FIC: I thought I knew you

[bassair]

Name: I thought I knew you
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Slashiness (duh) and some minor anti-catholic subtext (only mild though, I don't have anything major against Catholics or their religion.) Oh, and talk of mpreg.
Summary:  Sequel to An Impromptu Birthday Party.  Set just after Adrift and before Fragments and thusly Exit Wounds. In my mind Exit Wounds NEVER HAPPENED.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, if I did Gwen wouldn’t have made her presence known in ‘Adrift’ and we could have just carried on watching.... <3

After writing the final chapter of Magic and Mayhem (although not the final chapter of that AU) I decided to write a humour piece for those who don't know Buffy ... and here it is.



It was no longer raining when Ianto and Jack arrived at the area in which a Weevil had been sighted, weapons in hand and ready for a fight.  Ianto, however, was deeply tempted to use his stun-gun against Jack, who was still rattling on about the look on his mother’s face.  “Does she really hit people with her handbag?” he asked, with a grin. “I mean ... I thought they only did that in movies.”

“Jack,” Ianto said, teeth gritted. “This is my mother you are talking about. She may be bigoted and ... she may hit people with her handbag, but I love her all the same.”

Jack nodded, mumbling. “Sorry.”

“I can’t believe you crashed my birthday party,” Ianto said.

“About that!” Jack exclaimed, before the word ‘party’ had even left Ianto’s mouth. “Why didn’t you invite me?”

“It was ... impromptu. I didn’t even know until everyone turned up on my doorstep,” Ianto said, with a sigh. “I would have called you, but it was a family thing.” Jack pouted. “Yes, you’re family, but I wouldn’t want to have to explain that little titbit of information to my mother.” He glowered darkly at Jack. “I guess you took that choice out of my hands.”

“You could use RetCon...” Jack suggested.

“I am not drugging my family!” Ianto spluttered.

“It’s hardly drugging them,” Jack pointed out. “One little pill. We’ve all used it. It’s perfectly safe.”

“I’m not using RetCon on my mother!” Ianto shouted. He glanced at the stun-gun in his hand, and resisted the urge to use it against his lover. “Let’s just ... find this Weevil!”

They walked in silence, Ianto silently fuming, the sound of his shoes hitting the road echoing around the alleyway they were in.

“Ianto ...”

“Leave it, Jack,” he snapped.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Jack, leave it.”

“I didn’t know you’re parents were there ... otherwise I would have been more ... discrete.”

“You’re never discrete.”

“I can be!” Jack whined.

“You’re a go-in-all-guns-blazing kind of guy ... and I love that, I do ... but not when it makes my mother have a stroke.” He grimaced and looked at his watch. “She’ll still be there when I get back,” he said, with a sigh. “She’ll be in gerbil-mode.”

“Gerbil-mode?” Jack enquired, curiously.

“When she’s mad or irritated or angry or offended her voice rises in pitch and she sounds like a gerbil on helium,” Ianto informed Jack, who snickered behind his hand. “It’s not funny.”
“Probably not, but your analogy was,” Jack said, with a grin.

“It is not funny!” Ianto snarled, throwing up his arms in disbelief and walking a little quicker down the alley, keeping his eyes peeled for the Weevil they were supposed to be hunting.  Silence reigned, the tension so thick Ianto was surprised he didn’t have to move it to walk forward.

“I know you’re still mad at me...” Jack started.

“You think?” Ianto retorted.

Jack ignored him. “So, maybe this isn’t the best time to tell you this...” Ianto looked round at him, still walking quickly, wondering if he’d had an affair or was secretly in love with Gwen. “... but, I’m pregnant.”

For the first time in all the time Jack had known him, Ianto tripped and fell flat on his face on the dirty road.  Jack gaped at him as he lifted himself up onto his elbows and said, “You’re what?”

Jack grinned, sheepishly. “Happy birthday?”

*

“Look at it this way, at least you’ll provide grandkids now,” Jack reasoned, having to practically walk to keep up with Ianto, who was striding ahead of him, still in shock.  On any other day, Jack would have made a quip about Ianto being fast, but not today.

“How wonderful!” Ianto exclaimed, sarcastically. “Now my family have to get used to the fact that I’m, in their opinion, gay and that my gay partner can give them grandkids.”

“I’m your partner?” Jack asked, excitedly.

“Focus, Jack!” Ianto snapped.

“Sorry.”

“How is this possible, anyway?” he demanded.

“It’s a ... complicated, fifty-first century thing.”

“Oh, I can’t wait until Owen finds out,” Ianto groaned.

“What? That the secretary knocked up the boss?” Ianto glared. “You’re right ... bad joke.”

“All your jokes are bad,” Ianto accused. “But now is neither the time nor the place.”

Jack nodded gloomily.

“How?” Ianto reiterated.

“I, uh ... in the fifty-first century both sexes are capable of both sides of reproduction.”

Ianto blinked. “Why didn’t we use a condom, then?”

Jack grinned. “I never anticipated you wanting me to bottom.”  He put his hand on the younger man’s arm. “Slow down, Ianto.”

Ianto turned around to glower at Jack. “We’ve just traumatised my entire family, myself included, and you want me to slow down?” Ianto shook his head. “That and your pregnant revelation ...”

Jack nodded. “I understand.”

“I thought I knew you, Jack!” Ianto said, sadly. “But now you tell me you can have kids ...”

“Am having a kid ...” Jack corrected, quietly.

“... what else are you keeping from me that is going to change my life?”

Jack shrugged. “Nothing major.”

“So you are keeping things from me?” Ianto asked.

“Aren't you keeping things from me?”

“Not anymore,” Ianto snarled. “I learned my lesson after Lisa.” He glanced down at Jack’s belly then refocused on his face. “This kid... Am I supposed to look after it on my own next time you decide to hop a ride on the TARDIS?”

Jack flinched. “I’m not going back on the TARDIS,” he said, firmly. “I’m not.”

Ianto sighed and leant against the wall as it started to rain. He looked up at the sky and grimaced as a droplet landed on his eye.  “But you left the first time, how do I know you won’t do it again?”

“The first time was a long-standing plan,” Jack informed him, watching the pain on his face. “I’d been planning to leave with the Doctor for over a hundred years. Even though he abandoned me.” He chuckled darkly.

“Then why did you want to go back to him?” Ianto asked, softly.

“It’s complicated.”

“Everything is complicated, Jack,” Ianto told him, rolling his eyes.  “Did you love him?”

“Yes,” Jack answered, instantly. “But not the way you’re thinking of.”

Tosh’s voice crackled across Jack’s headset. “The Weevil’s vanished. I guess it went back down into the sewers. You can head back before you get soaked.”

Ianto glowered up the alley then back at Jack. “Pity, I was actually looking forward to being mauled by a Weevil,” Ianto said, sadly. “Let’s go, then.”

*

When Ianto opened the door of his flat, he was immediately assaulted by his mother, father, sister and brother.

“You didn’t tell us,” Sidney stated, immediately.

“Gee, I wonder why not?” Ianto commented, sarcastically, as Jack walked in behind him.

“What’s he doing here?” his mother demanded gesturing at Jack with her handbag. He ducked, instinctively, assuming he’d be hit with it again.

“It’s his home too!” Ianto said, boldly. It was true; after all, Jack spent more time there than he ever did at the hub anymore.

“He ... lives here with you?” his father, stuttered.

“Yes,” Ianto replied, while Jack grinned behind him. He had to resist the urge to elbow the older man in the ribs. Realising he still had his stun-gun in his hand, he put it down on the table by the door, to avoid temptation.

He could see his mother’s mind working: boyfriend: kissing, live-in partner: sharing a bed: sex. Suddenly she blushed, her voice rising in pitch. “You sleep with him?”

“Yes, mam,” Ianto said, with a sigh, as Jack’s eyes widened and he muttered ‘gerbil’ before falling about laughing. “Jack!” Ianto scolded, irritably. He wanted his family to approve of Jack, who wasn’t making it very easy.

“Why have you got a gun?” his father asked, gesturing at the stun-gun.

“It’s part of my job,” Ianto answered, quickly.

“I thought you worked at a tourist office,” his sister, Mia, piped up, her son, Nathan’s, eyes and ears safely tucked away where he couldn’t see or hear such a disturbing conversation.

“Ever met any tourists, mam? They can be really violent!” Ianto said, making Jack giggle all the more. “Will you stop it?” he snapped at Jack, who pretended to zip his lips together, just to double over in hysterical laughter.

“Why is he finding this so funny?” Ianto’s father demanded, as Jack turned purple from laughing.

For a moment Ianto wondered if you could die from laughing and what it would do to the baby. The baby. His baby. He glanced at Jack’s stomach again, gulped, and turned to his father. “Where he’s from ... people don't react to this situation ... like this.”

His father glanced down at Jack, who was actually physically rolling on the floor laughing (Ianto had never seen him like this before), then back at Ianto. “Where is he from?”

Ianto straightened his tie, awkwardly. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

His father sighed, but his mother snapped, “And what about grandchildren?” she demanded.

Ianto glanced at the room full of his nephews and nieces and his younger, pregnant, sister. “Don't you think you have enough?” he asked.

“You can never have enough grandchildren,” his mother said, in a shocked tone.

Jack, having recovered somewhat, stood up and opened his mouth to speak. “One word out of you and ... god help me, I’ll ban you from my bedroom!” Ianto snapped at Jack, who sent him a scared look and shut up.  Ianto wasn’t sure what Jack was going to say, but he had a feeling whatever it was wouldn’t’ve been good.  He turned to his mother. “We could always adopt, mam, or ...” He stumbled as Jack shoved him to one side and ran for the bathroom, looking nauseous.

Concerned, Ianto followed him in, opening the door and poking his head around to see him bending over the toilet being violently sick. “Same as a woman, eh?” Ianto asked.

“Yeah,” Jack replied, in between retches.

“They manage to allow men to get pregnant but they don't cure morning sickness ...” The words had left his mouth before he had realised his family had followed him to the door.

“Did you say pregnant?” his mother gasped out.

Ianto turned and banged his head against the doorframe.

Hard.

*

“Oh, that was fun,” Ianto said, as he closed the door behind his family.

“Yeah,” Jack replied, fondly, one hand on his stomach.

“That was sarcasm, Jack,” Ianto snapped, turning to lean back against the door.

“How’s your head?” Jack asked, putting his irritability down to a headache.

“Better.” Ianto gingerly touched the developing bump.

“That was very stupid you know,” Jack accused, with a smile.

“Yeah,” Ianto replied. “I know.”

“We don't want this little one to be without a dad, do we?” Jack gestured at his belly.

“I still don't believe you’re pregnant,” Ianto said.

“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt,” Jack pointed out.

“Where on Earth,” Ianto said, “did you hear that expression?”

Jack grinned. “Who do you think coined it?”

The Welshman rolled his eyes. “I never know whether to take you seriously or not.”

Jack grinned and walked over to Ianto, wrapping his arms around the younger man. “Take me seriously when I say I love you.”

Ianto’s eyes snapped up. “What?” he spluttered. “What brought that on?”

Jack shrugged. “Can’t I admit my love if I want to?”

Ianto rolled his eyes again.  “This is because of my mother, isn’t it?” Jack blinked. “Her comment that good babies can only be made through true love?”

Jack snorted. “Nah,” he replied. “I loved you way before she said that.” Ianto raised a sceptical eyebrow. “I did!” Jack insisted, kissing his nose. “Before this little fella ...”

“... it could be a girl ...” Ianto pointed out.

“... even came into existence.”

“Technically it’s still just a jelly baby with a heartbeat at the moment,” Ianto said, sourly.

Jack blinked again. “A jelly baby with a heart beat?” He faked shock. “How cruel is that?”

“I gather you never watched Coupling, then.” Ianto pushed past Jack and went into the kitchen, making two cups of coffee. Jack followed once he’d gotten over the jelly baby comment.  He walked to the counter and picked up a steaming cup.

He sniffed it gingerly then took a sip.  “Ugh!” he exclaimed, spitting the coffee into the sink. “Now I remember why I said I wasn’t going to get pregnant again.” He looked down at his mug, sadly. “I miss coffee already.”

Oh, look, another sequel! CLICKIE!