse, looking for support. It's frustrating, because I know where I want to be internally, but sometimes I'm reminded I'm just not there yet.
But where we are is awesome, and just where we need to be in this moment. *hugs*
Good to hear the two of you are talking again. I hope it continues to go well.
Also, I'd also be curious to hear what you used to be like. Such a huge transformation (and I confess I'm a bit guilty of thinking you're nearing a state of awesome that I can only dream of) would be interesting to reflect on. Although it's possible you've already written about it and I just missed it. In any case, I would say that it isn't up to you to "dirty yourself up" as you put it: it's up to other people to not put you on a pedestal and realize that you are human as well. Even if you come off as someone with infinite patience and love that I admire. Then again, I'd rather admire humans than perfect creations (a play on Donna Haraway's "I would rather be a cyborg than a goddess").
I am sincerely happy that you are happy. I admit, I'm wary because I hope she doesn't hurt you again, but you are happy and that's what matters most. :)
I can't imagine not feeling drawn to you solely based on the fact that you're positive and warm and "seem" to be doing well in life. You're fucking awesome.
Diversity is the spice of life. You and I are similar, yet different. It's how we learn and grow - I embrace it fully. :) Plus who else would've shown me Full Radius? Or the drum circle? We both enjoyed those activities, but I would have been completely ignorant had you not mentioned it. I can't wait for more discoveries. <3
Also, you're not struggling now because you have made it that way for yourself. Circumstances happen unexpectedly, but how we handle them affects how we view our lives. Whether you have obstacles in your path currently or not, you're choosing to handle them in a positive manner. That is why you have no struggles and may come off as "perfect". Well, you are perfect the way you are, but you know what I mean.
Oh what the hell. Like xenopsi says: You're fucking awesome. There. XD I am too long-winded for my own good!
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I'm glad Aurilion got in touch and had used the time between you both to actually think about the issues between you.
*hugs*
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♥ me too!
*hugs*
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That makes a lot of sense, and I imagine there are a lot of reasons for doing this as well. I mean it may be - as you say - because it's hard for you to share when you are feeilng scared or hurt. But also, it could be because you have learnt that other people are more likely to be calm and responsive, when you are projecting stability and calm to them? Maybe it's about learning when to switch that off? Because I'd say being more calm then you are, gives you an idea of what it might be like to live that way one day.
It sounds like an awesome character trait that just needs to be turned off sometimes, and that can be really hard. I think I sometimes project calmness and supportiveness to others, when I am feeling anything but, or worse, looking for support. It's frustrating, because I know where I want to be internally, but sometimes I'm reminded I'm just not there yet.
But where we are is awesome, and just where we need to be in this moment. *hugs*
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Also, I'd also be curious to hear what you used to be like. Such a huge transformation (and I confess I'm a bit guilty of thinking you're nearing a state of awesome that I can only dream of) would be interesting to reflect on. Although it's possible you've already written about it and I just missed it. In any case, I would say that it isn't up to you to "dirty yourself up" as you put it: it's up to other people to not put you on a pedestal and realize that you are human as well. Even if you come off as someone with infinite patience and love that I admire. Then again, I'd rather admire humans than perfect creations (a play on Donna Haraway's "I would rather be a cyborg than a goddess").
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well... some of my oldest entries reflect it, although more of the broken and frozen part than the mean and rotten part (because most of that was before I started LJing). http://belenen.livejournal.com/tag/soul-spirit+issues & http://belenen.livejournal.com/tag/pain (if you go back to the beginning) show some of it.
*hugs* thank you for saying that ♥
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I can't imagine not feeling drawn to you solely based on the fact that you're positive and warm and "seem" to be doing well in life. You're fucking awesome.
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Also, you're not struggling now because you have made it that way for yourself. Circumstances happen unexpectedly, but how we handle them affects how we view our lives. Whether you have obstacles in your path currently or not, you're choosing to handle them in a positive manner. That is why you have no struggles and may come off as "perfect". Well, you are perfect the way you are, but you know what I mean.
Oh what the hell. Like xenopsi says: You're fucking awesome. There. XD I am too long-winded for my own good!
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