PRESENT - (Before 1932) A Leader's Decision
Title: A Leader's Decision
Pairing/Characters: Matt/Emily, mentions of Matt/Becker, Abby
Genre: Hurt/comfort, romance, angst
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Takes place during episode 4 in Series 5.
Summary: Matt is torn and has to make a difficult choice.
A/N: Another oneshot that takes place after my Getting Closer series but before Past/Present/Future fics. To be read after "A Captain's Confession." Again beta'd by the most awesome fredbassett but all boo-boos and yogis are mine not hers.
Matt hated himself. When Emily took off her mask, when the black hood fell from her head, he’d forgotten all about Becker. She was here, she was alive and so breathtakingly beautiful that he struggled to resist the urge to take her in his arms and kiss her. But when the time came for him to go he couldn’t-didn’t-want to leave without her.
“I’ve really missed you.”
When he walked through the anomaly and he saw the look of absolute relief and the smile upon Becker’s face, the hate boiled inside him and his chest felt as if it was on fire.
He’d forgotten him. Matt felt as if he had been ripped apart and pulled in several different directions, everything was hurting and at that moment he’d rather take on the raptor again than continue to feel like that.
Emily came through mere seconds later and collapsed in his arms. Matt feared she would die and Becker seemed to be just as worried. Matt didn’t want her to die…not so soon after finding her again.
“Maybe she should die, Matthew,” Matt heard his father’s voice speaking in the back of his mind. “Your feelings towards her and towards the…man… are getting in the way of your duty. Forget her… forget your disturbing folly with the soldier and do what you came here to do!”
Now, three days later, as he secured himself away in the panic room, Matt focused on decrypting Connor’s hard drive, or at least he tried to. His father had been right, getting close and intimate with anyone was a distraction to his mission. The lives of everyone in this world depended on him and all Matt could think of was Emily and Becker.
The selfishness sickened him. The guilt pulled at his insides, it twisted his guts to the point he thought they would rip apart. So much was demanded of him, Matt had a huge responsibility and yet the years of being alone without connection or intimacy, were taking its toll on him.
Since the day he came to this world, he had kept his distance. His father demanded it, the future depended on it, but the years he’d spent here were difficult and the rare times when he did have those moments with women, they were only for the benefit of his frustrated body. He never got attached to the women, never stayed with them in the mornings to share hugs or even breakfast. He never allowed it.
Matt knew he shouldn’t be contemplating his problems now…nor should he be worrying about what he and Becker had become and what Emily’s return could mean for them, but he couldn’t help it.
Matt shook his head to try to forget the events of two nights ago, at the party the ARC crew had thrown for Emily. It had been fun, everyone had been happy-even Lester-but none of them had the burdens that were weighing him down. Matt swore and slammed down the lid of the laptop as he recalled the teasing argument in the men’s toilets, of the scrap that had followed and what had nearly happened as a result of it.
Matt paced the room and banged a clenched fist against his forehead when he remembered the breaking of the sink and tiles coming off the wall as he’d slammed Becker up against it. It would have gone further if an inebriated Connor hadn’t wandered in. It had been too close a call.
The self-inflicted punches against his forehead weren’t helping him forget.
“Focus you, daft git!” Matt pounded a fist on the wall and the pain caused him to grip his hand to his chest.
Abby had risked everything she had with Connor to get this hard drive, and if Matt could decrypt it then they would know what Philip was up to. It was a simple job to do, he wasn’t as good as Connor was with computers, but he knew he could crack this code if he bloody concentrated.
A tap, tap, tap sounded, breaking his troubled pacing and turmoil thoughts.
Matt went over to the door and opened it. Emily was there, smiling and looking every bit as beautiful as she had when he’d first met her and, if it was possible, she looked even more so. Another distraction wasn’t exactly what he needed right now, even one as lovely as her.
“I thought I would find you here,” she said.
Matt stepped aside and let Emily stride gracefully in. He did love the way she carried herself; her poise was flawless, almost regal and certainly powerful. She waited until he was working on the laptop again, before sitting on the edge of the bench.
He turned his head around and saw that her stiff, rigid demeanour had relaxed slightly and fascination sparked within her dark eyes as she watched the scrolling code flash across the computer screen.
“Any luck?” she asked.
Matt rubbed his hands across his face in frustration and shook his head. While Emily was fascinated with the computer technology, Matt was seriously losing his patience with it.
Matt Anderson very rarely lost his patience.
“No,” he sighed. “This thing is giving me a headache. Connor’s done a very good job.”
“But can you break the encryption?”
If it was with his future tech, Matt would have no problems, but this laptop and hard drive was ancient and Connor was too good. It would take time.
Time they might not have.
Matt kneaded his palm into one of his eyes, hoping that it might help alleviate the stinging fatigue, but his body froze and tensed hard when two hands began to massage at his shoulders. Eventually his eyes drooped shut and the pleasure that rippled through his muscles, as she eased the knots he didn’t know existed, made him sway on the bench.
He moaned.
“Is that good?”
“Oh yeah.”
Her hands were amazing. Gentle, soothing fingers easing his pain was very different from the rough invigorating ones that had caused it…but they evoked the same pleasured reaction. He moaned again before leaning forward and resting his arms on his knees.
“You work yourself too hard,” Emily took her hands down from his shoulders and ran them along his back, grazing over some of the unseen bruises Becker had given him. “You need to relax.”
“No. I can’t.”
The massage stopped and Emily’s hands rested against his back, against the still-throbbing bruise Becker’s knee had caused.
“The world won’t be saved if you’re exhausted. If you are the one to stop Philip and Prospero, you have to have some rest.”
That wasn’t going to happen, especially with her still touching him like that. Matt reached up a hand and lightly slipped hers off his shoulders before getting back to the decryption.
Emily sat down next to him, not in the slightest bit offended by his reluctance to take her advice, or for refusing her massage. Matt heard the squeak of the other bench as she shuffled closer to him and then her elbow nudged against his arm.
“I have to do this,” he reiterated sternly.
“All on your own?” Emily’s hands snaked round his arm and her head leaned on his shoulder. “Must the man from the future endure the burden?”
Without even knowing it, Matt’s head leaned against the soft chestnut curls of her hair. After several deep breaths-taking in the subtle aroma of lavender-Matt moved away from her and glared at the screen.
“I have you… and Abby.”
“That’s fine and well,” replied Emily. “I know why you haven’t told Connor, his loyalty to Philip is strong but what about Becker? Do you not think he deserves to know where you’ve come from… and what you have to do? He can help you.”
No. He couldn’t. Not now.
Matt dreaded telling Becker the truth, especially now. He’d never said anything to anyone at first because he couldn’t trust a single one of them, but now as they grew as friends and colleagues, the secret would ruin everything. Abby was still a little off with him despite the fact she was aiding him and if she was like that… Matt dreaded to think how hurt Becker would be. No, he could handle this with just Emily and Abby and he would hopefully stop Philip without the truth even coming out.
The guilt of lying to Becker wasn’t making him feel any better either.
“No,” he finally stated.
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“Emily, the less people know about me and about where I come from, the better.”
“And you think that after everything you and Becker have shared, what you’ve become, it would be better to carry on lying to him?”
Matt felt the sharp wrench in his neck when his head snapped round to face her. He could not believe that she had just said that, but it was too late to hide his reaction. He felt the blood drain from his face, his mouth opened and his eyes widened in shock. A sweat began to form on his palms and brow, his mind was screaming at him, saying that he heard wrong-he must have heard wrong!-but Emily knew exactly what she had said.
“It wasn’t what I expected either,” she said when Matt failed speak a word. “But seeing how you two have been behaving, it makes sense.”
It made sense? Matt wished that Emily would tell him how, because his relationship and feelings for the other man made anything but sense to him. It also didn’t make sense how calm Emily was about it. She wasn’t smiling, thinking it all one big joke, nor was she angry or sad... there wasn’t even the smallest sign of disappointment. Shouldn’t she be angry, upset or something?
Emily touched lightly at his face, seeming to know what was going through his mind and when her fingers stroked the rough stubble on his cheek, a soft understanding smile finally graced her lips.
“I travelled with my companions for years,” she said, running that same hand up and through his hair. “When you are few and you fight for your own survival… bonds are formed which are not considered normal in society. My friends, my people, including myself, never understood Charlotte and Ethan. We knew she was the one person who sated him and prevented him from doing those awful things. He loved her and in her own way… Charlotte did love him back. When you trust another person with your life, it’s more than friendship or family or indeed anything. I know.”
“Emily….”
“You’ve saved his life… he’s saved yours. You and Becker have worked beside each other in situations no one else in this time could ever imagine. You’ve shared something that’s unique to the pair of you… special.”
Special? Was being turned on by kicking ten buckets of crap out of each other special? Matt agreed that it was different, certainly when it compared to how he felt for her, but why would Emily even be okay about this?
“I may have been born in the 1800s.” Emily softly pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and rose to her feet. “But as you said… I don’t belong there. I don’t think I ever truly did belong… except when I came here. Matt, I missed you so much and I know that you feel the same way about me but Becker deserves to know the truth. What you feel and share with him isn’t remotely like what you feel for me, but you owe it to him, you have to tell him who you are.”
Matt really didn’t know this woman. As shocked as he had been that Emily even knew about Becker, it was nothing to the surprise of how she accepted it, or even how composed she was. Emily was no ordinary woman and the warm sensation left behind by her kiss lingered on and spread through the rest of his body. He felt that urge again to get back up and hold her.
That little smile on those luscious lips of hers showed that she wanted him to but the longer he sat and stared at her, entranced, the more he struggled. Matt heard his father’s voice again in his mind, reminding him what he had come back here for and the guilt came back.
“No.” Matt turned away from her and focused back on the computer. “What I have to do is stop Connor from helping Philip destroy every single life on this planet. Becker is better off not knowing any more about me than he has to.”
“I don’t believe that, Matt.” There it was, a pleading desperation in her voice. Emily came round in front of him, straddled the bench and pushed the laptop closed before leaning forward and looking Matt directly in the eye. “You’re carrying a huge burden around with you… everyone’s fate depends on you making that right decision.”
“I’ve made the call, Emily.”
“Fine, then there is only one thing left.” Matt didn’t know why Emily’s smile turned sad all of a sudden. “What do you want, Matt?”
“I want you.”
“You also want him.”
He might not know her as well as he thought, but Emily Merchant knew him. She could read him like a book. It was scary, but wonderful. Emily was right and despite the fact that she didn’t actually show it, Matt suspected that she was covering up that disappointment. So he rose to his feet and pulled her up next to him.
Without saying a single word, Matt slipped one hand around her waist and cupped her face with the other. It was her turn to tense in his hold, for her breath caught in her mouth and then as he looked deeply into her eyes, he felt her body begin to shake. The brush of his lips over her mouth quickly put a stop to her shivers, the squeeze he gave to her waist made Emily’s arms slide up and around his body and she sunk into his embrace as he showed her exactly who it was he wanted.
Matt poured everything of himself into the kiss and Emily reacted pleasurably to every soft touch of his lips and caress of his tongue. She moaned his name and pulled at him even more tightly before going limp in his arms.
The kiss broke only a few moments later, when a tapping sounded at the door.
Neither of them wanted to but as their lips parted, swollen and wet, they didn’t move or release their hold as they tried to get their breaths back.
“I want you.” Matt kissed her again.
“I know.” Emily sighed and when her hand pressed against his chest, she pushed Matt away. “But you still have to decide, Matt… I only hope that it will be the right one.”
When Emily moved away from him and to the door, everything became eerily cold.
Matt turned and tried to stop her letting whoever it was in, he didn’t want anyone else around until some sense was made of this screwed up situation, but it was too late.
“Well?”
Abby offered the briefest of acknowledgements to Emily and strode right up to Matt. She was extremely anxious, she was biting at her nails whilst her gun hand was itching to do something, to shoot something or someone.
Matt stepped away from her and returned to the laptop. The last decryption program he had tried had made some progress since he last looked at it, but it hadn't finished. His frustration only caused the blonde woman to scowl and frantically pace the room.
“Connor’s hard drive is encrypted. I’m nearly there.”
“Please… don’t tell me I broke into Connor’s lab for nothing.”
Matt wished he could tell her that it would all be worth it and help ease her anxiety. He wished a lot of things as he looked over his shoulder to Emily, the main one being that she wasn’t so damned right about what he really had to do.
He had to decide soon.
Her or Becker.