robin hood season 3 premiere! a recap/review/reaction post
since televisionwithoutpity.com stubbornly refuses to do RH recaps, i will do one of my own. and maybe i'll submit it to them and they will say "who is this genius of commentary?! we must pay her to do this for a living!" and hire me on staff. yes, that is what will happen. *mr. burns finger steeple* exxxcellent!
and now! submitted for the approval of the midnight society...
annotated for her pleasure...
this is insanely fucking long, so i'm going to post it in three parts. here's #1
we begin! a black dude arrives on a boat. there's a cgi ship in the distance. dramatic music swells...
he scoops a hand full of poopy looking sand and pebbles from the shore and looks contemplative. "England..." he declares to no one in particular. he looks very pleased with this assessment.
uh, did you really need a soil sample to tell you where you are? maybe you should taste it, just to be sure.
now we cut to trees whizzing by as what is left of our gang runs through the forest at top speed. robin appears to be ahead, pursued by allan and little john and much calling after him. dudes, let him go. finally he stops for no apparent reason. little john catches up first and robin asks for his penisstaff and hits him with it. what a dick!
as the others arrive he points it at them menacingly - "stop holding my acting career me back!"
"robin, you can't do this alone!" says a very shwetty allan.
"what are you gonna do, rat me out?" that doesn't even make sense. 'yes i can, stupidface!' would have been more mature sounding comeback.
"that's a bit harsh" allan take the high road.
"once a traitor, always a traitor!" can't argue with that logic! oh wait, much can.
"that's not fair!" much coming to allan's defense? that's new and interesting. they must have bonded on the journey home. awws!
"you shut up, you leech! you're pathetic!" haven't we heard this before? back in the season one finale? nice to see his character hasn't developed at all over the break! still a tantrum throwing asshole!
this whole scene is nonsensical, so i'll just let the first minute of this video sum up:
robin says that 'robin hood' is dead, which is the exact opposite of what he said when we left off.. anyway, we do not find out why robin changed his tune, how exactly the guys are holding him back, or how long they've been chasing after him. but who needs exposition when you've got lots of yelling and hitting! the last thing he says is that this is between him and gisborn and gisborn dies today.
opening credits!! i don't think i've ever actually sat through the open credits, so why start now? skip forward to...
loxley village! deserted, as usual. robin gets his bow and arrow out and walks through the ghost town. he hears a barn door open and points the arrow at the little red haired girl standing there. she looks at him kinda 'wtf?' but doesn't make any move to go back inside, which is what i would do if some crazy asshole was pointing a weapon at me. the close up of her face indicates that she will be significant in the near future. robin looks like he really wants to shoot her but doesn't want to deal with all the screaming and blood that would surely follow, so he generously allows her to live. watch your back, little red haired girl.
when he gets close to what i assume is the manor house, all the villagers mysteriously appear and gather 'round. robin takes out a purple ring on a chain around his neck and looks like he's gonna cry, kisses it, and tucks it back against his hairy chest. then he fires an arrow up into a window! it goes "pshew" right between gisborn's eyes! that is, right into the headboard of the bed he's laying in. but still, good shot.
"GISBORN!" robin screams, but it sounds more like "GISSBURN!" heh.
"he has come..." guy whispers to himself. i laugh out loud.
guy sort of staggers out looking drunk (and dressed like the dread pirate roberts) and then charges at robin with a roar. of course this is RH, so he swings it like a foot in front of him, allowing robin to block it and a pretty hilarious fight scene ensues. friar tuck throws open the doors of whatever barn he's been hiding in and we get a nice jesus-y silhouette of him watching the fight in the nearish distance.
two of guy's inept guards join in the battle and get their asses handed to them. guy, on the ground, looks up and sees the little red haired girl from before and looks all crazy eyed. it's kind of creepy, like 'you gon git raped!'
then gisborn jumps up and grabs her round the waist and flips her over his shoulder and starts to run away! WTF?! now she really is gon git raped! robin takes off after him.
cut to the outlaw arriving in loxley and being all "where is everyone?" which is kinda weird cuz it was just as deserted when robin arrived... anyway, they finally look to the left or whatever and see the big kerfuffle and head that a way. allan looks worse for the wear and you can tell he's probably thinking "this is not what i signed up for!"
back to gisborn running clumsily through the woods with TLRHG over his shoulder. it's pretty funny looking. robin's not far behind, but you'd think that after outrunning the rest of his gang without even getting winded, he'd be able to catch up with a man hampered with a 10 year old girl. i don't think he's even trying. guy reaches a sudden cliff with a river below it that we've never seen before. a lot's changed since they left for the holy land. apparently this was his destination all along, since he threatens to throw TLRHG over it if robin doesn't put down his sword. wtf? who thinks of a plan like that? who's in a middle of a sword fight and thinks "hey, i know what i'll do! there's a plot devicecliff near by, i'll just grab this kid and run there and hope no one else can catch up!" either that or "hey, i know what i'll do! i'll just grab this kid and run and see what happens!" which is probably more believable, but no less idiotic.
anyway, robin has slowed to a walk and guy says "one more step blah blah blah" and a bunch of other people are there too and you can hear a voice saying "mary! mary!" but no one's lips are moving. a man who looks too old to be her father says "please, not my daughter" but doesn't really look that distressed. no one does. i guess this is just your everyday shenanigans for them. i bet guy pulls shit like this all the time so they're just like "ug, not again! we never should have installed that new river!"
robin says "don't be scared" and TLRHG (i guess we should call her mary, now, but that's boring) says "i'm not. you're robin hood!" which normally would have melted his cold cold heart, but we're only 6 minutes into the episode, so hold on for more angsting to come. jesus, this is gonna be really long! maybe you should go get some snacks now.
i was really hoping guy would throw her over anyway, but that doesn't happen. thankfully, what does happen is HILARIOUS! basically, they yell shit about marian and then charge at each other. but words can't do it justice, let's just say it looked something like this:
the fight ends when guy smashes robin's head against a rock, but it's not nearly as awesome as it sounds. guy growls "prepare to die, robin hood" and i think "you kill my father..." and LOL again.
but that's nothing compared to what happens next! prepare for the most cracktastic moment in history! guy hoists robin up on his shoulders, much like TLRHG, and there's a moment where his hand hovers right above his ass that i'm sure set many fangirls' hearts a flutter. then HE LIFTS ROBIN OVER HIS HEAD AND THROWS HIM OVER THE CLIFF!!! then he lets out a mighty roar!! and i bust out in a roar of laughter! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!! for realz, i had to pause the vid i was laughing so hard!
the three remaining outlaws arrive just in time to see him go over the edge and of course much screams and runs at giz with his sword. allan is about to take off after much but little john restrains him with huggles. aww. of course much runs right into guy's fist, like the pro fighter he is, and guy's men haul him off kicking and screaming.
cut to cgi nottingham. trumpets sound as a carriage pulls up and the sheriff comes out to greet that dude from 2x11 who they really should have just killed then. he looks a little bit like an evil version of murray from Flight of the Conchords. he says that ol' PJ is P.O.-ed and wants the sheriff's balls on a platter for fucking up the whole regicide thing. so vasey has to get an obscene amount of money together in a very short time to pay the new 'don't kill me' tax. in the middle of their convo, guy comes in looking even more bedraggled, as if that were possible, and says he killed rh and shows the tags to prove it. tho i don't how that proves anything. actually, neither does jasper, who's not as completely dumb as they are and asks for a body. that is, after the sheriff goes ape shit and shouts like a lunitic that hood is no more. *eyeroll* i'm not finding the sheriff as amusing as i did the first season. the second season he had his moments but this time i'm just sort of over him. sorry, keith allen. you're daughter's still cute, if that's any consolation.
next scene, tuck is fishing robin's body out of the water. i say body, but i don't mean dead body. obviously he didn't die in the first 10 mins of the first episode. unless the rest of the series is in flashback. which, actually, i'd like! and it would nicely segue jonas armstrong's leaving next season. but alas...
tuck carry's robin on over his shoulder (wow, there's a lot of that tonight!) into his magical cave of good lighting.
we are now 11 minutes in and i don't think LJ has the bandwidth to support all 44 minutes. heh. so i'm gonna take a break here and my next entry will be a lot less detailed and more summary-ish so hopefully we can get through at least 15 minutes. cheers.
and now! submitted for the approval of the midnight society...
annotated for her pleasure...
this is insanely fucking long, so i'm going to post it in three parts. here's #1
we begin! a black dude arrives on a boat. there's a cgi ship in the distance. dramatic music swells...
he scoops a hand full of poopy looking sand and pebbles from the shore and looks contemplative. "England..." he declares to no one in particular. he looks very pleased with this assessment.
uh, did you really need a soil sample to tell you where you are? maybe you should taste it, just to be sure.
now we cut to trees whizzing by as what is left of our gang runs through the forest at top speed. robin appears to be ahead, pursued by allan and little john and much calling after him. dudes, let him go. finally he stops for no apparent reason. little john catches up first and robin asks for his penisstaff and hits him with it. what a dick!
as the others arrive he points it at them menacingly - "stop holding my acting career me back!"
"robin, you can't do this alone!" says a very shwetty allan.
"what are you gonna do, rat me out?" that doesn't even make sense. 'yes i can, stupidface!' would have been more mature sounding comeback.
"that's a bit harsh" allan take the high road.
"once a traitor, always a traitor!" can't argue with that logic! oh wait, much can.
"that's not fair!" much coming to allan's defense? that's new and interesting. they must have bonded on the journey home. awws!
"you shut up, you leech! you're pathetic!" haven't we heard this before? back in the season one finale? nice to see his character hasn't developed at all over the break! still a tantrum throwing asshole!
this whole scene is nonsensical, so i'll just let the first minute of this video sum up:
robin says that 'robin hood' is dead, which is the exact opposite of what he said when we left off.. anyway, we do not find out why robin changed his tune, how exactly the guys are holding him back, or how long they've been chasing after him. but who needs exposition when you've got lots of yelling and hitting! the last thing he says is that this is between him and gisborn and gisborn dies today.
Click to viewopening credits!! i don't think i've ever actually sat through the open credits, so why start now? skip forward to...
loxley village! deserted, as usual. robin gets his bow and arrow out and walks through the ghost town. he hears a barn door open and points the arrow at the little red haired girl standing there. she looks at him kinda 'wtf?' but doesn't make any move to go back inside, which is what i would do if some crazy asshole was pointing a weapon at me. the close up of her face indicates that she will be significant in the near future. robin looks like he really wants to shoot her but doesn't want to deal with all the screaming and blood that would surely follow, so he generously allows her to live. watch your back, little red haired girl.
when he gets close to what i assume is the manor house, all the villagers mysteriously appear and gather 'round. robin takes out a purple ring on a chain around his neck and looks like he's gonna cry, kisses it, and tucks it back against his hairy chest. then he fires an arrow up into a window! it goes "pshew" right between gisborn's eyes! that is, right into the headboard of the bed he's laying in. but still, good shot.
"GISBORN!" robin screams, but it sounds more like "GISSBURN!" heh.
"he has come..." guy whispers to himself. i laugh out loud.
guy sort of staggers out looking drunk (and dressed like the dread pirate roberts) and then charges at robin with a roar. of course this is RH, so he swings it like a foot in front of him, allowing robin to block it and a pretty hilarious fight scene ensues. friar tuck throws open the doors of whatever barn he's been hiding in and we get a nice jesus-y silhouette of him watching the fight in the nearish distance.
two of guy's inept guards join in the battle and get their asses handed to them. guy, on the ground, looks up and sees the little red haired girl from before and looks all crazy eyed. it's kind of creepy, like 'you gon git raped!'
then gisborn jumps up and grabs her round the waist and flips her over his shoulder and starts to run away! WTF?! now she really is gon git raped! robin takes off after him.
cut to the outlaw arriving in loxley and being all "where is everyone?" which is kinda weird cuz it was just as deserted when robin arrived... anyway, they finally look to the left or whatever and see the big kerfuffle and head that a way. allan looks worse for the wear and you can tell he's probably thinking "this is not what i signed up for!"
back to gisborn running clumsily through the woods with TLRHG over his shoulder. it's pretty funny looking. robin's not far behind, but you'd think that after outrunning the rest of his gang without even getting winded, he'd be able to catch up with a man hampered with a 10 year old girl. i don't think he's even trying. guy reaches a sudden cliff with a river below it that we've never seen before. a lot's changed since they left for the holy land. apparently this was his destination all along, since he threatens to throw TLRHG over it if robin doesn't put down his sword. wtf? who thinks of a plan like that? who's in a middle of a sword fight and thinks "hey, i know what i'll do! there's a plot devicecliff near by, i'll just grab this kid and run there and hope no one else can catch up!" either that or "hey, i know what i'll do! i'll just grab this kid and run and see what happens!" which is probably more believable, but no less idiotic.
anyway, robin has slowed to a walk and guy says "one more step blah blah blah" and a bunch of other people are there too and you can hear a voice saying "mary! mary!" but no one's lips are moving. a man who looks too old to be her father says "please, not my daughter" but doesn't really look that distressed. no one does. i guess this is just your everyday shenanigans for them. i bet guy pulls shit like this all the time so they're just like "ug, not again! we never should have installed that new river!"
robin says "don't be scared" and TLRHG (i guess we should call her mary, now, but that's boring) says "i'm not. you're robin hood!" which normally would have melted his cold cold heart, but we're only 6 minutes into the episode, so hold on for more angsting to come. jesus, this is gonna be really long! maybe you should go get some snacks now.
i was really hoping guy would throw her over anyway, but that doesn't happen. thankfully, what does happen is HILARIOUS! basically, they yell shit about marian and then charge at each other. but words can't do it justice, let's just say it looked something like this:
the fight ends when guy smashes robin's head against a rock, but it's not nearly as awesome as it sounds. guy growls "prepare to die, robin hood" and i think "you kill my father..." and LOL again.
but that's nothing compared to what happens next! prepare for the most cracktastic moment in history! guy hoists robin up on his shoulders, much like TLRHG, and there's a moment where his hand hovers right above his ass that i'm sure set many fangirls' hearts a flutter. then HE LIFTS ROBIN OVER HIS HEAD AND THROWS HIM OVER THE CLIFF!!! then he lets out a mighty roar!! and i bust out in a roar of laughter! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!! for realz, i had to pause the vid i was laughing so hard!
the three remaining outlaws arrive just in time to see him go over the edge and of course much screams and runs at giz with his sword. allan is about to take off after much but little john restrains him with huggles. aww. of course much runs right into guy's fist, like the pro fighter he is, and guy's men haul him off kicking and screaming.
cut to cgi nottingham. trumpets sound as a carriage pulls up and the sheriff comes out to greet that dude from 2x11 who they really should have just killed then. he looks a little bit like an evil version of murray from Flight of the Conchords. he says that ol' PJ is P.O.-ed and wants the sheriff's balls on a platter for fucking up the whole regicide thing. so vasey has to get an obscene amount of money together in a very short time to pay the new 'don't kill me' tax. in the middle of their convo, guy comes in looking even more bedraggled, as if that were possible, and says he killed rh and shows the tags to prove it. tho i don't how that proves anything. actually, neither does jasper, who's not as completely dumb as they are and asks for a body. that is, after the sheriff goes ape shit and shouts like a lunitic that hood is no more. *eyeroll* i'm not finding the sheriff as amusing as i did the first season. the second season he had his moments but this time i'm just sort of over him. sorry, keith allen. you're daughter's still cute, if that's any consolation.
next scene, tuck is fishing robin's body out of the water. i say body, but i don't mean dead body. obviously he didn't die in the first 10 mins of the first episode. unless the rest of the series is in flashback. which, actually, i'd like! and it would nicely segue jonas armstrong's leaving next season. but alas...
tuck carry's robin on over his shoulder (wow, there's a lot of that tonight!) into his magical cave of good lighting.
we are now 11 minutes in and i don't think LJ has the bandwidth to support all 44 minutes. heh. so i'm gonna take a break here and my next entry will be a lot less detailed and more summary-ish so hopefully we can get through at least 15 minutes. cheers.