we will become silhouettes (jack/kate) pg13
Title: We Will Become Silhouettes
Characters: Jack, Kate, mentions of Sawyer, Charlie, Claire, Jin, Sun and Hurley
Word Count: 3485
Rating: PG-13, for language, adult themes, mention of character death
The luminescent numbers on the dashboard clock flipped to 12:58 am as Jack pulled up to the stoplight. He could already see the miles of gridlock awaiting him on the other side and he rested his forehead on the steering wheel, his arms draped over his head. He peered over at the clock.
One in the morning.
The light turned green and Jack made a snap decision to turn onto a side street.
A shortcut, he told himself.
Jack glanced around at the buildings as he drove further into a spider web of unfamiliar streets, the signs counting in numbers further away from any place he’d ever admit to being. The facades were eroding, the sidewalks cracked, the rain gutters busted. He thought of his own park place apartment and a fleeting twang of guilt went through him, not that the feeling was a foreign one. Catching the figures of two men conversing in his rearview mirror, he followed the small package transfer from one’s hands to the other and five green bills flow back the other direction.
He pulled up to another streetlight and blinked, realizing he could probably be halfway home if he hadn’t had the brilliant idea to take a "shortcut".
Jack raised his eyes to the street just as the pedestrian’s light flipped to walk.
She was walking across the crosswalk when he saw her. At first Jack didn’t recognize her, the heavy eye makeup threw him off.
He’d never seen her in makeup before.
But there was something about the way she walked, even in heels, that was familiar. She turned to laugh at something someone yelled at her and he knew for sure. She strode over to the corner and started talking to one of the other girls working that street. She slid a cigarette out of the pack and up between her lips. One of the other girls pulled out a red lighter and ignited the tip before lighting her own.
Jack would never have thought she was a smoker, she was always so health oriented. She was a vegetarian after all.
Jack honked as he pulled up to the corner, and he saw her whisper something to her friend. Jack rolled down the tinted passenger side window as she strolled over and leaned her elbows on the door.
"Hey hon, are you looking for a - " she stopped, her face frozen as her blood ran cold.
"Hey Kate," Jack greeted softly, almost timid, not sure exactly what he was going to say next.
Kate blinked, a mix of embarrassment, fear, and surprise embedded in her features.
"Jack," she said, her tone more of a confirmation than a greeting. It was a question as to if he was really there in front of her. She paused before, "What are you -"
"Shortcut," he suddenly felt the need to defend himself and his motives, "I was taking a shortcut."
"Oh," was all Kate could say.
Jack suddenly reached over and opened the passenger side door. "Get in."
Kate stepped away from the curb and grasped the corner of the door to stop its rotation towards her and gave him an unsure look.
"To talk."
Kate nodded her head and bit her lip, planting one bare leg inside the car before swinging her head inside. She gave him a sidelong look after buckling her seat belt. Jack flashed her a half smile as he switched his BMW into gear and pulled away from the curb.
"So," Jack broke the silence after ten minutes, "It’s been awhile."
"Yeah," Kate breathed. She refolded her hands in her lap and glanced at Jack quickly. "So how have you been?"
"Good." His forehead creased as he answered, as if he was trying to really mean it or make her believe it. "What about you?"
"I’m…fine," she gave him a conciliatory smile, "Really."
"Really." Jack repeated, something joking in his tone. He pulled out of the neighborhood and glanced over at her. Kate nodded and he took the familiar exit to his apartment. "I didn’t see you at the reunions. I asked Hurley and he said no one knew an address to send the invitation to."
"I wouldn’t have come." Kate sniffed.
Jack nodded. "I was worried though. You disappeared off the face of the earth after…after the trial."
Kate ran a hand through her hair and rested her elbow on the doorframe. "Yeah, well…I didn’t think anyone would miss me."
Jack wanted to yell at her. To call her selfish and to insist that Kate knew full well he couldn’t stop picturing her dead in a ditch somewhere. He cleared his throat instead.
"Have you seen anyone? Since the island?"
"Ran into Sawyer a few months ago." She gave a tired sigh. "Gave me an extra hundred."
Jack glanced over at her, nauseous by the thought, and he found a dank weariness behind those eyes.
He knew that she wasn’t expecting anything more from him and it made him sick.
"Oh," was all he could think to say.
Time seemed to stand stagnant until finally the car pulled up to Jack’s apartment building. Jack got out and Kate followed suit as a valet approached them. Jack handed the keys to him and slid him a twenty-dollar bill.
"Will you be using the car again tonight, sir?" The valet queried, meeting Jack’s eyes but keeping his head bent.
Jack glanced over at Kate questioningly, and she gave a small nod in response.
"No, you can put her down for the night."
The valet nodded a ‘yes sir’ and slid into the car. Kate noticed him run his hands over the leather steering wheel enviously.
Kate knew that feeling. The life you want always presented to you behind a glass display case.
Jack placed a guiding hand in the small of her back, opening the door to the building in front of her.
Kate shuffled into the elevator behind Jack, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. She suddenly felt out of place, the elevator doors reflecting back her own image and she remarked to herself, sadly not for the first time, that she resembled a drowned rat at this particular moment.
The operator gave her the once over before chuckling to himself and raising his eyebrow at Jack. Kate watched the numbers above the door illuminate one by one with a soft ding marking each passing digit: one, two, three, four, five.
The doors slid open and Kate hurriedly exited.
Jack slid his keys through the doorknob, twisting until they were aside. Kate glanced around the sparsely decorated apartment, her heels’ footsteps echoing around the space.
The ceilings were more than twice higher than they needed to be, with tall windows looking out onto the sparkling city landscape inked in darkness.
The world looks so spotless and simple from five stories up.
The walls were bleached white, most likely from non-use rather than tidiness, a single picture hanging crooked on the wall.
It was from the first reunion they held after the rescue, everyone grinning and squished close together.
It was before Claire had left Charlie and a teenaged Aaron had got into his drug addiction, just like his stepfather. The pair was stationed in the center of the picture, toddler Aaron cuddled onto Claire’s lap.
It was before Jin was murdered, in a signature suspiciously like Sun’s father’s had been when they still lived in Korea. The Asian couple sat next to Charlie and Claire, baby #2 still in utero and their daughter reaching up to pull Aaron’s air.
Hurley sat on the floor, the glowing center from which all the other castaways radiated and happiness with it.
Kate may have been out of the conventional loop of information concerning the castaways, but she did hear whispers, caught sight of them on the street before ducking into stores, called then disconnected when they picked up.
And then there was Jack, on the end, looking happy but not content. A disappointed look was present in his eyes.
He had expected her to come.
Jack caught her studying the photo and quickly straightened it, as if ashamed that he had let the good memories of old go to waste.
"Fourteen years ago." Jack narrated, "Hurley tried to make it an annual thing but…"
Kate knew why it hadn’t been organized. Hurley had been in a mental institution since his mom was hit by a car. The investigators concluded malfunctioning walk signs were at fault, but Hurley always blamed himself. "We only had three of them."
Kate nodded, choosing not to speak in reply. She continued moving through the apartment, towards the kitchen, and stopped in front of the refrigerator. Her fingers lingered over a picture of Jack and a blonde woman posing on a couch, and if she hadn’t known Jack so well she might have been convinced that the smile on his face was genuine.
Jack cleared his throat behind her so she dropped her hand to her side, fearing the questions about his current relationship with his ex-wife that could arise.
"Are you hungry? I have nothing here, but we could always order out."
Jack cursed his lack of time to go grocery shopping during the week.
Kate was starving, but she wasn’t going to accept his donations.
"No, I ate."
Kate turned around, leaning her back against the refrigerator. Jack looked down at her, and he was closer than either of them had realized.
"I’m glad you came." Jack said quietly, nodding his head slightly as he spoke.
"I’m glad I came too." Kate responded.
She slid her hand up his arm, an instinct Kate had previously thought had dissipated over the years.
"What are you doing?" Jack asked, not quite warning in his voice.
She looked into his eyes. "Nothing," although the lie was evident in her gaze.
"Kate stop." Jack ordered softly, removing her hand from his arm and looking away, ashamed for her.
"Jesus, Jack." Her voice picked up. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Jack looked back at her, fire now instilled in her eyes.
"What’s wrong with me? Kate, what do you think you’re doing?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"What were you doing there? I find you on the street with drugs and murderers and…and you think that’s just fine? That I wouldn’t care?"
Kate glared at him. "What was I supposed to do? No one wants to hire a criminal for an office job. Especially not a famous one. People need money to live! Not everyone has a surgeon as a daddy. Not everyone had a career to come back to," she folded her arms in front of her.
"So now it’s my fault? You could have come to me if you needed money, or a place to stay, or…anything! But instead of asking for help you become a cheap hooker on a corner? No, you don’t get to make me feel guilty for your shitty mistakes."
Kate narrowed her eyes and went forward a step, poking a finger into his chest.
"Don’t you call me a whore. I did what I had to survive." She followed his eyes as they began to angle toward the floor, but they picked up again when she spoke next. "And where were you? You said I could have come to you, but you never went looking for me. You never tried. You had your life here, and it didn’t include me."
His mouth twisted into an expression of incredulous shock, then to disgust. "Don’t you dare pull that shit! You knew I was waiting for you. I wanted to protect you, but you had to be independent, you couldn’t accept any help. You said you could do it on your own, but, as is painfully obvious, you can’t. You’re too busy trying to push everyone away that you pushed yourself right off a cliff!"
"I didn’t come here to be lectured or accused Jack. Yeah, I made some bad decisions, but they were mine to make."
"Then why did you come here, Kate?" Jack pressed his lips together, unconsciously holding his breath for an answer.
Kate glanced away, running a frustrated hand through her tangled hair.
"I don’t know Jack." She glanced back up at him, the ghost of tears clinging to the rims of her eyes. "I just…" she shook her head, "…don’t know anymore." Kate glanced down at her fingers clutching at his shirt, trying to still their trembling. "I’m tired Jack."
All the anger left her body then.
"I know." Jack consoled, his hand drifting over her hair, the anger in his voice quickly doused by that look in her eyes that got to him every single time. Kate’s eyes drifted shut, calmed by the familiar sensation of Jack’s hands stroking over her hair.
When Kate opened her eyes, she stared into Jack’s completely and for the first time not trying to mask any part of her.
When she kissed him, she knew it was the last time.
Kate recalled what it was like the first time, to have his arms wrap around her small body, trying to take all grief from her in the jungle on an island far away so long ago.
But there was hope then, hope that somehow, some way, the world would shift, turn upside down and they would be in the same place, at the same time together.
But now, as Kate’s tears tasted salty on his tongue and her fingers grazed over his scratchy stubble, she knew this was the end of their possible future together.
They could never be what she wanted and she could never give him what he needed. She was a fighter, a criminal, a murderer. Kate would never be content playing house for the rest of her life, even if it were with Jack.
Jack was who she needed, but the what didn’t come in that package.
Their lips parted, for just a moment rejoining, this time briefly. Their foreheads rested on one another’s, and Kate squeezed her eyes shut, another cascade of tears wetting her cheeks.
"I’m sorry." The words were dry in her mouth.
Jack swallowed. "Me too."
Kate nestled into Jack’s chest, trying to wash herself of the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future. She tried to focus on the here and the now of this moment.
"I’ll sleep on the couch." She heard Jack say, more from the reverberations in his chest than his actual voice.
Kate nodded against his shirt before glancing up at him and biting her lip, a faint bitter smile barely visible. It was an empty gesture, not even serving to convince him she wasn’t dead and decaying somewhere inside.
Jack kissed her forehead softly, making sure she knew if she ever needed anything, he would be there. But he also knew that he would never have the chance to prove that he didn’t want to save her just because she was broken.
He really did love her.
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Kate opened her eyes against the gleaming light streaming in through the gauzy curtains, blinking once at the wood varnished dresser beside the bed before remembering where she had ended up last night.
She sat up slowly, clutching the sheet to her body and squinted at the bedroom around her. She reached over to the chair beside her, fishing out one of Jack’s button-up shirts and slipping her arms into the sleeves.
She noticed her clothes were folded neatly in a pile at the foot of the bed as she made her way into the other room hesitantly. Her bare feet padded softly on the hardwood floors as she peered around the corner.
Jack’s bedding remained rumpled on the couch, but his vacancy was evident from the thrown back covers and dented pillow. Kate tiptoed over to the kitchen counter, noticing a bright yellow post-it. Just her thumb and forefinger clasped the square paper from the tiled surface, her eyes flitting over his chicken-scratch handwriting.
Went to work, made coffee.
Jack
Kate chuckled to herself at how completely inept Jack was at writing a decent note to anyone. But her smile quickly faded when she caught sight of the wad of cash next to the note.
Kate should have known Jack would try something like this. She wasn’t angry, just indignant.
They had been in this sea-saw game of back and forth, push and pull, give and refuse for more years than she could count on two hands. Part of her wanted to be insulted. He was paying her in a way and if she looked at it from a certain angle he was only making her feel cheaper. The last thing she needed was to feel more like a whore.
Then again he was just trying to help. Jack was the protector, the one that would die trying to fix the unfixable. Some would call it a weakness; she admired the trait.
He cared about her, wanted to make her safe, to know that she was safe.
This was his last try.
If she wasn’t going to let him catch her, he would at least leave some padding for when she fell.
Kate reached out, felt the green printed paper crinkle between her fingers. She thought of all the things she could do with that money.
She could fumigate the apartment, put it in the bank, pay off her car payments. It was a few hundred dollars by the look of it, maybe five, six quintuplets of twenty-dollar bills. It would be so easy to take. She’d stolen more in her lifetime and this was a gift.
Yet there was still apart of her that was screaming she didn’t need it, that she could get by without accepting charity, least of all from Jack. She wasn’t the little orphan girl standing out in a blizzard selling snow. Kate was a grown woman who had made her own mistakes and was going to right them the same way she had lived her life: alone.
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Jack’s shoulders hunched forward as he approached the door to his apartment. He’d had a hectic day: a woman with spinal cancer had died on his table, an intern had given a patient the wrong meds and his morning had jump started with his pouring scalding hot coffee over his lab coat. He had to wear baby blue surgery scrubs the entire day.
Yet that wasn’t why his feet shuffled and he massaged his eyelids. Jack knew what he would find as he stepped into his apartment. Kate would be gone because he was too proud to beg her to stay. The couch would be neat, the covers he slept on folded carefully beside the coffee table.
Kate folded when she felt guilty about something.
Jack knew her so well it hurt.
The money would still be there. It was a last ditch attempt to help her and to see if she would let him.
But when he was actually standing in his living room, something was different. The sheets were folded like he knew they would be. Yet the counter where he had left the money was clear.
"I took the money." Kate said from the bedroom doorway, taking a small step toward him.
"I was hoping you would." Jack replied shakily.
Kate cocked her head to one side slightly, studying him.
"I can’t stay." She informed him, although she had a suspicion he already knew that.
Jack swallowed. He knew not to get his hopes up, be he still wished…
"I know."
Kate walked up to him on her path to the door. She paused, looking up into his eyes and running a gentle hand over his graying hair. She smiled briefly, sadly, before continuing toward the door, her frame still cloaked in his dress shirt. Once she reached the exit, though, she stopped and turned around.
"Jack?"
He spun slowly, his eyes rising her her’s with the same sluggishness.
"We were in love, weren’t we?"
He barely hesitates before nodding.
Kate matches the gesture, as if confirming a long buried family secret always whispered at reunions.
"See you around Jack." Kate promised, almost inaudibly.
She opened the door just wide enough for her to slip past and shutting it nearly imperceptibly behind her, trying her best to not leave a trace of her presence.
But she had.
Jack attempted to patch up the metaphysical walls built within him, but it was comparable to laying bricks on a dam with white icing. He didn’t realize Kate was leaning on the other side of that door trying to achieve the same goal with similar results.
Yet she confidently descended the staircase to the lobby, gathering herself like they both knew she could. Like she needed to if she was expected to survive, like he would eventually.
They couldn’t learn to stand if they continued to lean on each other.