Fic: SGA: The Average Cat Does Not Do Long Division, Checkmate 'verse
Fic: The Average Cat Does Not Do Long Division
Pairing: McShep, pre-slash.
Rating: For all audiences
Warnings: Cat crack!fic
Spoilers: None, realy
Summary: A catastrophe occurs. (I know, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.)
Chronologically, the first part of the Checkmate 'Verse.
Teaser:
“Carson,” Rodney gritted out between his teeth. “Where is Sheppard?”
“Under here,” the other white coat - a woman - said. “We can’t seem to get him out.”
“Morrrrow,” Sheppard stated.
Rodney smiled grimly. “It sounds like he wants to stay put, Doctor…”
She glared at him. “Vasha. Xenobiology and veternarian?”
“I take it,” he said stiffly, “John's a new sort of animal and you’ve done something horrible to frighten him.”
~~~~~~~
“Rodney,” Carson’s voice in his ear was rushed and frazzled. “Could you please report to the infirmary immediately?”
“Carson?” Rodney could feel the blood drain from his face. He swiveled in his chair and looked wide-eyed at Radek. “Are they back? I was working…what’s wrong?”
“Everyone’s…” there was a weird howling noise and a clatter. “Fine. It’s just…bloody hell!” the transmission went dead.
“It sounds like they have a wild animal in the infirmary.” Rodney said, panic rising. “And they want me there. Did you hear the gate activate?”
“No, but we did have on earplugs on the better part of the last hour.” Radek gave him a reassuring nod. “Go, Rodney. I will try not to blow up lab while you are gone.”
“Ha,” Rodney replied distractedly, grabbing his jacket.
~~~
Harried-looking nurses pointed Rodney to one of the more private areas of the infirmary where Carson usually put overnight guests. He rounded the corner and stopped, stunned. The place was a wreck. Chairs overturned, stuff scattered all over the floor and a surprising amount of dirt. It was like a localized tornado had gone through.
“Rodney,” Teyla said gratefully, “Thank you for coming.” She was covered in mud down her front and had scratches all over her hands. Ronon stood behind her looking torn up. Actually torn up. His shirt was covered in gaping rents, his arms with scratches and even his dreads looked a little raggedy. He, like Teyla, sported a good deal of mud and about a half a shrub’s worth of leaves in his hair.
“Oh my god, what happened to you? Where’s Sheppard?”
A long, wailing moan came from somewhere near the supply chest. Ronon and Teyla flinched.
“You have to be kidding me,” Rodney breathed, disbelieving. “Again?”
“Not exactly,” Teyla replied cautiously.
Rodney glared at her and charged to the back of the alcove. Carson and another white-coated person were bending over, making kissy noises at something underneath the equipment. Elizabeth was standing well out of the way, arms crossed tight and frowning.
“Rodney,” she said, letting out a long, relieved, sigh.
“Yes, yes, the cavalry’s here. Where is he?”
“Rodney.” Carson stood, his shoulders drooping. “Thank god.”
“Carson,” Rodney gritted out between his teeth. “Where is Sheppard?”
“Under here,” the other white coat - a woman - said. “We can’t seem to get him out.”
“Moorrrrow,” Sheppard stated.
Rodney smiled grimly. “It sounds like he wants to stay put, Doctor…”
She glared at him. “Vasha. Xenobiology and veternarian?”
“I take it,” he said stiffly, “John's a new sort of animal and you’ve done something horrible to frighten him.”
Dr. Vasha opened her mouth to take umbrage, but Carson held up a gentling hand.
“He’s a cat,” Carson said, resigned. “From what we can tell, an Earth-style domestic shorthair. And we were just going to get a wee bit of blood.”
“Did you tell him that’s what you were doing?”
“Yes, of course we did, we got the clippers out and…”
Rodney held up a hand. “Oh, for...clippers.”
“He got a bit stroppy,” Carson finished sheepishly, rubbing his bandaged hand. Rodney felt savagely pleased about that.
He inhaled deeply, planted his feet and crossed his arms. “Let me get this straight. Our military commander, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard has been turned, once again, into something not human. I am his medical proxy in the event that he is unable to communicate his wishes. In fact, he gave me quite detailed instructions in the event that something this horrifying ever happened to him again. You knew that.”
“Rodney, I - “
“Pick one. Pick whether you treat him like an animal or treat him like your friend who cannot communicate his wishes clearly.”
“Rodney,” Carson’s brogue got thicker.
“You tried to shave his neck. To take blood, didn’t you?”
“That’s standard procedure,” Dr. Vasha said.
“Yes, thank you, never would have known that, as a long-time cat owner. You could have -not that you needed to - taken it from his forearm, and not go for his neck with clippers and a needle.”
"But it's less..."
"Trouble for you yes, I know. Good call."
“I gave them the go-ahead Rodney,” Elizabeth said quietly.
“You had no right.”
Elizabeth lifted her chin stubbornly. "I'm his friend, too."
"Obviously not the type that follows his legally-filed wishes."
She looked down at the floor, obviously stung.
“Well, now," Rodney clapped his hands. "Thank you for playing 'Scare the Cat'. Now beat it.”
“Rodney!” Carson said, shocked.
“I believe everyone was doing what they thought best,” Teyla said quietly behind him.
“Well, fat lot of help that was!” Rodney spat. “Obviously, he’s angry and scared. You tried to shave his neck? Where his Iratus scar is? I’m sure your little buzzing clipper’s going to feel great against his scar tissue! Not to mention holding him still and using sharp objects on him where he can't see. Can't think of why he wasn't all for that. And you tried to shave his hair. His hair? That hair is his offspring or something.”
From across the room, John let out an indignant squawk. “Mrowr!”
“Oh, please, it's practically sentient,” Rodney addressed the corner of the room. “I don’t think that in any form, John Sheppard would sanction messing with The Hair. So tell me, did all of you wake up brainless this morning, because honestly, I can’t think of another reason to make such a boneheaded call!”
“We need to know how much of him is still in there!” Elizabeth said angrily.
“And his blood is going to tell us that, how?” Rodney held up a finger to forestall any arguments. “Also? Had you been paying attention, Colonel Sheppard seems to be following the conversation, so my gracious, how about talking to him? But, tests. Can we get the information on his DNA in another way, yes, yes we can. Epithelial cells. Give me a Q-tip, get out of here, and maybe I can get him to come out. If I can talk him into giving me a sample, fine, I’ll leave it on the end of the gurney. Otherwise, I’m taking him out of here so he can calm down. Okay? Now shoo.”
“As loath as I am to be kicked out of my own infirmary, I certainly don’t have his trust at the moment.” He gave Rodney a resigned look. “My apologies, Rodney. I should have called you.
“Apologizing to me is so not the point.”
“Yes, well. Could you bring him tomorrow so we can test his mental faculties?”
“I plan on doing some of that tonight, so I will ask him then.”
Carson nodded, and taking Dr. Vasha by the arm, walked out.
Rodney turned to Teyla and Ronon. “What happened?” he said plaintively. “You guys knew about the proxy! God, I miss one mission and you forget about me?”
“That is not it at all, Rodney,” Teyla said, brushing a leaf off her cheek. “I am sorry. It was very…John was very upset, I think because of his previous experience with the Iratus. He had not had time to process his new situation and was startled by a loud noise. He was frightened and ran.”
“Lots of noise and yelling,” Ronon added. “And, we might have treated him like he was a cat, I think. It got pretty wild.”
Rodney rubbed his brows with one hand. “So, you had to run him down and catch him? How did you get him back here?”
“Yes,” Teyla said guiltily. “We had to borrow a sturdy basket, so that we could transport him back to Atlantis. He would not let us hold him.”
“Did either of you ever have any pets?” Teyla and Ronon looked stricken. “Never mind, we can talk about it later. I’m going to go - “ he pointed a thumb behind him.
“Rodney, please know we were so anxious to retrieve him because we feared he would run into the deep woods,” Teyla said.
“Predators,” Ronon clarified. Rodney shuddered and covered his eyes with both hands, trying not to imagine it.
Teyla put her hand on his shoulder. “Let us know what happens?” Teyla asked in parting.
“If there’s anything we can do,” Ronon added.
Rodney heaved a sigh. “As soon as I know what that is,” he agreed. When he turned around Elizabeth was standing behind him.
“If you don’t mind, Elizabeth? I’m going to go check on my traumatized best friend.”
“Rodney -“
“Elizabeth, most of the time I have the utmost respect for you, I really do, but sometimes you have a slightly terrifying ends justifying the means streak that scares me about as much as Sheppard's hero complex. Not to mention the odd individual's rights violation. I just want to see him, okay? If I can. And I don’t think he’ll come out unless he thinks it’s safe.”
She looked at him for a long time, pain,guilt and determination on her face. “If he is in there, Rodney, the Gata said he could be like this for a month.”
“Oh,” Rodney said lightly, “Well, at least it’s not permanent. Energy beam? Wacky Ancient toy? Witchcraft?”
Elizabeth gave him a grimacing smile. “Spirit animal ceremony, with possible Ancient device component. John’s ATA gene evidently maximizes the effect. Teyla and Ronon got as much information as they could, and we’ll be sending a team in the morning, which I will be joining.” She, too, touched him on the shoulder.
Once he was alone, Rodney pulled the curtain and rolled his shoulders a few times. He shook out his hands and fingers and cautiously walked toward Sheppard’s last known location.
“Sheppard? It’s me.”
“Aowr,” said a tiny, sad voice.
Rodney knelt on the floor about five feet from the equipment John was hiding in or under and peeked into a storage compartment with a sliding door. He could just make out a furry face peering back at him.
“Hey, there,” he said softly. “Good spot.”
“Meeeer!” John said.
“Don’t yell at me, I got here as soon as they called me.” Rodney knelt on the floor, well away from the machine. John continued to peer at him.
“What did you do to Teyla and Ronon?” he asked conspiratorially. “They look like they’ve been though a tiny wood chipper.”
“Mow. Mow ow.” John complained.
“I'm sure they deserved it at the time. Jesus, Sheppard. You turn into the one animal I know something about and I wasn’t there,” Rodney berated himself.
John looked at him miserably and sighed.
“Listen,” Rodney said, keeping his voice soft. “I’m going to get something to read and maybe some water for you. We'll just sit here until you feel like coming out.” He got up and walked out of the alcove. Carson was hovering just outside.
“Carson, this isn’t going to work if he can still smell you nearby.”
Carson wrung his hands. “I’m afraid we didn’t keep our heads very well, earlier.”
“Oh, really?” Rodney asked, full of heavy sarcasm. “And I realize how ironic this is coming from me, you can’t just bulldoze over people, or cats who were people. And you shouldn’t let Elizabeth push you around like that. Now, may I have some water for John? Got anything that needs fixing?”
“What?”
“Something I can focus on, tinker with. Or, or, a magazine or, oooh, laptop. Something so I’m not just staring at him, waiting.”
“He’s not come out then?”
“No, he’s not come out, Carson! From the way he was yowling earlier, I’d say we’ve got some time to kill.”
Carson shot him a look that was both contrite and irritated, but stomped off.
While Carson was gone, Rodney thought ahead a little. Teyla and Ronon were probably not done with scraping the mud off themselves. He touched his radio and called Radek.
“I have a favor to ask,” he said, coming right to the point.
“How is...is everyone all right?”
“Colonel Sheppard is a cat, if you could describe that as all right. He doesn’t seem to think so. Teyla and Ronon have hit the showers and I don’t know how long it’s going to take to coax him out of where they’ve terrified him into hiding.”
Zelenka swore in Czech, then said, “Poor bastard. He is what, a housecat? Is he aware of what is going on?”
“Yes and yes, I think so. So, hopefully, Carson’s letting me use a laptop. I’m going to send you a list of things I think Sheppard will need and send Teyla and Ronon to you for scavenger duty. Could you drop my laptop by my room when you have a chance?”
“Not a problem, Rodney. I take it that this is not for general consumption yet.”
“No. I’m sure Elizabeth is thinking up some way to say, ‘The Colonel is a kitty cat.’ Ronon and Teyla have information about what happened and seem to think that there is an Ancient component to his transformation. Word is, he’s going to be like this for awhile.”
“I am on it, Rodney,” Radek said kindly. “Give my best to Colonel Sheppard.”
Rodney swallowed hard and said tightly, “Yes. McKay out.”
He breathed deeply several times and keyed his radio again. “Elizabeth?”
“Rodney, how is John?”
“Still in the cabinet. Not to step on your toes, but you’ve informed Major Lorne?”
“Yes.”
“Good, good. I can tell Sheppard not to worry about that. I’ve drafted Radek to help me get a few things together for him and am about to ask Teyla and Ronon to brief him on the situation, with your permission? I don’t know how long I’m going to be with John, and I’d like to get started on making that month shorter. Maybe there’s something in the database that could help you tomorrow.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you. Mc-“
“Rodney?” Elizabeth broke in, her voice hesitant. “I was thinking. John likes turkey.”
Rodney closed his eyes. “Yes, he does.”
“I’ll tell the mess to provide you with whatever you need.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Rodney,” she said, warmth creeping into her voice. “Weir out.”
He stood there for a few moments, struggling with the whole awful mess. He sniffed, wiped his eyes and hollered, “Carson? Are you making me a computer?”
~~~
Carson supplied - finally - a laptop, mouth swabs, some water and a cup of coffee for Rodney. Rodney set the beaker of water about two feet from John’s position, then pulled the pillow off the gurney and settled in. First thing he did was send an email off to Radek. Then he called Teyla and Ronon and set them in motion.
He glanced over at the cabinet in his peripheral vision. He could just see one black paw dangling over the edge of John’s hiding space.
“Okay,” Rodney addressed his computer. “Lorne has temporarily assumed command, so we won't have to worry about that until Caldwell shows up to posture in three weeks. I’ve got Radek working on the databases and in case you didn’t hear Elizabeth, she’s going to visit the Gata tomorrow to find out a little more about the spirit animal ceremony.” He paused. “Spirit animal? Really?”
“Marowh,” John said huffily. His tail thumped against the metal floor of his cave. Rodney looked up. John was sprawled in the doorway of the storage space, half-visible.
“I’m just saying.”
John sighed and put his head on his paws.
“Oh, and if we’re lucky, there will be turkey for dinner.”
John met his eyes speculatively.
Rodney continued to play solitaire (about the only thing he had the concentration for right now) and listened to John make small, uncomfortable, grumbling noises as his tail thumped rhythmically. He licked his paw several times and sighed again.
Rodney stretched out on his stomach and wiggled into a comfortable position. He just happened to turn so he wasn’t watching John.
Two games later, something brushed his shoulder. He turned his head and looked into familiarly-colored eyes.
“Hey.”
“Mow,” John said forlornly, his head drooping as he looked up at Rodney.
“So, your day sucked, hm?”
John huddled along his side. Rodney could feel John’s tail curl over his back.
Rodney played his card game idly, blinking rapidly as John carefully sniffed his shoulder, his ear, his fingers, the computer and then wandered off to drink some water from the cup. He drank deeply and Rodney congratulated himself on the good call.
He was a beautiful cat, despite a few small patches of dried mud that had not come off during the infirmary melee. All black, what a surprise, long lines and slinky, also what a surprise and his eyes were an uncatlike greenish hazel. Rodney shook his head at his weird, weird life and stared blindly at the computer screen.
John sprawled on the floor next to him, leaning against his forearm. He looked up at Rodney, his muzzle dewed with tiny drops of water.
“Mow?” he asked and licked his lips lazily.
Rodney grinned, his eyes stinging, trying not to hope for too much. “I want you to meow once for prime and twice for not prime. 1277.”
“Mow.”
“3324”
“Mow oww,” John shifted his paws and tried again. “Mow,” he had to stop and swallow. “Mow.” He sighed.
“No, you’re doing great.”
“48131”
“Mow,” John replied immediately.
“67289.”
“Mow.”
“431”
“Mow!” John stood up.
“61.”
“Mow.” John whined, butting Rodney’s shoulder with his head.
“104678.”
“Mow. Mow.” His whiskers were practically vibrating with excitement.
“Sheppard?” Rodney’s voice cracked horribly. He looked at his hands a long moment, breathing deeply.
Purring, John butted him in the shoulder again. "Maarp?"
Rodney looked over to find Sheppard looking earnestly into his face. “You’re a cat. I find that a little upsetting! But evidently you have a nice chunk of higher brain function intact, thank goodness. That’s my initial hypothesis.”
John looked at him flatly and his ears twitched.
“Well, it’s not like we can discuss it! I’m trying to get my head around this! Do you realize - and I think they are fabulous animals and much smarter than people give them credit for - how much smaller a cat’s brain capacity is than a human’s?”
Primly, John sat and twitched one ear at him. It stayed twitched.
Rodney scrubbed at his face. “I’m not that worried, because, you know, neurology voodoo. But. We’ve got to get a cell sample for Carson.”
“Maaaarrrowr,” John growled ominously, both ears back.
“No, listen, it’s just the swab thing. Two seconds. “
John slitted his eyes and stayed motionless, except for the very tip of his tail.
“I’ll just get it.” He got up, patted his pockets and wandered over to the gurney, wondering where he put it. John hopped on the table a second later.
“Oh, that’s got to be cool.”
John twitched his ears again. “Maaaaaa,” he ventured casually. Rodney snorted.
They got the cell sample with a minimum of fuss, though John made all sorts of smacking noises like it tasted bad. He also allowed Rodney to dust most of the mud off his fur, leaning tentatively into his hands while the tip of his tail twitched like he couldn’t decide whether he should like it or not.
“Maybe we can get a brush or something for the rest of that or a shower if that doesn’t bother you. You ready? My quarters once, your quarters twice.”
John shifted his paws nervously, kneading the gurney. “Mow?”
“It’s no problem. I mean, I can be either place if you want help.”
John paced back and forth across the gurney for a few turns, then looked up at Rodney. “Mow. Mow."
“Your place it is.” He keyed his radio. “Radek?”
“Yes, Rodney.”
“We will be dining tonight at Chez Sheppard.”
“Understood. Are you leaving infirmary now?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Everything is in place but food. I will have tray made up for you as well.”
“Excellent.” He paused, awkwardly. “Radek?”
“Is no problem. You owe me big for inventing Pegasus kitty litter. Zelenka out.”
Rodney looked down at John and cleared his throat. “Ride or walk? Before you answer, I’m going to remind you what big feet your marines have. And that everyone from your perspective is Godzilla-sized.”
John walked stiffly over to Rodney. He sat in front of him, his tail curled tightly around his body, radiating embarrassment.
“No, wait, see, I think you’ll like this.” He squatted down until his shoulders were on a level with the gurney. “Climb up.” He curled one hand around John’s back to brace him, and steeled himself. “You’re going to have to use your claws a little, but go on.”
John carefully put his paws on Rodney’s shoulder and wound around the back of his neck. Rodney bent head forward to let him get situated, then stood, one hand still on John’s hindquarters.
John’s purr was a rumbling, rusty thing and soft fur brushed Rodney’s cheek. He turned his head carefully to look at John out of the corner of his eye. John snuffled at his temple and cheek, his whiskers tickling.
“Ready?”
He touched Rodney's face with a soft paw, leaned into him and resumed purring.
Rodney reached his free hand around to stroke John’s neck, his heart suddenly, painfully, full. “You’re welcome.”
Pairing: McShep, pre-slash.
Rating: For all audiences
Warnings: Cat crack!fic
Spoilers: None, realy
Summary: A catastrophe occurs. (I know, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.)
Chronologically, the first part of the Checkmate 'Verse.
Teaser:
“Carson,” Rodney gritted out between his teeth. “Where is Sheppard?”
“Under here,” the other white coat - a woman - said. “We can’t seem to get him out.”
“Morrrrow,” Sheppard stated.
Rodney smiled grimly. “It sounds like he wants to stay put, Doctor…”
She glared at him. “Vasha. Xenobiology and veternarian?”
“I take it,” he said stiffly, “John's a new sort of animal and you’ve done something horrible to frighten him.”
~~~~~~~
“Rodney,” Carson’s voice in his ear was rushed and frazzled. “Could you please report to the infirmary immediately?”
“Carson?” Rodney could feel the blood drain from his face. He swiveled in his chair and looked wide-eyed at Radek. “Are they back? I was working…what’s wrong?”
“Everyone’s…” there was a weird howling noise and a clatter. “Fine. It’s just…bloody hell!” the transmission went dead.
“It sounds like they have a wild animal in the infirmary.” Rodney said, panic rising. “And they want me there. Did you hear the gate activate?”
“No, but we did have on earplugs on the better part of the last hour.” Radek gave him a reassuring nod. “Go, Rodney. I will try not to blow up lab while you are gone.”
“Ha,” Rodney replied distractedly, grabbing his jacket.
~~~
Harried-looking nurses pointed Rodney to one of the more private areas of the infirmary where Carson usually put overnight guests. He rounded the corner and stopped, stunned. The place was a wreck. Chairs overturned, stuff scattered all over the floor and a surprising amount of dirt. It was like a localized tornado had gone through.
“Rodney,” Teyla said gratefully, “Thank you for coming.” She was covered in mud down her front and had scratches all over her hands. Ronon stood behind her looking torn up. Actually torn up. His shirt was covered in gaping rents, his arms with scratches and even his dreads looked a little raggedy. He, like Teyla, sported a good deal of mud and about a half a shrub’s worth of leaves in his hair.
“Oh my god, what happened to you? Where’s Sheppard?”
A long, wailing moan came from somewhere near the supply chest. Ronon and Teyla flinched.
“You have to be kidding me,” Rodney breathed, disbelieving. “Again?”
“Not exactly,” Teyla replied cautiously.
Rodney glared at her and charged to the back of the alcove. Carson and another white-coated person were bending over, making kissy noises at something underneath the equipment. Elizabeth was standing well out of the way, arms crossed tight and frowning.
“Rodney,” she said, letting out a long, relieved, sigh.
“Yes, yes, the cavalry’s here. Where is he?”
“Rodney.” Carson stood, his shoulders drooping. “Thank god.”
“Carson,” Rodney gritted out between his teeth. “Where is Sheppard?”
“Under here,” the other white coat - a woman - said. “We can’t seem to get him out.”
“Moorrrrow,” Sheppard stated.
Rodney smiled grimly. “It sounds like he wants to stay put, Doctor…”
She glared at him. “Vasha. Xenobiology and veternarian?”
“I take it,” he said stiffly, “John's a new sort of animal and you’ve done something horrible to frighten him.”
Dr. Vasha opened her mouth to take umbrage, but Carson held up a gentling hand.
“He’s a cat,” Carson said, resigned. “From what we can tell, an Earth-style domestic shorthair. And we were just going to get a wee bit of blood.”
“Did you tell him that’s what you were doing?”
“Yes, of course we did, we got the clippers out and…”
Rodney held up a hand. “Oh, for...clippers.”
“He got a bit stroppy,” Carson finished sheepishly, rubbing his bandaged hand. Rodney felt savagely pleased about that.
He inhaled deeply, planted his feet and crossed his arms. “Let me get this straight. Our military commander, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard has been turned, once again, into something not human. I am his medical proxy in the event that he is unable to communicate his wishes. In fact, he gave me quite detailed instructions in the event that something this horrifying ever happened to him again. You knew that.”
“Rodney, I - “
“Pick one. Pick whether you treat him like an animal or treat him like your friend who cannot communicate his wishes clearly.”
“Rodney,” Carson’s brogue got thicker.
“You tried to shave his neck. To take blood, didn’t you?”
“That’s standard procedure,” Dr. Vasha said.
“Yes, thank you, never would have known that, as a long-time cat owner. You could have -not that you needed to - taken it from his forearm, and not go for his neck with clippers and a needle.”
"But it's less..."
"Trouble for you yes, I know. Good call."
“I gave them the go-ahead Rodney,” Elizabeth said quietly.
“You had no right.”
Elizabeth lifted her chin stubbornly. "I'm his friend, too."
"Obviously not the type that follows his legally-filed wishes."
She looked down at the floor, obviously stung.
“Well, now," Rodney clapped his hands. "Thank you for playing 'Scare the Cat'. Now beat it.”
“Rodney!” Carson said, shocked.
“I believe everyone was doing what they thought best,” Teyla said quietly behind him.
“Well, fat lot of help that was!” Rodney spat. “Obviously, he’s angry and scared. You tried to shave his neck? Where his Iratus scar is? I’m sure your little buzzing clipper’s going to feel great against his scar tissue! Not to mention holding him still and using sharp objects on him where he can't see. Can't think of why he wasn't all for that. And you tried to shave his hair. His hair? That hair is his offspring or something.”
From across the room, John let out an indignant squawk. “Mrowr!”
“Oh, please, it's practically sentient,” Rodney addressed the corner of the room. “I don’t think that in any form, John Sheppard would sanction messing with The Hair. So tell me, did all of you wake up brainless this morning, because honestly, I can’t think of another reason to make such a boneheaded call!”
“We need to know how much of him is still in there!” Elizabeth said angrily.
“And his blood is going to tell us that, how?” Rodney held up a finger to forestall any arguments. “Also? Had you been paying attention, Colonel Sheppard seems to be following the conversation, so my gracious, how about talking to him? But, tests. Can we get the information on his DNA in another way, yes, yes we can. Epithelial cells. Give me a Q-tip, get out of here, and maybe I can get him to come out. If I can talk him into giving me a sample, fine, I’ll leave it on the end of the gurney. Otherwise, I’m taking him out of here so he can calm down. Okay? Now shoo.”
“As loath as I am to be kicked out of my own infirmary, I certainly don’t have his trust at the moment.” He gave Rodney a resigned look. “My apologies, Rodney. I should have called you.
“Apologizing to me is so not the point.”
“Yes, well. Could you bring him tomorrow so we can test his mental faculties?”
“I plan on doing some of that tonight, so I will ask him then.”
Carson nodded, and taking Dr. Vasha by the arm, walked out.
Rodney turned to Teyla and Ronon. “What happened?” he said plaintively. “You guys knew about the proxy! God, I miss one mission and you forget about me?”
“That is not it at all, Rodney,” Teyla said, brushing a leaf off her cheek. “I am sorry. It was very…John was very upset, I think because of his previous experience with the Iratus. He had not had time to process his new situation and was startled by a loud noise. He was frightened and ran.”
“Lots of noise and yelling,” Ronon added. “And, we might have treated him like he was a cat, I think. It got pretty wild.”
Rodney rubbed his brows with one hand. “So, you had to run him down and catch him? How did you get him back here?”
“Yes,” Teyla said guiltily. “We had to borrow a sturdy basket, so that we could transport him back to Atlantis. He would not let us hold him.”
“Did either of you ever have any pets?” Teyla and Ronon looked stricken. “Never mind, we can talk about it later. I’m going to go - “ he pointed a thumb behind him.
“Rodney, please know we were so anxious to retrieve him because we feared he would run into the deep woods,” Teyla said.
“Predators,” Ronon clarified. Rodney shuddered and covered his eyes with both hands, trying not to imagine it.
Teyla put her hand on his shoulder. “Let us know what happens?” Teyla asked in parting.
“If there’s anything we can do,” Ronon added.
Rodney heaved a sigh. “As soon as I know what that is,” he agreed. When he turned around Elizabeth was standing behind him.
“If you don’t mind, Elizabeth? I’m going to go check on my traumatized best friend.”
“Rodney -“
“Elizabeth, most of the time I have the utmost respect for you, I really do, but sometimes you have a slightly terrifying ends justifying the means streak that scares me about as much as Sheppard's hero complex. Not to mention the odd individual's rights violation. I just want to see him, okay? If I can. And I don’t think he’ll come out unless he thinks it’s safe.”
She looked at him for a long time, pain,guilt and determination on her face. “If he is in there, Rodney, the Gata said he could be like this for a month.”
“Oh,” Rodney said lightly, “Well, at least it’s not permanent. Energy beam? Wacky Ancient toy? Witchcraft?”
Elizabeth gave him a grimacing smile. “Spirit animal ceremony, with possible Ancient device component. John’s ATA gene evidently maximizes the effect. Teyla and Ronon got as much information as they could, and we’ll be sending a team in the morning, which I will be joining.” She, too, touched him on the shoulder.
Once he was alone, Rodney pulled the curtain and rolled his shoulders a few times. He shook out his hands and fingers and cautiously walked toward Sheppard’s last known location.
“Sheppard? It’s me.”
“Aowr,” said a tiny, sad voice.
Rodney knelt on the floor about five feet from the equipment John was hiding in or under and peeked into a storage compartment with a sliding door. He could just make out a furry face peering back at him.
“Hey, there,” he said softly. “Good spot.”
“Meeeer!” John said.
“Don’t yell at me, I got here as soon as they called me.” Rodney knelt on the floor, well away from the machine. John continued to peer at him.
“What did you do to Teyla and Ronon?” he asked conspiratorially. “They look like they’ve been though a tiny wood chipper.”
“Mow. Mow ow.” John complained.
“I'm sure they deserved it at the time. Jesus, Sheppard. You turn into the one animal I know something about and I wasn’t there,” Rodney berated himself.
John looked at him miserably and sighed.
“Listen,” Rodney said, keeping his voice soft. “I’m going to get something to read and maybe some water for you. We'll just sit here until you feel like coming out.” He got up and walked out of the alcove. Carson was hovering just outside.
“Carson, this isn’t going to work if he can still smell you nearby.”
Carson wrung his hands. “I’m afraid we didn’t keep our heads very well, earlier.”
“Oh, really?” Rodney asked, full of heavy sarcasm. “And I realize how ironic this is coming from me, you can’t just bulldoze over people, or cats who were people. And you shouldn’t let Elizabeth push you around like that. Now, may I have some water for John? Got anything that needs fixing?”
“What?”
“Something I can focus on, tinker with. Or, or, a magazine or, oooh, laptop. Something so I’m not just staring at him, waiting.”
“He’s not come out then?”
“No, he’s not come out, Carson! From the way he was yowling earlier, I’d say we’ve got some time to kill.”
Carson shot him a look that was both contrite and irritated, but stomped off.
While Carson was gone, Rodney thought ahead a little. Teyla and Ronon were probably not done with scraping the mud off themselves. He touched his radio and called Radek.
“I have a favor to ask,” he said, coming right to the point.
“How is...is everyone all right?”
“Colonel Sheppard is a cat, if you could describe that as all right. He doesn’t seem to think so. Teyla and Ronon have hit the showers and I don’t know how long it’s going to take to coax him out of where they’ve terrified him into hiding.”
Zelenka swore in Czech, then said, “Poor bastard. He is what, a housecat? Is he aware of what is going on?”
“Yes and yes, I think so. So, hopefully, Carson’s letting me use a laptop. I’m going to send you a list of things I think Sheppard will need and send Teyla and Ronon to you for scavenger duty. Could you drop my laptop by my room when you have a chance?”
“Not a problem, Rodney. I take it that this is not for general consumption yet.”
“No. I’m sure Elizabeth is thinking up some way to say, ‘The Colonel is a kitty cat.’ Ronon and Teyla have information about what happened and seem to think that there is an Ancient component to his transformation. Word is, he’s going to be like this for awhile.”
“I am on it, Rodney,” Radek said kindly. “Give my best to Colonel Sheppard.”
Rodney swallowed hard and said tightly, “Yes. McKay out.”
He breathed deeply several times and keyed his radio again. “Elizabeth?”
“Rodney, how is John?”
“Still in the cabinet. Not to step on your toes, but you’ve informed Major Lorne?”
“Yes.”
“Good, good. I can tell Sheppard not to worry about that. I’ve drafted Radek to help me get a few things together for him and am about to ask Teyla and Ronon to brief him on the situation, with your permission? I don’t know how long I’m going to be with John, and I’d like to get started on making that month shorter. Maybe there’s something in the database that could help you tomorrow.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you. Mc-“
“Rodney?” Elizabeth broke in, her voice hesitant. “I was thinking. John likes turkey.”
Rodney closed his eyes. “Yes, he does.”
“I’ll tell the mess to provide you with whatever you need.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Rodney,” she said, warmth creeping into her voice. “Weir out.”
He stood there for a few moments, struggling with the whole awful mess. He sniffed, wiped his eyes and hollered, “Carson? Are you making me a computer?”
~~~
Carson supplied - finally - a laptop, mouth swabs, some water and a cup of coffee for Rodney. Rodney set the beaker of water about two feet from John’s position, then pulled the pillow off the gurney and settled in. First thing he did was send an email off to Radek. Then he called Teyla and Ronon and set them in motion.
He glanced over at the cabinet in his peripheral vision. He could just see one black paw dangling over the edge of John’s hiding space.
“Okay,” Rodney addressed his computer. “Lorne has temporarily assumed command, so we won't have to worry about that until Caldwell shows up to posture in three weeks. I’ve got Radek working on the databases and in case you didn’t hear Elizabeth, she’s going to visit the Gata tomorrow to find out a little more about the spirit animal ceremony.” He paused. “Spirit animal? Really?”
“Marowh,” John said huffily. His tail thumped against the metal floor of his cave. Rodney looked up. John was sprawled in the doorway of the storage space, half-visible.
“I’m just saying.”
John sighed and put his head on his paws.
“Oh, and if we’re lucky, there will be turkey for dinner.”
John met his eyes speculatively.
Rodney continued to play solitaire (about the only thing he had the concentration for right now) and listened to John make small, uncomfortable, grumbling noises as his tail thumped rhythmically. He licked his paw several times and sighed again.
Rodney stretched out on his stomach and wiggled into a comfortable position. He just happened to turn so he wasn’t watching John.
Two games later, something brushed his shoulder. He turned his head and looked into familiarly-colored eyes.
“Hey.”
“Mow,” John said forlornly, his head drooping as he looked up at Rodney.
“So, your day sucked, hm?”
John huddled along his side. Rodney could feel John’s tail curl over his back.
Rodney played his card game idly, blinking rapidly as John carefully sniffed his shoulder, his ear, his fingers, the computer and then wandered off to drink some water from the cup. He drank deeply and Rodney congratulated himself on the good call.
He was a beautiful cat, despite a few small patches of dried mud that had not come off during the infirmary melee. All black, what a surprise, long lines and slinky, also what a surprise and his eyes were an uncatlike greenish hazel. Rodney shook his head at his weird, weird life and stared blindly at the computer screen.
John sprawled on the floor next to him, leaning against his forearm. He looked up at Rodney, his muzzle dewed with tiny drops of water.
“Mow?” he asked and licked his lips lazily.
Rodney grinned, his eyes stinging, trying not to hope for too much. “I want you to meow once for prime and twice for not prime. 1277.”
“Mow.”
“3324”
“Mow oww,” John shifted his paws and tried again. “Mow,” he had to stop and swallow. “Mow.” He sighed.
“No, you’re doing great.”
“48131”
“Mow,” John replied immediately.
“67289.”
“Mow.”
“431”
“Mow!” John stood up.
“61.”
“Mow.” John whined, butting Rodney’s shoulder with his head.
“104678.”
“Mow. Mow.” His whiskers were practically vibrating with excitement.
“Sheppard?” Rodney’s voice cracked horribly. He looked at his hands a long moment, breathing deeply.
Purring, John butted him in the shoulder again. "Maarp?"
Rodney looked over to find Sheppard looking earnestly into his face. “You’re a cat. I find that a little upsetting! But evidently you have a nice chunk of higher brain function intact, thank goodness. That’s my initial hypothesis.”
John looked at him flatly and his ears twitched.
“Well, it’s not like we can discuss it! I’m trying to get my head around this! Do you realize - and I think they are fabulous animals and much smarter than people give them credit for - how much smaller a cat’s brain capacity is than a human’s?”
Primly, John sat and twitched one ear at him. It stayed twitched.
Rodney scrubbed at his face. “I’m not that worried, because, you know, neurology voodoo. But. We’ve got to get a cell sample for Carson.”
“Maaaarrrowr,” John growled ominously, both ears back.
“No, listen, it’s just the swab thing. Two seconds. “
John slitted his eyes and stayed motionless, except for the very tip of his tail.
“I’ll just get it.” He got up, patted his pockets and wandered over to the gurney, wondering where he put it. John hopped on the table a second later.
“Oh, that’s got to be cool.”
John twitched his ears again. “Maaaaaa,” he ventured casually. Rodney snorted.
They got the cell sample with a minimum of fuss, though John made all sorts of smacking noises like it tasted bad. He also allowed Rodney to dust most of the mud off his fur, leaning tentatively into his hands while the tip of his tail twitched like he couldn’t decide whether he should like it or not.
“Maybe we can get a brush or something for the rest of that or a shower if that doesn’t bother you. You ready? My quarters once, your quarters twice.”
John shifted his paws nervously, kneading the gurney. “Mow?”
“It’s no problem. I mean, I can be either place if you want help.”
John paced back and forth across the gurney for a few turns, then looked up at Rodney. “Mow. Mow."
“Your place it is.” He keyed his radio. “Radek?”
“Yes, Rodney.”
“We will be dining tonight at Chez Sheppard.”
“Understood. Are you leaving infirmary now?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Everything is in place but food. I will have tray made up for you as well.”
“Excellent.” He paused, awkwardly. “Radek?”
“Is no problem. You owe me big for inventing Pegasus kitty litter. Zelenka out.”
Rodney looked down at John and cleared his throat. “Ride or walk? Before you answer, I’m going to remind you what big feet your marines have. And that everyone from your perspective is Godzilla-sized.”
John walked stiffly over to Rodney. He sat in front of him, his tail curled tightly around his body, radiating embarrassment.
“No, wait, see, I think you’ll like this.” He squatted down until his shoulders were on a level with the gurney. “Climb up.” He curled one hand around John’s back to brace him, and steeled himself. “You’re going to have to use your claws a little, but go on.”
John carefully put his paws on Rodney’s shoulder and wound around the back of his neck. Rodney bent head forward to let him get situated, then stood, one hand still on John’s hindquarters.
John’s purr was a rumbling, rusty thing and soft fur brushed Rodney’s cheek. He turned his head carefully to look at John out of the corner of his eye. John snuffled at his temple and cheek, his whiskers tickling.
“Ready?”
He touched Rodney's face with a soft paw, leaned into him and resumed purring.
Rodney reached his free hand around to stroke John’s neck, his heart suddenly, painfully, full. “You’re welcome.”