Because I have too much time on my hands.
Okay, so Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Vin Diesel are all badasses, right?
And as such, they all have a list of humourous facts dedicated to them, which almost everyone is incredibly sick of by now.
Now, are not the characters of "Battlestar Galactica" so incredibly awesome that they deserve their own lists? I say yes.
(Note: Us poor Canucks get Battlestar Galactica later, so these only include spoilers up to episode 3.08)
WILLIAM ADAMA
-Upon viewing the slow-motion replay of the battle which destroyed the Resurrection Ship, it becomes clear that the Ship was not, in fact, destroyed by Vipers, but spontaneously combusted when William Adama gave it a stare.
-It has been pointed out that the stunt pulled by the Galactica during the liberation of New Caprica was impossible according to all the laws of physics. Upon hearing this, William Adama hunted down the laws of physics and gave them a good talking-to. They haven’t been heard from since.
-Supernovae are William Adama’s way of telling the universe that sometimes stars need to blow the frak up.
- A five-minute lecture from William Adama was the preferred interrogation method in the Colonial Military before the attack, with a 100% success rate.
-When William Adama tried to shave his mustache, it broke every razor he tried on it. He had to burn it off by staring it down in the mirror.
-A sensitive and kind man, William Adama treasures all human life. That’s why you’re still alive.
-Willam Adama’s glasses, if tilted the correct angle with enough light, produce an energy beam capable of melting titanium.
-William Adama’s badges of rank are razor sharp, and can be used as lethal throwing weapons.
LAURA ROSLIN
-After assuming the Presidency for the first time, Laura Roslin did not have a cabinet or staff, and ran every single part of the government herself from Colonial One. Eventually she changed her policies in order to give Billy a job, but during this time the Colonial Government was 200% more efficient than it ever was before or has been since.
-Great oratory can inspire people to be better. Laura Roslin's oratory has been known to jump-start human evolution.
-Laura Roslin does not just receive prophetic visions from the future, but has sent them into the past. Today they’re called the Articles of Colonization.
-Laura Roslin does not simply veto bad bills. She erases them from the space-time continuum.
-After being criticized for the umpteenth time by the media, Laura Roslin gave a roomful of reporters her sad look. The death toll is still rising.
- Laura Roslin can smell lies. And when she does, she smells fear shortly thereafter.
-Leoben was not pushed out of the airlock. Laura Roslin can convince people to step out willingly.
STARBUCK
-Some people drink other people under the table. Starbuck drinks the table under the table.
-Starbuck has deliberately sabotaged the guns on her Viper so that they fire more inaccurately. Otherwise, no one else in the fleet would get any kills.
-Starbuck once managed to destroy five Cylon Raiders with one shot. Well, technically she destroyed one Raider and the other four self-destructed out of terror.
-Starbuck once took a nap in her Viper when on patrol. When she came back, the Cylon fleet was two Basestars smaller.
-It is said that Starbuck knows no fear. That is simply not true. Starbuck has a perfectly good mirror, and gets in touch with herself on a regular basis.
-While on Cylon-occupied Caprica, Starbuck drove through the streets in a big, noisy Humvee and was not attacked once. Cylon records show that whenever the Humvee was spotted, every Centurion in the area simply got the frak out of its way.
- Like all Cylons, Raiders can resurrect. For some reason, those destroyed by Starbuck refuse to, citing something about the entire Cylon race being doomed anyway.
SAUL TIGH
-Saul Tigh doesn’t get drunk. Alcohol gets Saul Tigh.
-It is one of the best-kept secrets in the Fleet that Saul Tigh’s eye was not, in fact, removed by the Cylons. When Brother Cavell tried to take it out, Tigh cut off his fingers by blinking hard. He then tore out his own eye, just for the look.
-There was no poison in the drink which killed Ellen Tigh, just Saul Tigh’s favourite whiskey.
-What the rest of the Fleet called Saul Tigh's military dicatorship, Saul Tigh calls summer camp.
-It is a Presidential regulation that Saul Tigh and Starbuck can never get into a drinking contest. Should the two ever appear to be on the verge of such a contest, the Galactica would be evacuated and the Fleet would initiate emergency Jumps to a safe location.
DOCTOR COTTLE (Why does Doc Cottle have more facts than Roslin? Because Cottle OWNS, that's why.)
-Doctor Cottle is almost solely responsible for the well-being of over forty thousand human beings in the Fleet. The average health of humanity has never been better.
-Doctor Cottle is a doctor and an escalator.
-Doctor Cotle is the real reason House has his limp.
-Doctor Cottle once got into a staring contest with William Adama. There were no survivors among the bystanders.
-Doctor Cottle is a firm supporter of euthanasia. His method involves guns.
-Doctor Cottle can perform a flawless, painless amputation using child safety scissors, paper towels, one bottle of light beer, and a duck.
-Doctor Cottle says he’s not dead, Jim, and by the Gods he means it.
-Doctor Cottle is in charge of delivering most of the fleet’s babies. Considering that half of them were fathered by him, this is only fair.
-Doctor Cottle can cure dysentry with a first-aid kit. An empty one.
CAPRICA SIX
-It is estimated that a single bat of the eyelash from Caprica Six is exactly 40.7 times sexier than the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Archive.
-Most Number Six models were built with only three speeds: Walk, Sex, and Kill. Caprica Six was built with only two. Guess which one got taken out.
-Caprica Six has the combined teachings of the Karma Sutra and Susan Johansenn stored in her memory banks. They’re in the folder labelled ‘Basic Moves”.
-There were originally 13 humanoid models of Cylon. Unfortunately, the thirteenth model had to be destroyed when one of the 13s made a very bad pass at Caprica-Six, leading to her kicking it in the balls so hard that all the 13s, everywhere, became instantly sterile.
-Before the destruction of the Twelve Colonies, the Cylons had to decide which was the better means of exterminating the population of Caprica: massive orbital nuclear bombardment or setting Caprica-Six to ‘Massacre’. Eventually they decided on the option which gave the Basestars something to do.
SHARON AGATHON
-It has been pointed out that for a machine like Sharon Valerii to get pregnant is a perversion of every known biological law. At last report, the biological laws were rumoured to be somewhere in the vicinity of the laws of physics.
-The blood of Sharon Valerii’s baby can cure cancer. This is not due to any medicinal properties, but is caused by the cancer sensing the presence of Sharon Valerii and getting the frak out.
-Sharon Valerii did not defect from the Cylons, but was exiled because they feared her awesomeness. Their loss.
TOM ZAREK
-Thousands of people wear Che Guevara t-shirts. Che Guevara wore a Tom Zarek t-shirt.
-Tom Zarek is a firm believer in ‘one person, one vote’. Unfortunately for you, he’s the one person, and it’s his vote.
-The original title of the Communist Manifesto was ‘Teachings of Tom Zarek’.
-Great revolutionaries can incite a crowd to riot with a ten-minute speech. Tom Zarek can incite complete strangers to revolt simply by pointing at the thing he wants overthrown and saying “Go.”
-As a child, Tom Zarek was afraid of the dark, until he had it assassinated.
-Tom Zarek was imprisoned without a fair trial. After realizing how much effort it would take simply to count the number of people he’d had killed, the Government simply declared him guilty.
-Originally, Tom Zarek blackmailed his enemies more often than he killed them. Eventually he realised that the blackmail victims wound up killing themselves out of Zarek-induced trauma anyway, so he got more efficient.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
-The Battlestar Galactica was built of steel forged in the fires of a blue sun, tempered with Cylon machine oil, and alloyed with human souls.
-The Death Star once tested its superlaser on the Battlestar Galactica. It scratched the paint.
-The Battlestar Galactica’s course to Earth actually took it right to the former location of the Cylon homeworld. “Former location,” because as soon as it realized the Galactica was coming, the entire planet ran away like a little bitch.
-Most ships which come near black holes disappear and are never heard from again. When the Battlestar Galactica comes near a black hole, the black hole disappears and is never heard from again.
-After it was built, the Battlestar Galactica’s weapons systems were calibrated by bombarding an uninhabited planet. Hence, space dust.
-The Battlestar Galactica’s FTL drive is the most powerful in the universe. She could jump to Earth right frakkin’ now if she didn’t have to drag all these frakkin’ civvies around.
-The Battlestar Galactica is the reason the Cylon Hybrids are so frakked up.
-Every night, when her crew is asleep, the Battlestar Pegasus looks at the Battlestar Galactica and begins to cry.
What do you think? If you think of any of your own, particularly for the characters I wasn't able to think of any for, please tell! (No spoilers past 3.08, though. I will break you.)
And as such, they all have a list of humourous facts dedicated to them, which almost everyone is incredibly sick of by now.
Now, are not the characters of "Battlestar Galactica" so incredibly awesome that they deserve their own lists? I say yes.
(Note: Us poor Canucks get Battlestar Galactica later, so these only include spoilers up to episode 3.08)
WILLIAM ADAMA
-Upon viewing the slow-motion replay of the battle which destroyed the Resurrection Ship, it becomes clear that the Ship was not, in fact, destroyed by Vipers, but spontaneously combusted when William Adama gave it a stare.
-It has been pointed out that the stunt pulled by the Galactica during the liberation of New Caprica was impossible according to all the laws of physics. Upon hearing this, William Adama hunted down the laws of physics and gave them a good talking-to. They haven’t been heard from since.
-Supernovae are William Adama’s way of telling the universe that sometimes stars need to blow the frak up.
- A five-minute lecture from William Adama was the preferred interrogation method in the Colonial Military before the attack, with a 100% success rate.
-When William Adama tried to shave his mustache, it broke every razor he tried on it. He had to burn it off by staring it down in the mirror.
-A sensitive and kind man, William Adama treasures all human life. That’s why you’re still alive.
-Willam Adama’s glasses, if tilted the correct angle with enough light, produce an energy beam capable of melting titanium.
-William Adama’s badges of rank are razor sharp, and can be used as lethal throwing weapons.
LAURA ROSLIN
-After assuming the Presidency for the first time, Laura Roslin did not have a cabinet or staff, and ran every single part of the government herself from Colonial One. Eventually she changed her policies in order to give Billy a job, but during this time the Colonial Government was 200% more efficient than it ever was before or has been since.
-Great oratory can inspire people to be better. Laura Roslin's oratory has been known to jump-start human evolution.
-Laura Roslin does not just receive prophetic visions from the future, but has sent them into the past. Today they’re called the Articles of Colonization.
-Laura Roslin does not simply veto bad bills. She erases them from the space-time continuum.
-After being criticized for the umpteenth time by the media, Laura Roslin gave a roomful of reporters her sad look. The death toll is still rising.
- Laura Roslin can smell lies. And when she does, she smells fear shortly thereafter.
-Leoben was not pushed out of the airlock. Laura Roslin can convince people to step out willingly.
STARBUCK
-Some people drink other people under the table. Starbuck drinks the table under the table.
-Starbuck has deliberately sabotaged the guns on her Viper so that they fire more inaccurately. Otherwise, no one else in the fleet would get any kills.
-Starbuck once managed to destroy five Cylon Raiders with one shot. Well, technically she destroyed one Raider and the other four self-destructed out of terror.
-Starbuck once took a nap in her Viper when on patrol. When she came back, the Cylon fleet was two Basestars smaller.
-It is said that Starbuck knows no fear. That is simply not true. Starbuck has a perfectly good mirror, and gets in touch with herself on a regular basis.
-While on Cylon-occupied Caprica, Starbuck drove through the streets in a big, noisy Humvee and was not attacked once. Cylon records show that whenever the Humvee was spotted, every Centurion in the area simply got the frak out of its way.
- Like all Cylons, Raiders can resurrect. For some reason, those destroyed by Starbuck refuse to, citing something about the entire Cylon race being doomed anyway.
SAUL TIGH
-Saul Tigh doesn’t get drunk. Alcohol gets Saul Tigh.
-It is one of the best-kept secrets in the Fleet that Saul Tigh’s eye was not, in fact, removed by the Cylons. When Brother Cavell tried to take it out, Tigh cut off his fingers by blinking hard. He then tore out his own eye, just for the look.
-There was no poison in the drink which killed Ellen Tigh, just Saul Tigh’s favourite whiskey.
-What the rest of the Fleet called Saul Tigh's military dicatorship, Saul Tigh calls summer camp.
-It is a Presidential regulation that Saul Tigh and Starbuck can never get into a drinking contest. Should the two ever appear to be on the verge of such a contest, the Galactica would be evacuated and the Fleet would initiate emergency Jumps to a safe location.
DOCTOR COTTLE (Why does Doc Cottle have more facts than Roslin? Because Cottle OWNS, that's why.)
-Doctor Cottle is almost solely responsible for the well-being of over forty thousand human beings in the Fleet. The average health of humanity has never been better.
-Doctor Cottle is a doctor and an escalator.
-Doctor Cotle is the real reason House has his limp.
-Doctor Cottle once got into a staring contest with William Adama. There were no survivors among the bystanders.
-Doctor Cottle is a firm supporter of euthanasia. His method involves guns.
-Doctor Cottle can perform a flawless, painless amputation using child safety scissors, paper towels, one bottle of light beer, and a duck.
-Doctor Cottle says he’s not dead, Jim, and by the Gods he means it.
-Doctor Cottle is in charge of delivering most of the fleet’s babies. Considering that half of them were fathered by him, this is only fair.
-Doctor Cottle can cure dysentry with a first-aid kit. An empty one.
CAPRICA SIX
-It is estimated that a single bat of the eyelash from Caprica Six is exactly 40.7 times sexier than the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Archive.
-Most Number Six models were built with only three speeds: Walk, Sex, and Kill. Caprica Six was built with only two. Guess which one got taken out.
-Caprica Six has the combined teachings of the Karma Sutra and Susan Johansenn stored in her memory banks. They’re in the folder labelled ‘Basic Moves”.
-There were originally 13 humanoid models of Cylon. Unfortunately, the thirteenth model had to be destroyed when one of the 13s made a very bad pass at Caprica-Six, leading to her kicking it in the balls so hard that all the 13s, everywhere, became instantly sterile.
-Before the destruction of the Twelve Colonies, the Cylons had to decide which was the better means of exterminating the population of Caprica: massive orbital nuclear bombardment or setting Caprica-Six to ‘Massacre’. Eventually they decided on the option which gave the Basestars something to do.
SHARON AGATHON
-It has been pointed out that for a machine like Sharon Valerii to get pregnant is a perversion of every known biological law. At last report, the biological laws were rumoured to be somewhere in the vicinity of the laws of physics.
-The blood of Sharon Valerii’s baby can cure cancer. This is not due to any medicinal properties, but is caused by the cancer sensing the presence of Sharon Valerii and getting the frak out.
-Sharon Valerii did not defect from the Cylons, but was exiled because they feared her awesomeness. Their loss.
TOM ZAREK
-Thousands of people wear Che Guevara t-shirts. Che Guevara wore a Tom Zarek t-shirt.
-Tom Zarek is a firm believer in ‘one person, one vote’. Unfortunately for you, he’s the one person, and it’s his vote.
-The original title of the Communist Manifesto was ‘Teachings of Tom Zarek’.
-Great revolutionaries can incite a crowd to riot with a ten-minute speech. Tom Zarek can incite complete strangers to revolt simply by pointing at the thing he wants overthrown and saying “Go.”
-As a child, Tom Zarek was afraid of the dark, until he had it assassinated.
-Tom Zarek was imprisoned without a fair trial. After realizing how much effort it would take simply to count the number of people he’d had killed, the Government simply declared him guilty.
-Originally, Tom Zarek blackmailed his enemies more often than he killed them. Eventually he realised that the blackmail victims wound up killing themselves out of Zarek-induced trauma anyway, so he got more efficient.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
-The Battlestar Galactica was built of steel forged in the fires of a blue sun, tempered with Cylon machine oil, and alloyed with human souls.
-The Death Star once tested its superlaser on the Battlestar Galactica. It scratched the paint.
-The Battlestar Galactica’s course to Earth actually took it right to the former location of the Cylon homeworld. “Former location,” because as soon as it realized the Galactica was coming, the entire planet ran away like a little bitch.
-Most ships which come near black holes disappear and are never heard from again. When the Battlestar Galactica comes near a black hole, the black hole disappears and is never heard from again.
-After it was built, the Battlestar Galactica’s weapons systems were calibrated by bombarding an uninhabited planet. Hence, space dust.
-The Battlestar Galactica’s FTL drive is the most powerful in the universe. She could jump to Earth right frakkin’ now if she didn’t have to drag all these frakkin’ civvies around.
-The Battlestar Galactica is the reason the Cylon Hybrids are so frakked up.
-Every night, when her crew is asleep, the Battlestar Pegasus looks at the Battlestar Galactica and begins to cry.
What do you think? If you think of any of your own, particularly for the characters I wasn't able to think of any for, please tell! (No spoilers past 3.08, though. I will break you.)