distilled unwavering: 7/39
Title: Fall from impulsive (Or: lunchroom shenanigans and other high school tales)
Summary: A lot can happen in the time they have left here in high school. (a/b/o au; krisho)
word count: 9,600 words
a/n: hello, and look at these backdated entries from hell. the current date is actually march 26 (of 2016).
anyway, ah hey here's that discussion of manipulation I promised forever ago. hope I handled it thoroughly and gracefully, but if not let me know and I will try to continue to address it further in following chapters. I'm concentrating on updating slowly when I can, but I'm not re-reading and editing as thoroughly as I should be, so I hope I don't mess up too badly -- but if I do please forgive me? a lot of nitty gritty details changed as I fleshed things out, but we're just trying to reach the end. also chapter lengths are going to vary wildly but should inevitably shorten down again? I don't predict every chapter to break 6-7+k in the future.
oh! probably very late, but just so you know I don't condemn any and all other a/b/o fic or anything. everyone's just having a good time writing fic and playing in their sandboxes and I respect that. this was just an experiment that got too big for me and now I'm paying the price. also another late but obligatory disclaimer that nothing that happens in this story is meant to be idk commentary on real life and members' departures. as you know, this fic has been a ridiculous endeavor that I planned like 2 years ago by this point (I started around the time of the '14 Japanese fanmeet because of course I did), but anyway I'm not the kind of person who likes to deal with sadness and pessimism in reality or fiction, so there's also that.
and this is now officially going to be on ao3 too! I'll be updating this thing simultaneously on both sites, so choose whichever you like better. I'm going to be trying my best to finish this story, and I'm going to keep trying the best I can for as long as I'm able. Thanks if you decide to read this at all!
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faq post
+++
Figuring out how to clean up the messy aftermath is a huge pain. There's not a lot of ways to get emergency contraception without getting an adult involved, and Yifan's not about to risk frankly anything involved with this up to chance.
That being said...well, Yifan would hate to put someone else in an uncomfortable position, but Tao’s parents own and run a pharmacy. Growing up they’ve all made full use of the serendipitous benefits of the occasional free treats and even a contraband pack of cigarettes here and there. Usually it's not a huge deal, but clearly this isn't an ice cream bar or a pack of gum he needs here. Yifan will do what he has to do, and if Tao's parents want him to tell his mom he will. It's just he'd like to exhaust all his other options before wholly disappointing his mother.
“I need you to come with me after school to uh. The pharmacy.” Yifan mumbles, trying to will Tao to understand what he’s hinting at here without actually explicitly saying anything at all damning. It's before lunch and Yifan's made sure to catch Tao at his locker beforehand, because Tao can't always be held accountable to not immediately if not accidentally overshare -- he’s emotional. He’s very in the moment. Yifan -- is sure that in a true emergency situation Tao could be trusted to keep an important secret, honestly he is -- but he'd rather be safe than sorry. Technically he doesn't have to tell Tao, but it's a huge favor to ask of someone else's parents and Yifan can't even imagine how he would even begin to approach a request like this on his own.
Unfortunately Tao predictably does not pick up on the silent pleadings Yifan's sending his way, seeing how they are silent and also how Tao is simply more focused on trading his books out of his locker and shouldering his bag. Tao starts to make his way for the cafeteria, and lifts an eyebrow when Yifan lingers, so he has no choice but to follow. “The pharmacy? Why? I have practice right after school, you know that. And I kind of can’t just blow it off today.”
"Ah...that's fine then?" No it's not. Why did he say that? It's not fine, he at the very least needs Tao to call his parents and give them and heads up about Yifan's predicament, because there's no way he can breach the topic all on his own.
But unfortunately Yifan isn't sure what else to say. He's had all morning to work on this -- all yesterday night too -- and yet he's still silently letting Tao just usher him along, telling some convoluted story involving sign language class being boring and Tao texting apparently half the world and updating his instagram about twelve times with covert videos of fellow classmates falling asleep.
"Zhou Mi actually took time out of his so called busy college schedule to let me know my life is boring and tragic," Tao says. "Even though I know for a fact he doesn't have class before 10 am....he was probably texting me from his bed!"
"Um that's...so interesting, Tao, but..." Yifan is running out of time to work this out. They're passing into the threshold of the cafeteria, and he can see their designated table off in the distance.
Tao sighs. "I know it's not really. My life kind of is boring and tragic, it's depressing. Anything interesting happen with you lately?"
Yes, actually. "No," he says as stoically as he can manage.
So when the two of them sit down at the lunch table together, Yifan has officially made no progress on this very important matter. That's okay, he tells himself as he focuses on his sandwich. He's still got some time to work this out. There's the rest of school day to get this done.
"Hey there," Jongdae says, the first to greet them besides Yixing waving at them as he sips his juice. From what Yifan can tell upon their arrival, lunch is already shaping up to be a pretty typical affair: Baekhyun's emphatically telling some story, Kyungsoo's dutifully enduring a cracking up Chanyeol hanging off of him (though Yifan sees Kyungsoo smiling slightly every now and then too at whatever Baekhyun’s saying), Yixing is flipping through some kind of homework for something, and Jongdae is clearly welcoming them to the fold. "What's up?"
Tao sits next to Kyungsoo, and Yifan next to him and across from Yixing. "Less than nothing," Tao says cheerily from beside Yifan. "How about you?"
From the tidbits floating down from Baekhyun's end of the table, Yifan thinks there was some kind of incident in the student parking bay this morning, but it's hard to tell what's just embellishment on Baekhyun's part, halfway into his story. Jongdae shrugs tellingly, then nods at Baekhyun.
Everything’s normal. Practically anyway. Yifan pokes at his sandwich bread tentatively before taking a bite. He doesn't feel normal, though. Instead he feels like he's got some huge telltale sign on him that'll give him away any second now, but he reminds himself to act normal. Just act normal and everything will be fine. "So we're just letting Baekhyun regale us on the dramatics of his life, huh?"
Kyungsoo, who apparently has finally grown sick of Chanyeol clinging off him and shakes him off to turn towards their end of the table, says, "Basically yes."
Tao laughs at the way Baekhyun pauses long enough make a face at Kyungsoo's back. It's long enough for Jongdae to lean forwards on the table to throw in some asinine remark that Yifan doesn't quite catch -- and probably wouldn't have understood even if he had -- and it sets Chanyeol off talking all fast and excited about something concerning their shared gym class. Yifan turns his attention to a conversation he can actually keep up with.
"How's your articles journal for government class going?" Kyungsoo is asking Tao.
Tao shrugs. "Uh? I was going to have Junmyeon help me out. When is that due anyway?"
"Soon," Yixing tells him. "I'm guessing your journal is...?"
Yifan remembers Sehun being totally surprised when he saw Junmyeon's early completed project when they were swapping notes the other day, to the point of asking them what is that?. Based on that... "Let me guess," Yifan mumbles. "You've barely started?"
Tao waves a hand, unaffected. "I've got more done than Sehun."
It would be more impressive to have less than Sehun done, seeing as he didn't even know of the journal's existence let alone deadline until maybe two weeks ago. "Yeah that's...." Kyungsoo says, trailing off tellingly.
Tao makes a face. "Whatever, I'll get it done."
Yixing nods calmly. "I'm sure you will. Feel free to ask for help."
Yifan nods too. "I'm almost done, so if you need supplies let me know." Yifan has leftover stock paper and stuff, courtesy of Junmyeon's over-preparedness. They had made a date night of scrapbooking articles for class, seeing as his mom had still been kind of wary about the two of them meeting up alone together -- which. Well, haha, turned out to be for good reason, Yifan thinks to himself.
Tao grins. "Of course." There's a moment of silence as he finally starts eyeing his salad, before he makes a slight noise of remembrance. "Oh hey," Tao says lightly. "I forgot to ask earlier -- Yifan, what did you even need to go to my parents' for anyway?"
Yifan looks up from his sandwich, taken aback at the sudden change in topic. He may have messed up, earlier, not taking the plunge and explaining all the way through. "...Uh. Huh?"
Tao waves his hand. "No it's just, I mean, if it's important or something I obviously don't actually care more about being on time at the training hall if you need my help with something else."
Yifan has no clue how to disengage this conversation. He's made a terrible mistake. "No, Tao, don't worry about it. It's not important, promise."
From the way Tao and Kyungsoo look at him with varying degrees of disbelief, Yifan knows it's not convincing. At least, he thinks in consolation, the others, the ones he really has to be worried about, are still wrapped up in their own conversation about gym.
This blessing doesn’t fully hold up though. Jongdae, always the best at balancing multiple conversations -- evidenced by how he’s now actually messing around on his phone on top of bouncing between two conversations -- chimes in quickly. "Wait, what's going on?" He looks at Yifan with wide, worried eyes. "Tao’s parents' pharmacy? Is our basketball team's sole hope getting sick?"
Yifan frowns. Maybe...he can work with this. Misdirection is his only defense, since he already shot himself in the foot concerning secrecy. But he can’t fake being sick when he’s not. “Shut up, I'm not the sole hope.”
Yixing looks him over carefully. “Are you getting sick, though?”
“No, I just…” He can’t think of a way to actually deflect and misdirect, though. He’ll just deny, de-emphasize, and deny some more. That’s gotta work -- it just has to. “It's nothing.”
Tao nods to Yifan next to him, now zeroing in on picking through his salad and picking out all the croutons to eat first. "Yeah, but you were asking and -- "
Yifan knows cutting Tao off isn't optimal for acting normal, but he can't help it. "It's nothing, it's fine. I mean..." He chooses to mumble into his sandwich. "It's not a big deal."
Now Chanyeol is latching onto to the conversation -- which has Baekhyun turning to their end of the table too, finally -- and he’s raising an eyebrow, not saying anything but pausing in raising his soda can to his lips, eyes questioning. Yifan shakes his head at Chanyeol, and then Baekhyun, and he repeats calmly, “I'm not getting sick, everyone.
"Okay then?” Tao says nibbling on his crouton and not nearly as invested in this conversation as everyone else. “If you're sure?"
Kyungsoo is frowning at Yifan, not as convinced, but Yifan tries to stay very very still and look as nonchalant as possible. “Yes, I'm sure.”
Baekhyun snorts out something, but he's taken a huge bite of pasta and it's mostly unintelligible (which is probably for the best).
Tao pops a half-eaten crouton into his mouth before looking sidelong at Yifan, raising an eyebrow. "Don’t do your version of biting my head off, geez. I’m only checking because it's not like you usually make a habit of asking me for favors."
Yeah see, here's that accidental oversharing thing Yifan was worried about. "Sorry, I’m not...trying to bite anyone’s head off.” He’s just on edge and trying to play it off that he’s not. “But seriously, don’t worry."
Baekhyun snickers. That’s...probably not good. "You know, with how you're trying to avoid answering the question I have a few guesses about what it is you need from the pharmacy -- " And he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.
Yifan does cut Baekhyun off will no hesitation. "I know it's hard for you, but please don't be this way."
Baekhyun looks taken aback. "Don’t be what way? Observant? Not willing to sit through your Virgin Mary act? Listen, Yifan, if you finally wanna bone Junmyeon that's fine -- "
"Wait, hold up. Please," Chanyeol says, setting down his soda in distaste. "I am trying to eat. I don't want to have a conversation about their sex life right now."
Tao hums, and idly throws a mini tomato at Yifan. "Aren't you only barely on parole with your mom, also? Sounds a little more daring than your usual." Yifan tries not to color at that as he thinks about how much more daring the whole thing really is.
Yixing nods, a concerned look on his face. Yifan realizes they can never ever know what’s actually transpired, if he can help it. "Your mom is no joke. I would wait a second for the dust to settle, if I were you."
"I second that motion," Jongdae says, raising his hand unnecessarily. He looks down at his phone. “Mm, Liyin says hi, by the way, all.”
“Hi Liyin,” Tao says, before waving a finger at Yifan. “And the common consensus says: down Yifan.”
"Well, I second the motion put forward by Chanyeol to have a completely different conversation right now." Yifan grumbles.
"Here here!' Chanyeol shouts with a grin.
Baekhyun shrugs and ignores Chanyeol. "Yeah yeah, whatever, like you and Junmyeon are actually ever going to go all the way. Knowing you, you're just hem-hawing over being prepared for the impossible, non-inevitable of you having sex. Not that I’m not all for having spare condoms on hand just in case, but..."
Yifan frowns and blinks slowly, confused but also getting the distinct impression that he’s just been insulted. Kyungsoo's the one to say, “What you just said almost made no sense.”
"And hey, that's a little rude," Jongdae points out, pausing in messing with his phone to send Baekhyun an unimpressed look. “They could do it if they want to, just let them work it out in their own time.”
“Oh whatever, they’re never gonna bone, I’m calling it now!” Baekhyun practically shouts, drawing sighs from most of the table.
And Yifan's...he’d be offended and annoyed in any other situation -- but it’s not any other situation. So he’s fine with Baekhyun's callousness, as long as it's not drawing any more attention to him than necessary. But unfortunately --
"Wait, but Yifan,” Baekhyun begins to say, sounding horrified. “Wait. You're...blushing.”
Ah, great. Yifan tries to look inconspicuous, and determines that it’s in his best interest to stay silent.
Tao looks up from the mini tomato he's throwing at Yixing, eyebrows knitting together. "What?” After a prolonged moment where he inspects Yifan’s stony face, he shakes his head a little. “Are -- wait, are you actually trying to get me to help you get condoms for Mama Junmyeon because you're too embarrassed to do it on your own or ask him to -- Yifan."
So this is officially going to maybe be a trainwreck in one way or another. Yifan needs to escape the conversation pronto, but doesn't know how. "Uh," he says, because if he denies this misunderstanding, that only leaves the worse truth to be uncovered. Is this better? Yifan is just trying to get out of lunch time as unscathed as possible, honestly.
Chanyeol laughs in disbelief; Jongdae is frowning a little, expression thoughtful and a little similar to the expression on Yixing’s face; Kyungsoo appears to be trying to master astral projection at this moment; and Baekhyun is back on the topic like a dog on a bone. This is horrible, but also the best alternative he’s got going for him.
"Oh this just figures,” Baekhyun is saying with all the glee in the world. “Oh my god, you're worse than I thought! Okay, Yifan, if you need someone to hold your hand and give you advice on the best condoms to get, you don't have to ask Tao for help. I mean, I've seen almost all of you naked I think -- "
"You've seen almost half the school naked, honestly," Yixing points out kindly.
"Anyway," Baekhyun plows on. "What I'm saying is that I'm like. A professional. I could totally give you better tips on buying protection, and getting the probably right size.”
“There's a joke here somewhere about you guessing Junmyeon's dick size,” Yixing says dully. Baekhyun ignores him.
“And we'll go to some random convenience store for it. Then you won't have to look Tao's parents in the face later on and know that they know that you're sexually active. Which, let's face it, would just make you combust on the spot in embarrassment."
Yifan is definitely blushing now, face hot. He notices that Jongdae is eyeing him with a strange look that Yifan can't quite place. When Yifan locks eyes with him, Jongdae lifts his hands in a defensive manner before going back to messing around on his phone and minding his own business. At least that's one less person to worry about. "Oh my god,” Yifan says, finally finding his voice. “Please shut up?"
Kyungsoo, failing at blocking them all out, frowns, annoyed, and reluctantly joins the conversation. "Listen, you know, Yifan's not actually a caricature of an omega or anything. Guys, come on."
(Chanyeol throws an arm over Kyungsoo's shoulders. "Come on, don't be like that, we're not trying to say that he is." He gets an elbow to his ribs for his troubles.)
"Yeah," Yixing says in light agreement. "There's no way Yifan is actually as flustered over condoms as you're making him out to be, Baekhyun. Give him a break.”
Tao chirps happily, "Or that Junmyeon wouldn't just handle it if he was."
Yifan, embarrassed as he is, can't help but grumble, "Gee thanks." Tao grins and pats him on the back reassuringly.
Baekhyun flutters his eyelashes and depending on what he says, this could make or break Yifan's escape chances. Yifan waits with bated breath to see which it’ll be. "Yeah, we all know Junmyeon handles everything."
“...Gross.” Yifan says with a roll of his eyes, and he throws a piece of lettuce from Tao's salad in Baekhyun's direction. "Don't be petty, it's not as cute a look as you think."
Baekhyun smiles grandly before picking up the lettuce and popping it in his mouth. "So says you."
"Hey, stop wasting my food!" Tao fumes. "It's for me, not for you to throw it and for Baekhyun to eat instead."
"You were already throwing bits of it at me," Yixing points out.
"Of my own decision and volition," Tao says sternly. "There's a huge difference."
Jongdae, who has been comparatively quiet ever since going back to what Yifan’s assumed is him texting Liyin, finally looks up from his phone again -- but very slowly. Very, very slowly, his eyes getting wide as they lock back onto Yifan. That's not -- that's not at all good.
"Then actually eat your salad if you're going to make a big deal of it, Tao," Yifan tells Tao, trying to act like Jongdae's eyes aren't wide as saucers. Maybe if he doesn't acknowledge Jongdae, Jongdae won't say anything?
No such luck. "Hey, no. No, wait a second. Junmyeon was out because he was sick yesterday," Jongdae says quietly, voice hushed with something not unlike suspense. Yifan can only watch in horror as this unfolds. "He said he was sick yesterday. But he's here today and totally fine. And just now, he only vague-answered me when I asked him about yesterday and -- and oh my god, today you're asking about pharmacies -- "
Yifan's trying to stay calm, but Kyungsoo's eyes have gone wide too, his expression the almost embodiment of an exclamation point personified. Yifan doesn’t know what he could possibly say to stop this from happening, but he still tries to say something. "Jongdae -- "
The others are in various points of being just about to piece it all together when Jongdae leans across the table and hisses, “Oh my god, did you guys have heat sex?”
There is exactly one second of dead stillness before anyone reacts. And then it ends.
Baekhyun whoops loudly, Yixing blinks a lot and frowns, Chanyeol gasps, mock scandalized, while Tao is actually scandalized and Yifan wants to sink into the floor and disappear forever. Kyungsoo and Jongdae keep staring at Yifan with wide, accusing eyes.
“What?” Yifan says, trying to play at innocent. “I don’t know what…”
Yixing, the quiet traitor that he is, demonstrates a devastating blow to this attempt. “What do you need from Tao’s family’s pharmacy, then?”
Yifan just stares, silently murderous, at Yixing for a very long time. Yixing only mouths 'unprotected? really?' at him before smiling serenely, like this is some kind of comeuppance that Yifan deserves. Well, okay maybe he does. He's definitely learned a lesson about how not worth it a spur of the moment decision is, that's for sure.
“Oh my god,” Baekhyun is saying. “Oh my god? I was wrong -- so wrong and, you know, I can’t believe you’re joining the disgustingly attached ranks of Jongdae and Liyin.”
"What?” Jongdae squawks. "Why am I getting dragged into this?"
Baekhyun makes a face like he isn't the one to blame, despite being the one who brought it up. "Hey, you have heat sex under 18, and you've brought any ridicule upon yourself. I can't believe you, Yifan." He glares at Jongdae. "You either, Jongdae. Even though it's old news."
(Yifan feels the beginnings of hope for the first time since lunch started. Maybe if he plays his cards right and is very very quiet and still, he can let the conversation topic change and then sneak away. After all, whenever Baekhyun brings up this theory about Jongdae and Liyin, Jongdae always gets...well...)
Jongdae rolls his eyes, scoffing viciously. “You know, Baekhyun, to this day I will continue to counter that you have no proof we had heat sex that weekend. So shut up.”
Chanyeol barks out a laugh, “Oh good one, like any one of us actually believes you didn’t.”
Jongdae puts his phone down on the table with way more force than necessary, visibly ruffled and annoyed. "Why are you doing this to me? Seriously."
But it is Kyungsoo who says, deadly slick and in a pretty spot on imitation of Jongdae’s voice, “‘But guys you don’t understand what it’s like for us betas, we don’t have them every month so if someone wants to wait for your heat, that means it’s real.’” Kyungsoo looks at Jongdae and gestures to him. “…Kim Jongdae, the beginning of sophomore year, in his rousing series of I just want Liyin to notice I’m in love with her.”
Jongdae laughs good naturedly, though the tips of his ears are red. “Okay, so you can shut the hell up too, Kyungsoo -- but you can’t tell me that it’s not true.”
“What, that you’re in love with her?” Chanyeol asks, just to be obnoxious, obvious by the way he's grinning.
Jongdae sighs exasperatedly, clearly annoyed, “No -- well yes, but. I mean the sentiment of waiting.”
Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. “That how she gets you to put out for her heats too? Her adherence to ‘the sentiment of waiting’?”
(Yifan is eyeing his escape options because this appears to be working? It’s actually working. Well, Yixing is looking at Yifan again like he's very very disappointed, and Tao is just staring open mouthed at Yifan like he's the biggest sinner of all time or something. But Tao is speechless and Yixing is wordlessly judging, so he'll deal with them later.)
Meanwhile Baekhyun is still going. “And what is this ‘I have no proof’? Excuse me, you both skipped school that Friday and came back the next Tuesday blissful and fucking glowing,” Baekhyun says, accusingly. “And then you mysteriously and suddenly stopped talking about the tragedies of heat sex being considered less important for betas? I’m sorry? But that’s not a coincidence, and I don’t need any more proof than that.”
Jongdae glares at Baekhyun and slowly says, deliberate as his eyes slide over to Yifan (whose heart sinks at the eye contact), “...Are you all really going to let Baekhyun rehash this same stupid argument, and let yourselves forget that Yifan and Junmyeon apparently had heat sex without protection and now somebody needs the pill?”
"I didn't forget for a second!" Tao says angrily, jabbing Yifan in the side of the leg with his knee.
The rest of everyone's attention has, of course, been immediately refocused back on Yifan. He decides to just avoid this fallout in as graceful a way he can figure. “Tao, text me later,” he mumbles, and he flees.
+++
So everyone else in their group knows by the time next class period starts (not like it’s hard -- most of them share first lunch, after all). Which isn’t a surprise, but the fact that Lu Han skips out on his own lunch to come find Yifan in physics, walking in the classroom literally to just point at him and splutter while looking bewildered, is a little much -- even for him.
“You’re leaving Sehun hanging right now in favor of dramatics,” Yifan tells him angrily, ears heating up at the way his classmates stare at Lu Han and murmur to one another in confusion. There’s no need for this whole thing to be any more public than it already is. “So really, who’s the worst right now?” The misdirected anger (because Yifan’s so stupid, and this is hundred percent his own fault, from start to finish -- ) works, because Lu Han looks appropriately ashamed and leaves soon after that.
‘I’m sorry it sort of just…got out during lunch’, Yifan texts Junmyeon apologetically as soon as he can, after physics and during what’s supposed to be his study hall...not that he’s planning on sitting in the library to be gawked at by Jongdae and maybe Jongin -- who might choose today to attend lunch, considering recent turn of events. The others aren’t going to let them live this down, and Junmyeon has lunch during last lunch shift, which is starting just about now. This means Junmyeon is either going to have to bear through lunch with the teasing and shock aimed his way, or he’s going to have to skip because Minseok is brutal when he wants to be and Jongin, who typically is quiet and obedient with literally everyone but Junmyeon, can latch onto that easily. Also Baekhyun’s been leading some sort of potshot crusade over the groupchat to give the two of them plenty of material to work with. To give everyone plenty to work with. Yifan wants to disappear off the face of the planet.
‘it's fine.’ Junmyeon texts back, easily and quickly. ‘let me know if you need help with anything though?’
Ah, and then there's that. The reason Yifan’s gotten them in their current predicament in the first place. ‘it's fine’ Yifan parrots back. ‘after tao got over his shock and idk disappointment in us he said he'd help me with it.’
There’s a bit more of a pause before Junmyeon replies. Yifan doesn’t know if that means something, or if he’s reading into things, but the text itself isn't all that incriminating: ‘that's not really what I meant but good to hear. talk to you later?’
He still feels weird, and heavy with so many counts of guilt. ‘okay’ Yifan says, then sends Junmyeon an innocuous emoticon -- and immediately gets an equally as innocuous and meaningless one in return. And that's cool and all but really, they both know there's a big elephant in the room that they're avoiding for now.
One thing at a time though, Yifan supposes, and goes back to trying to survive the rest of his day with as little additional fanfare and attention as possible. He has to turn off his phone to do that, but hey he's not about to be picky about survival tactics that work.
+++
So Yifan and Tao go to get the pill after school. Because Tao’s dad is super understanding, he buys it for Yifan and gives it to him while promising not to tell Yifan’s mom -- under the promise that Yifan will never, ever need a favor like this again in the future.
“Use protection -- or better yet, don’t be having sex,” he says sternly when he hands it over. “Or else I will be talking to your mother and holding true to the policy that I need parental approval for you to receive emergency contraception from my store.”
Tao is sucking on a lollipop and watching as Yifan blushes and nods, taking the little box from Tao’s father with downcast eyes and shame radiating off of him.
“Good thing he was on board,” Tao says as his father shoos them from the counter. “Because I totally couldn’t have snuck out actual pharmaceuticals, you know.”
Yifan groans and runs a tired hand over his face. “That was never what I was asking from you, Tao.”
They leave the pharmacy and sit on the curb outside for a while in silence, while Yifan examines the instructions on the box and wonders how bad this whole thing is going to be. Tao sucks idly on his lollipop.
“So like,” Tao finally says. “Junmyeon isn’t mishandling or pressuring you or anything, is he? Because I’ll beat him up if he’s pushing you to do it with no condoms.”
Yifan feels his ears get hot again. When will the suffering end? “Tao.”
Tao shrugs, “Hey, I have to check. You know, cover the bases. You didn't use condoms, and I'm sorry, but that's -- ”
"It was an accident and it won't happen again, I promise," Yifan tells him solemnly. This isn’t a lie or an exaggeration; it’s the one lesson he’s definitely come away with from the whole thing. It was dumb and not worth it and seriously, never again.
Tao mumbles something that sounds a little like it better not, but Yifan doesn’t comment and Tao doesn’t elaborate. "So," he eventually says, expectant. Yifan isn’t totally on edge, because this can’t get worse, but he’s not letting his guard down just yet. "No pressuring, right? Junmyeon isn't uncharacteristically being a jerk or anything?"
At that Yifan has to laugh...and it sounds horribly tragic. It’s a flatly fake and despairing laugh, brought up by the memories of pressuring. “No -- honestly, if anything this last time I was one doing the pressuring. It was…bad.”
Tao’s eyebrows shoot up and Yifan winces, because. Well. Judgment still sucks. “Bad?” Tao echoes, confused and worried.
“Well, not. Not bad.” Not entirely. Not that Yifan didn’t enjoy it -- and Junmyeon had said, well, all that stuff about enjoying it, too...just... Just he knows it was really messed up. And the two of them still haven’t had that talk. The one where Yifan basically apologizes profusely for being a screw up.
(Ugh, why is it that they always need to have talks? They’re horrible and as much as Yifan hopes every time for it to be the last time, he knows it’s not -- and that it’s better that way. Because communication is something you have to actually try to work on, and he’s determined to make this all work. They still suck, though.)
Tao’s looking at him, more expectantly than before. “Not bad? So, what was it?”
Yifan groans. “I don’t know. I... We’re fine, it was just an accident that shouldn’t have happened, is all.”
Tao still doesn't look impressed. "You're going to have to express yourself a little better, because I'm not understanding a word coming out of your mouth."
Yifan groans again and looks up at the sky to avoid all that judgment Tao’s sending his way. It's pretty chilly out here on the curb, and it makes him shiver. "I don't know, it was an accident but...I wasn't the one...um."
Tao coughs out a little unimpressed sound, just so Yifan knows that Tao’s not letting him off the hook still, even without looking. "Well, right, Junmyeon was the one in heat, we all got that. So...?"
Yifan shrugs. "So...I messed up. We uh." On one hand it's Tao, on the other hand it's Tao: he's, again, not always the best at being subtle or using indiscretion -- but he's not one to mince words, which is always great for advice. "Tao, this isn't really the first time we've messed around like this."
When he peeks back over, Yifan's so glad Tao connects the dots despite how vague he's being. Tao's expression slams straight into shocked. "On heat?"
Yifan runs an embarrassed hand over his face. "We've never -- not all the way -- but a couple of times, um... I mean, you know how -- how I am -- "
Tao puts a hand over his heart. "I am figuratively about to clutch at my pearls, Yifan. On your heat?"
"I know, okay? Which, that's why I feel horrible.” Understatement of the year. Everything’s so messed up, even in this weird eye of the storm like calm...or whatever this is. Yifan wishes he’d done the right thing like he should have, but he has to press onward. “When it's always been me, we -- I mean, we weren't really playing it safe but at least Junmyeon never jumped me."
Tao's eyes go wide. "I mean -- but did you actually -- there's no way you actually manhandled him...right...?"
"No!" Yifan shakes his head to emphasize that no, not really, not like that, no. "I just. I didn't leave after walking in on him and -- and I should have. You can't think when you're like that and he...I wanted to and he also wanted to...but I should have left right away."
Tao's shaking his head, tapping his lollipop against his lips. "I can't believe you and Junmyeon -- Baekhyun has been making vanilla nun jokes about you two this whole time, and really you've been messing around with heat sex -- ”
"Tao."
Yifan's face is burning, and his expression must be truly desperate, because Tao sighs and reaches up to pat the top of Yifan's head. "Oh my poor silly Yifan. Just go home and take your medicine. Worry about Junmyeon after tomorrow, when you're feeling better -- and talk to him, please?"
Yifan was planning on it, seriously. It's just... "I just feel so bad," Yifan admits, voice low, as he lets Tao’s hand stay nestled in his hair. "Because I should have been better for Junmyeon."
Tao sighs and ruffles Yifan's hair, which is a weird reversal. When did Tao get so grown? Yifan's supposed to be the older, wiser, rational one here. "As a fellow teen in a committed relationship,” Tao says quietly. “I have to say that...yeah. It's hard, not being in sync with your partner -- and, for you, Yifan, not being regular with your own schedule can’t help. But you don't always have to be responsible for everything around you. We're all stupid teenagers with impulse control issues."
Yifan scowls -- enough is enough and this advice receiving part of it is getting weird -- and pokes at Tao's outstretched arm. Tao laughs but untangles his fingers from Yifan's hair. Yifan bats his hand away faster, and says, "Yeah, but I bet your issues of controlling impulses have never led to needing to secretly get the morning after pill."
Tao hums lightly, licking carefully at his lollipop. "Well that's true. But hey, we learn from our elders, right?"
When Yifan glares a little, Tao shrugs, smiling around the candy in his mouth. "I'm serious, stop over-empathizing with the hypothetical suffering you've decided Junmyeon's going through and go home. You made a mistake. Just try to make up for it later -- it’s all you can do."
+++
"So," Junmyeon says, when they meet for milkshakes a few days later, just the two of them.
Yifan nibbles on his straw. "So."
Junmyeon snorts. "Okay. No reason to beat around the bush.” He stirs his shake with the straw and smiles over the table at Yifan. “You know, we’ve really got to stop meeting like this."
Yifan keeps nibbling on his straw, mulling that over. Junmyeon obviously means this awkward approach to talking about something high past the time when they should have talked about it, not the getting milkshakes thing. Which...yeah. Yeah, it's gotten and been old for a while. Yifan sighs. "Okay, then let's...talk?"
Junmyeon nods, firm and in charge. Yifan watches him quietly and lets him start. "Right, so...what happened the other day…”
Yifan pinches the straw, clearing his throat and trying to not get embarrassed at the memory of what it is exactly that did happened. “Can’t happen again, that’s for sure.”
Junmyeon nods again. “Agreed. So we make rules to make sure it doesn’t. Rules like -- like, simple ground rule is we avoid situations where what happened could happen for a while. Both of us."
Yifan swallows thickly. ‘Both of us’. It’s never been flipped before, until the other day. There was never a need for rules and precautions until Yifan messed it all up. "Yes, yeah definitely -- look, I'm sorry about that -- "
Junmyeon waves a careless hand and smiles, eyes crinkling like usual. "No, Yifan, it's fine."
But it can’t just be fine. No way. Yifan reaches over the table to lightly touch Junmyeon's fingers that are curled around his glass. His fingers are damp and a little cold from the condensation. "No it's not. I should have left. I made a really bad decision and I manipulated you -- or the situation, at least -- because I'm always -- I."
This is going to sound horrible, because it just is horrible. But Yifan takes a deep breath and soldiers on. "I always feel like I'm the desperate needy one and that...was a really terrible way to deal with it. But that’s what it was, I think."
There’s a very noticeable pause in the atmosphere. Junmyeon stares at Yifan for a moment before blinking slowly, mouth turning slightly down at the edges in thought. Yifan waits with a vaguely held breath; is this when Junmyeon breaks up with him…?
"...Huh,” Junmyeon eventually says. “That...is not really what I expected you to say."
Yifan's stomach flips anxiously. "I know. I know, it's messed up."
Junmyeon frowns, just a little. Yifan tries to keep calm and doesn’t pull his hand away. “Junmyeon?” He asks quietly. “Can you say something? Because I need to know how mad you are and if you want to break up and -- ”
Junmyeon fully frowns, but then quickly schools his face into something passive and holds up his free hand to stop him from talking. Yifan normally would mind, but right now he thinks Junmyeon has the right to do the things that Yifan kind of usually hates. Turnabout’s fair play and all that.
"I don’t want to break up, stop it.” Junmyeon says, insisting. “I’m just...I’m wrapping my head around how...so...just.” Junmyeon stops and shakes his head. Yifan thinks he sees a hint of a smile in the glint in his eyes, but he can’t be sure. It might be wishful thinking.
“Just. So, it wasn't about the..." Junmyeon pauses meaningfully this time while squinting slightly for some kind of build up. Yifan waits for whatever it is. "...heat of the moment? I mean, why it all happened."
It’s Yifan’s turn to pause, because that is a horrible joke (Junmyeon laughs, delighted). It's also the only way Yifan is convinced for sure that Junmyeon isn't...angry. About to break up with him. Junmyeon might even be totally okay, if he’s making jokes like that about what happened. But Yifan won’t let the whole thing slip and slide away with a single bad joke. This feels too important to let it. "I mean of course it was also about..." Yifan's voice dips lower, into a quiet murmur. "Wanting you. It's always been about that. I just really should have left, because that wasn't how it should have happened."
Junmyeon's amusement has dissipated, and in its place is a contemplative look. Like he’s just now actually realizing that Yifan’s not just embarrassed about the whole thing. "Yifan?”
He’s not sure what exactly Junmyeon’s asking him, but Yifan says the only thing he can think of: the honest truth. “I feel like I took advantage of you.”
Junmyeon makes a sound in the back of his throat, intertwining the fingers around his milkshake glass with Yifan’s fingers still layered on top of his. They’re still chilly and wet, but comforting all the same. “Honestly, I don't feel bad about it. Not like I was taken advantage of or anything. I just...I mean, yes, I agree. That wasn't how that should have happened. But that’s all this talk is about, promise. I’m okay."
Yifan looks imploringly at Junmyeon. "You’re sure you're okay? I wouldn't blame you if -- "
Junmyeon's smiling now, skeptical. "If what? I was, what’d you say, ‘mad and wanted to break up’? Why would I be angry with you? Honestly we kept setting ourselves up for failure, so this was bound to happen."
Yifan still isn't relieved. Maybe Junmyeon isn't emotionally fraught or anything, but still. "I should have left."
Junmyeon sighs heavily. "Okay fine, yes, you should have. But there were all those times when I should have left before we ended up messing around, so -- "
"But you usually only stayed after I begged you not to go -- "
Junmyeon's eyebrow ticks up, fingers tightening around Yifan’s. "Yifan, I don't get what you want me to say? What do you want to do, prove you’re the worst? I don’t -- "
Yifan doesn't know what he's trying to do either. "I don't know,” he admits, a whining kind of huff he doesn’t mean to exhale. Junmyeon’s almost frowning again. Ah well, might as well commit. “I...just know that it's not about precedence. And even if it was, then you were always the one trying to avoid going all the way."
Junmyeon sighs again, though his eyes are gentle as they search Yifan’s face. "Oh my god, this is about guilty blame -- Yifan, listen, I was always doing all that for your sake. For both our sakes. But we've both made bad decisions, okay? And -- look, what do you want me to say to convince you I'm fine?"
Yifan's feeling flustered, like he’s making something out of nothing. But what if there’s something? Even the tiniest little something? Yifan doesn’t want that to be left to fester into something ugly and hurting. He doesn’t want Junmyeon to be hurting in silence over how Yifan let him down on something really really important.
"I don't know,” Yifan admits quietly. “Junmyeon, I'm just...trying to take care of you, okay? Let me do this right this time. Let me apologize for taking advantage, okay? I promise it'll never happen like that again." Yifan doesn’t know what else to say, having talked himself in a circle. "...Okay?"
Junmyeon is staring at him, wide-eyed, but starts at Yifan prompting him to reply. Junmyeon smiles a little (and Yifan’s heart flutters at the sight, like usual). "Ah...I...sure. Okay. Thank you." Junmyeon ducks his head over his milkshake, shy all of a sudden. "It's not like I have any protests against you taking care of me."
That’s...how is he meant to reply to that? Yifan smiles too, jittery and off-footed and relieved all at once. He aims for a joke, "Hey, it's my natural inclination, right?"
Junmyeon looks up to very pointedly roll his eyes at Yifan, smile still in place. "Really? Okay, ground rule number two: no alignment talk."
Yifan's stomach swoops in something like nervousness -- but maybe it’s just whiplash from how quickly it feels they are settling back into normalcy again. That wasn’t so hard, this whole talking thing, now was it? "It was a joke, you know."
Junmyeon runs his fingers over Yifan's knuckles, his touch careful and soft. The laugh he offers up is careful and soft too. "I know. Now seriously, we need set some rules, come on..."
+++
The rules are as follows: if one of them walks in on the other having heat, for the time being they leave, no questions asked; no more sleepovers, though those have mostly already been nipped in the bud by Yifan's mother; next time they have sex it'll be totally planned and no one's going to be in heat; and emotional inadequacies and other internalized negativity or uncertainty, they talk about as soon as it pops up. That needs reiterating since their last 'big talk', because it seems to be the first thing that goes with them.
("I can't keep up with all the things you end up thinking when you’re constantly trying to read and attune to my emotions," Junmyeon says. "You sometimes seriously clam up and start living in your head and get weirdly intense, and there's only so much I can do when you get caught up in whatever headspace you're in."
Yifan trades him a complaint for a complaint. "Well, stop making me have to figure out when you're stressed or overwhelmed -- you pretend you're always okay, but things like preparing for debate competitions right after midterms and barely eating or sleeping and still pretending you're completely fine only makes me worry, you know?"
Junmyeon laughs and scratches his head, sheepish. "Okay, you've got me there.")
It's not a lot of rules, really, but it helps a little. It's a good foundation to build on. When Yifan really thinks about it, and about how they really need to do things like this openly talking thing more often, he realizes just how new their relationship is. They're still learning about one another and how to be dating each other. It's hard. It’s supposed to be hard, because the payoffs are so worth it, but that doesn’t change that it’s hard and they’re tripping up a whole lot.
"I think you guys are actually really adorable," Tao says. He's asked Yifan to help him load some things into his wushu school's van for some competition they're going to next weekend, but Yifan's pretty sure it's in part an excuse for Tao to check up on him. Yifan thinks that Tao, honestly, has been a little more worried than anyone else about the whole accidental-ish heat sex incident -- maybe because Yifan told him more about it than anyone else.
"Oh? We're not making you, what was it, clutch at your pearls anymore?"
Tao throws a punch mitt at him (it hits him right on the nipple, ouch, and Yifan glares). "Shut up. Remember how I said you learn from your elders? Well, in a sense I'm your elder in dating expertise."
Yifan rubs at the sore spot on his chest and hands the discarded mitt back to Tao. "Are you about to give me more advice?"
Tao hums and tosses the mitt into the van's trunk. "Not really. It's just...it's cute that you guys are still figuring it out. But I am here to tell you to rest assured, and keep working at it."
Yifan leans heavily against the van. "Shouldn't you be sharing this advice with the newest couple in our ranks instead of me?"
Tao waves a hand, mouth pursed. "No, I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole, they're both so weird. And anyway you guys were the one in crisis." Tao leans against the van as well, crossing his arms. "Mm, and did you guys have a good talk?"
Yifan smiles, and nudges Tao playfully. It's always nice to have someone looking after you, after all. "Yes we did, thank you very much. Actually seriously, it was a good talk. I even ordered Junmyeon around a little, Kyungsoo would have been proud of me."
Tao nudges him back, his mouth slowly curling into a sly type of smile. "Yeah, see? Maybe we’re not natural born aggressors, but it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to be aggressive when the going gets tough, right?"
Yifan can't stop himself from bursting out laughing at how Tao wriggles his eyebrows in a way that has to insinuate some kind of innuendo there. "Oh my god, Tao."
+++
"So," Sehun says, seeming to pay more attention to a knot in the chain of whatever necklace he has on than Yifan. He doesn't seem to notice that it's tucked into his shirt, and if Yifan were not on guard, not fooled by this bait and switch tactic, he might tell Sehun to fix his collar so his outfit aesthetic or whatever isn't ruined (or whatever). As is, he's eyeing Sehun carefully, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Sehun does not disappoint. Still messing with his chain, he says, offhandedly, "Seeing how Tao has finally stopped talking about you all the time with me, I'm assuming things are going well with you and your betrothed?"
Yifan glares. "He's not my betrothed. Why does everyone love marriage jokes so much?"
Sehun looks surprised. "Oh, am I late to the party? Are we all not supposed to be constantly telling you and Junmyeon that you're getting married 24/7 anymore? I didn't get the monthly newsletter on the new ways we're messing with each other, so..."
Yifan puts a heavy hand on Sehun’s shoulder to get him to shut up. "Sehun," he says solemnly. "Please be quiet."
Sehun looks up and squints, but acquiesces. For a second anyway. He goes back to fiddling with his necklace, and forgets the request the second they break eye contact. "I take it you're nervous about the upcoming wedding then, since you're so tense."
Yifan rolls his eyes. This could be worse. Sehun could be saying way cruder things. Yifan hasn't talked to Baekhyun for probably what's been four days now. He only just unblocked Chanyeol on all his social media yesterday. There's just worse to have to deal with, is all. "Not everyone’s into matchmaking these days," Yifan grumbles, still wary of where Sehun could take this. There’s still time for things to get ugly. "So I just don't get this preoccupation with this joke."
Sehun leaves the now unknotted chain alone and starts to mess idly with his bangs, but not before sending Yifan a skeptical look. Yifan blatantly does not glare back, because he’s actually nice, even when he doesn’t want to be. "Uh, old rich families definitely still do it -- and hate to break it to you, but Junmyeon’s family is definitely old and rich."
Yifan’s expression turns skeptical as well. “Uh, before you cast any stones...your family is old and rich too, remember? I mean -- how was that fancy dinner yesterday night?”
Sehun rolls his eyes. “Ugh, dumb and boring and long, like they always are every couple of weeks we have to go. But of course I know my old, rich family is old and rich -- we’ve been in the matchmaking industry for the old and rich for forever.” Sehun leaves his bangs alone and leans his cheek against his hand, leveling Yifan with a bland gaze, though there’s a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. “So I’d know more about the matchmaking tendencies nowadays than you.”
Yifan pauses because Junmyeon's family...well, they might qualify for an old and traditional type of family that might employ Sehun’s family’s service, but Yifan’s family certainly does not. Does Sehun think that maybe Junmyeon’s family would be on him about getting matched if they knew exactly what he and Junmyeon have been up to?
Yifan shakes his head to rid himself of the thought. He can’t worry about things like that. “Well, anyway me and my mom definitely aren't going to be asking your parents about getting me a betrothed, and I'm pretty sure Junmyeon’s parents aren't into that whole, ridiculous scene.”
Yifan pauses again, as he remembers that Sehun's parents kind of are, beyond working in the business. Sehun’s older brother literally got married two years ago to a match their parents set up for him. Sehun's not so much affected, seeing as he’s dating Tao and how being the youngest accounts for all kinds of leeway, but it seems rude to talk backhandedly about his parents’ stance in Sehun’s face like this. For heaven’s sake, Sehun’s parents still make them go to weird fancy dinner gatherings of all the older family lines in the nearby area, fairly regular get-togethers that Junmyeon’s been joking about never being caught dead at for the past three or so years ever since his parents stopped making them go.
"Uh sorry." Yifan offers carefully. “They aren’t ridiculous, I guess. But it’s just -- me and Junmyeon aren’t getting married in high school, you know?”
Sehun snorts, but it's in good nature since he's fully grinning now. "Nah, it’s fine. I know you’re not getting married -- I'm just kidding, because I know it’s a sore spot. But sorry, I'll stop.”
Sehun’s kind of a good kid, when you get right down to it. Yifan offers a smile in return, just happy things still haven’t taken a soured turn.
Sehun laughs a little, then goes back to his default stoic expression. “Anyway, please look over my homework like you're supposed to be doing, since this is a study date after all." Sehun bats his eyelashes with about zero other emotion on his face. It pains Yifan to admit how adorable that still is for some reason.
So Yifan sighs. "Hand it over."
While skimming Sehun’s accounting workbook, a class Yifan took last year, he makes small talk because Sehun’s clearly bored. He’s twiddling around with his necklace chain with one hand, and the charm dangling on his cellphone with the other, as he stares at his phone, occasionally pressing on a button or two, maybe taking a moment to text here and there.
"How’s dance going?' Yifan asks, looking up from how all of Sehun’s spreadsheets are a row off.
Sehun scoffs. It’s not a mean sound. "Alright. The winter showcase might actually get put together on time this year, Jongin is being super anal retentive and it's rubbing off on the rest of us, captain included. It’s making our instructor work us harder.” Sehun rolls his eyes, but Yifan can tell he is really excited at the prospect. “Which is annoying, but I guess also kind of cool because I would kill to not have to be scrambling to learn set lists a week before the performance this year."
Yifan’s phone lights up on the table, and when he glances it's a text from Baekhyun that opens up with: ‘please stop avoiding me I just want to give you your membership card to the tramp club it's my duty as president why are you -- '
Yifan deletes it without reading the rest, while Sehun continues to explain in detail what ways Jongin’s ‘anal retentive tendencies’ have pros and cons. “Like, honestly,” Sehun says. “It's a huge pain in the ass, and not all of us pick up on a routine as fast as him...but I am getting faster at it nowadays. So there's a plus."
"Well, you're learning, that's good," Yifan says while crossing out one of Sehun’s wrong answers and writing the correction in the margin. "Do you think you'll keep dance up?"
Sehun stretches and yawns. "Hm? Um, for a while, yeah. It'll probably help me get into college, and after that maybe it'll be a casual hobby? Like a club or something.” Sehun puts his phone down and looks at Yifan with a questioning gaze. “Hey, do you think Yixing will pick it up again in college too, like that? Losing him was kind of a big hit, and he's really good at it. He should keep doing it at some level, you know? Even just a hobby."
Yifan shrugs uncertainly. "I’m not sure...but it can't be helped. I think he's more aiming for music composition now -- I mean, after the science stuff."
Sehun rolls his eyes and slouches in his seat, not amused. Yifan smiles a little at how easy it is to read Sehun, even though he tends to cycle through the same handful of facial expressions at the rate of a sloth. "You mean after the valedictorian stuff."
Yifan shakes his head, still smiling, and crosses another answer out with purposeful flourish. "Not all of us are too ambivalent to be bothered by our grades, Sehun."
Sehun slouches further. "Hey, I'm finding myself. Going through the throes of youth, trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to major in in college, and conserving my energy in the meantime. Let me live."
Yifan bites down on a sudden urge to laugh. It’s partly because Sehun’s funny and weird and Yifan always enjoys that, and partly because well… Seeing how this is the longest conversation Yifan has had with someone in days that hasn't devolved into being about a certain specific topic, Yifan thinks it's a pretty good sign that things are blowing over. And that feels good.
Yifan’s phone lights up again. It's from Junmyeon this time: ‘please start texting baek back soon, he's taking it out on me and I'm going to be forced to hurt his fragile ego at this point (by siccing Kyungsoo on him.......)’.
Well, alright. Things are only just starting to blow over. A start is better than nothing.
"Oh," Sehun says with genuine interest, picking up and clicking away on his phone with both hands now. "Chanyeol is texting out real time updates of Junmyeon pitting Kyungsoo and Baekhyun against each other. Mind if I read them to you? Put my homework down, that can totally wait."
“Can it, really?” Yifan says, even as he abandons Sehun’s homework for his own phone. 'I'm hearing through the grapevine that you're already enacting retribution against him though?' Yifan texts Junmyeon.
'oops?' Junmyeon texts back immediately and Yifan can imagine the wide-eyed almost entirely (but actually not all) sincere way he'd say it in person.
'except you don't mean that and you're evil.'
Junmyeon only texts back a smiley face. Sehun’s reading out the increasingly ridiculous updates from Chanyeol and Yifan figures, fine; tomorrow he'll tell Baekhyun thanks but no thanks, he can keep any membership cards to himself.
next>>
Summary: A lot can happen in the time they have left here in high school. (a/b/o au; krisho)
word count: 9,600 words
a/n: hello, and look at these backdated entries from hell. the current date is actually march 26 (of 2016).
anyway, ah hey here's that discussion of manipulation I promised forever ago. hope I handled it thoroughly and gracefully, but if not let me know and I will try to continue to address it further in following chapters. I'm concentrating on updating slowly when I can, but I'm not re-reading and editing as thoroughly as I should be, so I hope I don't mess up too badly -- but if I do please forgive me? a lot of nitty gritty details changed as I fleshed things out, but we're just trying to reach the end. also chapter lengths are going to vary wildly but should inevitably shorten down again? I don't predict every chapter to break 6-7+k in the future.
oh! probably very late, but just so you know I don't condemn any and all other a/b/o fic or anything. everyone's just having a good time writing fic and playing in their sandboxes and I respect that. this was just an experiment that got too big for me and now I'm paying the price. also another late but obligatory disclaimer that nothing that happens in this story is meant to be idk commentary on real life and members' departures. as you know, this fic has been a ridiculous endeavor that I planned like 2 years ago by this point (I started around the time of the '14 Japanese fanmeet because of course I did), but anyway I'm not the kind of person who likes to deal with sadness and pessimism in reality or fiction, so there's also that.
and this is now officially going to be on ao3 too! I'll be updating this thing simultaneously on both sites, so choose whichever you like better. I'm going to be trying my best to finish this story, and I'm going to keep trying the best I can for as long as I'm able. Thanks if you decide to read this at all!
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faq post
+++
Figuring out how to clean up the messy aftermath is a huge pain. There's not a lot of ways to get emergency contraception without getting an adult involved, and Yifan's not about to risk frankly anything involved with this up to chance.
That being said...well, Yifan would hate to put someone else in an uncomfortable position, but Tao’s parents own and run a pharmacy. Growing up they’ve all made full use of the serendipitous benefits of the occasional free treats and even a contraband pack of cigarettes here and there. Usually it's not a huge deal, but clearly this isn't an ice cream bar or a pack of gum he needs here. Yifan will do what he has to do, and if Tao's parents want him to tell his mom he will. It's just he'd like to exhaust all his other options before wholly disappointing his mother.
“I need you to come with me after school to uh. The pharmacy.” Yifan mumbles, trying to will Tao to understand what he’s hinting at here without actually explicitly saying anything at all damning. It's before lunch and Yifan's made sure to catch Tao at his locker beforehand, because Tao can't always be held accountable to not immediately if not accidentally overshare -- he’s emotional. He’s very in the moment. Yifan -- is sure that in a true emergency situation Tao could be trusted to keep an important secret, honestly he is -- but he'd rather be safe than sorry. Technically he doesn't have to tell Tao, but it's a huge favor to ask of someone else's parents and Yifan can't even imagine how he would even begin to approach a request like this on his own.
Unfortunately Tao predictably does not pick up on the silent pleadings Yifan's sending his way, seeing how they are silent and also how Tao is simply more focused on trading his books out of his locker and shouldering his bag. Tao starts to make his way for the cafeteria, and lifts an eyebrow when Yifan lingers, so he has no choice but to follow. “The pharmacy? Why? I have practice right after school, you know that. And I kind of can’t just blow it off today.”
"Ah...that's fine then?" No it's not. Why did he say that? It's not fine, he at the very least needs Tao to call his parents and give them and heads up about Yifan's predicament, because there's no way he can breach the topic all on his own.
But unfortunately Yifan isn't sure what else to say. He's had all morning to work on this -- all yesterday night too -- and yet he's still silently letting Tao just usher him along, telling some convoluted story involving sign language class being boring and Tao texting apparently half the world and updating his instagram about twelve times with covert videos of fellow classmates falling asleep.
"Zhou Mi actually took time out of his so called busy college schedule to let me know my life is boring and tragic," Tao says. "Even though I know for a fact he doesn't have class before 10 am....he was probably texting me from his bed!"
"Um that's...so interesting, Tao, but..." Yifan is running out of time to work this out. They're passing into the threshold of the cafeteria, and he can see their designated table off in the distance.
Tao sighs. "I know it's not really. My life kind of is boring and tragic, it's depressing. Anything interesting happen with you lately?"
Yes, actually. "No," he says as stoically as he can manage.
So when the two of them sit down at the lunch table together, Yifan has officially made no progress on this very important matter. That's okay, he tells himself as he focuses on his sandwich. He's still got some time to work this out. There's the rest of school day to get this done.
"Hey there," Jongdae says, the first to greet them besides Yixing waving at them as he sips his juice. From what Yifan can tell upon their arrival, lunch is already shaping up to be a pretty typical affair: Baekhyun's emphatically telling some story, Kyungsoo's dutifully enduring a cracking up Chanyeol hanging off of him (though Yifan sees Kyungsoo smiling slightly every now and then too at whatever Baekhyun’s saying), Yixing is flipping through some kind of homework for something, and Jongdae is clearly welcoming them to the fold. "What's up?"
Tao sits next to Kyungsoo, and Yifan next to him and across from Yixing. "Less than nothing," Tao says cheerily from beside Yifan. "How about you?"
From the tidbits floating down from Baekhyun's end of the table, Yifan thinks there was some kind of incident in the student parking bay this morning, but it's hard to tell what's just embellishment on Baekhyun's part, halfway into his story. Jongdae shrugs tellingly, then nods at Baekhyun.
Everything’s normal. Practically anyway. Yifan pokes at his sandwich bread tentatively before taking a bite. He doesn't feel normal, though. Instead he feels like he's got some huge telltale sign on him that'll give him away any second now, but he reminds himself to act normal. Just act normal and everything will be fine. "So we're just letting Baekhyun regale us on the dramatics of his life, huh?"
Kyungsoo, who apparently has finally grown sick of Chanyeol clinging off him and shakes him off to turn towards their end of the table, says, "Basically yes."
Tao laughs at the way Baekhyun pauses long enough make a face at Kyungsoo's back. It's long enough for Jongdae to lean forwards on the table to throw in some asinine remark that Yifan doesn't quite catch -- and probably wouldn't have understood even if he had -- and it sets Chanyeol off talking all fast and excited about something concerning their shared gym class. Yifan turns his attention to a conversation he can actually keep up with.
"How's your articles journal for government class going?" Kyungsoo is asking Tao.
Tao shrugs. "Uh? I was going to have Junmyeon help me out. When is that due anyway?"
"Soon," Yixing tells him. "I'm guessing your journal is...?"
Yifan remembers Sehun being totally surprised when he saw Junmyeon's early completed project when they were swapping notes the other day, to the point of asking them what is that?. Based on that... "Let me guess," Yifan mumbles. "You've barely started?"
Tao waves a hand, unaffected. "I've got more done than Sehun."
It would be more impressive to have less than Sehun done, seeing as he didn't even know of the journal's existence let alone deadline until maybe two weeks ago. "Yeah that's...." Kyungsoo says, trailing off tellingly.
Tao makes a face. "Whatever, I'll get it done."
Yixing nods calmly. "I'm sure you will. Feel free to ask for help."
Yifan nods too. "I'm almost done, so if you need supplies let me know." Yifan has leftover stock paper and stuff, courtesy of Junmyeon's over-preparedness. They had made a date night of scrapbooking articles for class, seeing as his mom had still been kind of wary about the two of them meeting up alone together -- which. Well, haha, turned out to be for good reason, Yifan thinks to himself.
Tao grins. "Of course." There's a moment of silence as he finally starts eyeing his salad, before he makes a slight noise of remembrance. "Oh hey," Tao says lightly. "I forgot to ask earlier -- Yifan, what did you even need to go to my parents' for anyway?"
Yifan looks up from his sandwich, taken aback at the sudden change in topic. He may have messed up, earlier, not taking the plunge and explaining all the way through. "...Uh. Huh?"
Tao waves his hand. "No it's just, I mean, if it's important or something I obviously don't actually care more about being on time at the training hall if you need my help with something else."
Yifan has no clue how to disengage this conversation. He's made a terrible mistake. "No, Tao, don't worry about it. It's not important, promise."
From the way Tao and Kyungsoo look at him with varying degrees of disbelief, Yifan knows it's not convincing. At least, he thinks in consolation, the others, the ones he really has to be worried about, are still wrapped up in their own conversation about gym.
This blessing doesn’t fully hold up though. Jongdae, always the best at balancing multiple conversations -- evidenced by how he’s now actually messing around on his phone on top of bouncing between two conversations -- chimes in quickly. "Wait, what's going on?" He looks at Yifan with wide, worried eyes. "Tao’s parents' pharmacy? Is our basketball team's sole hope getting sick?"
Yifan frowns. Maybe...he can work with this. Misdirection is his only defense, since he already shot himself in the foot concerning secrecy. But he can’t fake being sick when he’s not. “Shut up, I'm not the sole hope.”
Yixing looks him over carefully. “Are you getting sick, though?”
“No, I just…” He can’t think of a way to actually deflect and misdirect, though. He’ll just deny, de-emphasize, and deny some more. That’s gotta work -- it just has to. “It's nothing.”
Tao nods to Yifan next to him, now zeroing in on picking through his salad and picking out all the croutons to eat first. "Yeah, but you were asking and -- "
Yifan knows cutting Tao off isn't optimal for acting normal, but he can't help it. "It's nothing, it's fine. I mean..." He chooses to mumble into his sandwich. "It's not a big deal."
Now Chanyeol is latching onto to the conversation -- which has Baekhyun turning to their end of the table too, finally -- and he’s raising an eyebrow, not saying anything but pausing in raising his soda can to his lips, eyes questioning. Yifan shakes his head at Chanyeol, and then Baekhyun, and he repeats calmly, “I'm not getting sick, everyone.
"Okay then?” Tao says nibbling on his crouton and not nearly as invested in this conversation as everyone else. “If you're sure?"
Kyungsoo is frowning at Yifan, not as convinced, but Yifan tries to stay very very still and look as nonchalant as possible. “Yes, I'm sure.”
Baekhyun snorts out something, but he's taken a huge bite of pasta and it's mostly unintelligible (which is probably for the best).
Tao pops a half-eaten crouton into his mouth before looking sidelong at Yifan, raising an eyebrow. "Don’t do your version of biting my head off, geez. I’m only checking because it's not like you usually make a habit of asking me for favors."
Yeah see, here's that accidental oversharing thing Yifan was worried about. "Sorry, I’m not...trying to bite anyone’s head off.” He’s just on edge and trying to play it off that he’s not. “But seriously, don’t worry."
Baekhyun snickers. That’s...probably not good. "You know, with how you're trying to avoid answering the question I have a few guesses about what it is you need from the pharmacy -- " And he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.
Yifan does cut Baekhyun off will no hesitation. "I know it's hard for you, but please don't be this way."
Baekhyun looks taken aback. "Don’t be what way? Observant? Not willing to sit through your Virgin Mary act? Listen, Yifan, if you finally wanna bone Junmyeon that's fine -- "
"Wait, hold up. Please," Chanyeol says, setting down his soda in distaste. "I am trying to eat. I don't want to have a conversation about their sex life right now."
Tao hums, and idly throws a mini tomato at Yifan. "Aren't you only barely on parole with your mom, also? Sounds a little more daring than your usual." Yifan tries not to color at that as he thinks about how much more daring the whole thing really is.
Yixing nods, a concerned look on his face. Yifan realizes they can never ever know what’s actually transpired, if he can help it. "Your mom is no joke. I would wait a second for the dust to settle, if I were you."
"I second that motion," Jongdae says, raising his hand unnecessarily. He looks down at his phone. “Mm, Liyin says hi, by the way, all.”
“Hi Liyin,” Tao says, before waving a finger at Yifan. “And the common consensus says: down Yifan.”
"Well, I second the motion put forward by Chanyeol to have a completely different conversation right now." Yifan grumbles.
"Here here!' Chanyeol shouts with a grin.
Baekhyun shrugs and ignores Chanyeol. "Yeah yeah, whatever, like you and Junmyeon are actually ever going to go all the way. Knowing you, you're just hem-hawing over being prepared for the impossible, non-inevitable of you having sex. Not that I’m not all for having spare condoms on hand just in case, but..."
Yifan frowns and blinks slowly, confused but also getting the distinct impression that he’s just been insulted. Kyungsoo's the one to say, “What you just said almost made no sense.”
"And hey, that's a little rude," Jongdae points out, pausing in messing with his phone to send Baekhyun an unimpressed look. “They could do it if they want to, just let them work it out in their own time.”
“Oh whatever, they’re never gonna bone, I’m calling it now!” Baekhyun practically shouts, drawing sighs from most of the table.
And Yifan's...he’d be offended and annoyed in any other situation -- but it’s not any other situation. So he’s fine with Baekhyun's callousness, as long as it's not drawing any more attention to him than necessary. But unfortunately --
"Wait, but Yifan,” Baekhyun begins to say, sounding horrified. “Wait. You're...blushing.”
Ah, great. Yifan tries to look inconspicuous, and determines that it’s in his best interest to stay silent.
Tao looks up from the mini tomato he's throwing at Yixing, eyebrows knitting together. "What?” After a prolonged moment where he inspects Yifan’s stony face, he shakes his head a little. “Are -- wait, are you actually trying to get me to help you get condoms for Mama Junmyeon because you're too embarrassed to do it on your own or ask him to -- Yifan."
So this is officially going to maybe be a trainwreck in one way or another. Yifan needs to escape the conversation pronto, but doesn't know how. "Uh," he says, because if he denies this misunderstanding, that only leaves the worse truth to be uncovered. Is this better? Yifan is just trying to get out of lunch time as unscathed as possible, honestly.
Chanyeol laughs in disbelief; Jongdae is frowning a little, expression thoughtful and a little similar to the expression on Yixing’s face; Kyungsoo appears to be trying to master astral projection at this moment; and Baekhyun is back on the topic like a dog on a bone. This is horrible, but also the best alternative he’s got going for him.
"Oh this just figures,” Baekhyun is saying with all the glee in the world. “Oh my god, you're worse than I thought! Okay, Yifan, if you need someone to hold your hand and give you advice on the best condoms to get, you don't have to ask Tao for help. I mean, I've seen almost all of you naked I think -- "
"You've seen almost half the school naked, honestly," Yixing points out kindly.
"Anyway," Baekhyun plows on. "What I'm saying is that I'm like. A professional. I could totally give you better tips on buying protection, and getting the probably right size.”
“There's a joke here somewhere about you guessing Junmyeon's dick size,” Yixing says dully. Baekhyun ignores him.
“And we'll go to some random convenience store for it. Then you won't have to look Tao's parents in the face later on and know that they know that you're sexually active. Which, let's face it, would just make you combust on the spot in embarrassment."
Yifan is definitely blushing now, face hot. He notices that Jongdae is eyeing him with a strange look that Yifan can't quite place. When Yifan locks eyes with him, Jongdae lifts his hands in a defensive manner before going back to messing around on his phone and minding his own business. At least that's one less person to worry about. "Oh my god,” Yifan says, finally finding his voice. “Please shut up?"
Kyungsoo, failing at blocking them all out, frowns, annoyed, and reluctantly joins the conversation. "Listen, you know, Yifan's not actually a caricature of an omega or anything. Guys, come on."
(Chanyeol throws an arm over Kyungsoo's shoulders. "Come on, don't be like that, we're not trying to say that he is." He gets an elbow to his ribs for his troubles.)
"Yeah," Yixing says in light agreement. "There's no way Yifan is actually as flustered over condoms as you're making him out to be, Baekhyun. Give him a break.”
Tao chirps happily, "Or that Junmyeon wouldn't just handle it if he was."
Yifan, embarrassed as he is, can't help but grumble, "Gee thanks." Tao grins and pats him on the back reassuringly.
Baekhyun flutters his eyelashes and depending on what he says, this could make or break Yifan's escape chances. Yifan waits with bated breath to see which it’ll be. "Yeah, we all know Junmyeon handles everything."
“...Gross.” Yifan says with a roll of his eyes, and he throws a piece of lettuce from Tao's salad in Baekhyun's direction. "Don't be petty, it's not as cute a look as you think."
Baekhyun smiles grandly before picking up the lettuce and popping it in his mouth. "So says you."
"Hey, stop wasting my food!" Tao fumes. "It's for me, not for you to throw it and for Baekhyun to eat instead."
"You were already throwing bits of it at me," Yixing points out.
"Of my own decision and volition," Tao says sternly. "There's a huge difference."
Jongdae, who has been comparatively quiet ever since going back to what Yifan’s assumed is him texting Liyin, finally looks up from his phone again -- but very slowly. Very, very slowly, his eyes getting wide as they lock back onto Yifan. That's not -- that's not at all good.
"Then actually eat your salad if you're going to make a big deal of it, Tao," Yifan tells Tao, trying to act like Jongdae's eyes aren't wide as saucers. Maybe if he doesn't acknowledge Jongdae, Jongdae won't say anything?
No such luck. "Hey, no. No, wait a second. Junmyeon was out because he was sick yesterday," Jongdae says quietly, voice hushed with something not unlike suspense. Yifan can only watch in horror as this unfolds. "He said he was sick yesterday. But he's here today and totally fine. And just now, he only vague-answered me when I asked him about yesterday and -- and oh my god, today you're asking about pharmacies -- "
Yifan's trying to stay calm, but Kyungsoo's eyes have gone wide too, his expression the almost embodiment of an exclamation point personified. Yifan doesn’t know what he could possibly say to stop this from happening, but he still tries to say something. "Jongdae -- "
The others are in various points of being just about to piece it all together when Jongdae leans across the table and hisses, “Oh my god, did you guys have heat sex?”
There is exactly one second of dead stillness before anyone reacts. And then it ends.
Baekhyun whoops loudly, Yixing blinks a lot and frowns, Chanyeol gasps, mock scandalized, while Tao is actually scandalized and Yifan wants to sink into the floor and disappear forever. Kyungsoo and Jongdae keep staring at Yifan with wide, accusing eyes.
“What?” Yifan says, trying to play at innocent. “I don’t know what…”
Yixing, the quiet traitor that he is, demonstrates a devastating blow to this attempt. “What do you need from Tao’s family’s pharmacy, then?”
Yifan just stares, silently murderous, at Yixing for a very long time. Yixing only mouths 'unprotected? really?' at him before smiling serenely, like this is some kind of comeuppance that Yifan deserves. Well, okay maybe he does. He's definitely learned a lesson about how not worth it a spur of the moment decision is, that's for sure.
“Oh my god,” Baekhyun is saying. “Oh my god? I was wrong -- so wrong and, you know, I can’t believe you’re joining the disgustingly attached ranks of Jongdae and Liyin.”
"What?” Jongdae squawks. "Why am I getting dragged into this?"
Baekhyun makes a face like he isn't the one to blame, despite being the one who brought it up. "Hey, you have heat sex under 18, and you've brought any ridicule upon yourself. I can't believe you, Yifan." He glares at Jongdae. "You either, Jongdae. Even though it's old news."
(Yifan feels the beginnings of hope for the first time since lunch started. Maybe if he plays his cards right and is very very quiet and still, he can let the conversation topic change and then sneak away. After all, whenever Baekhyun brings up this theory about Jongdae and Liyin, Jongdae always gets...well...)
Jongdae rolls his eyes, scoffing viciously. “You know, Baekhyun, to this day I will continue to counter that you have no proof we had heat sex that weekend. So shut up.”
Chanyeol barks out a laugh, “Oh good one, like any one of us actually believes you didn’t.”
Jongdae puts his phone down on the table with way more force than necessary, visibly ruffled and annoyed. "Why are you doing this to me? Seriously."
But it is Kyungsoo who says, deadly slick and in a pretty spot on imitation of Jongdae’s voice, “‘But guys you don’t understand what it’s like for us betas, we don’t have them every month so if someone wants to wait for your heat, that means it’s real.’” Kyungsoo looks at Jongdae and gestures to him. “…Kim Jongdae, the beginning of sophomore year, in his rousing series of I just want Liyin to notice I’m in love with her.”
Jongdae laughs good naturedly, though the tips of his ears are red. “Okay, so you can shut the hell up too, Kyungsoo -- but you can’t tell me that it’s not true.”
“What, that you’re in love with her?” Chanyeol asks, just to be obnoxious, obvious by the way he's grinning.
Jongdae sighs exasperatedly, clearly annoyed, “No -- well yes, but. I mean the sentiment of waiting.”
Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. “That how she gets you to put out for her heats too? Her adherence to ‘the sentiment of waiting’?”
(Yifan is eyeing his escape options because this appears to be working? It’s actually working. Well, Yixing is looking at Yifan again like he's very very disappointed, and Tao is just staring open mouthed at Yifan like he's the biggest sinner of all time or something. But Tao is speechless and Yixing is wordlessly judging, so he'll deal with them later.)
Meanwhile Baekhyun is still going. “And what is this ‘I have no proof’? Excuse me, you both skipped school that Friday and came back the next Tuesday blissful and fucking glowing,” Baekhyun says, accusingly. “And then you mysteriously and suddenly stopped talking about the tragedies of heat sex being considered less important for betas? I’m sorry? But that’s not a coincidence, and I don’t need any more proof than that.”
Jongdae glares at Baekhyun and slowly says, deliberate as his eyes slide over to Yifan (whose heart sinks at the eye contact), “...Are you all really going to let Baekhyun rehash this same stupid argument, and let yourselves forget that Yifan and Junmyeon apparently had heat sex without protection and now somebody needs the pill?”
"I didn't forget for a second!" Tao says angrily, jabbing Yifan in the side of the leg with his knee.
The rest of everyone's attention has, of course, been immediately refocused back on Yifan. He decides to just avoid this fallout in as graceful a way he can figure. “Tao, text me later,” he mumbles, and he flees.
+++
So everyone else in their group knows by the time next class period starts (not like it’s hard -- most of them share first lunch, after all). Which isn’t a surprise, but the fact that Lu Han skips out on his own lunch to come find Yifan in physics, walking in the classroom literally to just point at him and splutter while looking bewildered, is a little much -- even for him.
“You’re leaving Sehun hanging right now in favor of dramatics,” Yifan tells him angrily, ears heating up at the way his classmates stare at Lu Han and murmur to one another in confusion. There’s no need for this whole thing to be any more public than it already is. “So really, who’s the worst right now?” The misdirected anger (because Yifan’s so stupid, and this is hundred percent his own fault, from start to finish -- ) works, because Lu Han looks appropriately ashamed and leaves soon after that.
‘I’m sorry it sort of just…got out during lunch’, Yifan texts Junmyeon apologetically as soon as he can, after physics and during what’s supposed to be his study hall...not that he’s planning on sitting in the library to be gawked at by Jongdae and maybe Jongin -- who might choose today to attend lunch, considering recent turn of events. The others aren’t going to let them live this down, and Junmyeon has lunch during last lunch shift, which is starting just about now. This means Junmyeon is either going to have to bear through lunch with the teasing and shock aimed his way, or he’s going to have to skip because Minseok is brutal when he wants to be and Jongin, who typically is quiet and obedient with literally everyone but Junmyeon, can latch onto that easily. Also Baekhyun’s been leading some sort of potshot crusade over the groupchat to give the two of them plenty of material to work with. To give everyone plenty to work with. Yifan wants to disappear off the face of the planet.
‘it's fine.’ Junmyeon texts back, easily and quickly. ‘let me know if you need help with anything though?’
Ah, and then there's that. The reason Yifan’s gotten them in their current predicament in the first place. ‘it's fine’ Yifan parrots back. ‘after tao got over his shock and idk disappointment in us he said he'd help me with it.’
There’s a bit more of a pause before Junmyeon replies. Yifan doesn’t know if that means something, or if he’s reading into things, but the text itself isn't all that incriminating: ‘that's not really what I meant but good to hear. talk to you later?’
He still feels weird, and heavy with so many counts of guilt. ‘okay’ Yifan says, then sends Junmyeon an innocuous emoticon -- and immediately gets an equally as innocuous and meaningless one in return. And that's cool and all but really, they both know there's a big elephant in the room that they're avoiding for now.
One thing at a time though, Yifan supposes, and goes back to trying to survive the rest of his day with as little additional fanfare and attention as possible. He has to turn off his phone to do that, but hey he's not about to be picky about survival tactics that work.
+++
So Yifan and Tao go to get the pill after school. Because Tao’s dad is super understanding, he buys it for Yifan and gives it to him while promising not to tell Yifan’s mom -- under the promise that Yifan will never, ever need a favor like this again in the future.
“Use protection -- or better yet, don’t be having sex,” he says sternly when he hands it over. “Or else I will be talking to your mother and holding true to the policy that I need parental approval for you to receive emergency contraception from my store.”
Tao is sucking on a lollipop and watching as Yifan blushes and nods, taking the little box from Tao’s father with downcast eyes and shame radiating off of him.
“Good thing he was on board,” Tao says as his father shoos them from the counter. “Because I totally couldn’t have snuck out actual pharmaceuticals, you know.”
Yifan groans and runs a tired hand over his face. “That was never what I was asking from you, Tao.”
They leave the pharmacy and sit on the curb outside for a while in silence, while Yifan examines the instructions on the box and wonders how bad this whole thing is going to be. Tao sucks idly on his lollipop.
“So like,” Tao finally says. “Junmyeon isn’t mishandling or pressuring you or anything, is he? Because I’ll beat him up if he’s pushing you to do it with no condoms.”
Yifan feels his ears get hot again. When will the suffering end? “Tao.”
Tao shrugs, “Hey, I have to check. You know, cover the bases. You didn't use condoms, and I'm sorry, but that's -- ”
"It was an accident and it won't happen again, I promise," Yifan tells him solemnly. This isn’t a lie or an exaggeration; it’s the one lesson he’s definitely come away with from the whole thing. It was dumb and not worth it and seriously, never again.
Tao mumbles something that sounds a little like it better not, but Yifan doesn’t comment and Tao doesn’t elaborate. "So," he eventually says, expectant. Yifan isn’t totally on edge, because this can’t get worse, but he’s not letting his guard down just yet. "No pressuring, right? Junmyeon isn't uncharacteristically being a jerk or anything?"
At that Yifan has to laugh...and it sounds horribly tragic. It’s a flatly fake and despairing laugh, brought up by the memories of pressuring. “No -- honestly, if anything this last time I was one doing the pressuring. It was…bad.”
Tao’s eyebrows shoot up and Yifan winces, because. Well. Judgment still sucks. “Bad?” Tao echoes, confused and worried.
“Well, not. Not bad.” Not entirely. Not that Yifan didn’t enjoy it -- and Junmyeon had said, well, all that stuff about enjoying it, too...just... Just he knows it was really messed up. And the two of them still haven’t had that talk. The one where Yifan basically apologizes profusely for being a screw up.
(Ugh, why is it that they always need to have talks? They’re horrible and as much as Yifan hopes every time for it to be the last time, he knows it’s not -- and that it’s better that way. Because communication is something you have to actually try to work on, and he’s determined to make this all work. They still suck, though.)
Tao’s looking at him, more expectantly than before. “Not bad? So, what was it?”
Yifan groans. “I don’t know. I... We’re fine, it was just an accident that shouldn’t have happened, is all.”
Tao still doesn't look impressed. "You're going to have to express yourself a little better, because I'm not understanding a word coming out of your mouth."
Yifan groans again and looks up at the sky to avoid all that judgment Tao’s sending his way. It's pretty chilly out here on the curb, and it makes him shiver. "I don't know, it was an accident but...I wasn't the one...um."
Tao coughs out a little unimpressed sound, just so Yifan knows that Tao’s not letting him off the hook still, even without looking. "Well, right, Junmyeon was the one in heat, we all got that. So...?"
Yifan shrugs. "So...I messed up. We uh." On one hand it's Tao, on the other hand it's Tao: he's, again, not always the best at being subtle or using indiscretion -- but he's not one to mince words, which is always great for advice. "Tao, this isn't really the first time we've messed around like this."
When he peeks back over, Yifan's so glad Tao connects the dots despite how vague he's being. Tao's expression slams straight into shocked. "On heat?"
Yifan runs an embarrassed hand over his face. "We've never -- not all the way -- but a couple of times, um... I mean, you know how -- how I am -- "
Tao puts a hand over his heart. "I am figuratively about to clutch at my pearls, Yifan. On your heat?"
"I know, okay? Which, that's why I feel horrible.” Understatement of the year. Everything’s so messed up, even in this weird eye of the storm like calm...or whatever this is. Yifan wishes he’d done the right thing like he should have, but he has to press onward. “When it's always been me, we -- I mean, we weren't really playing it safe but at least Junmyeon never jumped me."
Tao's eyes go wide. "I mean -- but did you actually -- there's no way you actually manhandled him...right...?"
"No!" Yifan shakes his head to emphasize that no, not really, not like that, no. "I just. I didn't leave after walking in on him and -- and I should have. You can't think when you're like that and he...I wanted to and he also wanted to...but I should have left right away."
Tao's shaking his head, tapping his lollipop against his lips. "I can't believe you and Junmyeon -- Baekhyun has been making vanilla nun jokes about you two this whole time, and really you've been messing around with heat sex -- ”
"Tao."
Yifan's face is burning, and his expression must be truly desperate, because Tao sighs and reaches up to pat the top of Yifan's head. "Oh my poor silly Yifan. Just go home and take your medicine. Worry about Junmyeon after tomorrow, when you're feeling better -- and talk to him, please?"
Yifan was planning on it, seriously. It's just... "I just feel so bad," Yifan admits, voice low, as he lets Tao’s hand stay nestled in his hair. "Because I should have been better for Junmyeon."
Tao sighs and ruffles Yifan's hair, which is a weird reversal. When did Tao get so grown? Yifan's supposed to be the older, wiser, rational one here. "As a fellow teen in a committed relationship,” Tao says quietly. “I have to say that...yeah. It's hard, not being in sync with your partner -- and, for you, Yifan, not being regular with your own schedule can’t help. But you don't always have to be responsible for everything around you. We're all stupid teenagers with impulse control issues."
Yifan scowls -- enough is enough and this advice receiving part of it is getting weird -- and pokes at Tao's outstretched arm. Tao laughs but untangles his fingers from Yifan's hair. Yifan bats his hand away faster, and says, "Yeah, but I bet your issues of controlling impulses have never led to needing to secretly get the morning after pill."
Tao hums lightly, licking carefully at his lollipop. "Well that's true. But hey, we learn from our elders, right?"
When Yifan glares a little, Tao shrugs, smiling around the candy in his mouth. "I'm serious, stop over-empathizing with the hypothetical suffering you've decided Junmyeon's going through and go home. You made a mistake. Just try to make up for it later -- it’s all you can do."
+++
"So," Junmyeon says, when they meet for milkshakes a few days later, just the two of them.
Yifan nibbles on his straw. "So."
Junmyeon snorts. "Okay. No reason to beat around the bush.” He stirs his shake with the straw and smiles over the table at Yifan. “You know, we’ve really got to stop meeting like this."
Yifan keeps nibbling on his straw, mulling that over. Junmyeon obviously means this awkward approach to talking about something high past the time when they should have talked about it, not the getting milkshakes thing. Which...yeah. Yeah, it's gotten and been old for a while. Yifan sighs. "Okay, then let's...talk?"
Junmyeon nods, firm and in charge. Yifan watches him quietly and lets him start. "Right, so...what happened the other day…”
Yifan pinches the straw, clearing his throat and trying to not get embarrassed at the memory of what it is exactly that did happened. “Can’t happen again, that’s for sure.”
Junmyeon nods again. “Agreed. So we make rules to make sure it doesn’t. Rules like -- like, simple ground rule is we avoid situations where what happened could happen for a while. Both of us."
Yifan swallows thickly. ‘Both of us’. It’s never been flipped before, until the other day. There was never a need for rules and precautions until Yifan messed it all up. "Yes, yeah definitely -- look, I'm sorry about that -- "
Junmyeon waves a careless hand and smiles, eyes crinkling like usual. "No, Yifan, it's fine."
But it can’t just be fine. No way. Yifan reaches over the table to lightly touch Junmyeon's fingers that are curled around his glass. His fingers are damp and a little cold from the condensation. "No it's not. I should have left. I made a really bad decision and I manipulated you -- or the situation, at least -- because I'm always -- I."
This is going to sound horrible, because it just is horrible. But Yifan takes a deep breath and soldiers on. "I always feel like I'm the desperate needy one and that...was a really terrible way to deal with it. But that’s what it was, I think."
There’s a very noticeable pause in the atmosphere. Junmyeon stares at Yifan for a moment before blinking slowly, mouth turning slightly down at the edges in thought. Yifan waits with a vaguely held breath; is this when Junmyeon breaks up with him…?
"...Huh,” Junmyeon eventually says. “That...is not really what I expected you to say."
Yifan's stomach flips anxiously. "I know. I know, it's messed up."
Junmyeon frowns, just a little. Yifan tries to keep calm and doesn’t pull his hand away. “Junmyeon?” He asks quietly. “Can you say something? Because I need to know how mad you are and if you want to break up and -- ”
Junmyeon fully frowns, but then quickly schools his face into something passive and holds up his free hand to stop him from talking. Yifan normally would mind, but right now he thinks Junmyeon has the right to do the things that Yifan kind of usually hates. Turnabout’s fair play and all that.
"I don’t want to break up, stop it.” Junmyeon says, insisting. “I’m just...I’m wrapping my head around how...so...just.” Junmyeon stops and shakes his head. Yifan thinks he sees a hint of a smile in the glint in his eyes, but he can’t be sure. It might be wishful thinking.
“Just. So, it wasn't about the..." Junmyeon pauses meaningfully this time while squinting slightly for some kind of build up. Yifan waits for whatever it is. "...heat of the moment? I mean, why it all happened."
It’s Yifan’s turn to pause, because that is a horrible joke (Junmyeon laughs, delighted). It's also the only way Yifan is convinced for sure that Junmyeon isn't...angry. About to break up with him. Junmyeon might even be totally okay, if he’s making jokes like that about what happened. But Yifan won’t let the whole thing slip and slide away with a single bad joke. This feels too important to let it. "I mean of course it was also about..." Yifan's voice dips lower, into a quiet murmur. "Wanting you. It's always been about that. I just really should have left, because that wasn't how it should have happened."
Junmyeon's amusement has dissipated, and in its place is a contemplative look. Like he’s just now actually realizing that Yifan’s not just embarrassed about the whole thing. "Yifan?”
He’s not sure what exactly Junmyeon’s asking him, but Yifan says the only thing he can think of: the honest truth. “I feel like I took advantage of you.”
Junmyeon makes a sound in the back of his throat, intertwining the fingers around his milkshake glass with Yifan’s fingers still layered on top of his. They’re still chilly and wet, but comforting all the same. “Honestly, I don't feel bad about it. Not like I was taken advantage of or anything. I just...I mean, yes, I agree. That wasn't how that should have happened. But that’s all this talk is about, promise. I’m okay."
Yifan looks imploringly at Junmyeon. "You’re sure you're okay? I wouldn't blame you if -- "
Junmyeon's smiling now, skeptical. "If what? I was, what’d you say, ‘mad and wanted to break up’? Why would I be angry with you? Honestly we kept setting ourselves up for failure, so this was bound to happen."
Yifan still isn't relieved. Maybe Junmyeon isn't emotionally fraught or anything, but still. "I should have left."
Junmyeon sighs heavily. "Okay fine, yes, you should have. But there were all those times when I should have left before we ended up messing around, so -- "
"But you usually only stayed after I begged you not to go -- "
Junmyeon's eyebrow ticks up, fingers tightening around Yifan’s. "Yifan, I don't get what you want me to say? What do you want to do, prove you’re the worst? I don’t -- "
Yifan doesn't know what he's trying to do either. "I don't know,” he admits, a whining kind of huff he doesn’t mean to exhale. Junmyeon’s almost frowning again. Ah well, might as well commit. “I...just know that it's not about precedence. And even if it was, then you were always the one trying to avoid going all the way."
Junmyeon sighs again, though his eyes are gentle as they search Yifan’s face. "Oh my god, this is about guilty blame -- Yifan, listen, I was always doing all that for your sake. For both our sakes. But we've both made bad decisions, okay? And -- look, what do you want me to say to convince you I'm fine?"
Yifan's feeling flustered, like he’s making something out of nothing. But what if there’s something? Even the tiniest little something? Yifan doesn’t want that to be left to fester into something ugly and hurting. He doesn’t want Junmyeon to be hurting in silence over how Yifan let him down on something really really important.
"I don't know,” Yifan admits quietly. “Junmyeon, I'm just...trying to take care of you, okay? Let me do this right this time. Let me apologize for taking advantage, okay? I promise it'll never happen like that again." Yifan doesn’t know what else to say, having talked himself in a circle. "...Okay?"
Junmyeon is staring at him, wide-eyed, but starts at Yifan prompting him to reply. Junmyeon smiles a little (and Yifan’s heart flutters at the sight, like usual). "Ah...I...sure. Okay. Thank you." Junmyeon ducks his head over his milkshake, shy all of a sudden. "It's not like I have any protests against you taking care of me."
That’s...how is he meant to reply to that? Yifan smiles too, jittery and off-footed and relieved all at once. He aims for a joke, "Hey, it's my natural inclination, right?"
Junmyeon looks up to very pointedly roll his eyes at Yifan, smile still in place. "Really? Okay, ground rule number two: no alignment talk."
Yifan's stomach swoops in something like nervousness -- but maybe it’s just whiplash from how quickly it feels they are settling back into normalcy again. That wasn’t so hard, this whole talking thing, now was it? "It was a joke, you know."
Junmyeon runs his fingers over Yifan's knuckles, his touch careful and soft. The laugh he offers up is careful and soft too. "I know. Now seriously, we need set some rules, come on..."
+++
The rules are as follows: if one of them walks in on the other having heat, for the time being they leave, no questions asked; no more sleepovers, though those have mostly already been nipped in the bud by Yifan's mother; next time they have sex it'll be totally planned and no one's going to be in heat; and emotional inadequacies and other internalized negativity or uncertainty, they talk about as soon as it pops up. That needs reiterating since their last 'big talk', because it seems to be the first thing that goes with them.
("I can't keep up with all the things you end up thinking when you’re constantly trying to read and attune to my emotions," Junmyeon says. "You sometimes seriously clam up and start living in your head and get weirdly intense, and there's only so much I can do when you get caught up in whatever headspace you're in."
Yifan trades him a complaint for a complaint. "Well, stop making me have to figure out when you're stressed or overwhelmed -- you pretend you're always okay, but things like preparing for debate competitions right after midterms and barely eating or sleeping and still pretending you're completely fine only makes me worry, you know?"
Junmyeon laughs and scratches his head, sheepish. "Okay, you've got me there.")
It's not a lot of rules, really, but it helps a little. It's a good foundation to build on. When Yifan really thinks about it, and about how they really need to do things like this openly talking thing more often, he realizes just how new their relationship is. They're still learning about one another and how to be dating each other. It's hard. It’s supposed to be hard, because the payoffs are so worth it, but that doesn’t change that it’s hard and they’re tripping up a whole lot.
"I think you guys are actually really adorable," Tao says. He's asked Yifan to help him load some things into his wushu school's van for some competition they're going to next weekend, but Yifan's pretty sure it's in part an excuse for Tao to check up on him. Yifan thinks that Tao, honestly, has been a little more worried than anyone else about the whole accidental-ish heat sex incident -- maybe because Yifan told him more about it than anyone else.
"Oh? We're not making you, what was it, clutch at your pearls anymore?"
Tao throws a punch mitt at him (it hits him right on the nipple, ouch, and Yifan glares). "Shut up. Remember how I said you learn from your elders? Well, in a sense I'm your elder in dating expertise."
Yifan rubs at the sore spot on his chest and hands the discarded mitt back to Tao. "Are you about to give me more advice?"
Tao hums and tosses the mitt into the van's trunk. "Not really. It's just...it's cute that you guys are still figuring it out. But I am here to tell you to rest assured, and keep working at it."
Yifan leans heavily against the van. "Shouldn't you be sharing this advice with the newest couple in our ranks instead of me?"
Tao waves a hand, mouth pursed. "No, I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole, they're both so weird. And anyway you guys were the one in crisis." Tao leans against the van as well, crossing his arms. "Mm, and did you guys have a good talk?"
Yifan smiles, and nudges Tao playfully. It's always nice to have someone looking after you, after all. "Yes we did, thank you very much. Actually seriously, it was a good talk. I even ordered Junmyeon around a little, Kyungsoo would have been proud of me."
Tao nudges him back, his mouth slowly curling into a sly type of smile. "Yeah, see? Maybe we’re not natural born aggressors, but it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to be aggressive when the going gets tough, right?"
Yifan can't stop himself from bursting out laughing at how Tao wriggles his eyebrows in a way that has to insinuate some kind of innuendo there. "Oh my god, Tao."
+++
"So," Sehun says, seeming to pay more attention to a knot in the chain of whatever necklace he has on than Yifan. He doesn't seem to notice that it's tucked into his shirt, and if Yifan were not on guard, not fooled by this bait and switch tactic, he might tell Sehun to fix his collar so his outfit aesthetic or whatever isn't ruined (or whatever). As is, he's eyeing Sehun carefully, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Sehun does not disappoint. Still messing with his chain, he says, offhandedly, "Seeing how Tao has finally stopped talking about you all the time with me, I'm assuming things are going well with you and your betrothed?"
Yifan glares. "He's not my betrothed. Why does everyone love marriage jokes so much?"
Sehun looks surprised. "Oh, am I late to the party? Are we all not supposed to be constantly telling you and Junmyeon that you're getting married 24/7 anymore? I didn't get the monthly newsletter on the new ways we're messing with each other, so..."
Yifan puts a heavy hand on Sehun’s shoulder to get him to shut up. "Sehun," he says solemnly. "Please be quiet."
Sehun looks up and squints, but acquiesces. For a second anyway. He goes back to fiddling with his necklace, and forgets the request the second they break eye contact. "I take it you're nervous about the upcoming wedding then, since you're so tense."
Yifan rolls his eyes. This could be worse. Sehun could be saying way cruder things. Yifan hasn't talked to Baekhyun for probably what's been four days now. He only just unblocked Chanyeol on all his social media yesterday. There's just worse to have to deal with, is all. "Not everyone’s into matchmaking these days," Yifan grumbles, still wary of where Sehun could take this. There’s still time for things to get ugly. "So I just don't get this preoccupation with this joke."
Sehun leaves the now unknotted chain alone and starts to mess idly with his bangs, but not before sending Yifan a skeptical look. Yifan blatantly does not glare back, because he’s actually nice, even when he doesn’t want to be. "Uh, old rich families definitely still do it -- and hate to break it to you, but Junmyeon’s family is definitely old and rich."
Yifan’s expression turns skeptical as well. “Uh, before you cast any stones...your family is old and rich too, remember? I mean -- how was that fancy dinner yesterday night?”
Sehun rolls his eyes. “Ugh, dumb and boring and long, like they always are every couple of weeks we have to go. But of course I know my old, rich family is old and rich -- we’ve been in the matchmaking industry for the old and rich for forever.” Sehun leaves his bangs alone and leans his cheek against his hand, leveling Yifan with a bland gaze, though there’s a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. “So I’d know more about the matchmaking tendencies nowadays than you.”
Yifan pauses because Junmyeon's family...well, they might qualify for an old and traditional type of family that might employ Sehun’s family’s service, but Yifan’s family certainly does not. Does Sehun think that maybe Junmyeon’s family would be on him about getting matched if they knew exactly what he and Junmyeon have been up to?
Yifan shakes his head to rid himself of the thought. He can’t worry about things like that. “Well, anyway me and my mom definitely aren't going to be asking your parents about getting me a betrothed, and I'm pretty sure Junmyeon’s parents aren't into that whole, ridiculous scene.”
Yifan pauses again, as he remembers that Sehun's parents kind of are, beyond working in the business. Sehun’s older brother literally got married two years ago to a match their parents set up for him. Sehun's not so much affected, seeing as he’s dating Tao and how being the youngest accounts for all kinds of leeway, but it seems rude to talk backhandedly about his parents’ stance in Sehun’s face like this. For heaven’s sake, Sehun’s parents still make them go to weird fancy dinner gatherings of all the older family lines in the nearby area, fairly regular get-togethers that Junmyeon’s been joking about never being caught dead at for the past three or so years ever since his parents stopped making them go.
"Uh sorry." Yifan offers carefully. “They aren’t ridiculous, I guess. But it’s just -- me and Junmyeon aren’t getting married in high school, you know?”
Sehun snorts, but it's in good nature since he's fully grinning now. "Nah, it’s fine. I know you’re not getting married -- I'm just kidding, because I know it’s a sore spot. But sorry, I'll stop.”
Sehun’s kind of a good kid, when you get right down to it. Yifan offers a smile in return, just happy things still haven’t taken a soured turn.
Sehun laughs a little, then goes back to his default stoic expression. “Anyway, please look over my homework like you're supposed to be doing, since this is a study date after all." Sehun bats his eyelashes with about zero other emotion on his face. It pains Yifan to admit how adorable that still is for some reason.
So Yifan sighs. "Hand it over."
While skimming Sehun’s accounting workbook, a class Yifan took last year, he makes small talk because Sehun’s clearly bored. He’s twiddling around with his necklace chain with one hand, and the charm dangling on his cellphone with the other, as he stares at his phone, occasionally pressing on a button or two, maybe taking a moment to text here and there.
"How’s dance going?' Yifan asks, looking up from how all of Sehun’s spreadsheets are a row off.
Sehun scoffs. It’s not a mean sound. "Alright. The winter showcase might actually get put together on time this year, Jongin is being super anal retentive and it's rubbing off on the rest of us, captain included. It’s making our instructor work us harder.” Sehun rolls his eyes, but Yifan can tell he is really excited at the prospect. “Which is annoying, but I guess also kind of cool because I would kill to not have to be scrambling to learn set lists a week before the performance this year."
Yifan’s phone lights up on the table, and when he glances it's a text from Baekhyun that opens up with: ‘please stop avoiding me I just want to give you your membership card to the tramp club it's my duty as president why are you -- '
Yifan deletes it without reading the rest, while Sehun continues to explain in detail what ways Jongin’s ‘anal retentive tendencies’ have pros and cons. “Like, honestly,” Sehun says. “It's a huge pain in the ass, and not all of us pick up on a routine as fast as him...but I am getting faster at it nowadays. So there's a plus."
"Well, you're learning, that's good," Yifan says while crossing out one of Sehun’s wrong answers and writing the correction in the margin. "Do you think you'll keep dance up?"
Sehun stretches and yawns. "Hm? Um, for a while, yeah. It'll probably help me get into college, and after that maybe it'll be a casual hobby? Like a club or something.” Sehun puts his phone down and looks at Yifan with a questioning gaze. “Hey, do you think Yixing will pick it up again in college too, like that? Losing him was kind of a big hit, and he's really good at it. He should keep doing it at some level, you know? Even just a hobby."
Yifan shrugs uncertainly. "I’m not sure...but it can't be helped. I think he's more aiming for music composition now -- I mean, after the science stuff."
Sehun rolls his eyes and slouches in his seat, not amused. Yifan smiles a little at how easy it is to read Sehun, even though he tends to cycle through the same handful of facial expressions at the rate of a sloth. "You mean after the valedictorian stuff."
Yifan shakes his head, still smiling, and crosses another answer out with purposeful flourish. "Not all of us are too ambivalent to be bothered by our grades, Sehun."
Sehun slouches further. "Hey, I'm finding myself. Going through the throes of youth, trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to major in in college, and conserving my energy in the meantime. Let me live."
Yifan bites down on a sudden urge to laugh. It’s partly because Sehun’s funny and weird and Yifan always enjoys that, and partly because well… Seeing how this is the longest conversation Yifan has had with someone in days that hasn't devolved into being about a certain specific topic, Yifan thinks it's a pretty good sign that things are blowing over. And that feels good.
Yifan’s phone lights up again. It's from Junmyeon this time: ‘please start texting baek back soon, he's taking it out on me and I'm going to be forced to hurt his fragile ego at this point (by siccing Kyungsoo on him.......)’.
Well, alright. Things are only just starting to blow over. A start is better than nothing.
"Oh," Sehun says with genuine interest, picking up and clicking away on his phone with both hands now. "Chanyeol is texting out real time updates of Junmyeon pitting Kyungsoo and Baekhyun against each other. Mind if I read them to you? Put my homework down, that can totally wait."
“Can it, really?” Yifan says, even as he abandons Sehun’s homework for his own phone. 'I'm hearing through the grapevine that you're already enacting retribution against him though?' Yifan texts Junmyeon.
'oops?' Junmyeon texts back immediately and Yifan can imagine the wide-eyed almost entirely (but actually not all) sincere way he'd say it in person.
'except you don't mean that and you're evil.'
Junmyeon only texts back a smiley face. Sehun’s reading out the increasingly ridiculous updates from Chanyeol and Yifan figures, fine; tomorrow he'll tell Baekhyun thanks but no thanks, he can keep any membership cards to himself.
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