[Avatar Crackfic] Jade Talk
This was written entirely for the lulz. If you are familiar with Long Feng and Hyo, this may amuse you. If you're not familiar with them, I'd suggest reading Pay the Price of Command to get an idea about them.
Title: Jade Talk
Characters: Long Feng, Hyo (OC), Azula, Katara, Sokka, Zuko, General How, Kiet (OC) assorted Dai Li OCs
Word Count: 1500+
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's that time of year again. Another smutty doujinshi starring the Minister of Culture and the Commander of the Dai Li is available for sale.
Author's Notes: Hyo and Kiet belong to dark_puck and are used with her permission and encouragement.
---
Jade Talk
***
"Do I even want to know?" Qin asked when he found Sang Min and a small cluster of other agents laughing their heads off at a book.
Sang Min beckoned him over. "New doujinshi with Long Feng and Hyo-sir. It's glorious. Long Feng is having to seduce a reluctant Hyo. In his office. He's being very aggressive."
"Oh, sir," one of the other agents said, and they all broke into laughter.
Qin shook his head, smiling. "I'll pick up my own copy later. Are any of our libraries actually empty today?"
"Nah." Sang Min waved a hand vaguely. "The mindbenders have five or six copies under Laogai, so that's out. The other two libraries are probably like this one-"
"Palace library then," Qin murmurred and left. He did want to find a quiet place to read, and no one would bring one of those doujinshi anywhere near Long Feng's office.
***
"Jae." Hyun Su paused, trying to think of how to put this.
"Hm?" The young captain looked up from the notes he was carefully brushing into the margin of the new doujinshi.
"I know you're trying to be helpful, but I really don't think Hyo appreciates this kind of helpfulness." Hyun Su actually wondered why Hyo didn't beat Jae with sticks whenever he did this, but there really was no understanding some people.
"He's not very experienced," Jae pointed out in a reasonable tone. "He needs to know how to do this right without getting silly ideas from these things."
"- See, I don't think Hyo wants to seduce Long Feng. Captain."
Jae looked at him as if he was clearly insane, and Hyun Su gave up.
***
Bae paused in delivering his report, gaze sliding to a spot on Hyo's desk. "Oh, has it been that long again?"
Hyo sighed. "Yes, it's been three months since the last one came out."
"Like clockwork." The mindbender smiled, a shadow of Xin Wan's brilliant smile. "Is Jae still writing you helpful suggestions?"
Hyo just dropped his head to his desk.
"... That looked like it hurt, Hyo-sir."
"It dulls the other pain. Continue with your report, Bae."
***
Long Feng eyed the doujinshi that had wound up on his desk, then raised an eyebrow at Hyo. "Is this a hint?"
"I have brandy." Hyo set the bottle down on the desk along with a pair of glasses. "I have a copy of this doujinshi helpfully annotated by Jae. I refuse to suffer in this alone."
"That was the scenario five issues ago," He pointed out as he flipped open the book. The title page with its unfortunately highly-skilled rendering of himself in his not-very-accurately-rendered office with Hyo kissing him and tearing open his frogs made Long Feng wince.
Hyo gave him a worried look. "-Why do you remember these things?"
"I suspect I don't drink enough."
***
"I don't understand the point of this," General How said to his aide as he flipped through the doujinshi he'd confiscated from the officer on watch. Man should have read it off-duty if he'd wanted to keep it.
Kiet peered over his superior's shoulder at a delicate depiction of Long Feng taking Hyo's hat off and kissing him, then shrugged. Everyone knew the Minister and the Dai Li Commander were quite close, and there were all sorts of rumors...
"This is popular? Have people been spiking their tobacco with opium again?"
Kiet shook his head. 'Not as far as I know.'
The general just stared in disgusted bafflement at the doujinshi, then tossed it into the trash.
***
"You should try this, miss," the bookseller said brightly and pressed a book into Katara's hands. "All the young women your age enjoy this series."
Katara blinked, then stared down at the book. Two characters of flowing gold took up most of the cover with a small double-symbol of the character for horse and a character she only recognized as one of the variant Earth Kingdom written languages. 'Jade Talk' it was entitled, which told her nothing about it.
She frowned, then flipped it open to a random page.
Oh my. That was- And- Um. They had no robes. Or pants.
She closed the book very carefully, her cheeks feeling hot. "Ah- I'll take this."
The bookseller beamed. "There's a few copies of the previous issue still available as well."
She loved this woman forever.
***
Azula was bored. Extremely, excessively bored. Zuko wasn't reacting to her anymore, Ty Lee was chasing one of the Dai Li agents, the Dai Li submitted to her will, and Mai was about as interesting as a wall.
Currently, Azula was instructing one of her Dai Li but she really wasn't paying attention to what she was saying as she wandered around the small private library, randomly pulling books off the shelves and flipping them open.
The fifth one she flipped open made her break off speaking to stare.
Then she giggled.
***
"I want more of these," Azula informed Hyo, tapping the strange Earth Kingdom picture-novel against his chest so he knew what she was talking about. "I'll start with the previous nineteen in the series."
Hyo stared at the book in horror. "-We tend to burn them. Princess."
She sighed in annoyance. "Well, fortunately for you, Xiang managed to find some unburned copies yesterday. Now I want to know who makes these. I have some work I want done."
***
Azula giggled happily and curled up in her bed aboard ship with her new doujinshi. It had taken a great deal of threats and bribery to get the artists to write and produce what she had wanted as fast as she wanted, but it was so definitely worth it.
Not only did she have her brand-new, written-to-her-specifications 'Jade Mounted on Bronze' doujinshi, she had the entire twenty-issue run of the Long Feng and Hyo series as well as all of the various different special issues that had been created.
She almost wriggled with happiness at the thought the artists would not only keep drawing the Long Feng and Hyo series, but they'd continue this series too. Just for her! Every new issue would be sent straight to her in the Fire Nation.
She opened 'Jade Mounted on Bronze' to the title page and paused to admire the sheer artistry being used to render her father taking Long Feng. Lovely, it really was.
Then she turned to the first page and settled in to enjoy a chained up and helpless leader of the Dai Li in the presence her father in a playful, lusty mood.
***
Sokka pulled a couple of books out of Katara's pack. Huh. Looked Earth Kingdom. He flipped one open randomly, then slammed it shut. "Katara! How long have you been carrying these around?"
His little sister got a distinctly hunted look on her face as she saw what he was holding. "I bought them in Ba Sing Se..."
"You bought them in Ba Sing Se?" Prince Jerkbender said, looking confused. "You've carried a pair of books all the way from Ba Sing Se to here?"
"Yes," Katara growled. Zuko flinched and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible but it was too late for that.
If looks could kill, Prince Jerkbender would be drawn and quartered, Sokka thought as Katara glared. Guy really needed to stop reminding her he still existed.
***
After he somehow convinced the Captain of the Royal Firebender Guard that Azula had forfeited the Agni Kai and he didn't need to be arrested and they should lock her up anyway, Zuko went looking for Katara. It took longer than he thought it would, half because the Palace was huge and the servants weren't speaking to him and half because he ran into the commander of the Dai Li in exile who wanted to take his people and go home. Now. Or as soon as feasibly possible.
Eventually he did find Katara, in his sister's room. She was curled up on a chair with a book that looked Earth Kingdom. 'Jade Column', which told him nothing about what kind of book it was. Next to her on the floor were a stack of books with similar covers.
Huh. Must be a series, like Omashu Li.
Katara glanced up at him and smiled. "Zuko," she said in a wheedling tone that rang very false in comparison her normal voice. "Do you think Azula really needs these anymore?"
He blinked. "... You want my sister's books?"
She nodded.
"Well, I guess she can replace them if she ever gets well enough to care."
"Thank you, Zuko." Katara smiled. "Have you seen Haru, by the way? I've just gone through this terrible ordeal with your sister and all, and I need to be comforted. Like in 'Claws of Bronze; Healing Jade'."
He had the feeling she was leaving some words off that would explain exactly what the hell she was talking about. But her tone did not say 'I have gone through a terrible ordeal', it said 'I am thinking of great mischief'. "Um. I'll ask the Dai Li to keep an eye out for him?"
"Good."
-End-
Title: Jade Talk
Characters: Long Feng, Hyo (OC), Azula, Katara, Sokka, Zuko, General How, Kiet (OC) assorted Dai Li OCs
Word Count: 1500+
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's that time of year again. Another smutty doujinshi starring the Minister of Culture and the Commander of the Dai Li is available for sale.
Author's Notes: Hyo and Kiet belong to dark_puck and are used with her permission and encouragement.
---
Jade Talk
***
"Do I even want to know?" Qin asked when he found Sang Min and a small cluster of other agents laughing their heads off at a book.
Sang Min beckoned him over. "New doujinshi with Long Feng and Hyo-sir. It's glorious. Long Feng is having to seduce a reluctant Hyo. In his office. He's being very aggressive."
"Oh, sir," one of the other agents said, and they all broke into laughter.
Qin shook his head, smiling. "I'll pick up my own copy later. Are any of our libraries actually empty today?"
"Nah." Sang Min waved a hand vaguely. "The mindbenders have five or six copies under Laogai, so that's out. The other two libraries are probably like this one-"
"Palace library then," Qin murmurred and left. He did want to find a quiet place to read, and no one would bring one of those doujinshi anywhere near Long Feng's office.
***
"Jae." Hyun Su paused, trying to think of how to put this.
"Hm?" The young captain looked up from the notes he was carefully brushing into the margin of the new doujinshi.
"I know you're trying to be helpful, but I really don't think Hyo appreciates this kind of helpfulness." Hyun Su actually wondered why Hyo didn't beat Jae with sticks whenever he did this, but there really was no understanding some people.
"He's not very experienced," Jae pointed out in a reasonable tone. "He needs to know how to do this right without getting silly ideas from these things."
"- See, I don't think Hyo wants to seduce Long Feng. Captain."
Jae looked at him as if he was clearly insane, and Hyun Su gave up.
***
Bae paused in delivering his report, gaze sliding to a spot on Hyo's desk. "Oh, has it been that long again?"
Hyo sighed. "Yes, it's been three months since the last one came out."
"Like clockwork." The mindbender smiled, a shadow of Xin Wan's brilliant smile. "Is Jae still writing you helpful suggestions?"
Hyo just dropped his head to his desk.
"... That looked like it hurt, Hyo-sir."
"It dulls the other pain. Continue with your report, Bae."
***
Long Feng eyed the doujinshi that had wound up on his desk, then raised an eyebrow at Hyo. "Is this a hint?"
"I have brandy." Hyo set the bottle down on the desk along with a pair of glasses. "I have a copy of this doujinshi helpfully annotated by Jae. I refuse to suffer in this alone."
"That was the scenario five issues ago," He pointed out as he flipped open the book. The title page with its unfortunately highly-skilled rendering of himself in his not-very-accurately-rendered office with Hyo kissing him and tearing open his frogs made Long Feng wince.
Hyo gave him a worried look. "-Why do you remember these things?"
"I suspect I don't drink enough."
***
"I don't understand the point of this," General How said to his aide as he flipped through the doujinshi he'd confiscated from the officer on watch. Man should have read it off-duty if he'd wanted to keep it.
Kiet peered over his superior's shoulder at a delicate depiction of Long Feng taking Hyo's hat off and kissing him, then shrugged. Everyone knew the Minister and the Dai Li Commander were quite close, and there were all sorts of rumors...
"This is popular? Have people been spiking their tobacco with opium again?"
Kiet shook his head. 'Not as far as I know.'
The general just stared in disgusted bafflement at the doujinshi, then tossed it into the trash.
***
"You should try this, miss," the bookseller said brightly and pressed a book into Katara's hands. "All the young women your age enjoy this series."
Katara blinked, then stared down at the book. Two characters of flowing gold took up most of the cover with a small double-symbol of the character for horse and a character she only recognized as one of the variant Earth Kingdom written languages. 'Jade Talk' it was entitled, which told her nothing about it.
She frowned, then flipped it open to a random page.
Oh my. That was- And- Um. They had no robes. Or pants.
She closed the book very carefully, her cheeks feeling hot. "Ah- I'll take this."
The bookseller beamed. "There's a few copies of the previous issue still available as well."
She loved this woman forever.
***
Azula was bored. Extremely, excessively bored. Zuko wasn't reacting to her anymore, Ty Lee was chasing one of the Dai Li agents, the Dai Li submitted to her will, and Mai was about as interesting as a wall.
Currently, Azula was instructing one of her Dai Li but she really wasn't paying attention to what she was saying as she wandered around the small private library, randomly pulling books off the shelves and flipping them open.
The fifth one she flipped open made her break off speaking to stare.
Then she giggled.
***
"I want more of these," Azula informed Hyo, tapping the strange Earth Kingdom picture-novel against his chest so he knew what she was talking about. "I'll start with the previous nineteen in the series."
Hyo stared at the book in horror. "-We tend to burn them. Princess."
She sighed in annoyance. "Well, fortunately for you, Xiang managed to find some unburned copies yesterday. Now I want to know who makes these. I have some work I want done."
***
Azula giggled happily and curled up in her bed aboard ship with her new doujinshi. It had taken a great deal of threats and bribery to get the artists to write and produce what she had wanted as fast as she wanted, but it was so definitely worth it.
Not only did she have her brand-new, written-to-her-specifications 'Jade Mounted on Bronze' doujinshi, she had the entire twenty-issue run of the Long Feng and Hyo series as well as all of the various different special issues that had been created.
She almost wriggled with happiness at the thought the artists would not only keep drawing the Long Feng and Hyo series, but they'd continue this series too. Just for her! Every new issue would be sent straight to her in the Fire Nation.
She opened 'Jade Mounted on Bronze' to the title page and paused to admire the sheer artistry being used to render her father taking Long Feng. Lovely, it really was.
Then she turned to the first page and settled in to enjoy a chained up and helpless leader of the Dai Li in the presence her father in a playful, lusty mood.
***
Sokka pulled a couple of books out of Katara's pack. Huh. Looked Earth Kingdom. He flipped one open randomly, then slammed it shut. "Katara! How long have you been carrying these around?"
His little sister got a distinctly hunted look on her face as she saw what he was holding. "I bought them in Ba Sing Se..."
"You bought them in Ba Sing Se?" Prince Jerkbender said, looking confused. "You've carried a pair of books all the way from Ba Sing Se to here?"
"Yes," Katara growled. Zuko flinched and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible but it was too late for that.
If looks could kill, Prince Jerkbender would be drawn and quartered, Sokka thought as Katara glared. Guy really needed to stop reminding her he still existed.
***
After he somehow convinced the Captain of the Royal Firebender Guard that Azula had forfeited the Agni Kai and he didn't need to be arrested and they should lock her up anyway, Zuko went looking for Katara. It took longer than he thought it would, half because the Palace was huge and the servants weren't speaking to him and half because he ran into the commander of the Dai Li in exile who wanted to take his people and go home. Now. Or as soon as feasibly possible.
Eventually he did find Katara, in his sister's room. She was curled up on a chair with a book that looked Earth Kingdom. 'Jade Column', which told him nothing about what kind of book it was. Next to her on the floor were a stack of books with similar covers.
Huh. Must be a series, like Omashu Li.
Katara glanced up at him and smiled. "Zuko," she said in a wheedling tone that rang very false in comparison her normal voice. "Do you think Azula really needs these anymore?"
He blinked. "... You want my sister's books?"
She nodded.
"Well, I guess she can replace them if she ever gets well enough to care."
"Thank you, Zuko." Katara smiled. "Have you seen Haru, by the way? I've just gone through this terrible ordeal with your sister and all, and I need to be comforted. Like in 'Claws of Bronze; Healing Jade'."
He had the feeling she was leaving some words off that would explain exactly what the hell she was talking about. But her tone did not say 'I have gone through a terrible ordeal', it said 'I am thinking of great mischief'. "Um. I'll ask the Dai Li to keep an eye out for him?"
"Good."
-End-