Shadows of a Past Life - Part 1 - BoP (M15+, angst)
TITLE: Shadows of a Past Life
Pairings: (slash) Helena/Dinah -- Barbara/Helena -- Dinah/Gabby
Disclaimer: All characters, places and episodic memories are property of WB or who ever happens to own the rights to Birds of Prey. I make no money, I make nothing.
Warnings/Rating: NC17. Although my story lacks in the naughty touching there is some swearing and other themes (including psychological mind game fun). Plus like I mentioned a bit of f/f here.
Summary: Barbara and Helena have to bind together to help their youngest member.
Author’s notes: No Beta Reader.
Having not been able to see a fair few of the episodes I am running purely from references on the web, a few bits and pieces I caught from the show, comics and other people’s fanfiction.
Any mistakes are completely my own.
Enjoy
(Part 1 of 7)
Dinah
The sun sinks slowly over New Gotham. Brilliant yellows, oranges and red spray out across a cloudless sky. The sounds of the city slowly winding down and the Darkness coming out to play wraps itself around my head. It’s quiet.
Someone screams.
Another person to rescue and I’m not even on the clock. Then again, I’m never on the clock and I always am.
I don’t have to do this, I could walk the other way and I could pretend not to hear what I hear. I could ignore the screaming and the torment that rings in my ears.
I don’t.
I never do.
I’ll always follow the ear-splitting torture that is the people who live in New Gotham.
I’ll always hear the screaming and I’ll always take the leap of faith over the edge to go and help someone I don’t know, I don’t care about. A person who will never know my name, my face and they’ll never thank me.
Just like she did.
My hero, my protector.
Even now, she protects me from above. She’s there waiting for me, and watching me, smiling down, my guardian angel.
“Rough night?” she asks from behind me just like every other night.
I turn around and grin. She’s gracefully sprawled out on the same statue she’s been possessing during all my delusions over the last four months.
“Same old,” I mutter, staring at her. Just so I know that I can remember every line and curve of her body.
“You feelin’ alright?”
I sigh, grinning at her one more time before wrenching my eyes back to the dark city in front of me and dropping down to kneel on damp grass.
“I dunno, Hel, maybe I just need to give it up.” I steal another quick glace to see her inertly staring at my back. “I choose this life because it’s what I do. I live this life because I can’t do anything else,” I say softly.
I can feel her start to disagree, her body language tightening up and her mouth slightly open.
“No, Helena, listen.” I say quickly.
She laughs at me, the throaty, deep laugh that could possibly have been a friendly growl.
“Hey,” she says as she holds up her hands, surrendering. “I definitely don’t believe that D.”
“Of course you don’t. You think I’m wonderful because you’re a figment of my imagination, and I want you to think I’m wonderful,” I spurt out quickly.
She laughs again, “Can’t beat that logic. But seriously, Dinah,” I feel her standing right behind me. “I believe that you’re a beautiful, charismatic, smart human being who just happens to kick ass along with the best of them.”
I spin around quickly and narrow my eyes at her, “hang on just a second. Is this me trying to think how you would think, me thinking what I’m thinking or me just hoping that I think I know what you think.”
Helena stares at me before shaking her head, “D, I’m in your mind and I didn’t even understand that.”
I turn away from her again, hoping that she finally goes away. But I don’t want her to go away. I want her to stay forever.
I grin to myself, not even bothering to sort out that flawed logic; instead I curl up into a tighter ball.
“I complain about it so much, but I don’t really mean it. You know?”
She doesn’t answer me.
I spin around, almost panicking, hoping I would still see her, sprawled out on the statue. She smiles at me. Yep, still there.
“I know,” Helena agrees her voice low and dangerous, “you get off on it.”
I laugh at her, “Exactly.”
“Gerdy not keeping you happy, D? Cos I could beat her up if you want?”
“Gabby’s…” I looked at her, “she’s great Hel and she really helps me.”
“You know I’m jealous right?”
“Of course you are Hel, you aren’t real and I want you to be jealous, so you are.”
We sit in silence, listening for the next scream when I’d have to sign back on and leave her alone again, squirrel her away in the back of my head and hope like hell that the next night she’d be back again, all sexy and exotic, hanging off her statue.
::Canary, this is Oracle, do you copy?::
“Guess that’s it then Big D,” she says as she jumps up from her position and steps toward me.
“Same time tomorrow?” I ask.
She looks at me and I know what’s coming.
“I’m sorry D, but I gotta go. There’s so much to do and so little time.”
A flash of blood fills my eyes.
“Do you have to Hel? Can’t we just have this?”
Someone screams.
“…Manifestation of stress,” I hear an unfamiliar voice saying softly into my ear.
“What is that?” I ask as I look towards Helena. She’s smiling but what I see makes my blood run cold.
The red spot on her beautiful white t-shirt grows bigger and bigger.
I rush forwards and grab her shoulders; she’s solid and real under my hands.
“…HOLD HER DOWN!” someone else screams at me.
There’s beeping, and screaming and it takes me a full fifteen seconds to realise that Helena’s gone, the cemetery’s gone, the plain marble headstone with ‘HELENA KYLE’…it’s all gone.
I’m screaming.
Someone’s screaming.
It’s me.
I’m screaming.
And Barbara’s by my side, she’s crying and I want to comfort her but I can’t get my wrists off the soft bed underneath me.
“Dinah!” the mystery voice from before says softly, “You need to calm down…I’m going to give you something to calm down.”
I feel a thick, sharp pain at the crook of my left arm and I gasp.
As my eyes start to close I look over to my right. She’s there.
Beautiful blue eyes staring at me with such sadness, worry and guilt.
Just before I feel the warmth of sleep start to seep up to my head I smile at her and whisper, “my angel.”
Barbara
God, the screaming, she never stops screaming. It’s so high pitched and unnatural. I don’t know how Helena can stand to be sitting beside the young girl, holding her hand.
I can’t help it. I have to leave the room, watching her tiny little body thrusting against off-white sheets with such powerful convulsions…it’s just too much.
She’s hardly blonde anymore her hair is almost an unnatural shade of grey and her face…so white.
Helena’s still in there. I watch her through the glass--she’s so strong--holding down Dinah’s arms and not crying, hardly even blinking. She’s watching them as they pump our little superhero full of drugs and tie her down to that little bed that wouldn’t have been big enough if it weren’t for the fact that she had lost so much weight.
They told us she wasn’t eating when she was acting rationally. When she knew what her name is and even laughed at the doctor when he asked who the president was. That happened twice last week and we missed both times.
Instead, when we visited, we watched through the glass window as she talked to her mother in the corner. Having conversations about living with the Redmonds’ and all times she went down the creek and caught tadpoles. She seems to talk a lot about tadpoles.
Of course her mother isn’t there, Carolyn is dead, but Dinah doesn’t know that. Dinah sees her mother and we watch as she talks to herself.
Helena only goes home when I tell her to--or beg her too.
She’s going to stop listening to me soon and I’ll lose both of them. I’ve already failed Dinah. I won’t let myself fail Helena as well.
“Ms. Gordon?”
I spin around, my hands hurt from the chair they provided me with on the way in. The wheels are to rough.
I try and smile up at the dark haired doctor looking down at me, but it accidentally comes out as more of a grimace. Well, it’s not like he’s ever smiled at me.
I guess spending time in places like these would take away all the reasons to smile.
“I’d like to talk to you about Dinah’s condition,” he says, his voice dull and completely lacking emotion.
“We’ve been giving her extra sedatives but it doesn’t seem to be working as well as we would have hoped, with you permission I’d like to start shock…”
“No.”
I won’t allow it. I won’t let Dinah be electrocuted by a mad man.
“Ms. Gordon, you must understand that Dinah has schizophrenia and she isn’t responding to any of the treatments we’ve tried. If we don’t do something she could be like this for a very long time, possibly forever. She’d need constant sedation and care,” he continues, and I notice just the slightest bit of defensiveness creeping into his tone. Good, he does have emotions.
“Dinah doesn’t have schizophrenia,” I insist.
The doctor sighs and takes Dinah’s chart from the door of her room, “Ms. Gordon, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this. You declining Dinah’s treatment isn’t going to help her.”
“Dinah isn’t mentally ill,” I insist again, gritting my teeth as I watch Helena brush a stray hair from Dinah’s face.
“I’m sorry Ms. Gordon, I understand you’re upset but I really must get on with my rounds. Please, think about what I’ve said.”
Then he left, leaving me in the bare hallway to stare in at my two protégés.
I sigh, this is all my fault.
If only I had….If only I had…what? If only I had turned away a helpless homeless little girl with dreams to be a superhero? If only I had never become Batgirl, met Selena Kyle, fell head over heels in…something…with her daughter.…if only, if only, if only.
I sigh again - at least she’s stopped screaming.
A sudden flurry of movement inside Dinah’s room makes me stop and look harder. Helena’s smiling at me through the glass. She shouldn’t be able to see me, it’s a one way mirror, but then again Helena has always been special.
I rush towards the heavy door of Dinah’s room, shoving it open and wheel myself inside. “Is she awake?” I ask excitedly.
Helena
“NO! Don’t kill the tadpoles, I’ll take them back,” she screams at me again. Her eyes are wide and frightened. She can’t see me. Who ever she thinks is yelling at her, it isn’t me.
“Dinah! Calm down! I won’t take the tadpoles anywhere. I won’t let anyone hurt the tadpoles, ok?” I whisper softly, grabbing her arms as an orderly injects her again with more sedatives.
I don’t know if it’s the sedative or my words but suddenly Dinah’s calming down again, smiling softly and nuzzling her head into the mattress behind her head.
It will last no more than ten seconds--I know it.
I turn my eyes towards Barbara and share just a tiny little smile with her, she needs it more than I do. Then, sure enough, barely ten seconds later Dinah starts screaming.
“I’m sorry,” Barbara mumbles at me before she’s wheeling towards the door quickly with her chin buried in her chest.
“Dinah, please, stop,” I moan as she tries to claw at my hands. She hasn’t had a manicure in a long time and her nails are sharp, digging into my skin, leaving long red marks.
“Let go of me! Let go of me you bitch,” she screams, her nails are digging in even harder.
I pull my hands away and step backwards. Instantly her screams turn to whimpers and tears fall from her closed eyes.
Letting out a long breath I exhaustedly drop into the metal chair at the side of her bed. I want to move it closer but the chairs bolted to the floor. I hate this place.
I turn my head just to make sure that Barbara is still in the hallway and hasn’t given up and gone home without me. She’s there talking to Dr. I’m-so-happy. Oh great, another ‘YAY-electro-shock-treatment’ speech. She’ll tell him to get lost, I can feel it. Seconds later the great Doc walks away grumpily, yep I knew it. Go Barbara, it’s ya birthday.
A soft whimper draws my attention back to the girl laying on the bed in front of me. She’s whimpering in pain and smiling at the same time. Her eyes are open--she has such beautiful eyes--and she’s staring at the ceiling.
“Dinah, honey,” I say softly into her ear, “it’s me, Helena, can you hear me.”
“Angel,” she mutters stupidly, her eyes glazing over slightly.
“Dinah, listen it’s Helena, tell me you can hear me Big D?”
“Helena?” she asks, shaking her blonde head slightly, “you’re in my head. Are we in my head?”
“No D, we’re in New Gotham, in the real world, not your head,” I said softly and I can’t help the giant smile that’s spreading across my face. She understands me.
“Where’s Barbara?”
“She’s just outside,” I say quickly and turn my back to glare through the glass, hoping Barbara gets the idea.
Seconds later the door slams open against the white washed wall and Barbara wheels through, “is she awake?”
“Barbara?” Dinah mutters.
“Hey sweetheart, I’m right here,” Barbara says so softly and with so much love in her voice that I almost start to cry. I remember that voice, months after my mother died that voice was in my ear telling me everything would be alright.
“I don’t understand,” Dinah whispered, “Helena. You’re dead? Am I dead? Is Barbara dead? I don’t want to be dead Hel and I don’t want you to be dead either? Oh no, is Alfred dead?”
I see the panic filling her big blue eyes. I run my hands over her face to try and calm her down. “It’s ok D, Alfred’s English, he’ll never die.”
Suddenly Dinah smiles brightly, “yeah! Have you see the Queen of England lately? She’s hardly even started to get wrinkles.” Her eyes glazed again and she seems to be thinking, finally she whispers softly, “The tadpoles do that you know, the make everyone live.”
I risk a quick glance at Barbara, who stares straight down at her hands, nope not going to get any help there. “Dinah, sweetie,” I say softly, taking her hand in mine, “think about it for a second. How could tadpoles help someone live?”
“Well gee Helena, I don’t know,” she snaps angrily, ripping my hand from hers.
I stare at her possibly in shock maybe just a little bit surprised but I’m not sure why. During her rants over the last four months I’ve seen her swear, scream, yell, spit, bite and vomit a hundred times. By now none of this should surprise me--but sadly-- it still does.
“Barbara, you cut your hair,” a soft angelic voice says from inside the young blonde, who just seconds ago was ready to take my head off.
Barbara’s head snaps up quickly and she grimaces, was that supposed to be a smile?
“Just a trim,” my friend says with another one of those grimace/smiles.
Dinah smiles happily and reaches out to run her fingers through the dark fiery locks but stops when Barbara flinches.
The hand returns to the top of her stomach and twitches a few times. “Did I hit you?” she asks.
Barbara grimaces again and I can’t help but mirror the look on her face. “Of course not Dinah,” Barbara assures the young girl.
“Just before…why were you trying to hold my…where am I? Why am I here?”
“Dinah,” I say softly as the young girl suddenly becomes aware of her surroundings. The giant white walls, barred windows, giant viewing widows, the monitors hooked up to her heart, breathing, pulse. The crisp white sheets underneath her, the fact that there was no natural light anywhere in the room. I could almost see it through her eyes and I saw how terrifying it really is.
She tries to sit up but I won’t let her. I grab her shoulders forcing her back onto the bed a little more roughly than I really meant to. “Please, Dinah listen.”
She stares up at me and her eyes brim with tears, “you’re hurting me.”
“I’m sorry Dinah but you have to stay on the bed or they’re going to inject you with something else or put the straps on and I don’t think you want that right now, so just stay still ok?” I say softly, resting my cheek on her shoulder.
“Ok, Helena I won’t be bad,” she whimpers softly and immediately I let go of her.
“You aren’t bad. You’re just not well at the moment but you’ll get better, I promise.”
Dinah smiles again, that’s two giant happy smiles from Dinah in the space of twenty minutes. She’s been coherent, this must mean something. She has to be getting better there can’t be a worse.
“Look, Helena,” Dinah says pointedly gripping my clammy hand, “I know you and my mother didn’t really get along last time but I think that now - under the circumstances - you could at least say hello. She’s been standing in that corner all morning waiting to see you!”
I look up to where Dinah’s pointing and smiling, then she looks at me expectantly, “Well?”
“I’m sorry Dinah, I…I don’t see her.”
Suddenly she’s grumpy again, shaking her head restlessly and frowning. “Really Helena! I know you’re supposed to be all bad ass chick and all that but couldn’t you just at least be nice to my mother! For me?”
“What?...” spurts from Dinah’s plump red lips before I can defend myself, “oh, what? Mom I can’t hear you, you’ll have to come closer…OH! Of course, why didn’t I think of that!”
Dinah turns from her imaginary mother in the corner to me and smiles again, “she wants to know, and I do to, what happened to Harley Quinn?”
TBC