my lack of community because of my rare worldview
In the argument of sorts I posted about a while back, my partner asked me questions about being queer, polyamorous, feminist/equalist, spiritually eclectic, and genderfree -- all things which I thought ze agreed fully with me on. I was utterly crushed because the questions sounded accusing and outsider-ish and made me feel that ze did not agree with me. I later learned that they were sparked by a conversation with someone who doesn't really know me, which is why they felt accusing instead of just curious. My partner explained that ze does agree with me so I wasn't hurt by that anymore, but it made me realize a painful truth:
I don't have community like I used to. Being gendered, monogamous, straight, religious (believing in one religion's set tenets/creed), and non-feminist is a HUGE community with all its own jokes and habits and comfort. Going out and expecting all of these things in common with everyone you meet -- that's a huge part of life that you don't even realize until you no longer have it. I had no idea how lucky I was to only have to consider personality/hobbies/politics/jobs/religion-type as potential differences... I feel alienated from most people because I know that genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminists are pretty damn rare. It's really lonely to realize that the very basic parts of you are different from most everyone else. And people seem to think of these things as incidental, or little quirks -- but they are not minor differences, they are a completely different worldview. I'm faced with my difference, my separation, every time I read a book or go online or see a movie or go to the store or even think about my friends. It's like... seeing the world in completely different colors than the vast majority of people, in a world where color is how people relate. How can I be understood when I try to describe what to me is blue and to someone else is yellow? Most people cannot hold two conflicting views at once, and since their views conflict with mine they cannot see mine. Even those who CAN hold two conflicting views at once can only watch me dance, they cannot dance with me.
I thank God/dess that some of you can share some of my dances! I am very grateful for that, and for the fact that even when you cannot dance with me you smile and clap along, so that I do not feel alone. And I like seeing you dance, even if it makes me ache a little when others can join in and I can't. I love that seeing our differences keeps my thoughts fresh and brings up questions continually, but it is lonely. Every time I dance alone, unseen, I feel a little sad... I can't even imagine how incredible it would be to have some of you live near me, because I think with time in each other's presence some of us would be able to weave our separate dances together.
It is HARD to keep my beliefs, which make me so uncomfortable with a world in which I do not fit -- but at the same time, I cannot abandon them because I no longer have the ability to numb myself. I can't be monogamous, straight, gendered, religious, or non-feminist, because that would require a betrayal of self which I could not endure. Part of me really misses the time when my differences were so small that they did not separate me from the majority -- being bisexual, but in a monogamous hetero marriage; being angry about gender stereotypes, but still conforming to and believing in gender; seeking truth for myself and believing that God/dess was pro-queer, but not questioning the other basic dogmas or seeking truth outside one belief system; and wanting equality, but not really understanding what that is or speaking up for it. I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.
another post on this topic is in the making... explaining more of how being genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminist is rare, why it is so important to me, and what I mean by each word.