FIC: Magic and Mayhem at the Rift (12/?)

Jun 22, 2008 15:04

Name: Magic and Mayhem at the Rift
Rating: R
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Buffy/Spike, Xander/Anya, Willow/Tosh, Gwen/Rhys, implied Owen/Faith
Warning: Crossover insanity, the presence of vampires and demons on the rift (or are they aliens?) and  some mature content.  Insanity of the most insane kind. Seriously.
Summary: The gang from Buffy come through the rift.  Set after Torchwood episode Meat (2.04) and immediately after Buffy episode Older and Far Away (6.14) (just before the end, in fact), spoilers for all six seasons of Buffy and the first season of Torchwood.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, if I did there would be a helluva lot more of Jack and Ianto teasing each other.  If I owned Buffy, which I don't, Xander and Anya and Spike and Buffy would be together forever (not to say they will be together forever in this fic *evil grin*) and Willow wouldn't have so much damn bad luck.
CHAPTER Summary: The combined gang spend the evening together.

Okay, I am so sorry for this chapter, lol.  I have spent a week now with this image in my head and it just had to be written. Again, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. (Yes, that's my Doctor impersonation).

~Chapter one~  ~Chapter two~   ~Chapter three~   ~Chapter four~   ~Chapter five~  ~Crack!fic smut (not required reading, but slots in here)~  ~Chapter six~  ~Chapter seven~ ~Chapter eight~  ~Chapter nine~  ~Chapter ten~  ~Chapter eleven~


Thursday 22nd February
18:56

“Okay, Jack, we’re here,” Owen said, slouching into the hub to find everyone else already there, including a very cosy-looking Tosh and Willow and Gwen and Rhys. He raised an eyebrow at Rhys’ presence and, in answer, Gwen put her arm around her fiancé, a smile on her face.  The office door opened and Martha and Jack stepped out. Owen noted that Jack was his usual jovial self, but Martha was holding her arms strangely, as though they hurt. When she approached her said, quietly, “Are you okay?”

She smiled warmly and replied, “Of course I am. Shouldn’t I be?”

Owen eyed her up. “Have you been crying?” he demanded.

Martha rolled her eyes. “Don't be daft,” she scoffed, privately ruing the fact Owen had chosen today, of all days, to notice someone’s emotions.

“Let’s go!” Jack chose that moment to speak up and the contents of the hub filed out through the doors and found their way to the SUV and Martha’s car.  Buffy got in the SUV next to Jack with Tosh, Owen, Spike and Willow crammed in the back.  The rest of them all piled in Martha’s car (Martha privately wondered if someone (read: Jack) had worked some kind of TARDIS mojo on her vehicle to make it big enough for everyone to fit in. She honestly wouldn’t be surprised.)

They pulled up outside the address Jack had specified and they all climbed out, eyeing up the neon sign outside the doorway, warily.  Ianto jumped straight out of Martha’s car and walked across to Jack. “You have got to be joking,” he said, sharply.

“Aw, come on, Ianto, it’ll be fun!” Jack said, as he and the others piled out of the SUV.

Spike looked up at the bar and started humming ‘Where do we go from here?’ just to be thumped by Buffy.  He fell to the floor, holding his lip. “What was that for?”

Buffy rolled her eyes and walked over to Ianto and Jack, who were arguing, ignoring Spike’s question. “It might be fun,” she conceded, shutting Ianto up. “If it’s not we can leave, right?”

“Right,” Jack replied, with a grin, looping his arm through Ianto’s and getting Buffy to loop her arm through his. “Let’s go!”

The dysfunctional group made their way into the bar, just for their senses to be assaulted by some of the worst singing ever. “This place isn’t run by a psychic demon is it?” Faith asked. Everyone looked round at her, curiously, and she sighed. “Never mind ...”

“I can’t believe you brought us to a karaoke bar!” Ianto hissed at Jack.

“What’s wrong with a bit of singing?” Jack replied, with a grin. “Singing is good for the soul.”

Ianto sighed as Jack walked the group up to a large table not too far from the stage, on which a young boy of about collage age was murdering ‘We will rock you’. Ianto grimaced and put his head down on the table, realising he’d never again be able to listen to the song.

“See, I always love singing,” Spike said, “because at the end of the song we ...”

Buffy raised her fist. “Finish that sentence and I swear you’ll never speak again,” she said, calmly. Spike grinned at her, but obliged, opting instead to take a swig of the bourbon Jack had brought across from the bar.

“Come on Ianto,” Jack said, trying to drag Ianto out of his seat and up to the stage to sing.

Ianto glowered up at him. “You have got to be joking,” he said.

“Nope,” Jack replied, tugging on his sleeve like an impatient child. “Come on!”

Ianto pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don't sing,” he said, firmly.

“I’ve heard you in the shower,” Jack pointed out. “You sound good!”

“That’s ... that’s shower singing!” Ianto whined. “It’s different to getting up on the stage and ... singing.”

“It could be fun!” Jack insisted, ignoring Martha’s giggling at the scene. “Come on, Yan!”

Ianto glowered darkly at him. “I’ll come up on that stage with you on one condition.”

“Name it.”

“You never again call me Yan!” Ianto snarled.

Jack had the good grace to look slightly ashamed. “Alright, alright.”

Ianto grimaced. “Can I finish my drink first?” He gestured at the large bottle he’d requested.

Jack grinned. “Nope!” he said, dragging the younger man to his feet and forcefully dragging him onto the stage. “I’ve already chosen a song.”

Ianto turned to look at Jack. “What.” The word wasn’t a question, just a complaint.

“’Oh, oh, oh, it’s magic’!” Jack said, excitedly.

“You have got to be kidding ...” Ianto moaned, as Jack stood them by the mic.  All Ianto could see was the Scoobies and Torchwood gang staring up at him with expectant eyes. “I am not singing a song once sung by the Chipmunks!” he exclaimed as the music started up.

“Ianto ...” Jack complained. “Oh ho ho, it’s magic!” he started singing. He looked at Ianto, who was staying steadfastly silent.

“I’m not singing ‘Oh ho ho’,” he said, firmly.

“Well you’re my ho-ho so sing!” Jack said, trying to be funny and failing miserably as Ianto glowered at him and walked straight off the stage and back to the table.  Jack sang distractedly for a moment as he watched Ianto glowering up at him.

“He’s dying up there,” Owen said, grimacing as Jack sang out of tune, stressing over Ianto too much to care about singing.

“He sounds good when he’s not distracted,” Buffy pointed out.

“I expected his voice to be deeper,” Tosh commented.

Buffy watched at Jack got more and more flustered, sounding more like Janet when she was sad than ever.  Standing up, as if possessed, she walked up to the stage and started singing with him. “Oh, oh, oh, it’s magic,” she sang along, making him grin all over his face, “never believe it’s not so …” She smiled with him as Spike and Xander laughed, watching them doing little dance moves on the stage together.

“She seems a lot more cheerful,” Xander commented.

Ianto was still glowering at the stage, so Martha moved across to sit next to him. “Cheer up,” she said. “Jack just wanted to make everyone relax a bit. Seemed to work on Buffy.”

“You don’t think Sweet is back, do you?” Xander asked, after a moment of watching Buffy and Jack dancing together.

“No, when Sweet was here everyone danced well,” Anya replied.

“I hate singing,” Ianto said. “Jack knows that.”

“Well, this wasn’t to relax you,” Martha said. “It’s the old ‘the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few’ argument.”

Ianto turned to look at Martha. “But ... a karaoke bar. Since when it that ever relaxing?”  He followed Martha’s gaze to the stage, where Buffy and Jack were talking, quietly, choosing another song to sing.  “Seems to work on her,” Martha said.

22:27

Nine bottles of alcohol and three and a half hours later, everyone but Ianto had relaxed dramatically. After an ear-ache inducing rendition of ‘Don't go breaking my heart’ sung by an incredibly inebriated Xander and Anya, Martha dragged Jack up on the stage to sing the song ‘Outer Space’, something the whole group, including Ianto, found hilarious.

“Our home forever is outer space ...” Martha sung.

“We should do a duet,” Spike informed Buffy, surprisingly sober for someone who had drank two bottles of bourbon alone.

“I’m not singing with you on stage,” Buffy replied, drinking another shot of whiskey.

“Why not? You’ve done it before!” Spike insisted. “It ended rather well, too, if I remember.”

Buffy glowered at him. “That,” she said, dramatically, “was induced by a demon of the dance.” She poked him on the chest. “I’m not singing with you in front of people ... I’m not drunk enough yet.” She reached for his bottle of bourbon and slugged down a few mouthfuls.

“How much more drunk do you have to be?” Spike demanded, pushing another bottle towards her.

“More,” she replied.

“Do you have a gauge fitted or something?” he asked, smirking.  “With different levels like: level one; sober, level two;  a little less sober, just enough to shag Spike, level three; tipsy ... level ten; too drunk to function, level eleven; drunk enough to sing on a stage, level twelve; too drunk to walk home without passing out?”

Buffy glowered at Spike and looked, shiftily, at Xander and Anya, who were sat near enough that they could, quite likely, hear everything being said. “If I do a duet with you, will you shut up?” she requested.

Spike nodded and stood, offering her his hand, which she batted away and stood, staggering slightly, just to be caught by him. “Maybe we should ... not,” he suggested when he saw she couldn’t stand straight.

“It’s fine,” she said, batting him away, her words slurring slightly. “Let’s sing ... uh ...”

“I know what we can sing.”

22:46

“Of all the songs I would expect those two to sing ... this is not one of them,” Ianto admitted, slurring slightly as he watched Spike and Buffy on the stage.

“Me and you, and you and me, no matter how they toss the dice it had to be...” Spike and Buffy were singing.

“I second that,” Jack commented, watching the stage almost as closely as Ianto. “Of all the songs to choose ...”

“I was expecting thrash metal,” Ianto said. “Something violent.”

“Or maybe some Elton John.”

“Anya and Xander already killed an Elton John song,” Ianto pointed out.

“Very true,” Jack replied. “I was thinking of singing ‘I’m sorry’ in a minute.” He looked pointedly at Ianto, who rolled his eyes.

“I hate to break it to you,” he slurred, “but that song sings ‘please don't say you’re sorry’ ... it doesn’t work.”

Jack shook his fist. “Drat!”

Ianto smiled indulgently. “I do forgive you,” he said, softly, leaning across the table to kiss Jack. “And if you buy me another drink I may just sing with you.”  Jack stood up, looking excited, and went across to the bar.

“Are you really going to sing?” Martha asked.

Ianto nodded. “If I’m drunk enough, yeah,” Ianto responded.  He turned to Martha, suddenly serious. “If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?” She nodded, albeit hesitantly. “Jack told me about what happened while he was away ... but there’s something he’s not telling me, isn’t there?”

“It’s not my place ...” Martha replied, awkwardly. “And that’s the truth.”

“I just want a yes or a no.”

“Yes, there’s something he’s not telling you,” she told him, after a moment.  “But I promised I wouldn’t tell you what it is. He’ll tell you ... eventually.”

Ianto sighed and leaned back in his seat as Jack came over with a new bottle of brandy and poured him a drink. “Talking about me?” he asked, warily.

“Yep,” Martha and Ianto replied instantly.  Jack’s eyes widened, but he relaxed when he saw Martha’s small smile.

“So, Ianto, what song shall we sing?” he said, cheerily, jumping into the seat between them. “And how about a threesome?” Ianto and Martha’s eyes widened. “Singing! I mean singing!”

23:07

“I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch ...” Ianto sang along with Jack and Martha, who were grinning at him.  He closed his eyes to block out Buffy and the other’s dropped jaws, concentrating instead on singing the song. They’d made the mistake of agreeing on soloing the verses one at a time and when Ianto had sung his verse all the jaws at their table dropped at his voice.  Not because it was bad, but because it was just so good.

“Holy shit,” Owen said. “Tea-boy has a voice.”

Faith looked up at the stage. “I’m going to sing next,” she announced, grandly, drinking down yet another mouthful of alcohol. “Any suggestions?” she asked the group.

Their eyes widened and they all shook their heads in sync. “No,” Buffy said.

“Maybe ‘Everytime’ ...”

Buffy’s jaw dropped. “Britney Spears?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“But ... Britney Spears ...” Buffy mouthed the name wordlessly over and over.

Faith sighed and stood up as Ianto and Jack climbed off the stage and sat down at the table. She walked up to the stage and requested the song, choosing ‘Lucky’ instead. “She’s so lucky, she’s a star, but she cries, cries, cries in her lonely world...”

“I’ve learned something tonight,” Buffy said. “You learn a lot about people through their karaoke choices.”

“I’ll say,” Willow said, nearby, as Owen went up to join Faith on the stage. “He’s singing the same song.”

Ianto started chuckling from beside Jack, and everyone looked at him to see that he had his phone out, filming Owen singing a Britney Spears song. Jack looked at him, questioningly. “Every time he calls me Tea-Boy I’m going to call him Britney,” he explained. “And he won’t be able to deny it ... because I have proof.”

Jack laughed and leant his head against Ianto’s shoulder as he listened to Owen killing the song. He realised, after a moment, that he was going to have to listen to the original when he got back to the hub just to get this horrifying image out of his head.  He drank down another shot of whiskey and sat up straight again as Willow and Tosh stood up, giggling between themselves. “They’re friendly,” he commented.

“Yeah,” Ianto said, “I think they’re together.”

“Together?”

“You know Tosh has liked women since Mary,” Ianto said. Jack nodded, understandingly as Willow and Tosh began singing ‘Take your mama’ incredibly badly. “Karaoke bars ... where songs go to die horribly ...” Ianto commented.

“It’s still fun,” Jack insisted.

Ianto chuckled. “I guess so.”

“Does that mean I get to find out what’s in that bag tonight?”

Smirking, Ianto replied, “We’ll see.”

Jack glowered, and shook his fist again as Xander began singing ‘I’ll never tell’ beneath his breath. Anya joined in and, soon, they were singing their own private duet. “His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe...” Anya sung.

“What...are you singing?” Jack asked.

“Our song,” Xander said, with a laugh, as Anya continued singing. “One of the more enjoyable things about having a demon in town that wants to take Buffy’s younger sister down to his lair to be his bride is you get your own theme song.”

Jack blinked.

Ianto stared.

Martha looked puzzled.

“Okay,” the three of them said together, going back to what they were doing.

Willow and Tosh got down from the stage, hand in hand, as some other couple went up to sing. Drunk out of their minds, Tosh and Willow danced around the floor to the song the man and woman were singing, giggling when Tosh nearly dropped Willow and laughing when Willow spun Tosh around.

“I think we’ve drunk too much,” Willow said, as she sat down at the table again, hair ruffled around her head.

“I agree,” Xander said, pointing Buffy, who had passed out against Spike’s shoulder and was snoring softly.  “What time is it?”

“Ten to twelve,” Ianto informed the group after checking his trusty stopwatch, which Jack was eying up with interest.

“It’s too early to go home,” Xander said. “We could hit the clubs and do some dancing.” The group exchanged less than excited looks. “Or we could stay here and continue getting smashed.”

The group lifted their glasses, chinking them together, drunkenly, in agreement, glugging down yet another shot of whatever it was they were drinking.

A beeping assaulted their ears from Tosh’s handbag and she bent down to answer her phone. At that moment Jack realised that if the rift monitor was to go off, they would be in a lot of trouble.  He glanced across the room at Rhys and Gwen, who had separated themselves from the group early on and were, in comparison, pretty much sober in the corner of the room.

He blinked.

If the apocalypse came now, they would be the world’s only hope.

He leant forward to bang his head on the table, missing and falling off his chair, landing on the floor with a dull thump. “Ow,” he complained, dragging himself back onto his chair and holding his head. “Not dying hurts.”

Ianto raised an eyebrow at him as Tosh talked on her phone. “No, I’m out with friends, mum,” she was saying, in Japanese. “Yes, I’m drunk out of my mind. So?”  Willow and Jack were the only ones that understood what Tosh was saying. Jack understood thanks to the TARDIS, Willow thanks to her magic.

She was remarkably eloquent even when drunk.

00:39

“I’m sorry I called you my ho,” Jack said, quietly to Ianto, them being the only two around the table still sober enough to talk.

Ianto snorted. “I didn’t mind that.” Jack raised an eyebrow. “I just wanted an excuse to walk off.”
Jack laughed and turned back to the table. “I think we should all go home.” The table grunted in unison and Jack stood up, walking across to Gwen and Rhys. “Drive us home?” he requested. Gwen rolled her eyes, glad she’d designated herself the driver and took the SUV and Martha’s car keys, handing Martha’s to Rhys.

The group staggered outside onto the dark road, Buffy supported by Spike, Anya by Xander, Willow by Tosh and Owen by Faith. Stopping before they reached the SUV, Buffy bent over the gutter and vomited.  Spike rolled his eyes. “Having déjà vu, love?”

Buffy said something incomprehensible, but Spike suspected it was most likely a swearword. “She’s not going to be sick in the car is she?” Ianto asked, drunk out of his mind but still sober enough to worry about having to clean the upholstery the next day.

“She’s usually sick once,” Spike told Ianto, just as Buffy made him a liar and vomited a second time.  Spike sighed and helped her to her feet, ignoring the dirty looks Xander was giving him, glad the boy was too drunk to realise Spike had, at one point during the night, had one hand on Buffy’s crotch and the other on her breast.  He hoped, for the sake of staying un-dusty, Xander would not remember this the next day.

“I want to go home ...” Anya whined as Xander helped her into Martha’s car.  Gwen got in the SUV, followed by Willow, who sat shotgun and Martha, Jack, Spike and Buffy climbed in the back.

“If the Doctor was to see me now ...” Martha complained, burying her head in Jack’s shoulder.

“We’d never live it down,” Jack agreed, patting her on the head. He watched Ianto watching them almost jealously from Martha’s car as Gwen started the car and drove each of them home.

Tosh opted to go to Willow’s flat, Spike walked past his basement and joined Buffy in hers, Xander and Anya went to his, Faith told Owen not to even think about going to hers and, as such, he went to his own, Ianto went to his flat and Jack went back to the hub with Martha.

He collapsed in a heap on the sofa, followed by Martha who did the same next to him. “That was a very good but stupid idea,” she pointed out, slurring her words.

“Why stupid?” Jack demanded.

“Because ... because now I’m drunk and ... and I have terrible hangovers and I sang!” she said, making Jack laugh.

“Hey, at least I managed to get Buffy to relax ...” Jack pointed out. “Even if she didn’t go out and patrol tonight.”

“So our drunkenness endangered lives,” Martha said, through a yawn.

“It’s not like we’re going to do it every night,” Jack laughed.

Martha nodded, cuddling up against Jack’s side, too exhausted to think how this could come across to the equally drunk captain.  However, Jack was a gentleman at heart (even though he didn’t show it very often) and just put his arm around his friend, holding her against his side until she fell asleep.

The songs (I did not make any of these videos):
Jack and Ianto/Buffy:   Oh oh oh, it's magic - Pilot
Xander and Anya: Don't Go Breakin' My Heart - Elton John and Kiki Dee
Martha and Jack:  Outer Space - t.A.T.u
Spike and Buffy: Happy Together - Turtles
Jack, Ianto and Martha: Just Like A Pill - P!nk
Faith and Owen: Lucky - Britney Spears
Willow and Tosh: Take your mama - Scissor Sisters

~Next Chapter~

fandom:btvs, fandom:crossover, fandom: torchwood, fanfic, verse:magic and mayhem, series:magic and mayhem, crossover: btvs/torchwood

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