Keep Going Crazy
Title: Keep Going Crazy
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Rating: R ... NC-17
Disclaimer: Boys don't belong to me except in my own little, delusional world.
Summary: Jaejoong figures it's normal to fall in love with your best friend, even if he's straight. After years of telling each other everything, Jaejoong confesses and expects the worse: not Yoochun rejecting him, but the end of their friendship.
A/N: This fic is for lost_screws's birthday! Happy Birthday darling! I hope you enjoy your awkward!JaeChun!!! ♥♥♥
Jaejoong met Yoochun when they were eight years old. Yoochun spoke English. Really good English, and he taught everyone in the neighborhood how to say “cowabunga” and “fuck off”. He didn’t make friends easily, because he was American, even if he was born in Korea and his parents were Korean. He’d moved to America when he was one. He didn’t know how to do anything Korean and he messed up the language sometimes.
After a year, no one cared anymore, but Jaejoong hadn’t cared to begin with, so they were best friends.
In middle school, they both decided they liked music, and they even ran away for a day to go try out for an entertainment company. Neither made it, but Yoochun continued to work hard and learn the piano. Jaejoong gave it up, and only sang when Yoochun asked him to. Jaejoong decided art was more his forte anyway.
Middle school gave way to high school. Yoochun made new friends. Music friends. Jaejoong learned oil painting.
It wasn’t until second year that Jaejoong realized they were drifting apart.
He sat on the lawn, away from the school, puffing on a cigarette. He and Yoochun bought their first pack a couple years ago and they smoked them all until they threw up.
He waited. Ten minutes before class was due to start, Yoochun showed up, followed by an entourage of guys and girls. Jae watched them. One girl had her arm through Yoochun’s and it took all of Jae’s willpower not to burst into tears. Yoochun always had a girlfriend. He told Jae once that all he had to do was play a song and sing for a girl and he could get them naked in a few minutes.
Jae hadn’t replied to that. Girls were … he didn’t want to think of an adjective. He had eight older sisters. He spent enough time with girls. School was a reprieve. He knew the rumors that circled school about him. He was pretty, too pretty, prettier than most of the girls at school. Delicate hands, too big eyes. He learned how to take care of his skin and hair from his sisters.
Yoochun leaned against the wall of the school. A few of his friends went inside.
Yoochun looked right at him, but when he smiled, Jae looked away. He lay back, so he wouldn’t have to see Yoochun, and stared at the sky.
He wasn’t really surprised when he heard footsteps coming closer.
“JaeJae,” Yoochun said and flopped next to him. At least he was alone.
“Hey, ChunChun.”
“You’re going to be late for class.”
“Ditch with me?”
Yoochun laughed. “What?”
Jae sat up, propping up on his elbows. “When was the last time we ditched school together?”
Yoochun frowned. He tugged at the grass, yanking it out.
“You can’t even remember,” Jae accused.
“It’s been awhile, sorry. And I can’t. I promised Mirae I’d sit with her at lunch.”
“How are things with Mirae?”
Yoochun shrugged. “Okay. I guess. She still won’t let me touch her though.”
“Better to quit while you’re ahead and go get it from someone willing to give it.”
Yoochun laughed. “Where’s the challenge in that?”
“You’re such a bastard,” Jae said. He’d meant it to be a joke, but it came out a lot harsher than he meant.
“What’s wrong with you?” Yoochun demanded.
“Nothing,” Jae said and lit another cigarette. The warning bell rang. After a drag, Yoochun requested the cigarette with outstretched fingers.
Jae handed it over with a sigh. He watched Yoochun take a drag, his cheeks hollow. Smoke billowed from his nose and slipped from between his lips. He shivered and looked away. Yoochun was too good looking.
“So we sit here in silence and you don’t tell me what’s bothering you?”
Jae scoffed. “You’re finally realizing something is bothering me. Good for you.”
“Jaejoong,”
“Fuck off.” Jae stood up, but didn’t manage a step before Yoochun grabbed the back of his pant leg. His balance was always bad, and being a sort of a klutz, he tripped and fell over, landing mostly on Yoochun. He tried to move away, but Yoochun wrapped his arms around him, and honestly, Jaejoong didn’t mind. He clutched at Yoochun’s school jacket and buried his face in Yoochun’s shoulder.
“God, Jaejoong. What’s wrong?” Yoochun asked.
“I miss you, okay,” Jae practically shouted into Yoochun’s body. “You never … we never hang out anymore and you’re always with Mirae or Yunho or Junsu or … it’s like we’re not even friends anymore.”
“That’s stupid,” Yoochun said. “We’ll always be friends.”
This time when Jae pushed away, Yoochun let him go. Jae sat up. Yoochun handed him the cigarette. He took a drag and then turned away. Yoochun’s hand settled on his hip, comforting and agonizing all at one.
“You know the rumors going on around school about me?”
“What about them? I always tell people they’re lies.”
Jaejoong met Yoochun’s eyes.
After a moment, Yoochun’s eyes widened. “Okay, so they aren’t lies. How long have you known?”
Since I started jerking off thinking of you when I was fourteen, Jae shrugged. “It’s one of those things that sneaks up on you and when you finally admit it, you realize it was true all along.”
Yoochun nodded.
“I …” Jaejoong stopped and had to swallow. “I … I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
“What? Why?” Yoochun demanded. “Because you’re gay? That’s stupid.”
“No … I …” Jae took a really deep breath. He stood up again, this time not as quickly. “I can’t be friends with you when I want more from you and you can’t give me more.”
Jae felt heat rush up to his cheeks and he turned around and walked, away from the school, away from Yoochun still lying, shocked on the grass. He cried, chest heaving, trying to control his emotions.
Yoochun did not come after him.
He went home, ignored his sisters and locked himself in his bedroom. He put in his earbuds and listened to music to drown out the knocking and their worried shouts.
No, he did not need ice cream.
No, he did not get dumped.
No, he did not break a nail.
No, he did not tear a hole in his favorite pair of jeans.
No, he did not need to go shopping to feel better.
Really? And people were surprised he was gay.
He felt his phone vibrating and checked the display. Yoochun.
He sighed and let it ring. After five tries, Yoochun sent him a text.
ChunChun + You can’t avoid me forever. I know where you live. And your sisters love me. +
Jae smiled, but he didn’t reply.
ChunChun + this isn’t fair. You can’t call off our friendship without me having a say in it. +
Jae sighed. It took threatening their friendship to get Yoochun to talk to him. It’d been at least two weeks since Yoochun texted him. Or called him. Jae still texted and called him, but Yoochun was always busy.
ChunChun + please, JaeJae, talk to me +
ChunChun + you’re not supposed to confess and then run away. Don’t you watch dramas? You got to do it right +
Finally Jae texted back, anger rushing through him.
JaeJae ~ so I’m just supposed to stay there and wait for you to reject me and then run away? Yeah, no thanks. Leave me alone ~
ChunChun + I’m not going to leave you alone +
JaeJae ~ then I’ll block your number ~
ChunChun + okay. I dare you +
Jae’s breath caught and he buried his face in his pillow. He couldn’t block Yoochun out of his life (and really, his cell phone was his life).
ChunChun + let me come over +
JaeJae ~ No. Leave me alone ~
ChunChun + desperate times, desperate measures, my BFF +
JaeJae ~ don’t bribe my sisters, please. They already won’t leave me alone ~
ChunChun + fine. I won’t, as long as you let me in your window in ten minutes +
Jae sighed. Defeated.
JaeJae ~ it’s open ~
ChunChun + see you soon ♥ +
A heart? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Jae sighed and lay on his bed, back to the window. He stared at Yoochun’s last text until his bed dipped and an arm draped around his waist. The earbud was removed and then Yoochun chuckled.
“You’re listening to Wonder Girls? Not really the ‘I’m pissed off, leave me alone’ music I was expecting.”
“Fuck off,” Jae said and buried his face into his pillow.
They lay in silence for a long time, Jae still staring at the text. It was nice. It was perfect. And it was agonizing, because it was what Jae wanted, but Yoochun was only there as his friend. It wasn’t intimate, or cozy. But supportive. Jaejoong hated it.
Yoochun moved closer and put his head on Jaejoong’s, their cheeks pressed together. “When are you going to talk to me?”
“When are you going to leave me alone?”
“When you die,” Yoochun said, “and you better hope you die first, because if I die first, you know I’m going to haunt your ass.”
Jae laughed; he couldn’t help it. Their bodies shifted again and both of Yoochun’s arms wrapped around Jaejoong, one over his shoulder, the other still around his waist. Jae sighed. It was comfortable. He fit in Yoochun’s arms perfectly.
“I’m sorry,” Yoochun said.
“For what?”
“Abandoning you. I didn’t even realize it.”
“People grow apart.”
“But we shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
Yoochun shrugged. “Because. BFFs. All that jazz.”
“And I said I can’t be friends with you.”
“Which is stupid.”
Jae tried to get away. “It’s not stupid, you asshole. Even this. Even … you’re just … you’re not … and I want … go away!” He shouted the last one before dissolving into another fit of tears.
Yoochun tightened his hold.
“I - I want so much,” Jae said.
Yoochun smiled. “Everyone wants a piece of me.”
“Fuck off.”
Yoochun forced Jae to move, to lie on his back, and then he laid flush against him, propped up on an elbow, his leg thrown over Jaejoong’s. He used one hand to wipe Jaejoong’s tears away. Jae whimpered and leaned into the touch.
“Don’t shut me out,” Yoochun whispered. “Please. I ... I understand. About the loving me thing, wanting me. I mean, everyone else does, and-“
“Stop making jokes, please.”
“Tell me it’s not true.”
“Arrogant bastard.” Jae turned his face away, but Yoochun turned it back with fingers on his chin.
“Jae, please. I-I don’t know how to deal with this, but losing you is not an option. Understand?”
Jae bit his lip and nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Yoochun lowered himself and nuzzled against Jae’s neck. “I’m glad you did. You … we are drifting apart and it’s my fault and I promise that I will spend more time with you, okay?”
“Okay.”
They lay together for a few minutes before Jae dared put his arm around Yoochun’s shoulders. Yoochun smiled, Jae felt it against his neck.
“This is really nice,” Yoochun said. “I can’t remember the last time we snuggled up on your bed when we were supposed to be in class.”
Jae said, “Last year of junior high, after you failed that math test.”
Yoochun made a face. “God, I hate math.”
Jae smiled.
After a moment, Yoochun said, “Come on. Let’s sneak out of here and I’ll buy you something to eat.”
“Okay.”
♥♥♥♥♥
Two weeks later, Jaejoong and Yoochun lay on the lawn after school. They shared a cigarette.
“Mirae dumped me,” Yoochun said.
“So I heard. How come?”
“Not spending enough time with her, and Yunho and Junsu are ragging on me for spending all my time with that art kid.”
“I hope you told them that the art kid was your best friend.”
“I did. They still think it’s weird.”
Jae chuckled.
Yoochun turned to his side. “I don’t care what they think. I didn’t realize how much I missed you.”
Jae smiled and looked away.
Yoochun’s hand settled on Jae’s chest, a light touch. Jae’s throat closed, and he swallowed, willing the lust away. Yoochun was so careful not to touch him, because Jae had said, “Don’t touch me. It’s too much.”
And Yoochun hadn’t touched him, no more than a brush of shoulders, but now he was and his fingers were rubbing back and forth, slipping between the buttons on his shirt, touching hot skin. Jae gasped.
Minutes passed.
Yoochun rolled over. “Come on. Let’s go get something to eat.”
♥♥♥♥♥
That weekend they went to the movies. They sat in the back and laughed at the stupid plot until people got mad at them, and they left half way through the movie. They threw popcorn at each other on the way home. A piece stuck in Yoochun’s hair and Jae bit his lip smiling, but didn’t tell him about it.
They went to Yoochun’s house because all of Jae’s sisters were home, and they so did not need that. Yoochun’s mom kissed Jae’s forehead.
“Yoochun, why is there popcorn in your hair?” she asked.
Yoochun turned accusing eyes to Jaejoong. “You let me walk all the way home with popcorn in my hair?”
Jae laughed and sprinted up the stairs to Yoochun’s bedroom, Yoochun close behind. His breath left him in a rush as Yoochun tackled him to the bed, crying foul and abuse and is this how best friends treat each other? He tickled Jae until Jae couldn’t breathe, and Jae beat weakly against his arms and back.
“Stop, god, stop. Please.”
Yoochun stopped, still over Jae, above him, pinning him to the bed with his hips. Jae reigned in control of his breathing until he realized this and then he stopped breathing, blushing and looking away.
“You’ll excuse me for the cliché moment,” Yoochun said.
Jae met his eyes in question. “What?”
Yoochun grinned. “Really, Jaejoong. You have to watch more dramas. The guy always tickles the girl into submission before kissing her.”
Jae’s breath caught, but before he could make sense of what Yoochun just said, Yoochun pressed their lips together. He was shaking, really shaking, and their eyes didn’t close. Jae’s were open in wide-eyed wonder. Yoochun’s were scared.
Jae hadn’t kissed him back and Yoochun pulled away. “And in most dramas, the girl swoons and kisses the guy back.”
“Am I a girl?” Jae asked.
Yoochun smiled. “No.”
“This is like totally different from a drama,” Jae said, breathing rapid. “You just … god, fuck. You kissed-”
Yoochun nodded. “Yes, I kissed you. Did you kiss me? No, you didn’t and you told me that you liked me, but you didn’t kiss me.”
“Oh my god, you just kissed me.”
“Again, yes, I did. And based on your reaction, you didn’t like it.”
Jae’s cheeks went bright red. “I loved it,” Jae whispered.
“Okay. Then I’m going to kiss you again, and you sure as hell better kiss me back.”
Jae nodded. “I will. Sorry, it … startled me.”
Yoochun rolled his eyes and kissed him again, and this time, Jae threw his arms around Yoochun’s neck and kissed him back. If Heaven really existed, Jaejoong was in it. Yoochun’s lips were chapped, his hands firm on Jae’s waist. Their lips shook and their breath was short for the first few kisses, until they were no longer nervous.
Jae figured it was a bad time to tell Yoochun that he hadn’t kissed anyone since that fiasco with SooHyun in sixth grade. He hoped he was doing alright. He followed Yoochun as well as he could, trying to concentrate on the technique and not get lost in the oh my fucking god, Yoochun is kissing me thoughts running through his head.
Yoochun pulled away and pressed their foreheads together. “You taste like lemon,” he whispered.
“Lip gloss.”
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “How did I not know you were gay?”
“Shut up.”
“Shut me up.”
Jae chuckled, nervous and pulled Yoochun down, hands on either side of his face. They kissed again, and they kissed until Yoochun’s mom knocked on the door, telling them dinner was ready.
Jae broke away, blushing.
“Stay for dinner, spend the night?”
Jae bit his lower lip and then nodded. “Okay. Let me call my mom.”
Dinner was tense. Jae had a hard time looking at Yoochun without blushing, and he couldn’t look at Yoochun’s mom without feeling guilty for corrupting her oldest son.
Luckily Yoochun’s younger brother had enough stories to tell about his day at school that attention was not focused on them.
Yoochun settled a hand on Jae’s leg under the table. Jae jerked up, met his eyes and didn’t stop the blush.
“What is with you two tonight?” Yoochun’s mom asked.
Yoochun shrugged. He tried to keep his face grave, but he ended up smiling, and then he laughed and hugged Jae one-armed. “Nothing,” he said. “May we be excused?”
His mom frowned, but she nodded. “Yes. You two go to bed at a reasonable time. I know it’s been a long time since you slept over, but the rules are still the same.”
“I know, I know. Homework first.”
Yoochun stood up and tugged on Jae’s arm. “Come on, Jae.”
Again, Jae couldn’t look at Yoochun’s family.
Yoochun shut the door and hugged him. “What’s wrong?”
“I … I feel guilty. You-you-“
“JaeJae. Don’t be stupid. You’re not making me do this. This is my choice and I want it. I want you. I love you, and really, I’ve never been happy with any of my girlfriends. The last two weeks, I’ve been happy.”
Yoochun kissed him, briefly. “God, can I throw you on the bed and ravish you now?
Jae shivered. “No. That is not something your mom needs to walk in on.”
“Ooh, yeah. Homework then?”
“If we must.”
Instead of sitting at Yoochun’s desk, they sat on the bed, cross-legged, leaning against the wall. Jae had a hard time concentrating, so he and Yoochun switched. Jae did Yoochun’s math homework and Yoochun did Jae’s English homework. At about ten, when Jae and Yoochun had long given up homework and were writing dirty messages back and forth, Yoochun’s mom stuck her head in the room.
“Don’t be up too much later, boys.”
“We won’t,” Yoochun said. “It’s been a long day.”
As soon as she shut the door, Yoochun dove across the bed and locked it. He crawled back to Jaejoong, and Jaejoong had to swallow and look away from the lust in his eyes. It was too surreal.
“This is crazy,” Jae whispered as Yoochun’s lips landed on his neck.
“Crazy, stop crazy; or crazy, keep going crazy?”
Jae laughed. “Keep going crazy.”
Yoochun pressed kisses up to Jae’s cheek and then across to his lips. Jae wrapped his arms around Yoochun again, pulling him down to the bed. Their bodies were flush, knees to chest, with Yoochun practically on top of him.
Jae’s head was spinning again. Skin, he wanted to touch skin. He pushed his hands past the bottom of Yoochun’s t-shirt and up the back. Yoochun shivered under the touch. He moved and took the t-shirt off. Jae swallowed, hands rubbing up and down Yoochun’s chest. Nerves came back.
Yoochun smiled and took his hands. He brought each one up to his mouth and kissed the palm.
Jae scoffed, smiling, definitely pleased at the treatment. “Could have sworn I told you I wasn’t a girl earlier.”
“You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve only been with girls,” Yoochun said.
Jae bit his lip. “I haven’t been with anyone.”
Yoochun’s eyes widened,
Jae slapped his arm. “Why are you surprised? Don’t you think you’d be the first person I’d tell if I lost my virginity?”
“Yeah, but … never?”
Jae shook his head.
“No hand job, no oral, nothing?”
Jae blushed. “God, when you say that it makes me feel innocent.”
“JaeJae, you own a vibrator, you’re not innocent.” An evil smirk flit over Yoochun’s lips. He leaned down and breathed on Jae’s cheek, tongue touching the corner of his mouth. “When you use the vibrator, do you think about me?”
“Chun,” Jae gasped, more heat spreading into his cheeks.
Yoochun pushed his body against Jaejoong’s, letting him feel his erection. “God, the thought of you fucking yourself with that and moaning my name has me all hard.” He shifted until he was lying on top of Jaejoong, a leg between Jaejoong’s. He pushed his hips down. Jae moaned at the pressure on his erection.
“It has you hard, too. Moan my name, let me hear it. Let me hear how you sound when you’re playing with yourself.
“Ch-chunnie. Yoochun, please.”
Yoochun smiled and kissed him, hard insistent, tongues wrapping around each other. They broke apart only long enough for Jae to pull his shirt off.
“God, when did you get all these muscles,” Yoochun asked, running his hands along Jae’s abs.
Jae blushed. “Um, because you stopped hanging out with me. I had spare time.”
“Wow. Then you should be thanking me for neglecting you.”
“You’re kind of stupid.”
“I know.” Yoochun kissed him more, and more, and more, and more. He suddenly sat back on Jae’s knees and unbuttoned his jeans.
Jae grabbed his hands, embarrassed and nervous again.
“Too much?” Yoochun said, worried.
Jae shook his head. “But I … I don’t feel comfortable doing this with your family home.”
Yoochun smiled. “Okay. If you promise to be as quiet as possible, I can stroke you off if you want.”
“If I want? If I want? You aren’t kind of stupid. You are stupid.”
Yoochun licked his lips. “You have to let go of me so I can unbutton your pants, smart boy.”
Jae let him go.
Yoochun undid his jeans and with a bit of a shift, Jae slid them and his boxers down and Yoochun finished pulling them off.
“You really are beautiful, Jaejoong,” Yoochun whispered, hands traveling up and down Jae’s body from his thighs to his chest. “I … I never really noticed until the other day when we were laying on the grass.”
Jae felt himself blushing, heat gathering on his cheeks and neck.
Yoochun very lightly took Jaejoong’s cock in his hand.
Jae gasped. It felt so good to have someone else touch him. Yoochun’s hand was so different than his own. Not rugged, but not soft.
“You alright?’ Yoochun whispered.
“Yeah, trying not to pass out.”
Yoochun chuckled. He leaned over Jae and pressed their lips together. He kissed him roughly as he sped up the strokes on Jaejoong’s cock.
“You, you, can I touch … fuck, ChunChun.”
Yoochun moaned. He released Jae’s cock for a moment. He shimmied out of his own clothes and then their skin pressed together. Jae’s hand shook as he found Yoochun’s cock; they stroked each other, still kissing, still gasping. Pleasure gathered so fast, so hard, so needy. Jae broke away from Yoochun’s mouth and moaned.
“Sh, JaeJae. Sh.”
“Chun, Yoochun, oh god, Yoochun.”
Yoochun kissed down Jae’s neck. Jae turned his head to give him better access and to bury his mouth in the pillow as he cried out. Yoochun continued down Jae’s body, licking and sucking on his nipples.
Jae revised an earlier thought. This was heaven.
The pleasure grew, his hand faltered on Yoochun’s cock, movements jerky as his orgasm approached. Yoochun’s mouth moved back up his body.
“Feel good?” he whispered, his own breath gasping.
Jae nodded frantically. A certain twist of Yoochun’s hand pulled a scream from him and he muffled it on Yoochun’s shoulder, biting down as his orgasm shot through him and he came in agonizing waves. Yoochun kissed him again, and he tried to follow it while his body jerked. Yoochun’s hand left his cock, but his arm didn’t stop moving. Yoochun echoed his moan, biting down on his lower lip and warmth splattered on Jae’s stomach and chest.
Yoochun fell on him.
“Fuck, you’re not exactly light,” Jae said.
Yoochun chuckled and rearranged, still on him, but no longer smashing him. They kissed again.
“Watching you come is now one of my favorite things.”
Jae smiled and blushed.
“Let’s get cleaned up and go to sleep.”
♥♥♥♥♥
School was hard on both of them. Jaejoong’s sexuality was common knowledge and more than one person ridiculed him for it. Yoochun did his best to act as a wall between Jae and the more aggressive abusers, sometimes actually putting himself between them.
After a week, and Jae came to their shared math class almost in tears, Yoochun had enough.
He held out his hand.
Jae bit his lip, but took it. It wasn’t odd to see them hold hands, but Yoochun refused to let him go. Through lunch, after school.
“Yoochun, what are you doing?” Jae asked, as Yoochun hugged him after school. “Everyone is staring at us.”
“Let them stare. I’m sick of you being ridiculed for something you can’t help. For something you want. You are not going to through this by yourself.”
“Yoochun?”
He turned around and smiled. “Hey, Mirae. How are you?”
“I’m okay. I really miss you though. Can we go out again?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m already seeing someone else.”
Mirae looked down at their joined hands. She scoffed. “Figures.”
“Is that a problem?”
“Yes. You’re guys.”
“So?”
“It’s wrong.”
Yoochun shrugged. “Says you. I say it’s right.”
A group had gathered around them, and Jaejoong tried to disappear behind him.
“It’s disgusting.”
“Really? Two guys kissing, touching each other-”
“Chunnie, please,” Jae said, mortified. “Please.”
Yoochun put his arm around Jae and let Jae bury into his neck. “None of your opinions matter. Leave Jaejoong alone. Oh, and Mirae, his skin is softer than yours and he’s a hell of a lot prettier than you are.”
Mirae’s mouth opened in disdain. She flicked her hair and walked away. Others in the crowd gave them dirty looks but left.
Yunho and Junsu stayed close. “You two dating then?” Junsu asked.
Yoochun nodded.
“Okay,” Yunho said. “We’ll spread it around and make sure no one bothers him. Should die down after a week or two.”
“Thanks guys.”
They left them, and people passing avoided their gaze.
Jae was shaking, trying not to cry.
“Hey,” Yoochun said, making Jae look at him. Yoochun pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “No more hiding, okay? I know it’s a bit lame, but be proud of us, proud of what we have. I love you.”
Jae held him tightly. “Thanks, Yoochun. I love you, too.”
“Come on. Let’s get to my house before my mom and Yoohwan get home. I have this sudden urge to reassure you with more than words.”
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Rating: R ... NC-17
Disclaimer: Boys don't belong to me except in my own little, delusional world.
Summary: Jaejoong figures it's normal to fall in love with your best friend, even if he's straight. After years of telling each other everything, Jaejoong confesses and expects the worse: not Yoochun rejecting him, but the end of their friendship.
A/N: This fic is for lost_screws's birthday! Happy Birthday darling! I hope you enjoy your awkward!JaeChun!!! ♥♥♥
Jaejoong met Yoochun when they were eight years old. Yoochun spoke English. Really good English, and he taught everyone in the neighborhood how to say “cowabunga” and “fuck off”. He didn’t make friends easily, because he was American, even if he was born in Korea and his parents were Korean. He’d moved to America when he was one. He didn’t know how to do anything Korean and he messed up the language sometimes.
After a year, no one cared anymore, but Jaejoong hadn’t cared to begin with, so they were best friends.
In middle school, they both decided they liked music, and they even ran away for a day to go try out for an entertainment company. Neither made it, but Yoochun continued to work hard and learn the piano. Jaejoong gave it up, and only sang when Yoochun asked him to. Jaejoong decided art was more his forte anyway.
Middle school gave way to high school. Yoochun made new friends. Music friends. Jaejoong learned oil painting.
It wasn’t until second year that Jaejoong realized they were drifting apart.
He sat on the lawn, away from the school, puffing on a cigarette. He and Yoochun bought their first pack a couple years ago and they smoked them all until they threw up.
He waited. Ten minutes before class was due to start, Yoochun showed up, followed by an entourage of guys and girls. Jae watched them. One girl had her arm through Yoochun’s and it took all of Jae’s willpower not to burst into tears. Yoochun always had a girlfriend. He told Jae once that all he had to do was play a song and sing for a girl and he could get them naked in a few minutes.
Jae hadn’t replied to that. Girls were … he didn’t want to think of an adjective. He had eight older sisters. He spent enough time with girls. School was a reprieve. He knew the rumors that circled school about him. He was pretty, too pretty, prettier than most of the girls at school. Delicate hands, too big eyes. He learned how to take care of his skin and hair from his sisters.
Yoochun leaned against the wall of the school. A few of his friends went inside.
Yoochun looked right at him, but when he smiled, Jae looked away. He lay back, so he wouldn’t have to see Yoochun, and stared at the sky.
He wasn’t really surprised when he heard footsteps coming closer.
“JaeJae,” Yoochun said and flopped next to him. At least he was alone.
“Hey, ChunChun.”
“You’re going to be late for class.”
“Ditch with me?”
Yoochun laughed. “What?”
Jae sat up, propping up on his elbows. “When was the last time we ditched school together?”
Yoochun frowned. He tugged at the grass, yanking it out.
“You can’t even remember,” Jae accused.
“It’s been awhile, sorry. And I can’t. I promised Mirae I’d sit with her at lunch.”
“How are things with Mirae?”
Yoochun shrugged. “Okay. I guess. She still won’t let me touch her though.”
“Better to quit while you’re ahead and go get it from someone willing to give it.”
Yoochun laughed. “Where’s the challenge in that?”
“You’re such a bastard,” Jae said. He’d meant it to be a joke, but it came out a lot harsher than he meant.
“What’s wrong with you?” Yoochun demanded.
“Nothing,” Jae said and lit another cigarette. The warning bell rang. After a drag, Yoochun requested the cigarette with outstretched fingers.
Jae handed it over with a sigh. He watched Yoochun take a drag, his cheeks hollow. Smoke billowed from his nose and slipped from between his lips. He shivered and looked away. Yoochun was too good looking.
“So we sit here in silence and you don’t tell me what’s bothering you?”
Jae scoffed. “You’re finally realizing something is bothering me. Good for you.”
“Jaejoong,”
“Fuck off.” Jae stood up, but didn’t manage a step before Yoochun grabbed the back of his pant leg. His balance was always bad, and being a sort of a klutz, he tripped and fell over, landing mostly on Yoochun. He tried to move away, but Yoochun wrapped his arms around him, and honestly, Jaejoong didn’t mind. He clutched at Yoochun’s school jacket and buried his face in Yoochun’s shoulder.
“God, Jaejoong. What’s wrong?” Yoochun asked.
“I miss you, okay,” Jae practically shouted into Yoochun’s body. “You never … we never hang out anymore and you’re always with Mirae or Yunho or Junsu or … it’s like we’re not even friends anymore.”
“That’s stupid,” Yoochun said. “We’ll always be friends.”
This time when Jae pushed away, Yoochun let him go. Jae sat up. Yoochun handed him the cigarette. He took a drag and then turned away. Yoochun’s hand settled on his hip, comforting and agonizing all at one.
“You know the rumors going on around school about me?”
“What about them? I always tell people they’re lies.”
Jaejoong met Yoochun’s eyes.
After a moment, Yoochun’s eyes widened. “Okay, so they aren’t lies. How long have you known?”
Since I started jerking off thinking of you when I was fourteen, Jae shrugged. “It’s one of those things that sneaks up on you and when you finally admit it, you realize it was true all along.”
Yoochun nodded.
“I …” Jaejoong stopped and had to swallow. “I … I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
“What? Why?” Yoochun demanded. “Because you’re gay? That’s stupid.”
“No … I …” Jae took a really deep breath. He stood up again, this time not as quickly. “I can’t be friends with you when I want more from you and you can’t give me more.”
Jae felt heat rush up to his cheeks and he turned around and walked, away from the school, away from Yoochun still lying, shocked on the grass. He cried, chest heaving, trying to control his emotions.
Yoochun did not come after him.
He went home, ignored his sisters and locked himself in his bedroom. He put in his earbuds and listened to music to drown out the knocking and their worried shouts.
No, he did not need ice cream.
No, he did not get dumped.
No, he did not break a nail.
No, he did not tear a hole in his favorite pair of jeans.
No, he did not need to go shopping to feel better.
Really? And people were surprised he was gay.
He felt his phone vibrating and checked the display. Yoochun.
He sighed and let it ring. After five tries, Yoochun sent him a text.
ChunChun + You can’t avoid me forever. I know where you live. And your sisters love me. +
Jae smiled, but he didn’t reply.
ChunChun + this isn’t fair. You can’t call off our friendship without me having a say in it. +
Jae sighed. It took threatening their friendship to get Yoochun to talk to him. It’d been at least two weeks since Yoochun texted him. Or called him. Jae still texted and called him, but Yoochun was always busy.
ChunChun + please, JaeJae, talk to me +
ChunChun + you’re not supposed to confess and then run away. Don’t you watch dramas? You got to do it right +
Finally Jae texted back, anger rushing through him.
JaeJae ~ so I’m just supposed to stay there and wait for you to reject me and then run away? Yeah, no thanks. Leave me alone ~
ChunChun + I’m not going to leave you alone +
JaeJae ~ then I’ll block your number ~
ChunChun + okay. I dare you +
Jae’s breath caught and he buried his face in his pillow. He couldn’t block Yoochun out of his life (and really, his cell phone was his life).
ChunChun + let me come over +
JaeJae ~ No. Leave me alone ~
ChunChun + desperate times, desperate measures, my BFF +
JaeJae ~ don’t bribe my sisters, please. They already won’t leave me alone ~
ChunChun + fine. I won’t, as long as you let me in your window in ten minutes +
Jae sighed. Defeated.
JaeJae ~ it’s open ~
ChunChun + see you soon ♥ +
A heart? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Jae sighed and lay on his bed, back to the window. He stared at Yoochun’s last text until his bed dipped and an arm draped around his waist. The earbud was removed and then Yoochun chuckled.
“You’re listening to Wonder Girls? Not really the ‘I’m pissed off, leave me alone’ music I was expecting.”
“Fuck off,” Jae said and buried his face into his pillow.
They lay in silence for a long time, Jae still staring at the text. It was nice. It was perfect. And it was agonizing, because it was what Jae wanted, but Yoochun was only there as his friend. It wasn’t intimate, or cozy. But supportive. Jaejoong hated it.
Yoochun moved closer and put his head on Jaejoong’s, their cheeks pressed together. “When are you going to talk to me?”
“When are you going to leave me alone?”
“When you die,” Yoochun said, “and you better hope you die first, because if I die first, you know I’m going to haunt your ass.”
Jae laughed; he couldn’t help it. Their bodies shifted again and both of Yoochun’s arms wrapped around Jaejoong, one over his shoulder, the other still around his waist. Jae sighed. It was comfortable. He fit in Yoochun’s arms perfectly.
“I’m sorry,” Yoochun said.
“For what?”
“Abandoning you. I didn’t even realize it.”
“People grow apart.”
“But we shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
Yoochun shrugged. “Because. BFFs. All that jazz.”
“And I said I can’t be friends with you.”
“Which is stupid.”
Jae tried to get away. “It’s not stupid, you asshole. Even this. Even … you’re just … you’re not … and I want … go away!” He shouted the last one before dissolving into another fit of tears.
Yoochun tightened his hold.
“I - I want so much,” Jae said.
Yoochun smiled. “Everyone wants a piece of me.”
“Fuck off.”
Yoochun forced Jae to move, to lie on his back, and then he laid flush against him, propped up on an elbow, his leg thrown over Jaejoong’s. He used one hand to wipe Jaejoong’s tears away. Jae whimpered and leaned into the touch.
“Don’t shut me out,” Yoochun whispered. “Please. I ... I understand. About the loving me thing, wanting me. I mean, everyone else does, and-“
“Stop making jokes, please.”
“Tell me it’s not true.”
“Arrogant bastard.” Jae turned his face away, but Yoochun turned it back with fingers on his chin.
“Jae, please. I-I don’t know how to deal with this, but losing you is not an option. Understand?”
Jae bit his lip and nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Yoochun lowered himself and nuzzled against Jae’s neck. “I’m glad you did. You … we are drifting apart and it’s my fault and I promise that I will spend more time with you, okay?”
“Okay.”
They lay together for a few minutes before Jae dared put his arm around Yoochun’s shoulders. Yoochun smiled, Jae felt it against his neck.
“This is really nice,” Yoochun said. “I can’t remember the last time we snuggled up on your bed when we were supposed to be in class.”
Jae said, “Last year of junior high, after you failed that math test.”
Yoochun made a face. “God, I hate math.”
Jae smiled.
After a moment, Yoochun said, “Come on. Let’s sneak out of here and I’ll buy you something to eat.”
“Okay.”
♥♥♥♥♥
Two weeks later, Jaejoong and Yoochun lay on the lawn after school. They shared a cigarette.
“Mirae dumped me,” Yoochun said.
“So I heard. How come?”
“Not spending enough time with her, and Yunho and Junsu are ragging on me for spending all my time with that art kid.”
“I hope you told them that the art kid was your best friend.”
“I did. They still think it’s weird.”
Jae chuckled.
Yoochun turned to his side. “I don’t care what they think. I didn’t realize how much I missed you.”
Jae smiled and looked away.
Yoochun’s hand settled on Jae’s chest, a light touch. Jae’s throat closed, and he swallowed, willing the lust away. Yoochun was so careful not to touch him, because Jae had said, “Don’t touch me. It’s too much.”
And Yoochun hadn’t touched him, no more than a brush of shoulders, but now he was and his fingers were rubbing back and forth, slipping between the buttons on his shirt, touching hot skin. Jae gasped.
Minutes passed.
Yoochun rolled over. “Come on. Let’s go get something to eat.”
♥♥♥♥♥
That weekend they went to the movies. They sat in the back and laughed at the stupid plot until people got mad at them, and they left half way through the movie. They threw popcorn at each other on the way home. A piece stuck in Yoochun’s hair and Jae bit his lip smiling, but didn’t tell him about it.
They went to Yoochun’s house because all of Jae’s sisters were home, and they so did not need that. Yoochun’s mom kissed Jae’s forehead.
“Yoochun, why is there popcorn in your hair?” she asked.
Yoochun turned accusing eyes to Jaejoong. “You let me walk all the way home with popcorn in my hair?”
Jae laughed and sprinted up the stairs to Yoochun’s bedroom, Yoochun close behind. His breath left him in a rush as Yoochun tackled him to the bed, crying foul and abuse and is this how best friends treat each other? He tickled Jae until Jae couldn’t breathe, and Jae beat weakly against his arms and back.
“Stop, god, stop. Please.”
Yoochun stopped, still over Jae, above him, pinning him to the bed with his hips. Jae reigned in control of his breathing until he realized this and then he stopped breathing, blushing and looking away.
“You’ll excuse me for the cliché moment,” Yoochun said.
Jae met his eyes in question. “What?”
Yoochun grinned. “Really, Jaejoong. You have to watch more dramas. The guy always tickles the girl into submission before kissing her.”
Jae’s breath caught, but before he could make sense of what Yoochun just said, Yoochun pressed their lips together. He was shaking, really shaking, and their eyes didn’t close. Jae’s were open in wide-eyed wonder. Yoochun’s were scared.
Jae hadn’t kissed him back and Yoochun pulled away. “And in most dramas, the girl swoons and kisses the guy back.”
“Am I a girl?” Jae asked.
Yoochun smiled. “No.”
“This is like totally different from a drama,” Jae said, breathing rapid. “You just … god, fuck. You kissed-”
Yoochun nodded. “Yes, I kissed you. Did you kiss me? No, you didn’t and you told me that you liked me, but you didn’t kiss me.”
“Oh my god, you just kissed me.”
“Again, yes, I did. And based on your reaction, you didn’t like it.”
Jae’s cheeks went bright red. “I loved it,” Jae whispered.
“Okay. Then I’m going to kiss you again, and you sure as hell better kiss me back.”
Jae nodded. “I will. Sorry, it … startled me.”
Yoochun rolled his eyes and kissed him again, and this time, Jae threw his arms around Yoochun’s neck and kissed him back. If Heaven really existed, Jaejoong was in it. Yoochun’s lips were chapped, his hands firm on Jae’s waist. Their lips shook and their breath was short for the first few kisses, until they were no longer nervous.
Jae figured it was a bad time to tell Yoochun that he hadn’t kissed anyone since that fiasco with SooHyun in sixth grade. He hoped he was doing alright. He followed Yoochun as well as he could, trying to concentrate on the technique and not get lost in the oh my fucking god, Yoochun is kissing me thoughts running through his head.
Yoochun pulled away and pressed their foreheads together. “You taste like lemon,” he whispered.
“Lip gloss.”
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “How did I not know you were gay?”
“Shut up.”
“Shut me up.”
Jae chuckled, nervous and pulled Yoochun down, hands on either side of his face. They kissed again, and they kissed until Yoochun’s mom knocked on the door, telling them dinner was ready.
Jae broke away, blushing.
“Stay for dinner, spend the night?”
Jae bit his lower lip and then nodded. “Okay. Let me call my mom.”
Dinner was tense. Jae had a hard time looking at Yoochun without blushing, and he couldn’t look at Yoochun’s mom without feeling guilty for corrupting her oldest son.
Luckily Yoochun’s younger brother had enough stories to tell about his day at school that attention was not focused on them.
Yoochun settled a hand on Jae’s leg under the table. Jae jerked up, met his eyes and didn’t stop the blush.
“What is with you two tonight?” Yoochun’s mom asked.
Yoochun shrugged. He tried to keep his face grave, but he ended up smiling, and then he laughed and hugged Jae one-armed. “Nothing,” he said. “May we be excused?”
His mom frowned, but she nodded. “Yes. You two go to bed at a reasonable time. I know it’s been a long time since you slept over, but the rules are still the same.”
“I know, I know. Homework first.”
Yoochun stood up and tugged on Jae’s arm. “Come on, Jae.”
Again, Jae couldn’t look at Yoochun’s family.
Yoochun shut the door and hugged him. “What’s wrong?”
“I … I feel guilty. You-you-“
“JaeJae. Don’t be stupid. You’re not making me do this. This is my choice and I want it. I want you. I love you, and really, I’ve never been happy with any of my girlfriends. The last two weeks, I’ve been happy.”
Yoochun kissed him, briefly. “God, can I throw you on the bed and ravish you now?
Jae shivered. “No. That is not something your mom needs to walk in on.”
“Ooh, yeah. Homework then?”
“If we must.”
Instead of sitting at Yoochun’s desk, they sat on the bed, cross-legged, leaning against the wall. Jae had a hard time concentrating, so he and Yoochun switched. Jae did Yoochun’s math homework and Yoochun did Jae’s English homework. At about ten, when Jae and Yoochun had long given up homework and were writing dirty messages back and forth, Yoochun’s mom stuck her head in the room.
“Don’t be up too much later, boys.”
“We won’t,” Yoochun said. “It’s been a long day.”
As soon as she shut the door, Yoochun dove across the bed and locked it. He crawled back to Jaejoong, and Jaejoong had to swallow and look away from the lust in his eyes. It was too surreal.
“This is crazy,” Jae whispered as Yoochun’s lips landed on his neck.
“Crazy, stop crazy; or crazy, keep going crazy?”
Jae laughed. “Keep going crazy.”
Yoochun pressed kisses up to Jae’s cheek and then across to his lips. Jae wrapped his arms around Yoochun again, pulling him down to the bed. Their bodies were flush, knees to chest, with Yoochun practically on top of him.
Jae’s head was spinning again. Skin, he wanted to touch skin. He pushed his hands past the bottom of Yoochun’s t-shirt and up the back. Yoochun shivered under the touch. He moved and took the t-shirt off. Jae swallowed, hands rubbing up and down Yoochun’s chest. Nerves came back.
Yoochun smiled and took his hands. He brought each one up to his mouth and kissed the palm.
Jae scoffed, smiling, definitely pleased at the treatment. “Could have sworn I told you I wasn’t a girl earlier.”
“You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve only been with girls,” Yoochun said.
Jae bit his lip. “I haven’t been with anyone.”
Yoochun’s eyes widened,
Jae slapped his arm. “Why are you surprised? Don’t you think you’d be the first person I’d tell if I lost my virginity?”
“Yeah, but … never?”
Jae shook his head.
“No hand job, no oral, nothing?”
Jae blushed. “God, when you say that it makes me feel innocent.”
“JaeJae, you own a vibrator, you’re not innocent.” An evil smirk flit over Yoochun’s lips. He leaned down and breathed on Jae’s cheek, tongue touching the corner of his mouth. “When you use the vibrator, do you think about me?”
“Chun,” Jae gasped, more heat spreading into his cheeks.
Yoochun pushed his body against Jaejoong’s, letting him feel his erection. “God, the thought of you fucking yourself with that and moaning my name has me all hard.” He shifted until he was lying on top of Jaejoong, a leg between Jaejoong’s. He pushed his hips down. Jae moaned at the pressure on his erection.
“It has you hard, too. Moan my name, let me hear it. Let me hear how you sound when you’re playing with yourself.
“Ch-chunnie. Yoochun, please.”
Yoochun smiled and kissed him, hard insistent, tongues wrapping around each other. They broke apart only long enough for Jae to pull his shirt off.
“God, when did you get all these muscles,” Yoochun asked, running his hands along Jae’s abs.
Jae blushed. “Um, because you stopped hanging out with me. I had spare time.”
“Wow. Then you should be thanking me for neglecting you.”
“You’re kind of stupid.”
“I know.” Yoochun kissed him more, and more, and more, and more. He suddenly sat back on Jae’s knees and unbuttoned his jeans.
Jae grabbed his hands, embarrassed and nervous again.
“Too much?” Yoochun said, worried.
Jae shook his head. “But I … I don’t feel comfortable doing this with your family home.”
Yoochun smiled. “Okay. If you promise to be as quiet as possible, I can stroke you off if you want.”
“If I want? If I want? You aren’t kind of stupid. You are stupid.”
Yoochun licked his lips. “You have to let go of me so I can unbutton your pants, smart boy.”
Jae let him go.
Yoochun undid his jeans and with a bit of a shift, Jae slid them and his boxers down and Yoochun finished pulling them off.
“You really are beautiful, Jaejoong,” Yoochun whispered, hands traveling up and down Jae’s body from his thighs to his chest. “I … I never really noticed until the other day when we were laying on the grass.”
Jae felt himself blushing, heat gathering on his cheeks and neck.
Yoochun very lightly took Jaejoong’s cock in his hand.
Jae gasped. It felt so good to have someone else touch him. Yoochun’s hand was so different than his own. Not rugged, but not soft.
“You alright?’ Yoochun whispered.
“Yeah, trying not to pass out.”
Yoochun chuckled. He leaned over Jae and pressed their lips together. He kissed him roughly as he sped up the strokes on Jaejoong’s cock.
“You, you, can I touch … fuck, ChunChun.”
Yoochun moaned. He released Jae’s cock for a moment. He shimmied out of his own clothes and then their skin pressed together. Jae’s hand shook as he found Yoochun’s cock; they stroked each other, still kissing, still gasping. Pleasure gathered so fast, so hard, so needy. Jae broke away from Yoochun’s mouth and moaned.
“Sh, JaeJae. Sh.”
“Chun, Yoochun, oh god, Yoochun.”
Yoochun kissed down Jae’s neck. Jae turned his head to give him better access and to bury his mouth in the pillow as he cried out. Yoochun continued down Jae’s body, licking and sucking on his nipples.
Jae revised an earlier thought. This was heaven.
The pleasure grew, his hand faltered on Yoochun’s cock, movements jerky as his orgasm approached. Yoochun’s mouth moved back up his body.
“Feel good?” he whispered, his own breath gasping.
Jae nodded frantically. A certain twist of Yoochun’s hand pulled a scream from him and he muffled it on Yoochun’s shoulder, biting down as his orgasm shot through him and he came in agonizing waves. Yoochun kissed him again, and he tried to follow it while his body jerked. Yoochun’s hand left his cock, but his arm didn’t stop moving. Yoochun echoed his moan, biting down on his lower lip and warmth splattered on Jae’s stomach and chest.
Yoochun fell on him.
“Fuck, you’re not exactly light,” Jae said.
Yoochun chuckled and rearranged, still on him, but no longer smashing him. They kissed again.
“Watching you come is now one of my favorite things.”
Jae smiled and blushed.
“Let’s get cleaned up and go to sleep.”
♥♥♥♥♥
School was hard on both of them. Jaejoong’s sexuality was common knowledge and more than one person ridiculed him for it. Yoochun did his best to act as a wall between Jae and the more aggressive abusers, sometimes actually putting himself between them.
After a week, and Jae came to their shared math class almost in tears, Yoochun had enough.
He held out his hand.
Jae bit his lip, but took it. It wasn’t odd to see them hold hands, but Yoochun refused to let him go. Through lunch, after school.
“Yoochun, what are you doing?” Jae asked, as Yoochun hugged him after school. “Everyone is staring at us.”
“Let them stare. I’m sick of you being ridiculed for something you can’t help. For something you want. You are not going to through this by yourself.”
“Yoochun?”
He turned around and smiled. “Hey, Mirae. How are you?”
“I’m okay. I really miss you though. Can we go out again?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m already seeing someone else.”
Mirae looked down at their joined hands. She scoffed. “Figures.”
“Is that a problem?”
“Yes. You’re guys.”
“So?”
“It’s wrong.”
Yoochun shrugged. “Says you. I say it’s right.”
A group had gathered around them, and Jaejoong tried to disappear behind him.
“It’s disgusting.”
“Really? Two guys kissing, touching each other-”
“Chunnie, please,” Jae said, mortified. “Please.”
Yoochun put his arm around Jae and let Jae bury into his neck. “None of your opinions matter. Leave Jaejoong alone. Oh, and Mirae, his skin is softer than yours and he’s a hell of a lot prettier than you are.”
Mirae’s mouth opened in disdain. She flicked her hair and walked away. Others in the crowd gave them dirty looks but left.
Yunho and Junsu stayed close. “You two dating then?” Junsu asked.
Yoochun nodded.
“Okay,” Yunho said. “We’ll spread it around and make sure no one bothers him. Should die down after a week or two.”
“Thanks guys.”
They left them, and people passing avoided their gaze.
Jae was shaking, trying not to cry.
“Hey,” Yoochun said, making Jae look at him. Yoochun pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “No more hiding, okay? I know it’s a bit lame, but be proud of us, proud of what we have. I love you.”
Jae held him tightly. “Thanks, Yoochun. I love you, too.”
“Come on. Let’s get to my house before my mom and Yoohwan get home. I have this sudden urge to reassure you with more than words.”
.